Check out this stupid fucking typographical mistake made by some no-account blogger...
So apparently, only this dude - this entity - known as "no" has the stones to say people are soon going to stop caring about who is better, Kobe or LeBron. Who is mysterious man? A roguishly contrarian ESPN commenter? The anthropomorphized humanoid form of the word "no"? A hasty, e.e. cummings style rendering of the initials of former Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Neil O'Donnell? Who knows?
"Who is mysterious man?" What the fuck did you do, random basement-dwelling putz Archie Mickewhite (possibly Thomas Pynchon)? Did you write the original sentence in English, then run it through the Babel Fish translator a few times just for kicks? C'mon, man, if all you're going to do is mock people for lousy editing, the least you can do is edit yourself.
Which is why you'd think I'd check this post over for grammatical errors. Yep, you'd think that, wouldn't you? And yet...
[Note: I've fixed the error in the other post just so that it reads better. My idiocy still stands, however.]
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Marc Stein's Weekend Dime is a minor typographical error gold mine, I tells ya!
So they've fixed that duplicate paragraph I drew your attention to in the last post (although I have to say, it somehow doesn't read nearly as well anymore). But...BUT!!!...the game is still very much afoot. Take a look at item five on the Kobe vs. Lebron duel for being the best player ever. Or whatever we're calling it; I don't particularly care.
Did you notice the mistake? Let me subtly alter the image so that you can more easily see it...
So apparently, only this dude - this entity - known as "no" has the stones to say people are soon going to stop caring about who is better, Kobe or LeBron. Who is this mysterious man? A roguishly contrarian ESPN commenter? The anthropomorphized humanoid form of the word "no"? A hasty, e.e. cummings style rendering of the initials of former Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Neil O'Donnell? Who knows? All I know is, this "no" dude is a badass motherfucker who don't truck with none of your rules, and no one can deny that. See, anonymous copy editor at ESPN.com!? Is it that hard to remember to put the word "ONE" in there? No, no it isn't!
(At this point, I was going to show a clip of the "No No No Guy" from The Ben Stiller Show that was made back in the early 1990s and was pretty much the direct forerunner of Mr. Show. It's also my main reminder that Ben Stiller, Andy Dick, and Janeane Garofalo were once unquestionably hilarious. Unfortunately, YouTube doesn't have any clips of that particular character, which means I am unable to show you another highly forced possibility for what the word "no" could refer to when written like it's a person. So no "No No No Guy", apparently. This may not be much of a loss - The Daily Show tried to reference him a few months back, and no one got the joke then, either. So instead I'm going to randomly show you an entirely unrelated to anything clip from The Ben Stiller Show. You know, because it's funny, and you probably haven't seen it. And if you have, well, you can be smugly satisfied that you got the reference. See? Everyone wins!)
For those of you who on principle refuse to read parentheses, let me summarize: for no reason, here's a funny clip from the old Ben Stiller Show, specifically a trailer for A Few Good Scouts, which is funny, hopelessly out-of-date, and combines my hatred of the Boy Scouts with my...well, I don't even know how I feel about Tom Cruise.
Did you notice the mistake? Let me subtly alter the image so that you can more easily see it...
So apparently, only this dude - this entity - known as "no" has the stones to say people are soon going to stop caring about who is better, Kobe or LeBron. Who is this mysterious man? A roguishly contrarian ESPN commenter? The anthropomorphized humanoid form of the word "no"? A hasty, e.e. cummings style rendering of the initials of former Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Neil O'Donnell? Who knows? All I know is, this "no" dude is a badass motherfucker who don't truck with none of your rules, and no one can deny that. See, anonymous copy editor at ESPN.com!? Is it that hard to remember to put the word "ONE" in there? No, no it isn't!
(At this point, I was going to show a clip of the "No No No Guy" from The Ben Stiller Show that was made back in the early 1990s and was pretty much the direct forerunner of Mr. Show. It's also my main reminder that Ben Stiller, Andy Dick, and Janeane Garofalo were once unquestionably hilarious. Unfortunately, YouTube doesn't have any clips of that particular character, which means I am unable to show you another highly forced possibility for what the word "no" could refer to when written like it's a person. So no "No No No Guy", apparently. This may not be much of a loss - The Daily Show tried to reference him a few months back, and no one got the joke then, either. So instead I'm going to randomly show you an entirely unrelated to anything clip from The Ben Stiller Show. You know, because it's funny, and you probably haven't seen it. And if you have, well, you can be smugly satisfied that you got the reference. See? Everyone wins!)
For those of you who on principle refuse to read parentheses, let me summarize: for no reason, here's a funny clip from the old Ben Stiller Show, specifically a trailer for A Few Good Scouts, which is funny, hopelessly out-of-date, and combines my hatred of the Boy Scouts with my...well, I don't even know how I feel about Tom Cruise.
I know, I know, I suck at updating...
I could tell you a pack of lies about midterms and essays due and traveling and other such crap to excuse my lack of posts recently. But honestly, you want to know the real reason? I've just been watching this on an endless loop...
If you need to watch that more than once, I understand. Believe me, that's pretty much all I do with my days. I mean, did you see the part with the whip and the trucks? That's way more badass than any previous whip action I've seen. Oh, and I've come to the conclusion that the theme music is quietly the best asskicking music around. I just hope all those Commies are former Nazis. Because nothing quite says "Indiana Jones" quite like fucking Nazi shit up. Also, I still can't believe Last Crusade gets away with making Hitler a minor comic character. You think that doesn't take stones? Watch and learn, folks, watch and learn:
God, when the hell is the new one coming out?
Ah...much better. So yeah, that's been taking up almost all of my time. But as it turns out, there is one thing that can coax me out of blogbernation (it's like hibernation, but with blogging...I dunno, would hiblognation have worked better? I say no, because that just looks like "high blog nation", which beyond being kinda redundant - I mean, which bloggers aren't constantly high? - also seems sorta pretentious and weird).
OK, clearly my love for endless tangents and meta-humor has not waned. That's good...I guess. Anyway, the point is that Marc Stein wrote something so obviously and flagrantly wrong, something so essentially incorrect and (most importantly) really quick to deal with, that I had to say something.
Basically, the man is talking about how this NBA season has been defined by blockbuster trades. True enough, no problems here. Let's hear what he has to say:
Hold up. Blockbusters never come in threes. We're actually lucky to get one a season.
So that's why when Pau Gasol, Shaquille O'Neal and Jason Kidd were all traded within a span of 19 days in February -- and especially when the run-and-gunners from Phoenix decided to break up their one-of-a-kind team to gamble on Shaq's keeping up with them -- this became the season synonymous with blockbuster deals.
Can't really argue that one. I'm sure if you go back far enough you'll find a season with trades of at least vaguely similar proportions, but I can't think of one, especially for the NBA. But still, that's kind of a quick item that hasn't yet said or even suggested anything new. Maybe you should expand it just a little, right Marc?
It's even truer when you go back to the draft and throw in Boston's landscaping-changing additions of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen before the season. Still not convinced? You will be when you factor in what the KG and Pau deals have done in terms of reviving the possibility of a Celtics-Lakers reunion in the NBA Finals after two decades without one. Or when you remember how rare it is to see established title contenders like Phoenix and Dallas make such a drastic in-season change and do so for morale reasons as much as anything.
Yes, good stuff, I am totally buying into this. Nothing essential or groundbreaking here, but it's definitely not wrong and is actually completely accurate, if a little boring. You can probably move on to some equally banal points about how crazy the West is now, I don't see what you have left to add other than some bullshit quote from a player. You know, something like Amare Stoudemire saying, "Yeah, these trades have really changed everything" or something equally revelatory and amazing. Wait, you've got more? Well, OK...
It's even truer when you go back to the draft and throw in Boston's landscaping-changing additions of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen before the season. Still not convinced? You will be when you factor in what the KG and Pau deals have done in terms of reviving the possibility of a Celtics-Lakers reunion in the NBA Finals after two decades without one. Or when you remember how rare it is to see established title contenders like Phoenix and Dallas make such a drastic in-season change and do so for morale reasons as much as anything.
Marc Stein, what the fuck!? You just repeated verbatim what you already wrote. Were you that desperate to reach the minimum word length? Who are you, Charles "I Got Paid By The Word Hence Explaining If Not Necessarily Excusing The Unnecessary Exposition in Great Expectations" Dickens?
I know people over at the Dot Com work fast to get material up, and, honestly, who would want to wait even a zeptosecond for choice pearls of wisdom like "This is the Wildest West Of All-Time!", "Boston Is Back!", and "Houston Can't Lose!" (a surprisingly ballsy thing to write, actually, considering how everyone and his mother - assuming everyone's mother is Woody the Prognosticating Female Groundhog - is picking the Lakers to end the Rockets' streak)? So yeah, I understand the rush to update. But deleting accidentally duplicated paragraphs is just basic editing. Hell, that's so basic they don't even teach that in basic editing. It's just sort of assumed.
Seriously, I'm guessing someone will notice this and correct it, so here's a screenshot....
And yeah, I know Marc Stein almost certainly didn't make that error; it was some anonymous editor or web formatter or something. But hey! Guess what? All of my posts are ghostwritten by some random dude I've never met named Python or something. I dunno, he slurs a little over the phone, and he keeps talking about rainbows having gravity or some bullshit. I mean, how does that work? They're just tricks of the light! And if I even sniff the presence of leprechauns I may have to fire his loopy ass.
Point is, if you guys hold me accountable for this Timmy Python character making dumbass mistakes like thinking Dennis Rodman and Ron Artest had similar skill sets, then I'm holding Marc Stein accountable for the actions of his editor. Fair enough?
Fuck it, how long until Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? I need to check again.
Not soon enough, my friends, not soon enough. I'll try to post 52 52 52 tonight, but that trailer is calling me away. I really think Cate Blanchett with weird haircut might actually kill Indy this time! Fucking commies...
If you need to watch that more than once, I understand. Believe me, that's pretty much all I do with my days. I mean, did you see the part with the whip and the trucks? That's way more badass than any previous whip action I've seen. Oh, and I've come to the conclusion that the theme music is quietly the best asskicking music around. I just hope all those Commies are former Nazis. Because nothing quite says "Indiana Jones" quite like fucking Nazi shit up. Also, I still can't believe Last Crusade gets away with making Hitler a minor comic character. You think that doesn't take stones? Watch and learn, folks, watch and learn:
God, when the hell is the new one coming out?
Ah...much better. So yeah, that's been taking up almost all of my time. But as it turns out, there is one thing that can coax me out of blogbernation (it's like hibernation, but with blogging...I dunno, would hiblognation have worked better? I say no, because that just looks like "high blog nation", which beyond being kinda redundant - I mean, which bloggers aren't constantly high? - also seems sorta pretentious and weird).
OK, clearly my love for endless tangents and meta-humor has not waned. That's good...I guess. Anyway, the point is that Marc Stein wrote something so obviously and flagrantly wrong, something so essentially incorrect and (most importantly) really quick to deal with, that I had to say something.
Basically, the man is talking about how this NBA season has been defined by blockbuster trades. True enough, no problems here. Let's hear what he has to say:
Hold up. Blockbusters never come in threes. We're actually lucky to get one a season.
So that's why when Pau Gasol, Shaquille O'Neal and Jason Kidd were all traded within a span of 19 days in February -- and especially when the run-and-gunners from Phoenix decided to break up their one-of-a-kind team to gamble on Shaq's keeping up with them -- this became the season synonymous with blockbuster deals.
Can't really argue that one. I'm sure if you go back far enough you'll find a season with trades of at least vaguely similar proportions, but I can't think of one, especially for the NBA. But still, that's kind of a quick item that hasn't yet said or even suggested anything new. Maybe you should expand it just a little, right Marc?
It's even truer when you go back to the draft and throw in Boston's landscaping-changing additions of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen before the season. Still not convinced? You will be when you factor in what the KG and Pau deals have done in terms of reviving the possibility of a Celtics-Lakers reunion in the NBA Finals after two decades without one. Or when you remember how rare it is to see established title contenders like Phoenix and Dallas make such a drastic in-season change and do so for morale reasons as much as anything.
Yes, good stuff, I am totally buying into this. Nothing essential or groundbreaking here, but it's definitely not wrong and is actually completely accurate, if a little boring. You can probably move on to some equally banal points about how crazy the West is now, I don't see what you have left to add other than some bullshit quote from a player. You know, something like Amare Stoudemire saying, "Yeah, these trades have really changed everything" or something equally revelatory and amazing. Wait, you've got more? Well, OK...
It's even truer when you go back to the draft and throw in Boston's landscaping-changing additions of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen before the season. Still not convinced? You will be when you factor in what the KG and Pau deals have done in terms of reviving the possibility of a Celtics-Lakers reunion in the NBA Finals after two decades without one. Or when you remember how rare it is to see established title contenders like Phoenix and Dallas make such a drastic in-season change and do so for morale reasons as much as anything.
Marc Stein, what the fuck!? You just repeated verbatim what you already wrote. Were you that desperate to reach the minimum word length? Who are you, Charles "I Got Paid By The Word Hence Explaining If Not Necessarily Excusing The Unnecessary Exposition in Great Expectations" Dickens?
I know people over at the Dot Com work fast to get material up, and, honestly, who would want to wait even a zeptosecond for choice pearls of wisdom like "This is the Wildest West Of All-Time!", "Boston Is Back!", and "Houston Can't Lose!" (a surprisingly ballsy thing to write, actually, considering how everyone and his mother - assuming everyone's mother is Woody the Prognosticating Female Groundhog - is picking the Lakers to end the Rockets' streak)? So yeah, I understand the rush to update. But deleting accidentally duplicated paragraphs is just basic editing. Hell, that's so basic they don't even teach that in basic editing. It's just sort of assumed.
Seriously, I'm guessing someone will notice this and correct it, so here's a screenshot....
And yeah, I know Marc Stein almost certainly didn't make that error; it was some anonymous editor or web formatter or something. But hey! Guess what? All of my posts are ghostwritten by some random dude I've never met named Python or something. I dunno, he slurs a little over the phone, and he keeps talking about rainbows having gravity or some bullshit. I mean, how does that work? They're just tricks of the light! And if I even sniff the presence of leprechauns I may have to fire his loopy ass.
Point is, if you guys hold me accountable for this Timmy Python character making dumbass mistakes like thinking Dennis Rodman and Ron Artest had similar skill sets, then I'm holding Marc Stein accountable for the actions of his editor. Fair enough?
Fuck it, how long until Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? I need to check again.
Not soon enough, my friends, not soon enough. I'll try to post 52 52 52 tonight, but that trailer is calling me away. I really think Cate Blanchett with weird haircut might actually kill Indy this time! Fucking commies...
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Bloggers meet to resolve the Cuban situation, I take notes...
By now, I'm sure you've heard the news: Mark Cuban is banning bloggers from the Dallas locker room. Larry B over at Fire Jay Mariotti has issued a call to arms that we bloggers cut all ties with the Mavericks and no longer say anything about them...EVER. As much as I applaud the idealism of this, I'm happy to report that some of the biggest names of the sports blogosphere have been working on a plan for just this sort of situation. For whatever reason, a nobody schmuck like me was invited to sit in; I believe it's because I volunteered to do the minutes, and from what I've heard Flubby was getting really tired of taking care of that shit. Also I have my own typewriter:
Thank you, Army Surplus.
Anyway, I now present the minutes of the meeting, dutifully recorded this tenth day of March, 2008.
[The scene: Will Leitch's Brooklyn flat, painstakingly decorated to resemble his Mattoon homestead, non-subterranean portions excluded. You know, dude lives in his basement. Like you didn't know that.]
Will Leitch: Well, we suppose you've all heard the news. That crumbum Mark Cuban won't let any of us - including us! - anywhere near the Dallas locker room. Not that we care, of course, but some of us might.
Jamie Mottram: It's a scandal!
Chris Mottram: It's an outrage!!
Cooper Mottram: It's a problem we must solve!!!
Big Daddy Drew: Nice, sweet Oklahoma! reference.
[Everyone stares accusingly.]
BDD: I mean...how about Oklasoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company.
[Everyone nods approvingly. Drew silently laments the death of his musical theater background, which he took up only to have a chance to wear tights like so many of his heroes, like Batman...and Magellan.]
Dan Shanoff: Two words - TOTAL. DOUCHE.
[The Mighty MJD stops swapping spit with Muff Stubble Girl.]
The Mighty MJD: I thought you dropped that schtick when you left ESPN?
Shanoff: I know...
[MJD has already resumed swapping spit with MSG. Thirty Yahoo! commenters immediately point out he should be ashamed for making light of the national tragedy that is muff stubble syndrome. Here's to a cure by 2028!]
Shanoff: ...but that guy's totally giving me the flashbacks.
Hashmarks' Matt Mosley, an ESPN.com Blog Production: Look fellers, I was an award-winning writer with The Dallas Morning News for seven years, so I think I have some perspective on this issue that I'd like to share. You see, much as ESPN recognizes the legitimacy that bloggers - a diverse group of award-winning newspaper writers and award-nominated magazine columnists - can lend to a site in today's world of Web 2.0, I think we'd be remiss if we didn't try to see the owner's perspective. After all, what you as fans might not realize is that an owner has a real stake in his franchise...
[Calling upon his extensive training with the United States Marine Corps, Matt Ufford beats Mosley to death with a chair. Semper fidelis, indeed. None of that paratis Coast Guard bullshit.]
J.E. Skeets: Why the hell did we invite him anyway?
Matt Sussman: Shh!! Calling attention to a comedic premise is a lazy meta-joke and should be avoided.
Skeets: Well, there goes my sense of comedic right and wrong.
Sussman: Anyway, we didn't mean too. We were just trying to invite Henry...
TrueHoop's Henry Abbott, an ESPN.com Blog Production: Boston is best, but the Rockets are red hot. Which makes choosing the top spot in Marc Stein's rankings a tough call.
Sussman: ...and Mosley just sort of tagged along.
TrueHoop's Henry Abbott, an ESPN.com Blog Production: How did Houston get to 19 straight wins? Consider Chuck Hayes' zero shots, 10 rebounds and six fouls in the win over the Nets, says Tim Legler.
Unsilent Majority: Well, as long as he was able to make it, that totally justifies murder.
Christmas Ape: You can barely tell the difference.
[Awful Announcing bangs his shoe against the desk, in reference to NOT Principal Skinner but in fact Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev. Because if there's one blogger who knows his communism, it's AA.]
AA: Gentlemen, to business! Will, I believe you had a plan to address the Cuban situation?
UM: My money's on an exploding cigar.
Monday Morning Punter: Nah, I like the diving suit powdered with deadly fungus.
Flubby: Well, you would.
Leitch: Quiet, you KSK fiends! Always talking at once and never hitting the right beats. Where's the comedy pyramid, I ask?
MMP: Wait, what?
Leitch: Sorry, looks like the Iracane part of our personality took over for a second.
MJD: Oh, so it's only funny when he makes fun of it!
Skeets: Well, it would explain the royal "we" about as well as anything else.
BDD: Wouldn't "pointless affectation" be a hell of a lot simpler?
Skeets: Look, when William of Occam starts weekend editing, then I'll discuss matters of reductionist nominalism.
Leitch: Hey guys, about the last thirty seconds of the conversation, here's what you missed while debating fourteenth century philosophy...
BDD: Rick now?
Sussman: That would be Rick.
Leitch: We have a plan. As you know, some months ago I mentioned I had discovered a contingency plan, something we could unleash if ever the big boys tried moving against us.
MMP: And? What of this grand design, Mr. Speaker!
AA: We're wasting time!
Henry Abbott: The top 50 rookies are ranked. See the impressive Hawk who has soared to the highest spot. David Thorpe reports.
Leitch: Here it is! We dispatched the Balls to his native Philly to bring back the ultimate weapon.
Unsilent: AND!?
[The Balls enters. He is now deaf.]
The Balls: I did it...Will. I brought the bird home. Just wish I could've made it to the after-party. Remember me to...Pornifrey...
[The Balls collapses, but not before posting a link to RedTube and getting five people fired as a result. Because the power of Daulerio totally compels you to click those links. Oh, totally. Although those bukkake shots in his last Cultural Oddsmaker were a bit much.]
Leitch: He...he comes...
[In bursts the door...]
Stephen A. Smith of Stephen A. Smith's My Blog: I Would Like To Be Known As A person Who Is Concerned About Freedom And Equality And Justice And Prosperity For All People!!!
Skeets: My God...
Xmas Ape: My Grodd...
Ufford: He's...he's perfect.
Stephen A.: I Did Not Get on The Bus To Get Arrested I Got On The Bus To Go Home!!!
MMP: I mean...he is a blogger these days.
Sussman: And could even Mark Cuban stop, stop...
Stephen A.: People Always Say That I Didn't Give Up My Seat Because I Was Tired, But That Isn't True!!! I Was Not Tired Physically, Or No More Tired than I Usually Was At The End Of A Working Day!!! I Was Not Old, Although Some People Have An Image Of Me As Being Old Then. I Was Forty-Two!!! No, The Only Tired I Was, Was Tired Of Giving In!!!
Leitch: Gentlemen...we have ourselves a plan.
Ufford: No...we have ourselves a solution.
BDD: Man, they really do teach you one-liners in the corps, don't they?
Ufford: All part of basic, fist-face.
Leitch: Stephen? Looks like we're sending you to American Airlines Center with one gosh heck of a doctored press pass.
Stephen A.: You May Go On And do So!!!!!
[They all evilly laugh. Somewhere, Mike Lupica has twelve heart attacks. At least...I hope he does. Massive orchestral string, and...OUT!!!!]
Thank you, Army Surplus.
Anyway, I now present the minutes of the meeting, dutifully recorded this tenth day of March, 2008.
[The scene: Will Leitch's Brooklyn flat, painstakingly decorated to resemble his Mattoon homestead, non-subterranean portions excluded. You know, dude lives in his basement. Like you didn't know that.]
Will Leitch: Well, we suppose you've all heard the news. That crumbum Mark Cuban won't let any of us - including us! - anywhere near the Dallas locker room. Not that we care, of course, but some of us might.
Jamie Mottram: It's a scandal!
Chris Mottram: It's an outrage!!
Cooper Mottram: It's a problem we must solve!!!
Big Daddy Drew: Nice, sweet Oklahoma! reference.
[Everyone stares accusingly.]
BDD: I mean...how about Oklasoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company.
[Everyone nods approvingly. Drew silently laments the death of his musical theater background, which he took up only to have a chance to wear tights like so many of his heroes, like Batman...and Magellan.]
Dan Shanoff: Two words - TOTAL. DOUCHE.
[The Mighty MJD stops swapping spit with Muff Stubble Girl.]
The Mighty MJD: I thought you dropped that schtick when you left ESPN?
Shanoff: I know...
[MJD has already resumed swapping spit with MSG. Thirty Yahoo! commenters immediately point out he should be ashamed for making light of the national tragedy that is muff stubble syndrome. Here's to a cure by 2028!]
Shanoff: ...but that guy's totally giving me the flashbacks.
Hashmarks' Matt Mosley, an ESPN.com Blog Production: Look fellers, I was an award-winning writer with The Dallas Morning News for seven years, so I think I have some perspective on this issue that I'd like to share. You see, much as ESPN recognizes the legitimacy that bloggers - a diverse group of award-winning newspaper writers and award-nominated magazine columnists - can lend to a site in today's world of Web 2.0, I think we'd be remiss if we didn't try to see the owner's perspective. After all, what you as fans might not realize is that an owner has a real stake in his franchise...
[Calling upon his extensive training with the United States Marine Corps, Matt Ufford beats Mosley to death with a chair. Semper fidelis, indeed. None of that paratis Coast Guard bullshit.]
J.E. Skeets: Why the hell did we invite him anyway?
Matt Sussman: Shh!! Calling attention to a comedic premise is a lazy meta-joke and should be avoided.
Skeets: Well, there goes my sense of comedic right and wrong.
Sussman: Anyway, we didn't mean too. We were just trying to invite Henry...
TrueHoop's Henry Abbott, an ESPN.com Blog Production: Boston is best, but the Rockets are red hot. Which makes choosing the top spot in Marc Stein's rankings a tough call.
Sussman: ...and Mosley just sort of tagged along.
TrueHoop's Henry Abbott, an ESPN.com Blog Production: How did Houston get to 19 straight wins? Consider Chuck Hayes' zero shots, 10 rebounds and six fouls in the win over the Nets, says Tim Legler.
Unsilent Majority: Well, as long as he was able to make it, that totally justifies murder.
Christmas Ape: You can barely tell the difference.
[Awful Announcing bangs his shoe against the desk, in reference to NOT Principal Skinner but in fact Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev. Because if there's one blogger who knows his communism, it's AA.]
AA: Gentlemen, to business! Will, I believe you had a plan to address the Cuban situation?
UM: My money's on an exploding cigar.
Monday Morning Punter: Nah, I like the diving suit powdered with deadly fungus.
Flubby: Well, you would.
Leitch: Quiet, you KSK fiends! Always talking at once and never hitting the right beats. Where's the comedy pyramid, I ask?
MMP: Wait, what?
Leitch: Sorry, looks like the Iracane part of our personality took over for a second.
MJD: Oh, so it's only funny when he makes fun of it!
Skeets: Well, it would explain the royal "we" about as well as anything else.
BDD: Wouldn't "pointless affectation" be a hell of a lot simpler?
Skeets: Look, when William of Occam starts weekend editing, then I'll discuss matters of reductionist nominalism.
Leitch: Hey guys, about the last thirty seconds of the conversation, here's what you missed while debating fourteenth century philosophy...
BDD: Rick now?
Sussman: That would be Rick.
Leitch: We have a plan. As you know, some months ago I mentioned I had discovered a contingency plan, something we could unleash if ever the big boys tried moving against us.
MMP: And? What of this grand design, Mr. Speaker!
AA: We're wasting time!
Henry Abbott: The top 50 rookies are ranked. See the impressive Hawk who has soared to the highest spot. David Thorpe reports.
Leitch: Here it is! We dispatched the Balls to his native Philly to bring back the ultimate weapon.
Unsilent: AND!?
[The Balls enters. He is now deaf.]
The Balls: I did it...Will. I brought the bird home. Just wish I could've made it to the after-party. Remember me to...Pornifrey...
[The Balls collapses, but not before posting a link to RedTube and getting five people fired as a result. Because the power of Daulerio totally compels you to click those links. Oh, totally. Although those bukkake shots in his last Cultural Oddsmaker were a bit much.]
Leitch: He...he comes...
[In bursts the door...]
Stephen A. Smith of Stephen A. Smith's My Blog: I Would Like To Be Known As A person Who Is Concerned About Freedom And Equality And Justice And Prosperity For All People!!!
Skeets: My God...
Xmas Ape: My Grodd...
Ufford: He's...he's perfect.
Stephen A.: I Did Not Get on The Bus To Get Arrested I Got On The Bus To Go Home!!!
MMP: I mean...he is a blogger these days.
Sussman: And could even Mark Cuban stop, stop...
Stephen A.: People Always Say That I Didn't Give Up My Seat Because I Was Tired, But That Isn't True!!! I Was Not Tired Physically, Or No More Tired than I Usually Was At The End Of A Working Day!!! I Was Not Old, Although Some People Have An Image Of Me As Being Old Then. I Was Forty-Two!!! No, The Only Tired I Was, Was Tired Of Giving In!!!
Leitch: Gentlemen...we have ourselves a plan.
Ufford: No...we have ourselves a solution.
BDD: Man, they really do teach you one-liners in the corps, don't they?
Ufford: All part of basic, fist-face.
Leitch: Stephen? Looks like we're sending you to American Airlines Center with one gosh heck of a doctored press pass.
Stephen A.: You May Go On And do So!!!!!
[They all evilly laugh. Somewhere, Mike Lupica has twelve heart attacks. At least...I hope he does. Massive orchestral string, and...OUT!!!!]
Monday, March 10, 2008
THESES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
That right there would be a double reference to not one but two of my geeky passions, Superdickery and Futurama. I'm not sure whether passing off what is essentially stealing someone else's joke counts as a sincere homage or just makes me lazy. Probably lazy...lazy like a fox! (And there goes The Simpsons. Let's just move on.)
The reason for the post title, beyond allowing me to indulge in all that aforementioned silliness, is because I don't really think the thesis of this article has much of anything to do with what follows. Maybe the first paragraph right after, but that's it. And as a college-trained essayist (you know...bullshit artist), that bothers me no end.
The writer is a dude by the name of Martin McNeal. The paper is The Sacramento Bee. The column's dumb name is "Marty Mac's World." The time...is NOW!!!!
Let's begin with the premise that Kings forward Ron Artest is unlike any other player in NBA history.
OK, so here's my question to you...what, based on that thesis, do you think the article is about?
A. An exploration of Ron Artest's skill set and how it is totally different from anyone else's
B. A detailed statistical analysis of various similarity score methodologies, including those developed by John Hollinger and Ken Pomeroy, and how they consistently show him to have a larger variance from the mean than any other player
C. A relatively standard regurgitation of various well-known "Ron is crazy!!!" anecdotes
D. About a paragraph of answer C followed by a weird Reggie Theus story
If you answered "B" - congratulations, you can marry my sister. Thankfully, she's hypothetical, so I haven't promised anything. Anyway, the wedding's tomorrow. I'm oiling up my shotgun, so you better be there.
Oh, and the answer is "D". For some reason.
The central figure in the league's wildest brawl was none other than Artest.
I guess, although Ben Wallace and a bunch of drunken Detroit fans had their part to play in that little drama. Oh, and I know I'm stealing a page from Simmons's playbook here, but that summation is seriously undervaluing what Stephen Jackson brought to the brawl.
No other player has spoken about taking a part-time gig at an electronics store so he could get a discount
For the record, that remains pretty much my favorite fact about any player ever.
or discussed taking time off from training camp to work on and promote his rap career.
Look, with an album of the quality of My World: Ron Artest, you'd do the same damn thing. But you don't have to trust me on this - All Music Guide, what say you?
Instead of just reveling in his ball player image, he wants to explain himself, his actions, and his thoughts. Although one can appreciate the sincerity, it's difficult to digest his less-than-able rhymes, not to mention the occasionally bland production throughout the LP. For example, the political message of "No Good" is handicapped by its sloppy delivery and the uttering of too many bars without enough recognizably rhyming words.
RIGHT ON!!!
Also, since we're apparently being asked to buy into the crazy premise that Ron Artest is singularly unique, I think it's worth pointing out the following...
1. His skill set reminds me of Dennis Rodman. I don't think he's nearly as good, but there are some reasonable similarities.
2. The brawl stuff is also Bad-Boys-esque, with perhaps a dash of Kermit Washington. Also, Stephen Jackson was way crazier. Bears mentioning again.
3. As much as I love the discount story, I think Latrell Sprewell is equally cheap, what with his "feed my family" comments during the lockout.
4. Great basketball players trying and mostly failing to be great rappers is nothing new:
By the way, that's the best rap ever made by a basketball player. Holy shit.
So yeah, I really haven't seen anything that makes Artest "unlike any other player in NBA history." He's a character, no question, but he fits into an entire timeline of similar characters that I imagine stretches all the way back to when Dolph Schayes used to carry a shivving knife onto the court in case Paul Arizin brought his shit. Those set-shotting motherfuckers knew how to roll is all I'm saying.
To say Artest has made his bed and must lie in it for the remainder of his career is accurate.
To say that's a weird metaphor is also accurate. I'm not saying he made it up or that that's even completely wrong, but that just strikes me as an odd way to describe it.
However, to say Artest has been a constant distraction in the Kings' locker room this season is inaccurate.
So...um...the fact that Artest is NOT a huge locker room distraction makes him unlike every other player? You know who's a huge asshole in the locker room? That fuck Shane Battier, that's who. Also every other player in the league. Because, you know, Ron not being a distraction in the locker room means everyone else has to be. I believe they call that the Law of Conservation of Ron Ron's Uniqueness, sometimes known as the fifth Law of Ronmodyronics. All I can say is, if Artest ever gets tired of deriving nutrients from nitrogen and decides to start breathing oxygen...well, Andrei Kirilenko better start learning anaerobic respiration is all I'm saying.
*INSERT KINKY ANDREI KIRILENKO SEX JOKE HERE*
Ha ha! You sure nailed Kirilenko! Yes, you there, the reader of this post! I should let you write this blog more often with zingers like that!
I'm sorry, I'm totally lost (but then, what the fuck else is new?). So yeah, your guiding premise is that Ron is unlike anyone else. Let's hear some more evidence to support this idea.
And that comes from coach Reggie Theus.
"There are times when Ron has what I call 'moments,' " Theus said Wednesday afternoon by telephone from Los Angeles before the Kings played the Clippers.
Way in which Ron Artest is unlike everyone else...Ron Artest is apparently five years old. Seriously...Theus calls them "moments"? Who other than a mother of a bratty toddler says stuff like that? OK, MAYBE the wife of a drug addict. The point is, it's all rather frighteningly domestic, the way Reggie is describing his relationship with Artest.
"And there are times when it becomes a little annoying, but would I call Ron a major distraction? No. I don't know what happened before I got here, but that has not been the case this year.
"A little annoying"? Why does Reggie Theus make me think he and Ron spend lazy summer days up in the treehouse, where sometimes out of boredom Ron puts a bug in Reggie's hair? And sure, Reggie thinks it's a bit annoying, but he's wise enough to know that's just Ronnie's way of showing he cares.
Honestly, this is pretty much exactly what springs to mind as I read this:
Dude, Reggie, I'm pretty sure the Maloofs would spring for a pony if you just asked them. I mean, they'd probably assume you meant some sort of exotic whore and/or drug combo, but I'm sure they'd also be happy to pay for the equine variety if you just asked them. But yeah, don't let Ron get you down. He totally likes you, even if he's too weird to admit it. You know when he dresses up in that cape-and-mask combo and says he has to avenge "wrongs", which always takes the form of him just practicing extra-hard "on behalf of that mild-mannered Ron Artest" while wearing the stupid costume? Yeah...that's just his way of expressing his crush.
God, I miss Calvin and Hobbes.
"I'll give you an example. There was a game we won – it might have been against Memphis, but really, which one I can't remember.
I find that hard to believe...you haven't had that many! AW *SNAP*!!!
But Ron had a moment, and it was pretty pointed in terms of him venting about something. Usually, when he gets upset, it's that he doesn't feel we're utilizing him properly. And sometimes he's right. But while what he says is right, the way he says it is not right.
If anything, this article is doing way more to convince me that Reggie Theus is unlike any other coach in NBA history, in that he's apparently a middle school guidance counsellor. Well, OK, so was Billy Cunningham, but even so...
"So, at halftime of that game, I felt like I needed to let him know how I felt. And it was a situation where Ron could have made it a lot worse.
He could have made it a lot worse, in that it's completely possible Ron could have pulled out a knife and stabbed Reggie Theus right then and there. You see, Ron Artest is a crazy motherfucker.
I mean, I definitely opened up the door for that to happen.
No, Reggie, no. Never blame yourself. You are the victim, but that doesn't mean you should victimize yourself. You are a good person, Reggie, and you're not responsible for what Ron does to you. The second you realize that, the second you can step out from under his thumb. Come on, Reggie. The sun is shining.
Basically, Ron shook his head, said 'Yes' and never said another word."
Hopefully, he was using that silent time to figure out why he shakes his head when he says "Yes." Many of us nod at that particular juncture.
Theus said many of Artest's "moments" result from the player's determination.
Man, it's just excuses, excuses, excuses. It would be fine if it was excuses, excuses, excuses, and proving how Ron Artest is unlike any other player in history. But all I've heard is a not particularly apt anecdote from Reggie Theus. Yes, you heard right! I question its aptness!!
"There is a natural competitiveness that you have to deal with when it comes to Ron, and sometimes I have to let him know he's gone too far," Theus said. "As a coach, you have to accept certain things from star players from the competitive edge side."
Right, from star players. Absolutely. Michael Jordan was legendarily nasty when it came to his competitiveness. So Ron is like other star players, which of course is a pretty elite subset of the average player, but still a recognizable group. Thesis remaining unproven, dude.
Artest said he got "heated" following the team's poor performance in a road loss to Miami last week, when he heard Theus discuss using the Kings' younger players and thought the team would stop playing all-out to win.
What precisely does Ron mean when he uses a term like "heated"? I'd like to think it involves stabbing. Yeah, I'm going to go with "involves stabbing."
"I play every game to win," said Artest, who was so disgusted following Tuesday night's home loss to the Lakers that he did not come out to meet the media. "I just sat in the back because I was (angry) about us losing. I feel like I owe it to Sactown, the Maloofs, the fans, my teammates to come out every night and do what I can do to try to win.
Aren't "the fans" and "Sactown" a little redundant? You just mentioned "Sactown" because you think it sounds dirty, didn't you Ron? Well-played, sir, well-played.
"As far as I'm concerned, if we're not eliminated from the playoffs, then we still can make the playoffs.
Ron, a fifty-win team might not make the playoffs in the West this year. You guys are going to have to play lights-out the rest of the way just to reach .500. Unless you can convince the NBA to move you guys to the East (and stranger things have happened...what the hell were the Bucs doing in the old NFC Central?) I think you might as well consider yourself eliminated.
And I can't stand to hear anybody – my coach, my friends, moms, pops, anybody – say we can't do it.
Mr. and Mrs. Artest: apparently not the world's most supportive parents. You'd never guess based on their son's behavior.
I know it might be impossible for other people to believe that, and I understand that. But belief is a strong thing, and I believe in my teammates, and that's what I told them. I didn't cuss anybody out. I did have a loud tone, but mainly it was a fear of giving up on the season."
A loud tone? Um, Ron...
1: vocal or musical sound of a specific quality ; especially : musical sound with respect to timbre and manner of expression
Thanks, Merriam Webster. I think you mean loud volume there. You're never going to be a true leader if you don't understand the power of acoustics.
Kings assistant Chuck Person stepped up while Artest was having this "moment."
"Chuck is like a father figure to me and always has been in my corner," Artest said of Person, who was an assistant with Indiana while Artest played for the Pacers. "He was basically saying, 'You got your point across; now shut the hell up.'
Admittedly, this article is doing jack shit to show me how unique Ron is, but it is giving me tremendous insight into his concept of parenthood. It's pretty much explaining everything.
And I did. But in my opinion, I haven't had any major blowups this season."
For some reason, I'm reminded of the words of Jack Herbein, Vice President of Consolidated Edison, when he gave his thoughts on Three Mile Island incident: "It's a normal aberration. This accident is not out of the ordinary for this kind of reactor."
By the way, between this and my other Three Mile Island reference in another post, I think I'm really making a push to have that considered the go-to nuclear disaster comedy reference. Because even I'm a little scared off by Chernobyl jokes. Fucking reds.
Lakers forward Lamar Odom has played with or against Artest since they were about 12 years old. "He's been the same type of player since he was a kid," Odom said.
Hell, he's been the same type of person since he was a kid. I haven't seen any evidence he's grown up at all.
Said Artest: "All I want is for everybody to believe in each other like I believe in them because we're all we have."
Quite the opposite, in fact. Seriously...does that quote have the emotional register of a seven-year-old, or am I giving Ron too much credit? Talk about your run-ons...
Unfortunately for Martin McNeal, overgrown man-children are pretty much a dime-a-dozen in the NBA (hell, in pro sports in general), so I can't really say that proves his thesis that Ron is the most unique player ever. That means, much as it pains me to do so, I am forced to award this column the lowest grade imaginable...
Check...
MINUS.
I know, I know. I'm hardcore, but you don't get to be a blogger by being soft. Now where's my stabbing knife? I've got an old-timers charity game against Bob Cousy in thirty minutes, and you just know he's feeling frisky.
The reason for the post title, beyond allowing me to indulge in all that aforementioned silliness, is because I don't really think the thesis of this article has much of anything to do with what follows. Maybe the first paragraph right after, but that's it. And as a college-trained essayist (you know...bullshit artist), that bothers me no end.
The writer is a dude by the name of Martin McNeal. The paper is The Sacramento Bee. The column's dumb name is "Marty Mac's World." The time...is NOW!!!!
Let's begin with the premise that Kings forward Ron Artest is unlike any other player in NBA history.
OK, so here's my question to you...what, based on that thesis, do you think the article is about?
A. An exploration of Ron Artest's skill set and how it is totally different from anyone else's
B. A detailed statistical analysis of various similarity score methodologies, including those developed by John Hollinger and Ken Pomeroy, and how they consistently show him to have a larger variance from the mean than any other player
C. A relatively standard regurgitation of various well-known "Ron is crazy!!!" anecdotes
D. About a paragraph of answer C followed by a weird Reggie Theus story
If you answered "B" - congratulations, you can marry my sister. Thankfully, she's hypothetical, so I haven't promised anything. Anyway, the wedding's tomorrow. I'm oiling up my shotgun, so you better be there.
Oh, and the answer is "D". For some reason.
The central figure in the league's wildest brawl was none other than Artest.
I guess, although Ben Wallace and a bunch of drunken Detroit fans had their part to play in that little drama. Oh, and I know I'm stealing a page from Simmons's playbook here, but that summation is seriously undervaluing what Stephen Jackson brought to the brawl.
No other player has spoken about taking a part-time gig at an electronics store so he could get a discount
For the record, that remains pretty much my favorite fact about any player ever.
or discussed taking time off from training camp to work on and promote his rap career.
Look, with an album of the quality of My World: Ron Artest, you'd do the same damn thing. But you don't have to trust me on this - All Music Guide, what say you?
Instead of just reveling in his ball player image, he wants to explain himself, his actions, and his thoughts. Although one can appreciate the sincerity, it's difficult to digest his less-than-able rhymes, not to mention the occasionally bland production throughout the LP. For example, the political message of "No Good" is handicapped by its sloppy delivery and the uttering of too many bars without enough recognizably rhyming words.
RIGHT ON!!!
Also, since we're apparently being asked to buy into the crazy premise that Ron Artest is singularly unique, I think it's worth pointing out the following...
1. His skill set reminds me of Dennis Rodman. I don't think he's nearly as good, but there are some reasonable similarities.
2. The brawl stuff is also Bad-Boys-esque, with perhaps a dash of Kermit Washington. Also, Stephen Jackson was way crazier. Bears mentioning again.
3. As much as I love the discount story, I think Latrell Sprewell is equally cheap, what with his "feed my family" comments during the lockout.
4. Great basketball players trying and mostly failing to be great rappers is nothing new:
By the way, that's the best rap ever made by a basketball player. Holy shit.
So yeah, I really haven't seen anything that makes Artest "unlike any other player in NBA history." He's a character, no question, but he fits into an entire timeline of similar characters that I imagine stretches all the way back to when Dolph Schayes used to carry a shivving knife onto the court in case Paul Arizin brought his shit. Those set-shotting motherfuckers knew how to roll is all I'm saying.
To say Artest has made his bed and must lie in it for the remainder of his career is accurate.
To say that's a weird metaphor is also accurate. I'm not saying he made it up or that that's even completely wrong, but that just strikes me as an odd way to describe it.
However, to say Artest has been a constant distraction in the Kings' locker room this season is inaccurate.
So...um...the fact that Artest is NOT a huge locker room distraction makes him unlike every other player? You know who's a huge asshole in the locker room? That fuck Shane Battier, that's who. Also every other player in the league. Because, you know, Ron not being a distraction in the locker room means everyone else has to be. I believe they call that the Law of Conservation of Ron Ron's Uniqueness, sometimes known as the fifth Law of Ronmodyronics. All I can say is, if Artest ever gets tired of deriving nutrients from nitrogen and decides to start breathing oxygen...well, Andrei Kirilenko better start learning anaerobic respiration is all I'm saying.
*INSERT KINKY ANDREI KIRILENKO SEX JOKE HERE*
Ha ha! You sure nailed Kirilenko! Yes, you there, the reader of this post! I should let you write this blog more often with zingers like that!
I'm sorry, I'm totally lost (but then, what the fuck else is new?). So yeah, your guiding premise is that Ron is unlike anyone else. Let's hear some more evidence to support this idea.
And that comes from coach Reggie Theus.
"There are times when Ron has what I call 'moments,' " Theus said Wednesday afternoon by telephone from Los Angeles before the Kings played the Clippers.
Way in which Ron Artest is unlike everyone else...Ron Artest is apparently five years old. Seriously...Theus calls them "moments"? Who other than a mother of a bratty toddler says stuff like that? OK, MAYBE the wife of a drug addict. The point is, it's all rather frighteningly domestic, the way Reggie is describing his relationship with Artest.
"And there are times when it becomes a little annoying, but would I call Ron a major distraction? No. I don't know what happened before I got here, but that has not been the case this year.
"A little annoying"? Why does Reggie Theus make me think he and Ron spend lazy summer days up in the treehouse, where sometimes out of boredom Ron puts a bug in Reggie's hair? And sure, Reggie thinks it's a bit annoying, but he's wise enough to know that's just Ronnie's way of showing he cares.
Honestly, this is pretty much exactly what springs to mind as I read this:
Dude, Reggie, I'm pretty sure the Maloofs would spring for a pony if you just asked them. I mean, they'd probably assume you meant some sort of exotic whore and/or drug combo, but I'm sure they'd also be happy to pay for the equine variety if you just asked them. But yeah, don't let Ron get you down. He totally likes you, even if he's too weird to admit it. You know when he dresses up in that cape-and-mask combo and says he has to avenge "wrongs", which always takes the form of him just practicing extra-hard "on behalf of that mild-mannered Ron Artest" while wearing the stupid costume? Yeah...that's just his way of expressing his crush.
God, I miss Calvin and Hobbes.
"I'll give you an example. There was a game we won – it might have been against Memphis, but really, which one I can't remember.
I find that hard to believe...you haven't had that many! AW *SNAP*!!!
But Ron had a moment, and it was pretty pointed in terms of him venting about something. Usually, when he gets upset, it's that he doesn't feel we're utilizing him properly. And sometimes he's right. But while what he says is right, the way he says it is not right.
If anything, this article is doing way more to convince me that Reggie Theus is unlike any other coach in NBA history, in that he's apparently a middle school guidance counsellor. Well, OK, so was Billy Cunningham, but even so...
"So, at halftime of that game, I felt like I needed to let him know how I felt. And it was a situation where Ron could have made it a lot worse.
He could have made it a lot worse, in that it's completely possible Ron could have pulled out a knife and stabbed Reggie Theus right then and there. You see, Ron Artest is a crazy motherfucker.
I mean, I definitely opened up the door for that to happen.
No, Reggie, no. Never blame yourself. You are the victim, but that doesn't mean you should victimize yourself. You are a good person, Reggie, and you're not responsible for what Ron does to you. The second you realize that, the second you can step out from under his thumb. Come on, Reggie. The sun is shining.
Basically, Ron shook his head, said 'Yes' and never said another word."
Hopefully, he was using that silent time to figure out why he shakes his head when he says "Yes." Many of us nod at that particular juncture.
Theus said many of Artest's "moments" result from the player's determination.
Man, it's just excuses, excuses, excuses. It would be fine if it was excuses, excuses, excuses, and proving how Ron Artest is unlike any other player in history. But all I've heard is a not particularly apt anecdote from Reggie Theus. Yes, you heard right! I question its aptness!!
"There is a natural competitiveness that you have to deal with when it comes to Ron, and sometimes I have to let him know he's gone too far," Theus said. "As a coach, you have to accept certain things from star players from the competitive edge side."
Right, from star players. Absolutely. Michael Jordan was legendarily nasty when it came to his competitiveness. So Ron is like other star players, which of course is a pretty elite subset of the average player, but still a recognizable group. Thesis remaining unproven, dude.
Artest said he got "heated" following the team's poor performance in a road loss to Miami last week, when he heard Theus discuss using the Kings' younger players and thought the team would stop playing all-out to win.
What precisely does Ron mean when he uses a term like "heated"? I'd like to think it involves stabbing. Yeah, I'm going to go with "involves stabbing."
"I play every game to win," said Artest, who was so disgusted following Tuesday night's home loss to the Lakers that he did not come out to meet the media. "I just sat in the back because I was (angry) about us losing. I feel like I owe it to Sactown, the Maloofs, the fans, my teammates to come out every night and do what I can do to try to win.
Aren't "the fans" and "Sactown" a little redundant? You just mentioned "Sactown" because you think it sounds dirty, didn't you Ron? Well-played, sir, well-played.
"As far as I'm concerned, if we're not eliminated from the playoffs, then we still can make the playoffs.
Ron, a fifty-win team might not make the playoffs in the West this year. You guys are going to have to play lights-out the rest of the way just to reach .500. Unless you can convince the NBA to move you guys to the East (and stranger things have happened...what the hell were the Bucs doing in the old NFC Central?) I think you might as well consider yourself eliminated.
And I can't stand to hear anybody – my coach, my friends, moms, pops, anybody – say we can't do it.
Mr. and Mrs. Artest: apparently not the world's most supportive parents. You'd never guess based on their son's behavior.
I know it might be impossible for other people to believe that, and I understand that. But belief is a strong thing, and I believe in my teammates, and that's what I told them. I didn't cuss anybody out. I did have a loud tone, but mainly it was a fear of giving up on the season."
A loud tone? Um, Ron...
1: vocal or musical sound of a specific quality
Thanks, Merriam Webster. I think you mean loud volume there. You're never going to be a true leader if you don't understand the power of acoustics.
Kings assistant Chuck Person stepped up while Artest was having this "moment."
"Chuck is like a father figure to me and always has been in my corner," Artest said of Person, who was an assistant with Indiana while Artest played for the Pacers. "He was basically saying, 'You got your point across; now shut the hell up.'
Admittedly, this article is doing jack shit to show me how unique Ron is, but it is giving me tremendous insight into his concept of parenthood. It's pretty much explaining everything.
And I did. But in my opinion, I haven't had any major blowups this season."
For some reason, I'm reminded of the words of Jack Herbein, Vice President of Consolidated Edison, when he gave his thoughts on Three Mile Island incident: "It's a normal aberration. This accident is not out of the ordinary for this kind of reactor."
By the way, between this and my other Three Mile Island reference in another post, I think I'm really making a push to have that considered the go-to nuclear disaster comedy reference. Because even I'm a little scared off by Chernobyl jokes. Fucking reds.
Lakers forward Lamar Odom has played with or against Artest since they were about 12 years old. "He's been the same type of player since he was a kid," Odom said.
Hell, he's been the same type of person since he was a kid. I haven't seen any evidence he's grown up at all.
Said Artest: "All I want is for everybody to believe in each other like I believe in them because we're all we have."
Quite the opposite, in fact. Seriously...does that quote have the emotional register of a seven-year-old, or am I giving Ron too much credit? Talk about your run-ons...
Unfortunately for Martin McNeal, overgrown man-children are pretty much a dime-a-dozen in the NBA (hell, in pro sports in general), so I can't really say that proves his thesis that Ron is the most unique player ever. That means, much as it pains me to do so, I am forced to award this column the lowest grade imaginable...
Check...
MINUS.
I know, I know. I'm hardcore, but you don't get to be a blogger by being soft. Now where's my stabbing knife? I've got an old-timers charity game against Bob Cousy in thirty minutes, and you just know he's feeling frisky.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
52 52 52 Week #3: Texas
In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
I've been gone too long, my friends. I must admit I blogged myself out with the successive Friday and Favre Frenzies. All I can say is, if Peter Forsberg decides to pull any shit in the next few days...well, alliteration or no, someone else can cover it. Sorry dudes, but I just can't keep that sort of pace up indefinitely. But I'm pretty sure I have the energy for a weekly post about shitty local journalism. And since this week is Texas and I do feel a bit guilty for not posting recently, I'll make it extra big. I've already done pictures - I think it's time to tackle videos. But, without further ado...
The highest point in Texas is the first even remotely manly size I've heard so far, with Guadalupe Peak soaring to 8,749 feet. That's a full ten times higher than Rhode Island's Jehimoth Hill, but admittedly it doesn't have anything anywhere near as interesting as Jehimoth's bizarre tale of trespassing through driveways and being more inaccessible than Mount McKinley. Oh well, here's what I've got on the factoid front...
1. At the summit there's a commemorative marker erected in 1958 to remember the 100th anniversary of the Butterfield Overland Mail, which was a stagecoach route that passed south of the mountain. The marker is apparently a stainless steel pyramid. For some reason, it was none other than American Airlines who put the thing up. Weird. Although the American Airlines logo is prominently displayed on the pyramid, so I guess it isn't that weird.
2. It's actually a three-sided pyramid, and apparently American Airlines was renting out commemorative space to take better advantage of that lucrative "markers at the top of Texas's highest point" market. One of the two sides memorializes the Pony Express. Something you might not know about the Pony Express: they only operated for all of sixteen months, from April 1860 to October 1861.
3. The other side has a compass on it to mark Boy Scouts of America. This seems as good a time as any to say "Fuck the Boy Scouts." Penn & Teller told me as much, and both Djmmm and I listen to those guys unquestioningly. (That's the point of their show, right?)
Eh, Guadalupe Peak is no Jehimoth Hill. Ah well, this series is only tangentially meant to educate you guys about the fascinating topic that is the highpoints of these fifty states. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
As far as newspapers in Texas go, I'm pretty spoiled for choice, what with them having at least three major cities and all. All three have turned out their share of journalists who range from a little shaky to completely shitty; Dallas has Tim Cowlishaw, Houston has Richard Justice, San Antonio has...well, Dallas has Skip Bayless. Or at least they had him. I'm pretty sure Skip has been completely absorbed into the gestalt ESPN entity. You know those kids who got named Espn by their dumbass parents? Yeah, those are all just incubators for the Great Bristol Ones. Gotta read your Lovecraft if you're gonna take on the WWL, people!
In any event, my newspaper of choice is a little smaller than the Dallas or Houston outfits, in keeping with my mission to make fun of local journalism. Ladies and gentlemen (eh, who am I kidding...I know only the ladies read a blog this sexy), please meet The Austin American-Statesman, which apparently is a pretty awesome journal of record, all things considered. It's often called liberal with a pro-business bias, which I think sounds kinda cool, but much better than any random political leaning is that they are said to give fair coverage to Green and Libertarian Party activies, which in these days of two-party monopoly (duopoly?) is refreshing as all hell. (But what about the Monster Raving Loony Party!?). Also, they're big on covering the alternative music scene, which you'd figure from the newspaper for the city that gave us Slacker.
Oh, and they host reader blogs, which probably makes them the good guys. Hell, the two guys I'm looking at this week, Kirk Bohls and Cedric Golden, aren't really all that bad; they're pretty loveable, in a weird, King of the Hill sort of way. Which is to say they're dumb, but they're so earnest and mild-mannered about it that you can't really hold it against them. You might wonder why I'm dealing with two people this week instead of one. All will become clear, my friends. All will become clear...
First up, Cedric Golden. This is about a week old, so part of my criticism is a little unfair, but do tell, Cedric...which two Texas teams do you want to see in the NBA playoffs?
Give us Dallas and San Antonio in a seven-game NBA playoff series.
Really? You want to see a weirdly-constructed, most likely fatally flawed team play a kinda boring (TV ratings prove that fact as objectively true) team that, if Bill Simmons is correct, flops more than Dick Fosbury in 1968? And Dick Fosbury did A LOT of flopping in 1968. Also Bill Simmons is never wrong.
Give us two teams with little regard for each other, playing as if the NBA title were on the line.
Wait...they have little regard for each other? Holy shit, better keep these two away from one another!! I mean, when you put two teams with only miniscule quantities of regard for each other take to the same floor...well, you know what, shit just gets real.
Seriously, I'm not the biggest NBA fan around, but when I think juicy rivalries, I think Suns-Lakers (especially if Shaq can say something weird to set Kobe off). Not really Spurs-Mavs.
Give us two teams who have split their past 20 matchups 11-9 in favor of Dallas, with five of the past six decided by five or fewer points.
Dude, that seems like a really unfair criterion. I mean, if you're asking me to choose two teams with their past 20 matchups being in favor of Dallas...well, doesn't that mean I have to choose Dallas? And yeah, I know that's not what he's saying, but I hate hidden variables! Hate 'em hate 'em hate 'em!
Rivalries drive sports, and fans demand that the best rivals meet at the most crucial times. To that end, here are a few more gift requests involving Texas' best.
Yeah...thing is, of course, is that I think Houston is Texas's best, what with the sick winning streak and all. Sure, this was written a week ago when it still looked questionable whether the Yao injury had totally destroyed the Rockets...but hey, don't go dismissing T-Mac. That's what the entire country of Canada did...and someday I imagine it's possible they'll regret that in some capacity. Maybe he can become commissioner of the CFL and run it into the ground or something. He did always strike me as Isaiah-eque.
OK, we hear Kobe Bryant just went an entire month without demanding a trade, and it's because Memphis gift-wrapped power forward Pau Gasol in a deal that made Seward's $7.2 million purchase of Alaska seem way overpriced.
Hey, dude...fuck you. Don't ever question William Seward's purchase of Alaska. You know who he purchased it from? That's right, the Ruskies. We were this close from a communist outpost on the American continent. And as an American, I'm against that. Also, Balto wouldn't have been nearly as uplifting if that wolf-dog had been running under a red flag. God, I hate those commie bastards.
Where was I? Oh yes...
Kobe's quiet now, because L.A. has the best record in the West at 41-18. Plus, you know the NBA marketing mavens would love to see the large-market Lakers make it to the finals with Bryant, the NBA's top player, and Phil Jackson, the league's most decorated coach.
They're also an exciting team with a great top four in Bryant, Bynum, Gasol, and Lamar Odom. Seriously, I'm only a casual NBA fan these days, but the LA Lakers is a team that legitimately excites me. Dallas just confuses me, while San Antonio bores me. I know this makes me not a proper fan and all, but seriously - they've won roughly four (depending on your feelings regarding the 1999 lockout season) titles in the last decade; San Antonio has done just fine for itself. Admittedly, so has LA. Still, you say it yourself Cedric, Kobe is the NBA's top player. Why wouldn't you want to see him go far into the playoffs? Isn't he like officially forgiven by now?
Eh, I know that these are sorta shaky distinctions. It's all subjective, really, and I guess you can't fault the man for playing to his base, which is Texas. Sure, I think he's giving Houston some pretty seriously short shrift, but honestly? It's not really that bad. Although lines like these rankle me a little:
OK, commissioner Stern, we could live with Kobe in the finals if we had to, just as long as the two Texas rivals get to square off sometime during the playoffs. And if L.A. knocks off Dallas or San Antonio en route to the title series, then it earned the right.
I hate it when people address David Stern in their articles, if only because then it treads dangerously towards some stupid "the league doesn't want it to happen but it should happen for the purity of the game" bullshit. Also, I like that Kobe must play one of the Texas teams to legitimately make it to the Finals. As though playing three 50 wins teams like, I don't know, New Orleans, Phoenix, and Utah wouldn't be a real achievement. I'm pretty sure LA would have "earned the right" if they did that.
I've got a lot to get through, so I'll run through the rest of this quickly...
Dirk Nowitzki won the 2007 regular-season most valuable player award, but he would trade that honor in a St. Croix second for one of Tim Duncan's four championships.
St. Croix travels at roughly 10,000 miles per hour. So relativistically, their seconds are somewhat longer. That's a little-known fact.
While some call him Irk (no D)
Who calls him that? Those people are assholes.
we must respect that he added a physical element to his offensive game — fewer three-pointers and more drives to the bucket — while also giving an honest effort at the defensive end.
Yes, I'll respect him for "an honest effort" - this is kindergarten four-square, right? Because other than that, I can't really see myself respecting somebody for "an honest effort." And I can see myself doing a lot of things.
His numbers are good this season (23.2 points, 8.7 rebounds), but the only number that really matters is wins
Which he only deserves credit for if his numbers are good, because that means he's actually contributing to said wins. So those first numbers matter inasmuch as they determine just how many wins Dallas is likely to rack up.
and Nowitzki's shoulders are burdened with the weight of expectations, a heavy load for a man who did not play up to his MVP billing in the embarrassing loss to eighth-seeded Golden State last postseason.
Man, that really was a colossal choke job. Remind me why we absolutely must have Dallas as one of the key players in the postseason?
Not so for Duncan, who is steadier than a surgeon's hand
You mean he does a lot of meth? Because dude, that's how surgeons do it. At least, that's what I gleaned from this one episode of M*A*S*H where Winchester was taking meth but he said it was BLAH BLAH BLAH preachy Alan Alda message BLAH BLAH BLAH war is hell BLAH BLAH BLAH no seriously it is. Although the movie M*A*S*H was unquestionably the balls, whatever faults the TV show later developed:
and as dependable as any forward who has played this game. No greater authority than Charles Barkley agrees. After Karl Malone left the set of "Inside the NBA" during All-Star weekend, Barkley gushed, "There goes the third-best power forward of all time."
"Who's second?" asked host Ernie Johnson.
"I am," Barkley announced. "And Tim Duncan's first. No question."
OK, I'm calling bullshit. Wasn't Barkley like a guard or something? I mean a really fat one, but a guard nonetheless? Also, where's Bob Pettit!? YOU FUCKING FORGOT BOB PETTIT!!!
Don't waste your money watching Floyd Mayweather Jr. wrestle a guy four times his size when the real big show is here in Texas.
Um...OK...I won't.
Instead of the Pretty Boy jumping over the top rope, I'll take Terry and Bowen playing musical elbows over 48 minutes.
Musical elbows? Musical elbows!? C'mon Cedric, don't go all Scoop on me and start making random shit up.
There's more, but I think you get the point. This is just a prelude for the main event anyway.
Let's take a quick look at Kirk Bohls's piece. It's actually essentially fine (as is Cedric's, if I'm being honest), but I have one thing I need to draw your attention to. The article is about a bunch of baseball legends meeting to celebrate the game in Texas.
In the midst of sordid accusations and angry headlines and dark Congressional hearings that threaten to spoil a once proud sport, the game's national pastime was rediscovered — if only for 80 minutes. Five distinguished guests who have played the game, managed the game, broadcast the game and directed the game spent a chilly Monday night extolling baseball's virtues in the George Bush Presidential Library on the Texas A&M campus.
Sounds good. Who was there?
Joe Morgan, introduced to the game by a father who played baseball,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Anyone but him!!!!
And seriously, if you think Joe wasn't up to his old tricks, think a-fucking-gain...
Morgan disputed the history of the first home run ever hit in the Astrodome.
Of course he did.
Sure, Mantle was credited with hitting the first one in the first game played indoors, but the Hall of Fame second baseman claimed he had hit one the day before in an Astros exhibition against the Triple-A club.
Damn you Joe. Damn you to hell, where I imagine you can meet up with Mickey Mantle and explain why you're cramping his buzz. Which, from what I've heard, was a pretty substantial buzz, as far as these things go.
"I lit up the scoreboard and the bull and all that stuff," Morgan said. "But who's Joe Morgan? They didn't even know if I was going to stay up the whole year."
Don't tease me with what might have been. Last I checked, they don't pay failed prospects big bucks to talk idiotically about baseball. Nope, they pay failed prospects big bucks to destroy baseball and write books about it.
Now, here comes the fun part. For whatever reason, the good folks at The Austin American-Statesman thought it would be good to sit Cedric and Kirk in front of a gray wall and have them talk sports topics for a minute. They call it the Longhorn Minute, and it's basically the ultra-low-rent, local version of Pardon the Interruption, which as you can imagine makes me just unspeakably happy.
I wish I could embed it for your viewing pleasure, but after days of trying, I have to say those crafty webmasters at the Austin American-Statesman have outmaneuvered me. Wouldn't be the first time. Anyway, here's the link; I'll provide a transcript in case when you're reading this ten years from now they've taken it down. Because I know that's going to be all the rage in 2018.
The topic is Roger Clemens. Kirk and Cedric, the floor is yours.
Kirk: Cedric, Congress has said that they may pursue perjury charges against, uh, Roger Clemens after his testimony before that, uh, what's it, Oversight and Reform committee...
Technically Oversight and Government Reform, but it's not as though I would have done any better.
Cedric: Mm hmm.
Good contribution, Cedric. Way to maximize your minute. LONG...HORN!!!
Kirk: Do you think we'll ever see Roger Clemens behind bars?
For the record, a show where Roger Clemens is a bartender and wacky hijinks ensue would be kinda awesome. Mostly shitty as all fuck, but also kinda awesome. Much like Highlander:
Look, if I can't embed the actual video, I'm going to embed something. Also, you're welcome.
Cedric: No way, I just, I don't see Roger Clemens going to jail...
That's incisive legal analysis if ever I heard it. I'm sure our resident law student Djmmm would second the soundness of that opinion. Who can forget Pierce Butler's brilliant summation of the landmark 1924 Supreme Court case United States v. Ninety-Five Barrels Alleged Apple Cider Vinegar, where he wrote, "I just don't see that apple cider vinegar is labeled correctly when that vinegar is made from dried apples." Also, what the fuck was the Supreme Court doing in the 1920s? Fucking Taft, man. Worst Chief Justice ever. Yes, even worse than Morrison Waite.
Kirk: Not enough evidence?
Yes Kirk, I bet that's exactly Cedric's reason why Clemens probably won't go to jail. Man, I just love Texan naivete.
Cedric: Uh, I don't know, I just don't see him going to jail. I see him maybe getting sanctioned or, or paying some huge fine but, um, Roger Clemens in jail? I don't see it.
I was actually kinda shocked to discover you apparently can be fined for perjury. I really figured that was bullshit reasoning, but it seems to check out. Although if Djmmm can correct this, I'd certainly like to call Cedric an idiot.
Kirk: Well, I mean, you know, different cases obviously, but we've seen other African-American athletes,
Roger Clemens is African-American?
Michael Vick, Marion Jones, get prison sentences.
Look, I think Michael Vick got excoriated way more than he necessarily deserved because, you know, puppies are cute and he electrocuted them. Sure, that's heinous as all shit, but he sort of became a dumping ground for a lot of other animosity. But dude, torturing puppies when all your friends have decided to take deals and become witnesses against you is slightly different from perjuring yourself in front of Congress, even when all the evidence is definitely going against you. I'm not saying one is more serious than the other, just that "different cases" doesn't really begin to describe how different they are.
Although Marion Jones, yes, that's a good example. Can't really argue that one.
Cedric: Mm hmm.
Cedric...you OK over there?
Kirk: Different cases obviously... different set of circumstances.
Again, as far as Vick goes, "different" is just a teeny weeny bit of an understatement. Just a tad.
Cedric: Yes, yes.
Cedric, I know Kirk is manly in the way only a man who kills his own food can be and has a great sexy Southern drawl and just rocks a button-down shirt like all get out...but seriously, dude, restrain yourself. This is a kid's blog.
(NOTE: If you are a kid, you should probably leave this blog right now. Or at least not tell your parents where you learned all these...well, I'm going to go Star Trek IV here and call them "colorful metaphors.")
Kirk: Do you see any racial overtones in this possibility?
This is an unbelievably loaded question. I'm shocked Stephen A. didn't sense this question through the ether and call in with his thoughts. But Cedric Golden is not Stephen A. Smith. Hell, Cedric Golden might actually be the most sensible sportswriter on this issue I've ever heard. Let's go...
Cedric: I see some racial overtones if Barry Bonds ends up going to jail because both these guys came in around the same time, they both allegedly used performance-enhancers around or after 1998 and there's, uh, a lot of, um, uh, scrutiny that goes along with both.
That seems fair. Speaking of fair, I'm probably being a total dick by putting in all their verbal fillers like that, but I want you to really feel like you're there. And by "there", I mean "watching a tiny video on your computer screen."
I think they're the same type of athlete
I think you'll actually find one's a pitcher...AND THE OTHER'S A BELLY-ITCHER!!! Chortle, chortle, ha ha ha!!! Man...I gotta write jokes like I'm twelve more often.
and they had the similar type of performances at when the steroid era started. So, uh, if Roger Clemens doesn't go to jail and Barry Bonds does, that's gonna open up a can of worms and the race card will be played.
Cedric, I hate to break this to you because you're clearly the most sensible sportswriter in America - seriously, I'm not fucking joking - and you just expect everyone to be as calm and rational about this as you, but the race card has been played. And that was just from quickly checking one blog and keeping it pretty much to just Jemele Hill. I didn't even go looking for Stephen A.'s, Whitlock's, Scoop's, or Wilbon's thoughts on this.
Kirk: Maybe if he does get convicted maybe, uh, President Barack Obama appeals him and heals the nation's wounds. I don't know, it would be interesting to see.
First of all, don't get my hopes up like that Kirk. Second of all, "appeals him"? I know "appeal" and "pardon" look really similar, in that they both have a "p" and an "a" in them ("appeal" has two of each!!), but they're not really the same words...at all. At least it's legalish, I guess. Although how the fuck pardoning Barry Bonds would heal the nation's wounds is anybody's guess.
Also, is Kirk trying to suggest hypothetical President Obama would pardon Barry Bonds because they're both black? Is that how casual racism works in Texas? Maybe he's just clumsily trying to make a joke about Obama being about "hope" and "change" and so forth. In which case...Kirk, I think you should leave the jokes to other people. I mean, dude, the writer's strike is over. It's OK to have people write your gags again.
Cedric: We'll cross that river when we get to it.
At this point Cedric grins insanely, which I really hope means he's intensely debating whether he needs to kick Kirk's ass. Apparently he didn't, as they're back the next week, this time discussing who other than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are Hall of Fame quarterbacks. As Larry B over at FireJay pointed out, these types of discussions are stupid. This is very true. I'll leave you to savor it yourselves, but here are three final thoughts...
1. Note that Kirk and Cedric are dressed almost exactly the same.
2. The use of random AP photos in The Longhorn Minute is just incredible. Every randomly inserted photo is proof that there's some failed film school student editing that somewhere, cursing that he isn't even editing a minute-long discussion of later Ozu.
3. Apparently Carson Palmer is the closest they can come up with for another HOFer. Even though I think I agree, that pretty much underlines how inane this discussion is. Also, unworthy as he definitely is, I can't help but think Kurt Warner dies a little more inside whenever he hears this discussion, wondering what might have been if only it was his team that taped their opponents' walkthrough before Super Bowl XXXVI.
Yes, that's right, fuck the Patriots. Even in Texas, that's true. Either way, I'm back, people, with a regular posting schedule that I'll try to keep to way better than last week. I just hope Ray Ratto has some shit to say this week. Because that fucker's always gold.
I've been gone too long, my friends. I must admit I blogged myself out with the successive Friday and Favre Frenzies. All I can say is, if Peter Forsberg decides to pull any shit in the next few days...well, alliteration or no, someone else can cover it. Sorry dudes, but I just can't keep that sort of pace up indefinitely. But I'm pretty sure I have the energy for a weekly post about shitty local journalism. And since this week is Texas and I do feel a bit guilty for not posting recently, I'll make it extra big. I've already done pictures - I think it's time to tackle videos. But, without further ado...
The highest point in Texas is the first even remotely manly size I've heard so far, with Guadalupe Peak soaring to 8,749 feet. That's a full ten times higher than Rhode Island's Jehimoth Hill, but admittedly it doesn't have anything anywhere near as interesting as Jehimoth's bizarre tale of trespassing through driveways and being more inaccessible than Mount McKinley. Oh well, here's what I've got on the factoid front...
1. At the summit there's a commemorative marker erected in 1958 to remember the 100th anniversary of the Butterfield Overland Mail, which was a stagecoach route that passed south of the mountain. The marker is apparently a stainless steel pyramid. For some reason, it was none other than American Airlines who put the thing up. Weird. Although the American Airlines logo is prominently displayed on the pyramid, so I guess it isn't that weird.
2. It's actually a three-sided pyramid, and apparently American Airlines was renting out commemorative space to take better advantage of that lucrative "markers at the top of Texas's highest point" market. One of the two sides memorializes the Pony Express. Something you might not know about the Pony Express: they only operated for all of sixteen months, from April 1860 to October 1861.
3. The other side has a compass on it to mark Boy Scouts of America. This seems as good a time as any to say "Fuck the Boy Scouts." Penn & Teller told me as much, and both Djmmm and I listen to those guys unquestioningly. (That's the point of their show, right?)
Eh, Guadalupe Peak is no Jehimoth Hill. Ah well, this series is only tangentially meant to educate you guys about the fascinating topic that is the highpoints of these fifty states. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
As far as newspapers in Texas go, I'm pretty spoiled for choice, what with them having at least three major cities and all. All three have turned out their share of journalists who range from a little shaky to completely shitty; Dallas has Tim Cowlishaw, Houston has Richard Justice, San Antonio has...well, Dallas has Skip Bayless. Or at least they had him. I'm pretty sure Skip has been completely absorbed into the gestalt ESPN entity. You know those kids who got named Espn by their dumbass parents? Yeah, those are all just incubators for the Great Bristol Ones. Gotta read your Lovecraft if you're gonna take on the WWL, people!
In any event, my newspaper of choice is a little smaller than the Dallas or Houston outfits, in keeping with my mission to make fun of local journalism. Ladies and gentlemen (eh, who am I kidding...I know only the ladies read a blog this sexy), please meet The Austin American-Statesman, which apparently is a pretty awesome journal of record, all things considered. It's often called liberal with a pro-business bias, which I think sounds kinda cool, but much better than any random political leaning is that they are said to give fair coverage to Green and Libertarian Party activies, which in these days of two-party monopoly (duopoly?) is refreshing as all hell. (But what about the Monster Raving Loony Party!?). Also, they're big on covering the alternative music scene, which you'd figure from the newspaper for the city that gave us Slacker.
Oh, and they host reader blogs, which probably makes them the good guys. Hell, the two guys I'm looking at this week, Kirk Bohls and Cedric Golden, aren't really all that bad; they're pretty loveable, in a weird, King of the Hill sort of way. Which is to say they're dumb, but they're so earnest and mild-mannered about it that you can't really hold it against them. You might wonder why I'm dealing with two people this week instead of one. All will become clear, my friends. All will become clear...
First up, Cedric Golden. This is about a week old, so part of my criticism is a little unfair, but do tell, Cedric...which two Texas teams do you want to see in the NBA playoffs?
Give us Dallas and San Antonio in a seven-game NBA playoff series.
Really? You want to see a weirdly-constructed, most likely fatally flawed team play a kinda boring (TV ratings prove that fact as objectively true) team that, if Bill Simmons is correct, flops more than Dick Fosbury in 1968? And Dick Fosbury did A LOT of flopping in 1968. Also Bill Simmons is never wrong.
Give us two teams with little regard for each other, playing as if the NBA title were on the line.
Wait...they have little regard for each other? Holy shit, better keep these two away from one another!! I mean, when you put two teams with only miniscule quantities of regard for each other take to the same floor...well, you know what, shit just gets real.
Seriously, I'm not the biggest NBA fan around, but when I think juicy rivalries, I think Suns-Lakers (especially if Shaq can say something weird to set Kobe off). Not really Spurs-Mavs.
Give us two teams who have split their past 20 matchups 11-9 in favor of Dallas, with five of the past six decided by five or fewer points.
Dude, that seems like a really unfair criterion. I mean, if you're asking me to choose two teams with their past 20 matchups being in favor of Dallas...well, doesn't that mean I have to choose Dallas? And yeah, I know that's not what he's saying, but I hate hidden variables! Hate 'em hate 'em hate 'em!
Rivalries drive sports, and fans demand that the best rivals meet at the most crucial times. To that end, here are a few more gift requests involving Texas' best.
Yeah...thing is, of course, is that I think Houston is Texas's best, what with the sick winning streak and all. Sure, this was written a week ago when it still looked questionable whether the Yao injury had totally destroyed the Rockets...but hey, don't go dismissing T-Mac. That's what the entire country of Canada did...and someday I imagine it's possible they'll regret that in some capacity. Maybe he can become commissioner of the CFL and run it into the ground or something. He did always strike me as Isaiah-eque.
OK, we hear Kobe Bryant just went an entire month without demanding a trade, and it's because Memphis gift-wrapped power forward Pau Gasol in a deal that made Seward's $7.2 million purchase of Alaska seem way overpriced.
Hey, dude...fuck you. Don't ever question William Seward's purchase of Alaska. You know who he purchased it from? That's right, the Ruskies. We were this close from a communist outpost on the American continent. And as an American, I'm against that. Also, Balto wouldn't have been nearly as uplifting if that wolf-dog had been running under a red flag. God, I hate those commie bastards.
Where was I? Oh yes...
Kobe's quiet now, because L.A. has the best record in the West at 41-18. Plus, you know the NBA marketing mavens would love to see the large-market Lakers make it to the finals with Bryant, the NBA's top player, and Phil Jackson, the league's most decorated coach.
They're also an exciting team with a great top four in Bryant, Bynum, Gasol, and Lamar Odom. Seriously, I'm only a casual NBA fan these days, but the LA Lakers is a team that legitimately excites me. Dallas just confuses me, while San Antonio bores me. I know this makes me not a proper fan and all, but seriously - they've won roughly four (depending on your feelings regarding the 1999 lockout season) titles in the last decade; San Antonio has done just fine for itself. Admittedly, so has LA. Still, you say it yourself Cedric, Kobe is the NBA's top player. Why wouldn't you want to see him go far into the playoffs? Isn't he like officially forgiven by now?
Eh, I know that these are sorta shaky distinctions. It's all subjective, really, and I guess you can't fault the man for playing to his base, which is Texas. Sure, I think he's giving Houston some pretty seriously short shrift, but honestly? It's not really that bad. Although lines like these rankle me a little:
OK, commissioner Stern, we could live with Kobe in the finals if we had to, just as long as the two Texas rivals get to square off sometime during the playoffs. And if L.A. knocks off Dallas or San Antonio en route to the title series, then it earned the right.
I hate it when people address David Stern in their articles, if only because then it treads dangerously towards some stupid "the league doesn't want it to happen but it should happen for the purity of the game" bullshit. Also, I like that Kobe must play one of the Texas teams to legitimately make it to the Finals. As though playing three 50 wins teams like, I don't know, New Orleans, Phoenix, and Utah wouldn't be a real achievement. I'm pretty sure LA would have "earned the right" if they did that.
I've got a lot to get through, so I'll run through the rest of this quickly...
Dirk Nowitzki won the 2007 regular-season most valuable player award, but he would trade that honor in a St. Croix second for one of Tim Duncan's four championships.
St. Croix travels at roughly 10,000 miles per hour. So relativistically, their seconds are somewhat longer. That's a little-known fact.
While some call him Irk (no D)
Who calls him that? Those people are assholes.
we must respect that he added a physical element to his offensive game — fewer three-pointers and more drives to the bucket — while also giving an honest effort at the defensive end.
Yes, I'll respect him for "an honest effort" - this is kindergarten four-square, right? Because other than that, I can't really see myself respecting somebody for "an honest effort." And I can see myself doing a lot of things.
His numbers are good this season (23.2 points, 8.7 rebounds), but the only number that really matters is wins
Which he only deserves credit for if his numbers are good, because that means he's actually contributing to said wins. So those first numbers matter inasmuch as they determine just how many wins Dallas is likely to rack up.
and Nowitzki's shoulders are burdened with the weight of expectations, a heavy load for a man who did not play up to his MVP billing in the embarrassing loss to eighth-seeded Golden State last postseason.
Man, that really was a colossal choke job. Remind me why we absolutely must have Dallas as one of the key players in the postseason?
Not so for Duncan, who is steadier than a surgeon's hand
You mean he does a lot of meth? Because dude, that's how surgeons do it. At least, that's what I gleaned from this one episode of M*A*S*H where Winchester was taking meth but he said it was BLAH BLAH BLAH preachy Alan Alda message BLAH BLAH BLAH war is hell BLAH BLAH BLAH no seriously it is. Although the movie M*A*S*H was unquestionably the balls, whatever faults the TV show later developed:
and as dependable as any forward who has played this game. No greater authority than Charles Barkley agrees. After Karl Malone left the set of "Inside the NBA" during All-Star weekend, Barkley gushed, "There goes the third-best power forward of all time."
"Who's second?" asked host Ernie Johnson.
"I am," Barkley announced. "And Tim Duncan's first. No question."
OK, I'm calling bullshit. Wasn't Barkley like a guard or something? I mean a really fat one, but a guard nonetheless? Also, where's Bob Pettit!? YOU FUCKING FORGOT BOB PETTIT!!!
Don't waste your money watching Floyd Mayweather Jr. wrestle a guy four times his size when the real big show is here in Texas.
Um...OK...I won't.
Instead of the Pretty Boy jumping over the top rope, I'll take Terry and Bowen playing musical elbows over 48 minutes.
Musical elbows? Musical elbows!? C'mon Cedric, don't go all Scoop on me and start making random shit up.
There's more, but I think you get the point. This is just a prelude for the main event anyway.
Let's take a quick look at Kirk Bohls's piece. It's actually essentially fine (as is Cedric's, if I'm being honest), but I have one thing I need to draw your attention to. The article is about a bunch of baseball legends meeting to celebrate the game in Texas.
In the midst of sordid accusations and angry headlines and dark Congressional hearings that threaten to spoil a once proud sport, the game's national pastime was rediscovered — if only for 80 minutes. Five distinguished guests who have played the game, managed the game, broadcast the game and directed the game spent a chilly Monday night extolling baseball's virtues in the George Bush Presidential Library on the Texas A&M campus.
Sounds good. Who was there?
Joe Morgan, introduced to the game by a father who played baseball,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Anyone but him!!!!
And seriously, if you think Joe wasn't up to his old tricks, think a-fucking-gain...
Morgan disputed the history of the first home run ever hit in the Astrodome.
Of course he did.
Sure, Mantle was credited with hitting the first one in the first game played indoors, but the Hall of Fame second baseman claimed he had hit one the day before in an Astros exhibition against the Triple-A club.
Damn you Joe. Damn you to hell, where I imagine you can meet up with Mickey Mantle and explain why you're cramping his buzz. Which, from what I've heard, was a pretty substantial buzz, as far as these things go.
"I lit up the scoreboard and the bull and all that stuff," Morgan said. "But who's Joe Morgan? They didn't even know if I was going to stay up the whole year."
Don't tease me with what might have been. Last I checked, they don't pay failed prospects big bucks to talk idiotically about baseball. Nope, they pay failed prospects big bucks to destroy baseball and write books about it.
Now, here comes the fun part. For whatever reason, the good folks at The Austin American-Statesman thought it would be good to sit Cedric and Kirk in front of a gray wall and have them talk sports topics for a minute. They call it the Longhorn Minute, and it's basically the ultra-low-rent, local version of Pardon the Interruption, which as you can imagine makes me just unspeakably happy.
I wish I could embed it for your viewing pleasure, but after days of trying, I have to say those crafty webmasters at the Austin American-Statesman have outmaneuvered me. Wouldn't be the first time. Anyway, here's the link; I'll provide a transcript in case when you're reading this ten years from now they've taken it down. Because I know that's going to be all the rage in 2018.
The topic is Roger Clemens. Kirk and Cedric, the floor is yours.
Kirk: Cedric, Congress has said that they may pursue perjury charges against, uh, Roger Clemens after his testimony before that, uh, what's it, Oversight and Reform committee...
Technically Oversight and Government Reform, but it's not as though I would have done any better.
Cedric: Mm hmm.
Good contribution, Cedric. Way to maximize your minute. LONG...HORN!!!
Kirk: Do you think we'll ever see Roger Clemens behind bars?
For the record, a show where Roger Clemens is a bartender and wacky hijinks ensue would be kinda awesome. Mostly shitty as all fuck, but also kinda awesome. Much like Highlander:
Look, if I can't embed the actual video, I'm going to embed something. Also, you're welcome.
Cedric: No way, I just, I don't see Roger Clemens going to jail...
That's incisive legal analysis if ever I heard it. I'm sure our resident law student Djmmm would second the soundness of that opinion. Who can forget Pierce Butler's brilliant summation of the landmark 1924 Supreme Court case United States v. Ninety-Five Barrels Alleged Apple Cider Vinegar, where he wrote, "I just don't see that apple cider vinegar is labeled correctly when that vinegar is made from dried apples." Also, what the fuck was the Supreme Court doing in the 1920s? Fucking Taft, man. Worst Chief Justice ever. Yes, even worse than Morrison Waite.
Kirk: Not enough evidence?
Yes Kirk, I bet that's exactly Cedric's reason why Clemens probably won't go to jail. Man, I just love Texan naivete.
Cedric: Uh, I don't know, I just don't see him going to jail. I see him maybe getting sanctioned or, or paying some huge fine but, um, Roger Clemens in jail? I don't see it.
I was actually kinda shocked to discover you apparently can be fined for perjury. I really figured that was bullshit reasoning, but it seems to check out. Although if Djmmm can correct this, I'd certainly like to call Cedric an idiot.
Kirk: Well, I mean, you know, different cases obviously, but we've seen other African-American athletes,
Roger Clemens is African-American?
Michael Vick, Marion Jones, get prison sentences.
Look, I think Michael Vick got excoriated way more than he necessarily deserved because, you know, puppies are cute and he electrocuted them. Sure, that's heinous as all shit, but he sort of became a dumping ground for a lot of other animosity. But dude, torturing puppies when all your friends have decided to take deals and become witnesses against you is slightly different from perjuring yourself in front of Congress, even when all the evidence is definitely going against you. I'm not saying one is more serious than the other, just that "different cases" doesn't really begin to describe how different they are.
Although Marion Jones, yes, that's a good example. Can't really argue that one.
Cedric: Mm hmm.
Cedric...you OK over there?
Kirk: Different cases obviously... different set of circumstances.
Again, as far as Vick goes, "different" is just a teeny weeny bit of an understatement. Just a tad.
Cedric: Yes, yes.
Cedric, I know Kirk is manly in the way only a man who kills his own food can be and has a great sexy Southern drawl and just rocks a button-down shirt like all get out...but seriously, dude, restrain yourself. This is a kid's blog.
(NOTE: If you are a kid, you should probably leave this blog right now. Or at least not tell your parents where you learned all these...well, I'm going to go Star Trek IV here and call them "colorful metaphors.")
Kirk: Do you see any racial overtones in this possibility?
This is an unbelievably loaded question. I'm shocked Stephen A. didn't sense this question through the ether and call in with his thoughts. But Cedric Golden is not Stephen A. Smith. Hell, Cedric Golden might actually be the most sensible sportswriter on this issue I've ever heard. Let's go...
Cedric: I see some racial overtones if Barry Bonds ends up going to jail because both these guys came in around the same time, they both allegedly used performance-enhancers around or after 1998 and there's, uh, a lot of, um, uh, scrutiny that goes along with both.
That seems fair. Speaking of fair, I'm probably being a total dick by putting in all their verbal fillers like that, but I want you to really feel like you're there. And by "there", I mean "watching a tiny video on your computer screen."
I think they're the same type of athlete
I think you'll actually find one's a pitcher...AND THE OTHER'S A BELLY-ITCHER!!! Chortle, chortle, ha ha ha!!! Man...I gotta write jokes like I'm twelve more often.
and they had the similar type of performances at when the steroid era started. So, uh, if Roger Clemens doesn't go to jail and Barry Bonds does, that's gonna open up a can of worms and the race card will be played.
Cedric, I hate to break this to you because you're clearly the most sensible sportswriter in America - seriously, I'm not fucking joking - and you just expect everyone to be as calm and rational about this as you, but the race card has been played. And that was just from quickly checking one blog and keeping it pretty much to just Jemele Hill. I didn't even go looking for Stephen A.'s, Whitlock's, Scoop's, or Wilbon's thoughts on this.
Kirk: Maybe if he does get convicted maybe, uh, President Barack Obama appeals him and heals the nation's wounds. I don't know, it would be interesting to see.
First of all, don't get my hopes up like that Kirk. Second of all, "appeals him"? I know "appeal" and "pardon" look really similar, in that they both have a "p" and an "a" in them ("appeal" has two of each!!), but they're not really the same words...at all. At least it's legalish, I guess. Although how the fuck pardoning Barry Bonds would heal the nation's wounds is anybody's guess.
Also, is Kirk trying to suggest hypothetical President Obama would pardon Barry Bonds because they're both black? Is that how casual racism works in Texas? Maybe he's just clumsily trying to make a joke about Obama being about "hope" and "change" and so forth. In which case...Kirk, I think you should leave the jokes to other people. I mean, dude, the writer's strike is over. It's OK to have people write your gags again.
Cedric: We'll cross that river when we get to it.
At this point Cedric grins insanely, which I really hope means he's intensely debating whether he needs to kick Kirk's ass. Apparently he didn't, as they're back the next week, this time discussing who other than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are Hall of Fame quarterbacks. As Larry B over at FireJay pointed out, these types of discussions are stupid. This is very true. I'll leave you to savor it yourselves, but here are three final thoughts...
1. Note that Kirk and Cedric are dressed almost exactly the same.
2. The use of random AP photos in The Longhorn Minute is just incredible. Every randomly inserted photo is proof that there's some failed film school student editing that somewhere, cursing that he isn't even editing a minute-long discussion of later Ozu.
3. Apparently Carson Palmer is the closest they can come up with for another HOFer. Even though I think I agree, that pretty much underlines how inane this discussion is. Also, unworthy as he definitely is, I can't help but think Kurt Warner dies a little more inside whenever he hears this discussion, wondering what might have been if only it was his team that taped their opponents' walkthrough before Super Bowl XXXVI.
Yes, that's right, fuck the Patriots. Even in Texas, that's true. Either way, I'm back, people, with a regular posting schedule that I'll try to keep to way better than last week. I just hope Ray Ratto has some shit to say this week. Because that fucker's always gold.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Someone at ESPN needs to be shot...
We're totally cool with Satire here at Fire Everybody! We love the Onion, Cracked, and Gulliver's Travels (we're well-read bloggers; what do you think we do when we're not blogging and sick in bed because of all the mold in this here basement? That's right, we read Jonathan Swift.)
Having said that, news sources that try to pass themselves off as credible should not be indulging in satire. Like this unfunny piece of shit.
Yes, I know, it's Page 2, and yes, I know, ESPN traded its credibility to some Saigon whore for a handjob years ago, but c'mon.
Much as I'm annoyed by this article, it does beg the question-- would ANYONE be surprised to read the exact same text under Wojciechowski or some other ESPN-tard's name? I mean didn't we just lampoon virtually the same article here a few days ago?
This isn't clever, funny, and really it isn't even satire. I wish in this modern age of the internet for a term to describe just this kind of assholish writing.
Having said that, news sources that try to pass themselves off as credible should not be indulging in satire. Like this unfunny piece of shit.
Yes, I know, it's Page 2, and yes, I know, ESPN traded its credibility to some Saigon whore for a handjob years ago, but c'mon.
Much as I'm annoyed by this article, it does beg the question-- would ANYONE be surprised to read the exact same text under Wojciechowski or some other ESPN-tard's name? I mean didn't we just lampoon virtually the same article here a few days ago?
This isn't clever, funny, and really it isn't even satire. I wish in this modern age of the internet for a term to describe just this kind of assholish writing.
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