52 52 52 Week #24: Wisconsin

In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.

I find myself in a Central American internet cafe, using a weird computer with half the keys in the wrong position. Yeah...this post is going to be fun.

This week we’ve got Wisconsin and its 1951-foot tall highpoint, Timms Hill. You know, I’ve gone skiing in Wisconsin. It’s fucking depressing that I didn’t even go as high as Timms fucking Hill. Oh well, know these three things and be merry...

1. It’s got a lookout tower.

2. It’s less than a mile from Highway 86. No, seriously, that’s how fine I’ve got to cut these facts up to get to three. Timms Hill is not interesting. At all.

3. Wait, here’s something interesting: "Originally, Rib Mountain was thought to be the highest point in Wisconsin. However, this was later proved to be incorrect." But however did they manage that? The suspense (or possibly the boredom) is killing me! "While Timms Hill has the highest elevation in the state, Rib Mountain has the largest height differential from the surrounding landscape." Nope, sorry, the fork’s already in my eye.

I thought I might try something a little different by, for the first time in 52 52 52’s surprisingly long-ish history, revisiting an old friend. That’s right, it’s Jeff Sherman from On Milwaukee, who we met way back in this post. So all his diehard fans who keep emailing me for his return can finally shut up. I never thought it’d happen. Anyway, Jeff, your topic is something or other. Take it away.

The latest in Milwaukee's ever-changing restaurant news is that Yanni's Steaks, Chops and Seafood, 540 E. Mason St., has closed, though this rumor has been floated constantly since I wrote about it last September.

Huh...that’s an...odd...thing for a sportswriter to discuss. Although good job on the background research. I like it.

The rumor appears true this time, as numerous calls have not been returned and today the voicemail at the Downtown dining destination is full.

But how can you know for sure? Shouldn’t somebody go there and, like, peek in the windows or something?

Peeks into the windows of the once highly rated restaurant both last night and this morning make it, indeed, appear closed.

Jeff Sherman is officially owning my ass. I am surprisingly OK with this. Still, where’s the sports?

Several area workers and business owners also have said it's closed. The Web design company that Yanni's used couldn't confirm the closing, but Yannismilwaukee.com remains live although its opentable link is down.

I think we all remember that nugget of restauranteur wisdom: "As goes your opentable link, so goes your restaurant." And, with it, the nation. Or so I’ve heard.

That's not official word, but don't bank on Yanni's for lunch or dinner since the doors are locked and voice mail is unattended.

You know, I’ve never even heard of this place until right this second, but I’m still weeping a little bit. Or maybe that’s because it’s been three fucking weeks and I still haven’t seen The Dark Knight. Oh, the pain!

Just this week, most locations of the national restaurant chains of Bennigan's and Steak & Ale abruptly closed and filed for bankruptcy. It's rumored (again, there are always rumors) that a few other Milwaukee area restaurants plan to close their doors in the coming weeks.

I never thought I’d ever say this, but...Wisconsinites need to start eating more. How else will we preserve all those good Bennigan’s franchises?

Got news or buzz about the Milwaukee area dining scene? Use the OnMilwaukee.com Talkbacks.

You know, I get the sense that maybe this dude doesn’t write about sports. Maybe, and this is just a theory, his primary focus is the Milwaukee dining scene and he, you know, just happened to one time write about something sports-related.

Still, aren’t you just glad I managed an entire Wisconsin-sports-related post and didn’t once mention Brett fucking Favre? You’re welcome.

Building on the work of two superior blogs (also Bill Simmons)

I guess it's unofficially become Bill Simmons week here at Fire Everybody! Hell, I have to think it's totally within my power to make it officially Bill Simmons week, so...why the hell not? Welcome to Bill Simmons week here at Fire Everybody!

Larry B over at FireJay has just written an excellent post about Bill's latest silliness, which centers on two things: his bizarre, painfully unfunny "joke" pursuit of the Milwaukee Bucks GM job and his woeful ignorance of college basketball. Since I'm also totally clueless when it comes to college basketball (Stanford has a basketball team? Why was I not informed?), I'm just going to stick with the Bucks thing. My main interest really just pertains to this random post I came across by this guy called Jeff Sherman, a staff writer at On Milwaukee, which bills itself as "Milwaukee's Daily Magazine." So yeah, maybe the guy has some relevant stuff to say...

The Milwaukee Bucks need a general manager. ESPN columnist Bill Simmons wants the job. Is he the most qualified? No.

I like this guy already.

Is he a passionate NBA fan? Yes.

If by "NBA" you mean "Celtics", then yeah, I guess. Also acceptable: if by "fan", you mean "insane conspiracy theorist." Seriously, I'll never get tired of linking to that interview where he asked David Stern about freezing the envelope in 1985 and so forth.

Would it hurt for team owner U.S. Sen. Herb Kohl to, at the very least, fly the guy to Milwaukee for an interview? No.

I guess not. I also don't really see how it's going to help the Bucks, particularly. Considering what Andrew Bogut has been reduced to, I'm not sure now is the best time for a publicity stunt that would do little beyond cement the Bucks as the league's laughingstock. (For the record, the Heat are the league's Greek tragedy.)

Heck, I'll buy the ticket. I could use the Midwest Airlines miles. Consider that an offer, Senator.

I'm not totally sure that offer is, to quote Arnold in Jingle All The Way, kosher, as the Midwest Miles membership guide explicitly states, "Pooling of mileage or use of a single account for different individuals is not permitted." I know, I know, I really need to get out more. But still, at least I live in an age where doing something that pathetic only takes about thirty seconds.

Simmons has been relentless with his campaign to become the next Bucks GM. And, as a passionate Bucks fan and season ticket holder for years, I say why not give him an interview?

This is a team that needs buzz, moxy and more national exposure. Bring in Bill!

I think you'll find that it's actually J-Bug who brings most of the buzz. Hench is responsible for the moxie, of course (yeah, pretty sure it isn't "moxy" with a y - and yes, I realize this is the most pedantic thing ever written). Oh, and national exposure? Mostly Adam Carolla. I'm kidding, of course: it's completely Jimmy Kimmel. I'm pretty sure Adam Carolla's career currently consists of thinking up ways to "jokingly" suggest a three-way to Jimmy without it getting weird again. I can't even begin to imagine how pissed he was that he didn't even get asked to be in what became that "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" video. I mean, "I'm Fucking Adam Carolla" is just as good, right? RIGHT!?

Anyway, my point is that if you want all that, you can't just hire Bill Simmons. You've got to hire the Bill Simmons Management Team, sometimes known as his buddies and those two quasi-celebrities he constantly name-drops.

Simmons makes more solid points in his espn.com column this week. And, he closes it writing, "... since the Bucks refuse to acknowledge my candidacy, it looks like I'm going to have to shift to Plan B: Openly and frequently torturing them. Stay tuned."

To Simmons, I say, bring it on and to Sen. Kohl, I say, give the guy an interview.

Am I wrong to think it's just a little weird that a Milwaukee writer is apparently inviting a national sportswriter to start "openly and frequently torturing" his team? Is that really the call to arms Jeff Sherman should be ending with?

And yeah, that is the entire post. It's short, and nothing special. What is special are all his recent posts, which maybe suggest what his more usual beat is...

Recent blogs/briefs by Jeff Sherman

Stuff your face with all-you-can-eat Bucks seats: For $30, the Milwaukee Bucks will stuff your face with all-you-can-eat hot dogs, soda, ...

Cornby’s is coming, that’s all I know: Cornby's is opening soon. Looks like sandwiches and more at former Arby's spot.

High School March Madness comes to Milwaukee: The McDonald’s All American Games are in town to heat up the hoops hysteria.

[Note: They're the McDonald's All American Games, so it counts as part of the larger theme.]

Straight talk on how to best bake your Palermo’s pizza: To coincide with our report on Palermo's pizza today, here is some talk on how to best ...

Downtown Milwaukee needs a Kopp’s: Who is with me? Downtown Milwaukee needs a Kopp's Frozen Custard.

I'm with you, Jeff. Downtown Milwaukee certainly does need a Kopp's Frozen Custard.

You know, there's a certain tag made famous by the Fire Joe Morgan guys that I can't help but find appropriate here. Of course, I don't want to plagiarize, so maybe I should just think of something else...