I hope you enjoyed the (first?) Friday Frenzy. I admit the Murray Chass post was a bit weird, although I'm still amazed how honestly shocked I was at the very idea that The New York Fucking Times might actually be employing an editor for its sports section. If nothing else, that shows just how far we have yet to go. In other words, as Fire Everybody! leaves February behind and enters March, I feel pretty confident that there will be more shitty sportswriting for me (and my esteemed colleagues, if they can take time out from doing actually important stuff to waste it on this blog) to pull apart. Also, I've got another recurring series to unveil to go along with 52 52 52 and Friday Frenzy. I know, I know, this is all gimmicky as all shit, but I wouldn't do them if I didn't think you'd like them. And trust me...you'll like this next one.
Incidentally, I'm aware that it's now technically Saturday and hence this and the Murray Chass post aren't technically part of the "Friday" Frenzy, but I haven't gone to sleep yet, so it's still Friday as far as I'm concerned. I think we can all agree to give February 29 a few extra hours - if any day deserves it, it fucking does. Well, other than February 30, of course.
But you do realize the real reason for this last post, right? Even more There Will Be Blood labels! WOOT!!!
Showing posts with label friday frenzy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friday frenzy. Show all posts
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Murray Chass vs. Moneyball...wonder who I'm going to choose?
Oh Murray Chass, you're so fucking old. And crotchety, too. But I'm a reasonable man; how about if you stop complaining about things you don't understand, I promise to not complain about things that are scary and different to me when I'm 135. Sounds fair? No, huh? Guess that means I'll be raising a ruckus about those damn kids scientists dragging those frozen planets out of the Oort Cloud for us to colonize then. Russia never needed no fucking interplanetary tugboats back in my day. They just had less kids!
Not that they want to see any prospect fail, but old-line major league scouts everywhere stood up and cheered last week. Jeremy Brown, the Oakland Athletics announced, had retired.
As I always suspected...old-line major league scouts are dicks. Total, crotchety old dicks. So dickish even Albert "I'm dickish enough to make a shitty comedy about Islam" Brooks couldn't pull it off.
Jeremy who? The Athletics have been the home of Catfish Hunter, Reggie Jackson, Sal Bando, Joe Rudi, Gene Tenace, Rollie Fingers, Jason Giambi, Eric Chavez, Miguel Tejada, Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder and Barry Zito. But Jeremy Brown?
Hmm, I wonder where this could possibly be going...
The best that can be said about Brown in his six years in the Oakland organization is that he made the team’s 40-man roster and played five games in the majors.
So he ranks five Moonlights on the Costner scale? His truly was a field of dreams. What a fleeting thing it is to know your dream for but so short a time, to merrily dance with the specters of players long past as one knows but an instant in what they have termed the Show. Man, the poetry is just dripping with a story as romantic as this one. Guys like Chass love minor leaguers who never quite made it, the what-ifs and never-wases who you can write anything about and not be wrong. They're pure human interest, in that they're human, interesting, and, unless tainted by steroid allegations, reasonably pure. That's what Murray is about to write about, right? He's going to eulogize the non-career of Jeremy Brown? Because that doesn't sound all that interesting, but I guess there's nothing wrong with it.
But Brown will be remembered most as a portly college catcher who was a central figure in “Moneyball” by Michael Lewis, the book on the revolutionary way Oakland identified players to be drafted for a system that had little money to spend because of the team’s low-revenue status.
Probably. He did play only five games and all, so being mentioned in a best-selling book is quite likely the most notable thing about his baseball career. Also, I don't know who you think this "Michael Lewis" character is, but I think you'll find that Billy Beane wrote Moneyball.
Brown was one of seven players the Athletics picked among the first 39 players taken in the 2002 draft, a focal point of the book. Billy Beane, the Athletics’ general manager, found Brown attractive, despite his size, because he was a college player with a high on-base percentage.
If I may ruthlessly and immaturely take that quote out of context:
"Billy Beane...found Brown attractive, despite his size."
Murray Chass feels Billy Beane is not a chubby chaser. I just want everyone to be clear about that.
To be honest, Murray is being incredibly even-handed about this so far. I think I detected mild disdain in the "high on-base percentage" line, but I wonder...has Murray Chass become so old and senile that he's forgotten he needs to sound old and senile? Has he just progressed to being so ancient that all he is capable of is twittering inoffensive nothings? Because I'm not sure how I feel about ruthlessly making fun of somebody like that.
I'm kidding of course - I feel fucking great about ruthlessly making fun of somebody like that.
Veteran scouts for the A’s scoffed at the pick.
Which I guess they were right about. I can just smell the implied conclusion here, namely that since they scoffed at that particular pick, which turned out to be a bust, then it follows that scouts are right to scoff at all these "new age" decisions.
I could offer my own counter to this, but I'd prefer to turn the floor over to the computer that runs Wikipedia, who has done some truly outstanding work on a rebuttal:
Hasty generalization is a logical fallacy of faulty generalization by reaching an inductive generalization based on insufficient evidence. It commonly involves basing a broad conclusion upon the statistics of a survey of a small group that fails to sufficiently represent the whole population.
Example:
Person A travels through Town X for the first time. He sees 10 people, all of them children. Person A returns to his town and reports that there are no adult residents in Town X.
Person A and Person B walk past a pawn shop. Person A remarks that a watch in a window display looks like the one his grandfather used to wear.
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather pawned his watch
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather had expensive tastes in jewelry
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather was ostentatious
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather can not tell the time any more
Hey, wouldn't it be great if the Wikipedia computer and the computer that wrote Moneyball could get together? I bet their kids would have just outstanding MLVr, and who wouldn't want that?
There's plenty more of this article, but I'm going to curtail things because there really isn't much I can easily make fun of. In all honesty, Murray never quite comes out and says that Billy Beane is wrong. Instead, he dances around it the whole time while making it implicitly clear to anyone who has read his previous work that he thinks stats are ridiculous. Which is deplorable and all, but really hard to make fun of. He just comes across as strangely neutered, as though he was stifling himself or...
Holy fuck. I think somebody is editing him. I think...I mean, I'm not sure or anything, but I think that somebody might be editing this article. The New York Times might be employing some form of editor for its sports section and that person is, you know, editing all the crazy shit out of Murray Chass's articles.
It's really frightening how much that idea shocked me. Honestly, it took hours for the idea to even occur to me.
Not that they want to see any prospect fail, but old-line major league scouts everywhere stood up and cheered last week. Jeremy Brown, the Oakland Athletics announced, had retired.
As I always suspected...old-line major league scouts are dicks. Total, crotchety old dicks. So dickish even Albert "I'm dickish enough to make a shitty comedy about Islam" Brooks couldn't pull it off.
Jeremy who? The Athletics have been the home of Catfish Hunter, Reggie Jackson, Sal Bando, Joe Rudi, Gene Tenace, Rollie Fingers, Jason Giambi, Eric Chavez, Miguel Tejada, Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder and Barry Zito. But Jeremy Brown?
Hmm, I wonder where this could possibly be going...
The best that can be said about Brown in his six years in the Oakland organization is that he made the team’s 40-man roster and played five games in the majors.
So he ranks five Moonlights on the Costner scale? His truly was a field of dreams. What a fleeting thing it is to know your dream for but so short a time, to merrily dance with the specters of players long past as one knows but an instant in what they have termed the Show. Man, the poetry is just dripping with a story as romantic as this one. Guys like Chass love minor leaguers who never quite made it, the what-ifs and never-wases who you can write anything about and not be wrong. They're pure human interest, in that they're human, interesting, and, unless tainted by steroid allegations, reasonably pure. That's what Murray is about to write about, right? He's going to eulogize the non-career of Jeremy Brown? Because that doesn't sound all that interesting, but I guess there's nothing wrong with it.
But Brown will be remembered most as a portly college catcher who was a central figure in “Moneyball” by Michael Lewis, the book on the revolutionary way Oakland identified players to be drafted for a system that had little money to spend because of the team’s low-revenue status.
Probably. He did play only five games and all, so being mentioned in a best-selling book is quite likely the most notable thing about his baseball career. Also, I don't know who you think this "Michael Lewis" character is, but I think you'll find that Billy Beane wrote Moneyball.
Brown was one of seven players the Athletics picked among the first 39 players taken in the 2002 draft, a focal point of the book. Billy Beane, the Athletics’ general manager, found Brown attractive, despite his size, because he was a college player with a high on-base percentage.
If I may ruthlessly and immaturely take that quote out of context:
"Billy Beane...found Brown attractive, despite his size."
Murray Chass feels Billy Beane is not a chubby chaser. I just want everyone to be clear about that.
To be honest, Murray is being incredibly even-handed about this so far. I think I detected mild disdain in the "high on-base percentage" line, but I wonder...has Murray Chass become so old and senile that he's forgotten he needs to sound old and senile? Has he just progressed to being so ancient that all he is capable of is twittering inoffensive nothings? Because I'm not sure how I feel about ruthlessly making fun of somebody like that.
I'm kidding of course - I feel fucking great about ruthlessly making fun of somebody like that.
Veteran scouts for the A’s scoffed at the pick.
Which I guess they were right about. I can just smell the implied conclusion here, namely that since they scoffed at that particular pick, which turned out to be a bust, then it follows that scouts are right to scoff at all these "new age" decisions.
I could offer my own counter to this, but I'd prefer to turn the floor over to the computer that runs Wikipedia, who has done some truly outstanding work on a rebuttal:
Hasty generalization is a logical fallacy of faulty generalization by reaching an inductive generalization based on insufficient evidence. It commonly involves basing a broad conclusion upon the statistics of a survey of a small group that fails to sufficiently represent the whole population.
Example:
Person A travels through Town X for the first time. He sees 10 people, all of them children. Person A returns to his town and reports that there are no adult residents in Town X.
Person A and Person B walk past a pawn shop. Person A remarks that a watch in a window display looks like the one his grandfather used to wear.
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather pawned his watch
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather had expensive tastes in jewelry
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather was ostentatious
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather can not tell the time any more
Hey, wouldn't it be great if the Wikipedia computer and the computer that wrote Moneyball could get together? I bet their kids would have just outstanding MLVr, and who wouldn't want that?
There's plenty more of this article, but I'm going to curtail things because there really isn't much I can easily make fun of. In all honesty, Murray never quite comes out and says that Billy Beane is wrong. Instead, he dances around it the whole time while making it implicitly clear to anyone who has read his previous work that he thinks stats are ridiculous. Which is deplorable and all, but really hard to make fun of. He just comes across as strangely neutered, as though he was stifling himself or...
Holy fuck. I think somebody is editing him. I think...I mean, I'm not sure or anything, but I think that somebody might be editing this article. The New York Times might be employing some form of editor for its sports section and that person is, you know, editing all the crazy shit out of Murray Chass's articles.
It's really frightening how much that idea shocked me. Honestly, it took hours for the idea to even occur to me.
52 52 52 Week #2: Rhode Island
In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
Before I start, I just wanted to announce I'm still working on that Murray Chass post - I can't quite decide whether it's egregious enough to warrant its own column. Somehow, Murray didn't completely fuck up an article about Moneyball, which you would think would be like shooting fish in a barrel. But somehow, Murray wildly took aim and hit on a reasonably decent article.
In the meantime, let's talk Rhode Island's beautiful Jerimoth Hill, rising to a majestic 812 feet. Some fast facts...
1. Its highpoint was inaccessible for years because this dude Henry Richardson wouldn't let people go there. Not that he owned the point itself - Brown University holds that particular property - but a piece of his land was the only path up there. What piece of land? His driveway.
2. To be fair, he had tolerated such trespassers for years, but years of abuse of his permissiveness forced his hand. To also be fair, Mr. Richardson, according to Wikipedia, "became known for insulting, threatening or even using violence against visitors who tried to use his road." I just hope this involved giving someone a serious ass-forking, as God (sometimes known as Simpsons writer Matt Selman) intended.
3. Because of all this, people once considered Jehimoth Hill a more inaccessible peak than Mount McKinley, which also doubles as the highest point in North America. To put this in perspective, Mt. McKinley is twenty-fives times taller than Jehimoth Hill. So apparently Henry Richardson is tougher than the Alaskan winter. I hope he puts that on his resume.
With all that highpoint drama out of the way, let's look at an example of Rhode Island's sterling journalism. Our representative comes from The Providence Journal, which was first published in 1829, making it the oldest continually published daily newspaper in these United States. That's quite a feat, and I can confidently say their success has nothing to do with this article by Bill Reynolds. The whole thing is a list of various mini-topics, which is good because I feel a little scattershot myself.
If you’re a basketball purist and you want to vomit, watch an NBA All-Star Game.
You can find this advice on the wall at the NBA Purist's Sports Bar and Grille on 59th Street. If you're gonna eat the uncooked prawns, it's advice that could save your life. Admittedly, it's pretty dickish to say in any other context, so...well, Bill Reynolds, let's just say I'm giving you an official warning on the dickery front.
It’s all there. The lack of intensity. Treating basketball as if it’s a show, not a game. And defense? The AndI Tour might have more defense.
Let's not go crazy here. Have you seen an And1 tour game? Well, I have, and by "I have," I of course mean "I just found a video on YouTube":
I'll buy the all-star game has less defense than a Globetrotters-Generals game, but I'm pretty sure the And1 tour's slogan is, "Defense...it's for pussies."
Also, it's And1, not AndI. Let's keep the Roman numerals to ourselves, shall we?
Want to know why there are so many kids today who have no clue how to play?
Because most kids suck at basketball? I will proudly proclaim that I'm fucking terrible at basketball. I have no clue how to play because I have absolutely no natural talent for it. Probably true of most people.
Want to know why no one seems to know what the rules are anymore, since they’ve been so bastardized for so many years now that the lines have all but been blurred beyond repair?
For the record, I don't really care about this. I'd say football has a way bigger issue with people not knowing the rules, what with all the bizarre little technicalities that can drastically affect games in a way that thoroughly confuses fans. I think I know the rules of basketball, although maybe refs don't enforce them particularly well (although sometimes that has nothing to do with ignorance). Where are you going with this, exactly?
Want to know why, as the players get bigger and stronger and are able to do wondrous athletic feats, the game itself seems somehow lessened?
Is it all the foreigners flopping? That sounds plausible, and if it's plausible that means it can't be xenophobic, right?
Check out an NBA All-Star Game, the game’s role models in their biggest showcase.
It’s all there.
Dude, why couldn't you have just blamed the foreigners? That would have been assholish, but I'm not sure I could have completely refuted that argument. But this? This is going to be easy.
You're blaming the ruination of the NBA game on the fact that all the impressionable kids watching "the game's role models" see a bunch of dudes not play defense and alley-oop it to themselves. I mean, that would make sense, assuming all the kids are watching that game. And you do say it's "their biggest showcase", so I have to assume that's the case.
Wait, what's that you say? All-star ratings are at an all-time low? Oh, well never mind then.
If I were the Patriots, I’d breathe a little easier if this Matt Walsh scenario went away.
Helluva point you got there. You're saying if the potential key to a scandal that could actually result in Bill Belichick being suspended for an entire year suddenly went away, the Patriots would be happy with this? Thank goodness you're getting paid to come up with these gems.
And yes, that was his entire fucking point.
You’ve got too much time on your hands, Bunky, if you’re spending a lot of time watching Red Sox spring training on television.
Who is Bunky? Are you talking to me? Dude, my name is Archie Micklewhite, not Archie Bunker. Although I do often get mistaken for Archie Bunker, what with my virulent racism and hanging jowls. I'm just kidding folks - my jowls are rock hard.
Unless you think watching pitchers jog in the outfield is a spectator sport.
Dude, it's February. It's a tough month, what with almost nothing going on in sports. At least these people aren't doing anything completely fucking crazy.
Only a cynic would say that John McCain’s approval went up with young people with the allegation he had an improper relationship with a lobbyist.
So, um, are you a cynic, Bill Reynolds? Do you think that? I don't get what I'm supposed to understand from this point. Also, let's take a look at Cindy McCain...
Are we sure John McCain's marriage isn't an improper relationship? And for the record, I'm not a cynic; I'm a pervert.
Although in Washington, you can make a case that any relationship with a lobbyist should be improper.
BURN!!! Take that, Washington!!! Bill Reynolds just pwned your ass. What's that feeling you feel? That would be Bill Reynolds fucking your shit up. You're welcome, Washington.
Seriously, fucking fat cats. So glad someone finally has the balls to stand up to them.
Budget cuts are a little like nuclear power plants: No one wants them in their backyard.
I dunno, I could do without that extra shed. Damned if I ever use it - I mean, who needs both a tool shed and a mulch shed?
*WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR AN OBLIGATORY MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE.*
Other than Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson, of course.
*THANK YOU. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED POST.*
Anyway, I'd be up for a budget cut in my backyard. Sometimes you just have to take the hit, stock up some draft picks for quality seedlings down the road, and rebuild your backyard to remain competitive in this salary cap era for backyards. You can't always afford to pay the luxury tax on your John Deere, is all I'm saying.
Also, I'm pretty sure my backyard is Three Mile Island. If I'm following what Bill Reynolds is saying, is that something I should be concerned about? Honestly, I haven't left my basement since March 27, 1979, so thus far I haven't really had any cause for concern. Eh, I'm sure things are fine.
You know spring is just around the corner when there’s already been a Manny sighting.
Yeah, and thank god we didn't see Manny's shadow, or else there would be six more weeks of winter. Wait...what?
And you know that too many young actresses have overdosed on Girls Gone Wild videos when even Madonna now seems almost staid.
No arguing our young starlets are a little out of control, but is it really because Jamie-Lynn Spears grew up watching Girls Gone Wild videos that she's now busy recreating the plot of Juno, only in a universe horrifically bereft of the bountiful glory that is Michael Cera? Girls Gone Wild has about as much to do with Lindsay Lohan's coke* addiction as...I don't know, what's a comparably shitty thing...let's see, about as much as the NBA All-Star game has to do with a general decrease in fundamentals. No idea where I came up with that analogy, but I guess it'll do.
*that would be a former coke addiction**
**also alleged former coke addiction
Curt Schilling is psychologically incapable of staying in the background very long.
Man, that dude has got Curt Schilling nailed! With pioneering journalistic insight like that, it's a wonder that he languishes at the Providence Journal. Seriously, get this fucker on...well, I would say Baseball Tonight, but I think the joke works better if I reference something whose analysts are, you know, competent.
I love that Bill feels that statement is apparently pithy enough to not need any further elaboration whatsoever. Couldn't you have at least mentioned his Everquest addiction? Because that shit is never not hilarious.
If you’re looking for an interesting novel about being undercover for the FBI, check out The Judas Horse, by April Smith.
Um, OK, I will. Although I think I'm going to need a second opinion from Amazon.com reviewer NoGoodDeed:
I love crime novels, and can't think of too many other books that so expertly capture the ins and outs of Bureau work as do April Smith's. Despite the rather spooky and off-putting cover image of a faceless horse, and the somewhat off-the-wall subject matter (domestic terrorism to protect wild mustangs?), "Judas Horse" is one of the best thrillers so far this year. (I think the word "mystery" on the jacket lumps the book into the P.D. James/Elizabeth George traditional mystery-type novels, which this definitely is not.)
I've said it once, I'll say it again - NoGoodDeed is gold. And as long as it's not like any of that P.D. James/Elizabeth George traditional mystery-type bullshit, I'm on board. You win this round, Bill Reynolds.
Don’t be surprised if Joba Chamberlain hits the sophomore slump.
But will you be surprised if he doesn't? Is this a prediction, or just a random statement that you can ignore if it doesn't pan out but pat yourself on the back for if you're correct? Or, to put it another way...a prediction? Ooh, let me try one!
Don't be surprised if Bill Reynolds someday makes an interesting point.
Yeah, I'm guessing I won't be printing up oracular business cards anytime soon. Although if they'd help me get babes, I guess I'd be willing to fudge my credentials...
There’s no truth to the rumor that the movie There Will Be Blood is about the Friars season.
Hey man, back the fuck off There Will Be Blood. That's what I reference. I mean, I mean...that's like referencing There Will Be Blood is my milkshake, and you're like standing over there with this straw, and the straw reaches across the room, and so it's like you, Bill Reynolds, are drinking my referencing-TWBB milkshake!
You see, Bill Reynolds? Don't fuck with me on this. I'm too good.
Once upon a time, back in the late 1950s, Bill Sharman of the Celtics used to go to a high school gym on the morning of games and shoot around, even though his teammates thought he was crazy. Sharman brought the idea with him to the Lakers when he coached there in the early ’70s, and now every pro and college team in the country has morning shootarounds. Go figure.
You mean I should figure out that a popular and successful coach instituted a practice with an incredibly successful team and that other teams copied him? Yeah, go fucking figure.
Twenty-eight years ago yesterday was the “Miracle on Ice,” the day the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Russians.
Kinda cool, I guess. 28 isn't really all that round of a number. Why'd you mention it?
And Mike Eruzione has been living off it ever since.
Ah, dude, that's not cool. To quote that dude in that YouTube video..."Leave Mike Eruzione alone!" That may not have been exactly what he said, but that was the gist.
I have no doubt that if Roger Clemens could have a do-over, he would have fessed up when Andy Pettitte did.
Uh huh. Interesting point. No, I'm serious, I'd like to hear more about this. I'm not sure I buy it, considering how consistently evasive he's been, but I guess you could argue that's just because he long ago passed the point of no return. Hmm...I'd like to hear more. Care to elaborate?
Both Hillary and the Rams peaked too soon.
Oh. Fuck it then.
Forget Barack Obama. Odds are Hillary couldn’t beat Hannah Montana.
Well, other than the fact that Miley Cyrus is constitutionally barred from running for president, considering she's not 35, yeah, no way Hillary could beat her. Although I think that still means she'd be able to beat Rudy Guiliani.
Yeah...fuck that guy.
The Celtics still need a backup point guard.
To quote lazy commenters everywhere...
/fixed
In the recent Dime magazine Charles Barkley called Kevin McHale the best he ever played against.
What the hell is this list supposed to be? Is this supposed to be a collection of tidbits you've noticed over the past week towards which you want to point fellow sports enthusiasts? You know, a link dump? Bill, you do realize that if you're trying to do a link dump, you really need to include, you know, links?
Like this...
In the recent Dime magazine
See? That wasn't so bad.
Kelvin Sampson must have missed the ethics seminar.
Man, will you listen to this guy? He's a regular Don Rickles or some shit.
Not that there’s one given in Rhode Island, understand.
That's about the twentieth reference to local Rhode Island sports, something I can't really blame him for, considering my entire point here is to rip on local sports journalists. Hell, for all I know, he's one of the most insightful guys around when it comes to the ins and outs of, say, Providence Friars basketball.
Nah...
Before I start, I just wanted to announce I'm still working on that Murray Chass post - I can't quite decide whether it's egregious enough to warrant its own column. Somehow, Murray didn't completely fuck up an article about Moneyball, which you would think would be like shooting fish in a barrel. But somehow, Murray wildly took aim and hit on a reasonably decent article.
In the meantime, let's talk Rhode Island's beautiful Jerimoth Hill, rising to a majestic 812 feet. Some fast facts...
1. Its highpoint was inaccessible for years because this dude Henry Richardson wouldn't let people go there. Not that he owned the point itself - Brown University holds that particular property - but a piece of his land was the only path up there. What piece of land? His driveway.
2. To be fair, he had tolerated such trespassers for years, but years of abuse of his permissiveness forced his hand. To also be fair, Mr. Richardson, according to Wikipedia, "became known for insulting, threatening or even using violence against visitors who tried to use his road." I just hope this involved giving someone a serious ass-forking, as God (sometimes known as Simpsons writer Matt Selman) intended.
3. Because of all this, people once considered Jehimoth Hill a more inaccessible peak than Mount McKinley, which also doubles as the highest point in North America. To put this in perspective, Mt. McKinley is twenty-fives times taller than Jehimoth Hill. So apparently Henry Richardson is tougher than the Alaskan winter. I hope he puts that on his resume.
With all that highpoint drama out of the way, let's look at an example of Rhode Island's sterling journalism. Our representative comes from The Providence Journal, which was first published in 1829, making it the oldest continually published daily newspaper in these United States. That's quite a feat, and I can confidently say their success has nothing to do with this article by Bill Reynolds. The whole thing is a list of various mini-topics, which is good because I feel a little scattershot myself.
If you’re a basketball purist and you want to vomit, watch an NBA All-Star Game.
You can find this advice on the wall at the NBA Purist's Sports Bar and Grille on 59th Street. If you're gonna eat the uncooked prawns, it's advice that could save your life. Admittedly, it's pretty dickish to say in any other context, so...well, Bill Reynolds, let's just say I'm giving you an official warning on the dickery front.
It’s all there. The lack of intensity. Treating basketball as if it’s a show, not a game. And defense? The AndI Tour might have more defense.
Let's not go crazy here. Have you seen an And1 tour game? Well, I have, and by "I have," I of course mean "I just found a video on YouTube":
I'll buy the all-star game has less defense than a Globetrotters-Generals game, but I'm pretty sure the And1 tour's slogan is, "Defense...it's for pussies."
Also, it's And1, not AndI. Let's keep the Roman numerals to ourselves, shall we?
Want to know why there are so many kids today who have no clue how to play?
Because most kids suck at basketball? I will proudly proclaim that I'm fucking terrible at basketball. I have no clue how to play because I have absolutely no natural talent for it. Probably true of most people.
Want to know why no one seems to know what the rules are anymore, since they’ve been so bastardized for so many years now that the lines have all but been blurred beyond repair?
For the record, I don't really care about this. I'd say football has a way bigger issue with people not knowing the rules, what with all the bizarre little technicalities that can drastically affect games in a way that thoroughly confuses fans. I think I know the rules of basketball, although maybe refs don't enforce them particularly well (although sometimes that has nothing to do with ignorance). Where are you going with this, exactly?
Want to know why, as the players get bigger and stronger and are able to do wondrous athletic feats, the game itself seems somehow lessened?
Is it all the foreigners flopping? That sounds plausible, and if it's plausible that means it can't be xenophobic, right?
Check out an NBA All-Star Game, the game’s role models in their biggest showcase.
It’s all there.
Dude, why couldn't you have just blamed the foreigners? That would have been assholish, but I'm not sure I could have completely refuted that argument. But this? This is going to be easy.
You're blaming the ruination of the NBA game on the fact that all the impressionable kids watching "the game's role models" see a bunch of dudes not play defense and alley-oop it to themselves. I mean, that would make sense, assuming all the kids are watching that game. And you do say it's "their biggest showcase", so I have to assume that's the case.
Wait, what's that you say? All-star ratings are at an all-time low? Oh, well never mind then.
If I were the Patriots, I’d breathe a little easier if this Matt Walsh scenario went away.
Helluva point you got there. You're saying if the potential key to a scandal that could actually result in Bill Belichick being suspended for an entire year suddenly went away, the Patriots would be happy with this? Thank goodness you're getting paid to come up with these gems.
And yes, that was his entire fucking point.
You’ve got too much time on your hands, Bunky, if you’re spending a lot of time watching Red Sox spring training on television.
Who is Bunky? Are you talking to me? Dude, my name is Archie Micklewhite, not Archie Bunker. Although I do often get mistaken for Archie Bunker, what with my virulent racism and hanging jowls. I'm just kidding folks - my jowls are rock hard.
Unless you think watching pitchers jog in the outfield is a spectator sport.
Dude, it's February. It's a tough month, what with almost nothing going on in sports. At least these people aren't doing anything completely fucking crazy.
Only a cynic would say that John McCain’s approval went up with young people with the allegation he had an improper relationship with a lobbyist.
So, um, are you a cynic, Bill Reynolds? Do you think that? I don't get what I'm supposed to understand from this point. Also, let's take a look at Cindy McCain...
Are we sure John McCain's marriage isn't an improper relationship? And for the record, I'm not a cynic; I'm a pervert.
Although in Washington, you can make a case that any relationship with a lobbyist should be improper.
BURN!!! Take that, Washington!!! Bill Reynolds just pwned your ass. What's that feeling you feel? That would be Bill Reynolds fucking your shit up. You're welcome, Washington.
Seriously, fucking fat cats. So glad someone finally has the balls to stand up to them.
Budget cuts are a little like nuclear power plants: No one wants them in their backyard.
I dunno, I could do without that extra shed. Damned if I ever use it - I mean, who needs both a tool shed and a mulch shed?
*WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR AN OBLIGATORY MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE.*
Other than Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson, of course.
*THANK YOU. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED POST.*
Anyway, I'd be up for a budget cut in my backyard. Sometimes you just have to take the hit, stock up some draft picks for quality seedlings down the road, and rebuild your backyard to remain competitive in this salary cap era for backyards. You can't always afford to pay the luxury tax on your John Deere, is all I'm saying.
Also, I'm pretty sure my backyard is Three Mile Island. If I'm following what Bill Reynolds is saying, is that something I should be concerned about? Honestly, I haven't left my basement since March 27, 1979, so thus far I haven't really had any cause for concern. Eh, I'm sure things are fine.
You know spring is just around the corner when there’s already been a Manny sighting.
Yeah, and thank god we didn't see Manny's shadow, or else there would be six more weeks of winter. Wait...what?
And you know that too many young actresses have overdosed on Girls Gone Wild videos when even Madonna now seems almost staid.
No arguing our young starlets are a little out of control, but is it really because Jamie-Lynn Spears grew up watching Girls Gone Wild videos that she's now busy recreating the plot of Juno, only in a universe horrifically bereft of the bountiful glory that is Michael Cera? Girls Gone Wild has about as much to do with Lindsay Lohan's coke* addiction as...I don't know, what's a comparably shitty thing...let's see, about as much as the NBA All-Star game has to do with a general decrease in fundamentals. No idea where I came up with that analogy, but I guess it'll do.
*that would be a former coke addiction**
**also alleged former coke addiction
Curt Schilling is psychologically incapable of staying in the background very long.
Man, that dude has got Curt Schilling nailed! With pioneering journalistic insight like that, it's a wonder that he languishes at the Providence Journal. Seriously, get this fucker on...well, I would say Baseball Tonight, but I think the joke works better if I reference something whose analysts are, you know, competent.
I love that Bill feels that statement is apparently pithy enough to not need any further elaboration whatsoever. Couldn't you have at least mentioned his Everquest addiction? Because that shit is never not hilarious.
If you’re looking for an interesting novel about being undercover for the FBI, check out The Judas Horse, by April Smith.
Um, OK, I will. Although I think I'm going to need a second opinion from Amazon.com reviewer NoGoodDeed:
I love crime novels, and can't think of too many other books that so expertly capture the ins and outs of Bureau work as do April Smith's. Despite the rather spooky and off-putting cover image of a faceless horse, and the somewhat off-the-wall subject matter (domestic terrorism to protect wild mustangs?), "Judas Horse" is one of the best thrillers so far this year. (I think the word "mystery" on the jacket lumps the book into the P.D. James/Elizabeth George traditional mystery-type novels, which this definitely is not.)
I've said it once, I'll say it again - NoGoodDeed is gold. And as long as it's not like any of that P.D. James/Elizabeth George traditional mystery-type bullshit, I'm on board. You win this round, Bill Reynolds.
Don’t be surprised if Joba Chamberlain hits the sophomore slump.
But will you be surprised if he doesn't? Is this a prediction, or just a random statement that you can ignore if it doesn't pan out but pat yourself on the back for if you're correct? Or, to put it another way...a prediction? Ooh, let me try one!
Don't be surprised if Bill Reynolds someday makes an interesting point.
Yeah, I'm guessing I won't be printing up oracular business cards anytime soon. Although if they'd help me get babes, I guess I'd be willing to fudge my credentials...
There’s no truth to the rumor that the movie There Will Be Blood is about the Friars season.
Hey man, back the fuck off There Will Be Blood. That's what I reference. I mean, I mean...that's like referencing There Will Be Blood is my milkshake, and you're like standing over there with this straw, and the straw reaches across the room, and so it's like you, Bill Reynolds, are drinking my referencing-TWBB milkshake!
You see, Bill Reynolds? Don't fuck with me on this. I'm too good.
Once upon a time, back in the late 1950s, Bill Sharman of the Celtics used to go to a high school gym on the morning of games and shoot around, even though his teammates thought he was crazy. Sharman brought the idea with him to the Lakers when he coached there in the early ’70s, and now every pro and college team in the country has morning shootarounds. Go figure.
You mean I should figure out that a popular and successful coach instituted a practice with an incredibly successful team and that other teams copied him? Yeah, go fucking figure.
Twenty-eight years ago yesterday was the “Miracle on Ice,” the day the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Russians.
Kinda cool, I guess. 28 isn't really all that round of a number. Why'd you mention it?
And Mike Eruzione has been living off it ever since.
Ah, dude, that's not cool. To quote that dude in that YouTube video..."Leave Mike Eruzione alone!" That may not have been exactly what he said, but that was the gist.
I have no doubt that if Roger Clemens could have a do-over, he would have fessed up when Andy Pettitte did.
Uh huh. Interesting point. No, I'm serious, I'd like to hear more about this. I'm not sure I buy it, considering how consistently evasive he's been, but I guess you could argue that's just because he long ago passed the point of no return. Hmm...I'd like to hear more. Care to elaborate?
Both Hillary and the Rams peaked too soon.
Oh. Fuck it then.
Forget Barack Obama. Odds are Hillary couldn’t beat Hannah Montana.
Well, other than the fact that Miley Cyrus is constitutionally barred from running for president, considering she's not 35, yeah, no way Hillary could beat her. Although I think that still means she'd be able to beat Rudy Guiliani.
Yeah...fuck that guy.
The Celtics still need a backup point guard.
To quote lazy commenters everywhere...
/fixed
In the recent Dime magazine Charles Barkley called Kevin McHale the best he ever played against.
What the hell is this list supposed to be? Is this supposed to be a collection of tidbits you've noticed over the past week towards which you want to point fellow sports enthusiasts? You know, a link dump? Bill, you do realize that if you're trying to do a link dump, you really need to include, you know, links?
Like this...
In the recent Dime magazine
See? That wasn't so bad.
Kelvin Sampson must have missed the ethics seminar.
Man, will you listen to this guy? He's a regular Don Rickles or some shit.
Not that there’s one given in Rhode Island, understand.
That's about the twentieth reference to local Rhode Island sports, something I can't really blame him for, considering my entire point here is to rip on local sports journalists. Hell, for all I know, he's one of the most insightful guys around when it comes to the ins and outs of, say, Providence Friars basketball.
Nah...
Friday, February 29, 2008
Credit where credit is due...
I don't hate Bill Simmons; I nothing Bill Simmons. I just try to ignore him, enjoy the frequent and dead-on haterade from my blogger superiors, and generally do my best to forget he sorta ruined me as a sports fan for a couple years (it's a long, boring story that, since this site isn't my memoirs, doesn't really need to be told).
But I have to say, the man wrote a really nice article today, and since I know he needs the traffic, I thought I might link it and offer the Fire Everybody! seal of approval to his piece. The best part?
Ctrl+F: boston "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: celtics "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: red sox "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: patriots "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: karate kid "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: the hills "Phrase not found"
There's a glancing reference to Carlton Fisk and the World Series, but that's the closest the article comes to dealing with any of his usual topics. Instead, it's basically just a massive collection of emails from various Sonics fans on how the impending move to Oklahoma City is affecting them, with Bill providing a pretty insightful lead-in. Though I think his argument is one-sided (not that he doesn't admit as much: "There is only one side"), I appreciate his clarity and argumentation. This is why I liked the guy in the first place.
Also, I'm still trying to figure out whether Bill's new bosom buddy Matt Ufford took the time to write in. This has got to be the leading candidate...
City: Seattle
Name: Matt
How can one guy come in and steal a team from an entire city? I can't believe he would even have the guts to try something like this ... until I start to think about it more. Clay Bennett picked the perfect city to mess with. We are a bunch of computer-nerd, organic-eating, coffee-drinking wussies. I can say that because I am from here, but even if I weren't, I don't think anyone would do anything about it.
Of course, Cap doesn't live in Seattle anymore, but it could still be an honorary residence. But nah, I'm not buying it. The comedy is pretty lame and obvious by his standards, and since when has Ufford cared about whether he has the right to shit on an entire city?
Besides, I think his words on With Leather in a post from November 2 of last year pretty clearly summed up how he felt:
Murdering Clay Bennett over MOVING THE SONICS -- Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit. Fucking die.
Truer words were never spoken, Cap. Or blogged, as the case may be.
All right, fuck positivity. Bring on Murray Chass!
But I have to say, the man wrote a really nice article today, and since I know he needs the traffic, I thought I might link it and offer the Fire Everybody! seal of approval to his piece. The best part?
Ctrl+F: boston "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: celtics "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: red sox "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: patriots "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: karate kid "Phrase not found"
Ctrl+F: the hills "Phrase not found"
There's a glancing reference to Carlton Fisk and the World Series, but that's the closest the article comes to dealing with any of his usual topics. Instead, it's basically just a massive collection of emails from various Sonics fans on how the impending move to Oklahoma City is affecting them, with Bill providing a pretty insightful lead-in. Though I think his argument is one-sided (not that he doesn't admit as much: "There is only one side"), I appreciate his clarity and argumentation. This is why I liked the guy in the first place.
Also, I'm still trying to figure out whether Bill's new bosom buddy Matt Ufford took the time to write in. This has got to be the leading candidate...
City: Seattle
Name: Matt
How can one guy come in and steal a team from an entire city? I can't believe he would even have the guts to try something like this ... until I start to think about it more. Clay Bennett picked the perfect city to mess with. We are a bunch of computer-nerd, organic-eating, coffee-drinking wussies. I can say that because I am from here, but even if I weren't, I don't think anyone would do anything about it.
Of course, Cap doesn't live in Seattle anymore, but it could still be an honorary residence. But nah, I'm not buying it. The comedy is pretty lame and obvious by his standards, and since when has Ufford cared about whether he has the right to shit on an entire city?
Besides, I think his words on With Leather in a post from November 2 of last year pretty clearly summed up how he felt:
Murdering Clay Bennett over MOVING THE SONICS -- Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit. Fucking die.
Truer words were never spoken, Cap. Or blogged, as the case may be.
All right, fuck positivity. Bring on Murray Chass!
Oh those loveable, eugenically-inclined Brits...
Hidden inside my colorful pseudonym is the terrible secret that I am, in fact, a Brit. You know, a Limey. A Pommy. A Redcoat. John Bull's lapdog, which I believe is called John Lapdog (after Shakespeare we lost all our imagination). I could go on, but why should I when Wikipedia already has?
So anyway, imagine my intense intrigue (read: mild interest) when I noticed the following headline on ESPN.com - Height makes right: British Olympic officials seek tall people. Sounds positively scintillating, doesn't it? Tell on, anonymous Associated Press writer...
Answering a nationwide appeal for tall people with athletic potential, more than 50 prospective Olympic athletes have been placed in British training programs for the2012 London Games.
I'm pretty sure that in England the main indicator of British athletic potential - itself a bit of a contradiction in terms - was, you know, "being tall." So "tall people with athletic potential" might be a tad redudant over in the UK. I mean, that's all that John Amaechi brought to the table, and he's probably Britain's most famous athlete.
Clarification One: I am NOT, I repeat NOT, making fun of Mr. Amaechi's homosexuality. I am instead making fun of the fact that he was pretty terrible at basketball.
Clarification Two: The fact that I'm calling John Amaechi Britain's most famous athlete might be read as a culturally ignorant, typically American dismissal of soccer. That is incorrect. It's actually a carefully-considered, stereotypically American "fuck you" to soccer. There also might be some jingoism in there, I'm not sure.
More than 3,800 people applied to be part of the "Sporting Giants" project. They were tested for their skills in four Olympic sports -- rowing, handball, beach volleyball and indoor volleyball.
Britain...not even bothering to pretend they could field a basketball team. At least they're not completely delusional.
"There are so many people out there who don't know how good they could be at sports they've probably not even thought about," UK Sport talent identification manager Chelsea Warr said Thursday.
For the record, I've already thought about all the sports I'm awesome at. Like autoracing? Dude, it's not like you need to parallel park or nothing in Formula One. Football? I mean, how hard can punting be, really? And that shit totally counts as football. I've played more than enough Mario 64 to be a professional gamer (I even found the weird room and everything!). I mean, they haven't come out with anything since Nintendo 64, so I'm set, right?
Also, sepak takraw looks like fun, its rampant showboating notwithstanding.
"This was a mild shake of the tree. We looked under a few rocks and look what we found."
Wait, have the Olympics revived the Mixed Metaphors event? Because that one shows potential, even if a tree and a rock are somewhat related spatially thinking. What about "We're not jumping off the sinking ship until the cows come home" in reference to how hard you're looking for athletes? Or maybe "The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree when you take the road less traveled" when discussing...well, I have no idea what that would be discussing. Sort of the whole point of mixed metaphors, really.
Stuart Campbell, 25, gave up his job as a personal trainer to join the British Handball Academy in Denmark.
"I had never even seen a handball court before Sporting Giants," Campbell said. "But we're not just here to make up the numbers -- we're here to win medals."
Yeah...keep telling yourself that, Stuart. You do realize they don't give participation medals, right? Well, not since Eddie the Eagle, in any case, who incidentally doubles as Britain's most famous Olympian. I'll just let that one sink in.
Frances Nicholls, 23, who had been working as a teacher in York, has now relocated to Henley, home of Britain's most famous rowing regatta, after being fast-tracked onto Britain's national rowing program.
"It's been an absolute whirlwind," Nicholls said.
From York...to Henley? God, it's all glitz and glamor for the British Olympic Rowing Team. I have no idea how they all haven't had heart attacks from the excitement. Well, that and the fact that all the British Olympians are probably horribly out-of-shape. That could also cause heart attacks, especially if they're being expected to compete on an international stage with actual, you know, athletes. You know, from countries where the strategy goes beyond "Let's find some of them tall gits!"
So yeah, massive global pressure and the Henley nightlife. Very equivalent things, both causing heart attacks in British Olympians. I'll say it if no one else will.
Male candidates had to be taller than 6-3, while female candidates needed to be taller than 5-11.
Dear lord...Britain's is trying to recreate the Potsdam Giants! You remember them, right? They were that Prussian regiment that King Frederick William I started back in the 1700s? He basically went around kidnapping lots of tall people, including monks and priests, to be his soldiers so that he would scare the shit out of the enemy. A lot of them were "only" around 5'11", which was pretty tall at the time, but he actually had a few seven-footers in there. Actually, most of them suffered from crippling gigantism, making them unfit for battle, so the Potsdam Giants never did anything more intimidating than make the opposing army think something was wrong with their depth perception. Which has it uses, but still.
Also, he himself was 4'11", so I leave you to draw your own conclusions about why he was so obsessed with having giants in his army. Although I will submit this quote as evidence: "The most beautiful girl or woman in the world would be a matter of indifference to me, but tall soldiers--they are my weakness." But before you dismiss old Frederick William as a height-fetishizing old coot, do know that he would make them march for him regularly, even if he was on his sickbed, and that usually they were led in the marching by their mascot...a fucking bear. So he may have been a height-fetishizing old coot, but at least he had the common decency to be awesomely insane about it.
But even so, this is how the road to eugenics begin. You randomly decide tall people are better than one thing, and then you decide they're better at all things. Hey, tall people can reach higher shelves...let's make them our librarians! Hey, tall people can push reach their arms slightly further down clogged drains...our plumbers they shall be! And I think everyone knows that as go librarians and plumbers, so goes the nation. Basically, my message to British people of average height: start running, because the British government is committed to breeding a superhuman race of taller people. Oh, the humanity!
However, six candidates who exaggerated their height on the initial application form were still tested and have since been placed in Britain's canoeing squad.
Or not. Stupid Brits, got to always reward moxie and motherfucking pluck. Those are short people traits, Brits! Come on, either you're into eugenics or you're not. There's no halfway!
Five-time Olympic rowing champion Steve Redgrave said looking for potential medal-winners based on their physical attributes was a policy that had served Britain well before.
I'll level with you: long digressions about eugenics and Prussian military history aside, the main reason I went to the trouble of writing this post is coming up. I think you'll agree with me when I say this proves I am twelve-years-old.
"I never thought I would row until my first coach came along and asked me to have a go," Redgrave said. "Years later I asked him 'Why did you pick me?'
Yes, Steven, why were you picked?
"He said, 'Well, you had big hands and big feet."
And we all know what that's supposed to mean! Steven Redgrave's first rowing coach was totally into him because he though he had big feet. Yeah, Steven, dude totally wanted your big *AHEM* feet. Heh, heh...heh.
You guys get that I'm implying Steven Redgrave's coach thought he had a big dick, right? Because I'd hate for such a subtle, highbrow joke like that to go over your heads. You know, because dick jokes are never not funny. That's just comedy science, that is.
So anyway, imagine my intense intrigue (read: mild interest) when I noticed the following headline on ESPN.com - Height makes right: British Olympic officials seek tall people. Sounds positively scintillating, doesn't it? Tell on, anonymous Associated Press writer...
Answering a nationwide appeal for tall people with athletic potential, more than 50 prospective Olympic athletes have been placed in British training programs for the2012 London Games.
I'm pretty sure that in England the main indicator of British athletic potential - itself a bit of a contradiction in terms - was, you know, "being tall." So "tall people with athletic potential" might be a tad redudant over in the UK. I mean, that's all that John Amaechi brought to the table, and he's probably Britain's most famous athlete.
Clarification One: I am NOT, I repeat NOT, making fun of Mr. Amaechi's homosexuality. I am instead making fun of the fact that he was pretty terrible at basketball.
Clarification Two: The fact that I'm calling John Amaechi Britain's most famous athlete might be read as a culturally ignorant, typically American dismissal of soccer. That is incorrect. It's actually a carefully-considered, stereotypically American "fuck you" to soccer. There also might be some jingoism in there, I'm not sure.
More than 3,800 people applied to be part of the "Sporting Giants" project. They were tested for their skills in four Olympic sports -- rowing, handball, beach volleyball and indoor volleyball.
Britain...not even bothering to pretend they could field a basketball team. At least they're not completely delusional.
"There are so many people out there who don't know how good they could be at sports they've probably not even thought about," UK Sport talent identification manager Chelsea Warr said Thursday.
For the record, I've already thought about all the sports I'm awesome at. Like autoracing? Dude, it's not like you need to parallel park or nothing in Formula One. Football? I mean, how hard can punting be, really? And that shit totally counts as football. I've played more than enough Mario 64 to be a professional gamer (I even found the weird room and everything!). I mean, they haven't come out with anything since Nintendo 64, so I'm set, right?
Also, sepak takraw looks like fun, its rampant showboating notwithstanding.
"This was a mild shake of the tree. We looked under a few rocks and look what we found."
Wait, have the Olympics revived the Mixed Metaphors event? Because that one shows potential, even if a tree and a rock are somewhat related spatially thinking. What about "We're not jumping off the sinking ship until the cows come home" in reference to how hard you're looking for athletes? Or maybe "The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree when you take the road less traveled" when discussing...well, I have no idea what that would be discussing. Sort of the whole point of mixed metaphors, really.
Stuart Campbell, 25, gave up his job as a personal trainer to join the British Handball Academy in Denmark.
"I had never even seen a handball court before Sporting Giants," Campbell said. "But we're not just here to make up the numbers -- we're here to win medals."
Yeah...keep telling yourself that, Stuart. You do realize they don't give participation medals, right? Well, not since Eddie the Eagle, in any case, who incidentally doubles as Britain's most famous Olympian. I'll just let that one sink in.
Frances Nicholls, 23, who had been working as a teacher in York, has now relocated to Henley, home of Britain's most famous rowing regatta, after being fast-tracked onto Britain's national rowing program.
"It's been an absolute whirlwind," Nicholls said.
From York...to Henley? God, it's all glitz and glamor for the British Olympic Rowing Team. I have no idea how they all haven't had heart attacks from the excitement. Well, that and the fact that all the British Olympians are probably horribly out-of-shape. That could also cause heart attacks, especially if they're being expected to compete on an international stage with actual, you know, athletes. You know, from countries where the strategy goes beyond "Let's find some of them tall gits!"
So yeah, massive global pressure and the Henley nightlife. Very equivalent things, both causing heart attacks in British Olympians. I'll say it if no one else will.
Male candidates had to be taller than 6-3, while female candidates needed to be taller than 5-11.
Dear lord...Britain's is trying to recreate the Potsdam Giants! You remember them, right? They were that Prussian regiment that King Frederick William I started back in the 1700s? He basically went around kidnapping lots of tall people, including monks and priests, to be his soldiers so that he would scare the shit out of the enemy. A lot of them were "only" around 5'11", which was pretty tall at the time, but he actually had a few seven-footers in there. Actually, most of them suffered from crippling gigantism, making them unfit for battle, so the Potsdam Giants never did anything more intimidating than make the opposing army think something was wrong with their depth perception. Which has it uses, but still.
Also, he himself was 4'11", so I leave you to draw your own conclusions about why he was so obsessed with having giants in his army. Although I will submit this quote as evidence: "The most beautiful girl or woman in the world would be a matter of indifference to me, but tall soldiers--they are my weakness." But before you dismiss old Frederick William as a height-fetishizing old coot, do know that he would make them march for him regularly, even if he was on his sickbed, and that usually they were led in the marching by their mascot...a fucking bear. So he may have been a height-fetishizing old coot, but at least he had the common decency to be awesomely insane about it.
But even so, this is how the road to eugenics begin. You randomly decide tall people are better than one thing, and then you decide they're better at all things. Hey, tall people can reach higher shelves...let's make them our librarians! Hey, tall people can push reach their arms slightly further down clogged drains...our plumbers they shall be! And I think everyone knows that as go librarians and plumbers, so goes the nation. Basically, my message to British people of average height: start running, because the British government is committed to breeding a superhuman race of taller people. Oh, the humanity!
However, six candidates who exaggerated their height on the initial application form were still tested and have since been placed in Britain's canoeing squad.
Or not. Stupid Brits, got to always reward moxie and motherfucking pluck. Those are short people traits, Brits! Come on, either you're into eugenics or you're not. There's no halfway!
Five-time Olympic rowing champion Steve Redgrave said looking for potential medal-winners based on their physical attributes was a policy that had served Britain well before.
I'll level with you: long digressions about eugenics and Prussian military history aside, the main reason I went to the trouble of writing this post is coming up. I think you'll agree with me when I say this proves I am twelve-years-old.
"I never thought I would row until my first coach came along and asked me to have a go," Redgrave said. "Years later I asked him 'Why did you pick me?'
Yes, Steven, why were you picked?
"He said, 'Well, you had big hands and big feet."
And we all know what that's supposed to mean! Steven Redgrave's first rowing coach was totally into him because he though he had big feet. Yeah, Steven, dude totally wanted your big *AHEM* feet. Heh, heh...heh.
You guys get that I'm implying Steven Redgrave's coach thought he had a big dick, right? Because I'd hate for such a subtle, highbrow joke like that to go over your heads. You know, because dick jokes are never not funny. That's just comedy science, that is.
Friday Frenzy: There Will Be Posts
Sorry for taking the day off yesterday...I'm still on pace to write five for the week, but I sort of frontloaded them all in the first couple of days and then needed to recharge. Well, I'm ready and raring to go, so let me promise you one thing...
THERE WILL BE POSTS. As in multiple. Big ones. It'll be fun.
Also, this may be, in fact, NO BLOG FOR OLD MEN. I think that means I'm going to make fun of Murray Chass. I guess we'll find out together.
ARCHIE OUT!!!
THERE WILL BE POSTS. As in multiple. Big ones. It'll be fun.
Also, this may be, in fact, NO BLOG FOR OLD MEN. I think that means I'm going to make fun of Murray Chass. I guess we'll find out together.
ARCHIE OUT!!!
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