52 52 52 Week #15: West Virginia

In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.

Going to have to be honest here, folks - West Virginia is not my favorite state right now. Much as my favorite college (that I don't actually, you know, attend) keeps raiding the place for coaches, I'm a little ticked at the Mountain State...

(Wait a damn minute...that's really West Virginia's nickname? Really? Because, you know, there are other states with proper mountains and everything. Out West, mostly. I mean, I know their team is the Mountaineers, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, exactly, but seriously? Well, OK, moving on then.)

...and the big reason why I'm pissed is this probably at least a little out-of-context clip I saw on The Daily Show. Look, I'm a freedom-loving guy; I don't care who you vote for (except those LaRouche assholes, of course) but for the love of all that's good and true about humanity come up with a better reason than this:



Hopefully West Virginia can rehabilitate itself with a cool highpoint and some good local journalism. We'll start with Spruce Knob, which stands at the I-guess-that's-sort-of-a-mountain height of 4861 feet. Hit me with your best shot, Spruce Knob...

1. Wikipedia claims "its summit has a definite alpine feel", explaining: "The upper few hundred feet of the mountain are covered in a dense spruce forest, a relict boreal forest environment similar to forests found in northern New England and Canada." Like New England and Canada, eh? I think we just found out who voted for Obama in the West Virginia primary.

2. It's called "Spruce Knob" because of that dense spruce forest Wikipedia won't shut up about, and "knob" is just the term used in the southern Appalachians for the highest point on a ridge. So apparently it wasn't called "knob" as part of some elaborate dick joke. Wait, Wikipedia says a synonym for "knob" is "dome." Dome? Oh you southern Appalachian folks and your infantile sex humor. You'll win me back yet!

3. It was apparently the first place designated as a National Recreation Area, established back in 1965. Recreation in 1965, you say? More like procreation in 1969!!! Heh, heh...I'm so immature.

My thanks to Spruce Knob for really stepping up on the dick joke front - it's appreciated more than it can ever know (because it's, you know, inanimate and all).

Hey, you remember at the beginning of the post when I said this...

Much as my favorite college (that I don't actually, you know, attend) keeps raiding the place for coaches

Yeah, you remember that? I mean, it was only about fifteen sentences ago. Of course, I'm also trying to play to that whole Leonard Shelby from Memento crowd, so I try not to assume anything memory-wise. Anyway, the reason why I dredge that back up is I had no idea when I made passing reference to the whole Rich Rodriguez (and, to a much, much, much lesser extent, John Beilein) thing that that is still apparently the only thing West Virginian sports columnists have any interest in. Seriously...

From The Times West Virginian: "Rodriguez’s agent all about selling dreams"
From The Charleston Daily Mail: "Rodriguez's battle with WVU headed for mediation" (Technically from the AP, but they're running with it, so I'm counting it)
From The Charleston Gazette: "Deposition transcript? Now that is just Rich" (It's a pun! Get it?)

And those are just the ones I didn't need to work hard to find. Put it this way - big lawsuit going on or not, West Virginia is maybe just a little too interested in the trials and tribulations of the new general of the maize and blue. Or however you want to quasi-poetically describe the man. And Dave Poe (rather charmingly spelled "dave poe" in the byline) of the Parkersburg News and Sentinel has had enough...

Rich Rodriguez.

That would be his name, yes. That'd be the opening paragraph, by the way. An impressive start, I'd say.

He’s been gone from the Mountain State sports scene for nearly six months, but his name still evokes more emotion with West Virginia University sports fans than any other.

The rest of the nation doesn’t understand that. Their view is the Mountaineer football coach left for a better job at Michigan and that WVU fans should get over it.

Not exactly. Maybe I'm just trying to be an ultra-sensitive and understanding Michigan fan, but I'd say that Rodriguez left for a better job, the way he left stunk to high heaven, and it's fair that WVU fans were upset. Note the emphasis on "were" there. Yeah, it's probably time to get over it, considering they won the bowl game and Bill Stewart's a hero and everything is perfect and beautiful blah blah blah...

Life isn’t that simple, especially when millions of lives and dollars are involved.

I won't dispute millions of dollars, but if I may be a total ass (I may? Yay!)...

Population of West Virginia: 1,808,344

Even assuming everyone in West Virginia is a Mountaineers fan (and you know some of them are West Virginia State Marshall fans), I'm not sure a little under two million really justifies the use of "millions of lives." Particularly when you use something as melodramatic as "lives", which suggests this is a matter of life and death or something. I'll be honest - that was pretty nitpicky. But it gave me an excuse to do two things...

1) Look up the population of West Virginia
2) Find out about West Virginia State University and its nickname. Go Yellow Jackets!

What could be more fun? OK, lots of things, but I am a blogger. If I could even conceptualize sexual intercourse, I'd imagine I'd liken it to that.

Rodriguez had every right to pursue the job at Michigan or any other school. No rational human being will blame another for exploring other job opportunities.

And yet...that's pretty much what tons of WVU fans did. Oh, right, you said rational human beings. My mistake.

That isn’t the issue here.

Seriously, could have fooled me. Or am I thinking of Bobby Petrino?

The issue is that Rodriguez’s seven-year contract with WVU —to which the parties agreed last August just before the 2007 football season — called for a $4 million buyout should either party terminate the deal before it expired.

So it's just a money matter? Fine, I can see how things could get pretty ugly over four million, but don't you think it'd be a better use of everyone's time to just move on?

Rodriguez did that when he left for Michigan. But he didn’t pay WVU the $4 million it and every Mountaineer fan believes it is owed. Rather, he has taken the matter to court, where both sides are represented by high-powered attorneys.

By the way, this is a pretty big rehash, isn't it? I mean, I haven't been following Rodriguez at all (except of course on the all-important issue of whether he actually plans to have a quarterback on next year's Wolverine squad, or whether he'll be using the ol' high school direct snap to the running back routine), but I pretty much already know all these details. I figured from the headline "Rodriguez still front page news" that Mr. Poe (sorry...that should read mr. poe) might be tired of all this. But it sounds like he's just regurgitating all the old, worn out information just to fill up column space. Mr. Poe, I'm disappointed. Also, The Fall of the House of Usher is overrated. Somebody had to say it.

Those attorneys have been busy collecting evidence in the form of depositions. Every time there is a deposition taken from a party on either side, it is released to the public and immediately becomes big news in the Mountain State.

Again, Mountain State? Sorry to get hung up on this, but...really? Couldn't Colorado buy that nickname or something? Maybe work out a trade? I mean, they're the Centennial State, and that only makes sense because they became a state in 1876. Pshaw! West Virginia has just as much a claim to that nickname. Think of all the great things its 1863 statehood was the centennial of...

1) The end of the French and Indian War!
2) The end of the Seven Years' War! Wait, I'm being told those are the same war. Well, OK, how about...
3) The publication of Bayes' Theorem! That'll learn those northeastern liberazis that West Virginia's plenty learned! Just take a look at this beautiful theorem:

Doesn't that even sort of look like West Virginia? I mean, you've got to squint, of course.

In a week in which the state high school baseball tournament is being conducted, Ken Griffey Jr. is approaching 600 home runs and both Big Brown and Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton are pursuing elusive Triple Crowns, the name Rodriguez continues to dominate the sports page headlines.

Could we please, please have a column comparing Big Brown and Josh Hamilton? I nominate Plaschke. The sheer tension of comparisons that forced might make the Internet itself explode from the strain.

Big Brown was born to Boundary and Mien.

Josh Hamilton was born on the boundary of the Carolinas, which is probably near a mine.

Big Brown has ruled in his first five starts.

Josh Hamilton was selected by the Cubs in the rule five draft.

I'm pretty sure that, yes, I could do these all day. But all right, all right, I'll stop. Well, one more...

Big Brown has a crack on his foot.

Josh Hamilton did crack.

You bet your ass I'm proud of that one.

Why? It’s not that Rodriguez left. Basketball coach John Beilein left, also for Michigan, and he still has a good name in the Mountain State because he left honorably.

So it's the way in which he left? Well, OK, I guess, but I thought you said it was mostly about the money. Let me check...

The issue is that Rodriguez’s seven-year contract with WVU —to which the parties agreed last August just before the 2007 football season — called for a $4 million buyout should either party terminate the deal before it expired.

You did say it was about the money! Dave Poe, how will I ever be able to trust you ever again? You better start saving a whole lot of puppies from fires, I guess.

Because he didn’t tell potential recruits he was leaving before telling the members of his team. Because he didn’t try to get those recruits to follow him to Michigan. Because he met with the West Virginia press corps and explained why he was leaving.

Yes, Beilein left, but he left with class. Rodriguez didn’t.

How the hell is this still news? Also, for a paper this local, it seems really weird that this is pitched as a "the rest of the country just doesn't understand", considering this is pretty much only going to be read by WVU fans. OK, maybe that isn't really all that weird.

Rodriguez never will get back his good name with WVU fans, but he can end all the headlines and rancor simply by paying up. By honoring his contract.

Ah, I see what you did there. You conflated the whole "he left like an asshole" issue with the whole "he didn't pay up" thing. By the way, I love that this is basically phrased like a hostage demand - they will release the rancor when he gives them the money. Way to assert your power there. Speaking of the rancor...



If it seems like I'm leaning on a lot of random tangents to paper over the fact that this is sort of a weak post about a weak column...well, you would in no way not be not incorrect. Hey, who else loves quadruple negatives? And pizza!?

Pretty much right after all this, the column weirdly spins into this bizarre bit of formatting that makes the rest of it sort of look like a poem. I'll try to faithfully recapture this rather beautiful effect...

This case

appears as one-sided as a West Virginia-Marshall football

game. It is - to steal a basketball term - a slam dunk for

West Virginia.

Seriously, read that slowly in your most sage-like voice. Guarantee you that it'll sound like a haiku or some such. Because nothing says poetic like two homerish sports metaphors.

The news this week is that the presiding judge sent the

parties to a mediator to see if they can work out a deal.

Although WVU worked a deal with Beilein, reducing his

buyout, don’t look for that to happen here.

That's more of an iambic pentameter thing-a-ma-jig. Can I get a spell-check on that last one? Not sure I like where I put my hyphens.

Why? Public pressure. WVU’s supporters want $4 million and

not one penny less. If it were announced today that

Rodriguez had agreed to pay $3,995,000, many WVU fans would

be upset about the other $5,000.

Wow. Sounds like West Virginia fans are really hung up on Rich Rodriguez.

Yet, those same fans really have gotten over Rodriguez. Why?

OK, I'll bite. Why have they, in fact, totally and utterly gotten over the dude?

Because WVU has a new leader who already is more popular

than Rodriguez ever was. West Virginians love Bill Stewart

in a way they never loved Rodriguez.

There are a whole bunch of cheap shots I could make here - I mean it, the incorrigible asshole in me is never going to forgive me - but I'm just going to call bullshit and move on. That's about a big a memory rewrite as I've ever heard. But fine, West Virginia, you're welcome to your delusions if you want them.

The same can be said

for WVU’s players, who have embraced their new head coach

and his staff, which appears stronger than any staff

Rodriguez assembled in Morgantown.

Rodriguez can’t make all the ill will go away, but he can

get his name out of the news simply by paying WVU the money

it is owed.

Somehow - and call me crazy if you must - I'm not sure I believe you.

It's true what they say...

J.A. Adande is a total moron. Sorry, total fucking moron. Don't worry folks, my absence hasn't changed me one iota. Fuck damn hell ass iota. I believe you'll find that expression in the heliocentric writings of Aristarchus of Samos. Well, you would, if they had survived to the present day. But hey, who doesn't know his only extant work is On the Sizes and Distances of the Sun and Moon, which actually has a geocentric view? I mean, come ON!!!

OK, now that I've definitely established it's really me and I haven't been replaced by some other equally anonymous blogger, we can get to business, which is: J.A. Adande is a total moron.

For an award as subjective as most valuable player, sometimes you need to rely less on statistical analysis and more on visceral feelings.

Throw that one up on the "Dunderheaded Anti-Stats Sentiments" Mount Rushmore, right next to Dusty Baker talking about base clogging, Joe Morgan explaining he hasn't read Moneyball because you have to have played the game to be able to say anything about it, and Teddy Roosevelt. Turns out TR hated stats with a vengeance. You know the real reason he almost banned football back in the early 1900s? Too many of the owners were reading Football Outsiders, it turns out.

Seriously, to say the best way to deal with a subjective award is to ignore stats and rely purely on something like feelings...fuck, this is going to get worse before it gets better. And not just "feelings", mind you...fucking visceral feelings. I'm pretty sure Adande picked Hostel II for best picture. Kids still like Hostel II, right? I'm still hip, yes?

The numbers say LeBron James should be the NBA's MVP. The standard definition of the best player on the best team leads you to Kevin Garnett. But there are times when the MVP award is captured in a moment. And no one does moments like Kobe Bryant.

I took a look at the numbers on Basketball Reference, and pretty much every stat points towards LeBron. He has scored the most point, got the highest Player Efficiency Rating, and when you throw in his assists and rebounds, well...all stats point toward LeBron, is all I'm saying. I think there's possibly room for more than just stats in this discussion, particularly because there are way more statistical gray areas in a fluid sport like basketball than there are in baseball. Not large enough to throw out all existing data, but enough to go a little beyond the stats in determining the MVP, which is, as Adande points out, a tad subjective to begin with. OK, that's me being reasonable. Now here's me being unreasonable...

MOMENTS?! That's your MVP argument, Adande? You believe Kobe Bryant is the best player in the league based on what can literally be defined as infinitesimal bits of time? The smallest sample size imaginable? I mean, a player might only average two minutes a game, but all of those two minutes are crazy blocks, clutch threes, and highlight dunks. That guy might as well be called Pure Moment, Adande, but is he the MVP? Put it another way...is the bastard three-way child of Marcus Camby, Robert Horry, and Harold Miner the MVP? Didn't think so. Also, if any commenters would like to speculate on who or what such a child would be, do be my guest.

Harold Miner? Huh...what a dated reference.

He had two more of them Thursday night. Not the super-dramatic, clock-running-down, how-did-he-make-that-shot moments. Just the type of things MVPs do.

So these are moments that...aren't even really "moments" in the "this shit is exciting!" sense? They're just "moments" in the ultra-literal "time elapsed here" sense? Also, if you're so insistent that this is the stuff MVPs are made of - indeed, judging by the "just", you're arguing they're the foundation, the building blocks - shouldn't Kobe have had more than two of these apparently mundane MVP-ish moments in his game?

It started after a 3-pointer (and a free throw) by Deron Williams cut what had been a game-long cushy Los Angeles Lakers lead down to eight points with less than four minutes to go in the game.

I'm already memorizing this to tell it to my grandkids. I'm kidding, of course...there's no way in hell I'm ever procreating. And even if I did, I'm pretty sure the events of Children of Men would have kicked in by the time it came for my kids to spawn.

The Utah Jazz were playing zone defense. But either some of them didn't realize it or Kobe refused to acknowledge it, because you're not supposed to do what he did against a zone: He blew by his man in 3-point territory and got all the way to the basket for an uninterrupted dunk. (Too late, Andrei Kirilenko.)

So...he made a smart move and drove to the basket for a dunk? Good play and all - hell, maybe if I saw it, I'd upgrade it to "great"...but that's what makes Kobe an MVP? For goodness sake, Adande, if you're going to rely on anecdotal evidence, you should at least have the common decency to make it a good anecdote.

On the Jazz's next possession, they lost the ball and it wound up in Bryant's hands. These things have a way of happening to the best players, the same way the puck always seemed to find its way to Mario Lemieux's stick. Bryant started on a 3-on-1 fast break and pulled off a move straight from the old "Magic Johnson -- Always Showtime" video. Bryant jumped in the air, looked left at Sasha Vujacic, then dished the ball to Luke Walton on his right. Kirilenko spent the entire time with his back to the ball, without a clue as to what was going to happen next.

Oh those crazy, patehtic Europeans - why do they think they can be good at basketball? They should all go and play hockey...like putzes!!! Ha ha, casual xenophobia is the best.

Just like that, the ballgame was decided.

It doesn't even sound like the Lakers scored a point. Or are they giving a seventy-point bonus for "crazy no look passes to Bill Walton's kid" these days? Because sure, then the ballgame probably would be decided.

The MVP race isn't quite as finalized.

Most definitely not. There's the three you already mentioned - LeBron, Kobe, and KG - and a fourth that you damn well better mention. I'll give you a chance to do so, Adande, but you better explore the other major legitimate candidate before all this is through. (I'll give you a hint - second in PER, first in win shares, tied for first in assists per game, keeping his team right up there in one of the toughest conference races ever seen...)

I had been leaning toward LeBron and his 31 points, eight rebounds and seven assists per game. But then the Cleveland Cavaliers dropped back-to-back games to the New Jersey Nets and the Washington Wizards, putting a serious dent in their chances of getting 50 victories.

Dude, if two losses significantly affects your chances of getting to fifty wins...you probably weren't going to win fifty anyway.

Now they have to win 11 of their last 13 games to get to a mark every MVP has reached after Moses Malone won the award with a 46-36 Houston Rockets team in 1982. (That doesn't include Karl Malone in the lockout-shortened 1999 season.)

They would have had to win 9 of their last 13 if they'd won both games. Still a kinda tall order. But honestly, what the fuck is the difference between a 51-win team and a 49-win team? Also, have you considered Cleveland's roster? I'd mention their schedule, but obviously they play all their games in the CBA, which for some strange reason has exchanged all its teams this year with those in the Eastern Conference. At least, I assume that's why all the teams suck so much; I haven't really been paying attention. Point is, that is the dumbest reason imaginable for saying LeBron is no longer a legit MVP candidate.

Then again, the Cavs might be closer to 50 wins if they hadn't lost all six games James missed with injuries. With him in the lineup, they beat the Boston Celtics and Lakers twice, and the San Antonio Spurs and Detroit Pistons.

You also could just cut out the whole fifty win fixation and just realize that that stat, small sample size though it may be, suggests just how crucial or, you know, valuable LeBron is to the Cavaliers.

It's the old with-and-without argument. You know, the same one that was used against Garnett after the Celtics went 7-2 while he was injured. But that doesn't take into account the tone Garnett set for this team back during summer workouts or the 30-4 start that turned potential into reality. Or the sweep of the Texas teams the Celtics just completed. Boston has the best record in the league, and don't dismiss it as the luck of playing in the Eastern Conference. It actually has a higher winning percentage against the West than it does against the East.

So...um...should we be blaming LeBron for not instilling the right attitude in the Cavs to keep winning when he's not around? I'm just trying to keep track of which bit of bullshit basketball wisdom I should be buying into here.

But you know what's missing from Garnett's highlight package? The big shots. When you loop Celtics video, you see clutch jumpers by Ray Allen and new addition Sam Cassell. As a Celtic described it to me earlier in the season, Garnett is happy to let others do the scoring. That frees him to focus on defense and rebounding. There's value to that, too. Someone who values those things is valuable.

This is like one of those essays a high schooler writes when he's not sure what his thesis is; he throws in all the evidence he can and tries to argue the other side but then sorta realizes the other side actually makes more sense, but since it's too late to rewrite the paper and he's got to finish in thirty minutes he just sort of keeps writing, hoping the teacher won't notice that he's actually arguing every side. Or something like that, except my analogy implies J.A. Adande can write at a high school level. Honestly, how is the fact that Kevin Garnett likes to rebound and play defense - you know, all the intangible shit that hacks like Adande should lap up - a knock against him?

But at some point, an MVP should decide games with the ball in his hands. He should master the moment.

Look, Adande, if you just want to write about how Kobe should be the MVP, just fucking do so. We all know you're a shameless homer anyway, so nobody cares. But why the hell do you have to be a total dick to Kevin Garnett? Why do you have to make up bullshit reasons why KG isn't awesome in order to somehow "prove" Kobe is the MVP?

LeBron has shown an increasing ability to do that. It started in Detroit in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals last year. The entire fourth quarter and overtime were an extended moment, like a movie director shooting a scene with one long camera shot (as seen in "Goodfellas" and "Kill Bill").

Yes, thank you for citing your sources. There's no way I'd ever be able to understand your incredibly lame metaphor without being reminded of where I might else have seen such a thing. Honestly, if you're going to go pop culture, at least do it Simmons-style, with the whole "Remember when Henry took Karen through that geographically unnecessary but impossibly cool trip through the kitchens in Goodfellas? Yeah...that was Kobe." Or you could just show your readers this...



What, you thought I was getting through a post without a random YouTube clip from an Orson Welles movie?

LeBron had a few more moments against the Pistons on Wednesday. He capped it off with a late 3-pointer, totally irrelevant to the game's outcome but completely germane to the burgeoning rivalry. It was his way of saying, "Take that with you. You haven't seen the last of me."

Or his way of saying, "This has scored my team three points. Since the object of a basketball game is to accumulate points, and three points it the most any player can score at one time, this is the most advantageous result possible for my team." Could have been that as well.

But Bryant's moments Thursday put the Lakers in first place in the ultra-competitive Western Conference.

Hey, that sounds like basing your judgment on straight-up, honest-to-god winning. Where are the no-look passes to Luke Walton, Adande? WHERE ARE THE NO-LOOK PASSES!?

That's the difference … at this moment.

And that's it. All I really have left to say is...fuck you, Adande. Fuck you for writing an entire article about potential MVP candidates and not even MENTIONING Chris Paul. What a crock of shit...

Ah...it's good to be back.