52 52 52 Week #29: Illinois

In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I can't help but find this whole 52 52 52 endeavor remarkably similar to the video below...



Although, to be fair, I grunt way more than that. I'm talking female tennis player levels of gruntitude. What can I say? I'm a loud worker.

I'm also from Illinois (and, by that, I mean I lived there for the first eight years of my life I actually remember), which makes today's entry rather near and dear to my heart. So let's do our best and give a shout out to everybody's favorite 1325-foot highpoint, Charles Mound:

1. It's described as a "gentle" slope. Why are all our nation's highpoints so damn uninspiring?

2. It's "within the Driftless Area, a region of Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota, and Wisconsin, centering on Dubuque, Iowa, that was not covered or ground down by the last continental glaciers." I don't know how interesting that is, but "the Driftless Area" sounds rather badass. Kinda mystical or something. Not really sure. I probably am reading too much Lord of the Rings. By which I of course mean any amount of Lord of the Rings.

3. A couple called the Wuebbels own the land, and they only let people on it four times a year due to theft concerns. That might sound reasonable, but I feel likely this is just part of a larger anti-whippersnapper agenda. Possibly also an expansion of the "get off my lawn" mantra. I'm not sure. Incidentally, I have no reason to assume the Wuebbels are old. I am, in fact, an asshole.

Now, since we're talking Illinois, I really feel I've got to go straight to the source of Illinois's greatest journalistic talent, one Mr. William "F. Buckley" Leitch. That's right people, we're off to Mattoon! Woot! Let's see the sort of sterling journalism that inspired the world's greatest emeritus sports blogger. Journal Gazette scribe Brian Nielsen, the floor is yours. Hit me with your best shot!

Some good signs are there for EIU's offense

Knowing Leitch, I bet this is going to involve breasts. Or some form of pep talk from Ron Zook. I also can't rule out the Arizona Cardinals being involved in some capacity. Maybe the spirit of Barbaro and/or Isaiah Thomas's career? Let's find out together!

Passing the 1,000-yard rushing mark in his career, Travorus Bess might just be showing Eastern Illinois fans he can be the feature running back.

Oh, a running back. How blase. How bland. How old media. How...actual. Frankly, I would have expected something far less relevant.

“I don’t think that was ever a question,” Bess said after running for 183 yards in Eastern’s 47-21 loss at Illinois Saturday. “For some reason, I’ve just seem to always be injured.”

If I may take a moment from pretending to be amazed the Journal Gazette of Mattoon doesn't precisely mimic Will Leitch's writing style, I really need to parse that quote. To whit...

1. If Mr. Bess is, as he puts it, always injured, isn't that precisely why there's a question whether he can be a featured back?

2. Get out your [sic]'s, people, because that second sentence is on the syntactical warpath. Even if I look past the split infinitive, which is something I choose to gladly do (META ALERT!!!), there's still the whole "I've just seem" bit, which can be simplified to "I have seem." Ooh boy. That tense construction ain't right.

3. I guess that's it really. I just really don't like bad grammar.

Just think when the Panthers have Florida transfer Chevon Walker to go with him in a couple of weeks.

Yeah, just think! Tell me more, Brian Nielsen!

Still, Eastern shows reasons for concerns.

And...that's the article. That was it. All four or five (depending on how you chop up the quote) sentences of it.

Yes...I think I can see why Leitch might have left. Although I do feel pretty proud of myself for getting through an entire column like that. I'm a regular reading rainbow, I am. Hmm...

See Brian Nielsen’s column in Monday’s JG/T-C.

Sir, you just gained yourself a reader!

Is this a post? A comment? Truly, only God can know for sure.

While I was furiously masturbating with cat faeces to pictures of your dead grand-aunt (am I right, guys? Hey? Hey?) this little establishment here became, like, a blog. Djmmm and Archie have done all sorts of new spicy things far from the realm of "Look! Jon Heyman thinks Schmo Bimbley and his .237 Eqa are valuable! Chortle." I'm not totally ready to make that full-blown leap, so consider this some sort of transition.

Catching up on Leitch's last day at Deadspin, I just read the back-and-forth with Bissinger. I thought the game of '"[Leitch] Don't you feel FOOLISH for how you acted?! Aren't you MORTIFIED?" "[Buzz] Well actually countless smart people agree with me so I'll be okay."' was kind of lame on both sides. I will narrowly avoid Archie's wrath by stating that, of course, Leitch came out ahead. One thing in particular bothered me from Bissinger's last reply:

We just disagree on a lot of fundamental things. Obviously, the biggest is that
sports should not be treated with seriousness. I think Friday Night Lights
proves the point of just how serious sports is in our culture.

You sure, Buzz? Are you sure it wasn't the overwhelming feeling of "Holy crap, look at how seriously those hicks take football!" that made the story compelling? If every reader of the book lived only to watch his favourite team, to the extent that people in west Texas did, the book wouldn't have mattered. It was interesting because high school football was all those people had, and that sort of rabid fanaticism isn't frequently seen. People don't take sports very seriously because, as Leitch said, it's just entertainment, really. What's more, that season was 20 years ago. As the epilogue to the version I read mentioned, people are a little less nuts about football now; Permian has a girls' soccer team and stuff. Even the craziest of the crazy have maybe come around a bit. So, no, Buzz, I don't think FNL showed how fucked up we all are over sports. Really, it emphasized how unimportant that stuff ultimately is to the large majority of people.

Anyway, I'm going to go brush my teeth with smegma and watch animal porn. Tits.

The New Original Column #1: How's about an introduction?

Finally making good on my promise of gimmicks as far as the eye can see, I am pleased to unveil that most original of premises, a column. It's just like what the MSM (not to mention Big Daddy Balls) do, but written by me. And since a random Spinal Tap reference was the best I could come up with for a title, you can rest assured that I'll be trying again next week. I just felt "It's a column, stupid!" was a little much.

Because the world in sports is so busy today, what with the blogosphere still reeling at the news of Mayo-for-Love Will Leitch's departure, I'll keep this pretty short. Hell, I'm not sure how much longer this will be than the italicized intro thingy up top, but what the hey?

Basically, I generally try my best to avoid discussing actual sports on this blog. This is because, if I can get my Socrates on for a second here, the only thing I know about sports is that I know nothing. I refuse to claim there are very many absolute truths in a sports world where...

1. In the last decade, an 83-win team won the World Series while a 116-win team couldn't even push the ALCS to game six.

2. The Boston Celtics had more of a challenge finishing off the Atlanta Hawks than the Los Angeles Lakers.

3. Eli Manning went from confused semi-bust to Super Bowl hero in less than a month.

4. Something weird about hockey, if only for symmetry's sake.

Now, obviously, the proper response here isn't to turn around and say "Sports is inexplicable, so let's start bullshitting!" That's the Way of the Plaschke, and I won't stand for it. There are no end of valid, interesting ways to interact with sports, and I probably don't need to bore you with a list delineating all of them. (And since I'm trying to actually follow my new "no navel-gazing" rule, I don't really want to get into what would essentially be plugs for a bunch of great sites that don't really need the Micklewhite Boost*.)

*The Micklewhite Boost is a proud rip-off of the Colbert Bump.

There's plenty of stuff to talk about in the world of sports and, frankly, I've got more than enough time on my hands to do it. I'll start in earnest next week, but right now I think I'm just going to make the most of Mr. Leitch's last day in the blogosphere. Well, until he comes back, anyway. Departures are never quite as final as they used to be, you know.

No more navel-gazing! (Well, just this one last time)...

Will Leitch has written a truly excellent (and uncharacteristically ornery) post over at Deadspin about an LA Times article that basically claimed, thanks to some choice quotes from The Big Lead's Jason MacIntyre, Pro Football Talk's Mike Florio, and Deadspin's own A.J. Daulerio, that the wild days in the sports blogosphere are giving way to some newfound respectability. Leitch, in so many words, called this a pile of horseshit. He even used the word "fuck" and everything, which for him is relatively remarkable. And you know what?

Leitch's right. Psychotic...but absolutely right. We got to take these bastards. We could fight them with conventional weapons. That could take years, cost millions of lives. In this case, I think we have to go all out. I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

(Thanks Animal House!)

Unfortunately, since I can't come up with an appropriately futile and stupid gesture (fire-bombing is still technically illegal, right?), I'll just do this - from now on, fuck the whole MSM/blogosphere thing. It's done, it's played out, it always was played out, and I'm not touching it anymore. I believe Matt Ufford said it best in his usual elegant, non-inflammatory prose:

You people are fucking gay.

I believe that's actually a quote from Henry VI, but whatever. Point is, this self-indulgent self-dissection shit has to stop. And I'm just the sort of worthless peon to do it.

But just before I do that, I have to point out one thing from the article that amused me no end:

"It's almost like the difference between Eddie Murphy and Bill Cosby," Florio said. "Can you still be funny without cursing?"

I won't belabor the point too much, but if Eddie Murphy and Bill Cosby are Florio's barometer of "edgy" vs. "safe" comedy, what year must he be living in? 1986? Because if Eddie Murphy has proven one thing, it's that he can't be funny without cursing. Not at fucking all. Although that movie about the tranny was pretty funny.

Wait, what?

That kinda sucks...

Some sad news over at Deadspin. Will Leitch is stepping down as editor after just under three years editing Buzz Bissinger's favorite website (well, other than the Drudge Report).

I'll refrain from waxing lyrical here because (A) I'm not very good at that sort of stuff and (B) I'm sure you can readily find that stuff elsewhere. Suffice it to say, whatever gets said about A.J. Daulerio, Leitch will always be the balls as far as I'm concerned. So thanks, congratulations, and best of luck to one of the greats.

You know, what with all the unmaskings, departures, and public tongue-lashings, I can't shake the feeling that the sports blogosphere is sailing into uncertain waters (no, even I didn't know that was about to become a nautical metaphor). Could this be the blogger Final Crisis we've all been hearing so much about?



You know, it's surprisingly difficult to write in MS Paint. Actually, it was pretty much exactly as difficult as I expected.

Please DON'T fire Will Leitch...

Passive Voice - or Passive, as his mother calls him - and I headed down to the Boston leg of Will Leitch's book tour for God Save the Fan. Since in our civilian lives we work at our student radio station, I had read with interest the following section of Will's FAQ for the book that he posted back in January:

I am a professional media reporter. I would like to "interview" you about the book, and by "interview," I mean, "call you an asshole." How can I do this?

Interpreting "professional media reporter" incredibly loosely, I somehow conned the very nice people at Harper Collins into letting me interview Will for a whole thirty minutes. Here's the link to our sports department's blog that has the interview, in case you're interested - it's also got interviews with Pat Forde, Dak from Fire Joe Morgan, and (for some reason even I don't understand) Dolph "Ivan Drago" Lundgren. I'll also put the links at the end of this post.

Anyway, I thought I might pretend I'm more than just an angry blowhard by filing this report on the book tour! Complete with pictures! Almost none of which were taken during the event itself!

First of all, the event was at the Boston University Barnes & Noble, whose previous author events have apparently included:
1. Gene Wilder's autobiography
2. A Wolfgang Puck cookbook
3. The expanded universe novel Star Wars Darth Bane Path of Destruction: A Novel of the Old Republic (their title, not mine). Author Drew Karpyshyn recommended on the book's poster that I "embrace the dark side." Will do, Drew, will do. Also, until further notice, I'm assuming KSK demigod Big Daddy Drew is Star Wars expanded universe author Drew Karpyshyn. I'm also assuming Christmas Ape is Wolfgang Puck and Flubby is Gene Wilder.
4. TV's Detective Munch himself, Richard Belzer, who I can only assume was promoting the book Law and Order: SVU - Complete Season Three DVD Boxset.
5. Much more worryingly, Dan Shaughnessy and Mike Lupica have also been through here.

Lupica's message was especially inspiring: "Barnes & Noble, thanks for the use of the hall. Mike Lupica." It's that sort of class that has made the man number one, people.

The event itself went well, and in the interest of not wasting too much more of your time I will condense the narrative into a few notes and highlights. Is that bad journalism? I wish I knew.

- Will blasted the myth that it's difficult to get a Deadspin commenting account, which basically means the fact that I went to the trouble of interviewing him for thirty minutes just to get a commenting account is pretty much the lamest thing I've ever done. And believe me, there's plenty of competition for that title.

- When asked whether he'd met any of his fellow bloggers, Will mentioned he had only met the Mighty MJD for the first time relatively recently, and he was exactly like what Will expected to the point that he recognized the man, who he had never seen before, in a crowded room. I don't know quite what that means, but I'd like to think "exactly what I expected" means held in the loving embrace of Muff Stubble Girl.

- Will Leitch does a dynamite southern accent, as was seen during his dramatic interpretation of the John Rocker interview. Seriously, it made him sound 20% manlier, 30% more charismatic, and 70% more likely to kick my disrespectful ass. Is a southern accent Will Leitch's personal Enzyte?



That southern twang was definitely enhancing that particular male, though I'm dubious whether it's all natural.

- The dude portraying Will in the Rocker reenactment was wearing a shirt, tie, and pants ensemble (sorry, I'm way too uncouth to have the more precise term for that...business casual, maybe?), which I think made him the best-dressed dude there. He hurt that image a little by wearing a "Free Will" hat, which I thought might have something to do with the whole ESPN blackballing thing until I noticed Shakespeare's picture between the words. So unless the Bard of Avon has started writing the hawking and jousting closers, I don't think it had anything to do with Deadspin. But I've been wrong before.

- Will added a footnote to a footnote when he elaborated on this gem from the Rocker interview: "My interviewing tactic mostly involves plying my subject with alcohol. Don't laugh: This is exactly how Seymour Hersh does it." Ever the pop culture maven, Will substituted in Mike Wallace for Hersh and noted, "Just like with Roger Clemens!" This of course ignores that, much like Captain America, it is now chemically impossible to get Clemens drunk. Also, just like Captain America, Clemens was recently publicly ambushed and assassinated while being brought to a hearing. If this doesn't capture exactly what just happened to the Rocket, I don't know what does.

- Apparently pretty much every fan of the site Will has met over the years has been totally normal, except for one guy who was a little on the weird side. It seems the key to unnerving Will Leitch is to quickly repeat Deadspin catchphrases at him, as the fan's weirdness took the form of sidling up to him and mumbling bon mots like "You're with me, Leather!" and "Carl Monday watches you masturbate!" To be fair, the dude was Martin Lawrence, so perhaps it's understandable.

- Speaking of strange little creeps, Supermike was, as far as we can tell, not there, as someone at one point piped up and asked, "Is Supermike here?" Tragically, there was no response. To be fair, The Tin Star was on Turner Classic Movies at 6:15, and if there's one thing we definitely know about Supermike, it's that he really appreciates his late-era Anthony Mann.

- I'm going to break this story now: Will Leitch and Boston Legal star Candice Bergen James Spader are the same person. I've suspected this for awhile due to their shocking physical resemblance - they both are male, have hair, and sorta smirk in some pictures I've seen - you know, the works. Take a look...





C'mon, this explains everything. His constant references to co-star William Shatner, his lingering sexual tension with Maggie Gyllenhaal, the fact that I have complicated man-crushes towards two men when really I should only be capable of one, his awkwardness in situations with Peter Gallagher and Andie MacDowell, the fact that you've never, ever seen them in the same room together...you know, everything! The Pulitzer committee knows where to find me when they're ready to recognize this. You too, Nobel.

- Finally, it was time for Will to sign our books. I asked him to personalize it with the only quote I could think of that was appropriate. He very kindly appended it to his own apology for being a boring interview (which he isn't) and totally justified shot at Dolph Lundgren (I want to start a feud)...



I don't want to call out Will for not knowing every line ever written from The Simpsons, but he didn't immediately recognize the origin of "Keep reaching for that rainbow." You can't begin to imagine how proud I am that Will Leitch and I share a private joke that even he doesn't get.

And now, that interview...
Of Deadspin, God Save the Fan, and the book tour
Experts and student journalism
The jokes that are Ivy League and Big 10 basketball
I destroy any chance of ever interning at ESPN...thank goodness
Will utterly owns my ass in a round of Cubs-Cards taunting
A manifesto for sports fans
Dolph Lundgren and tequila are discussed, much happiness ensues
What is good sports journalism?