Murders & Executions Mergers & Acquisitions

Note: We're using "we" here not because we fancy ourselves neo-Leitcheans, but because this post is being co-written by Archie Micklewhite and Djmmm.

We talked briefly about expanding our horizons. But it has been our steadfast commitment to not do serious over here at Fire Everybody and to try to keep it at least tangentially sports related and/or delightfully meta/masturbatory. Except when it comes to that cockgobbling, motherless fuck Buzz Bissinger. (Man, we hope he reads that on HBO some time. But seriously, Buzz, fuck you, man.)

In any case, we're gonna be writing and doing some quasi-serious stuff over at Djmmm's formerly personal blog, HialeahCrimson. Basically, Archie's joining Djmmm to write over there occasionally and it should be fun. We don't anticipate that it'll affect our output over here, but Dj's pretty proud of his work there, and we thought it'd be fun to do some non-sports stuff together, too. Yes, we're totally gay for each other, but only in a metaphorical, non-homosexual way. [Well, that what's we keeping telling ourselves - Archie.]

So this definitely isn't a breakup of the ol' band. It's just sort of a side project, and if you're so inclined you should totally check it out. If we were Chuck Klosterman, we're pretty sure we'd now launch into a detailed metaphor comparing the two blogs to the Allman Brothers Band and Gov't Mule. Well, we may be many things (at least Djmmm and Archie, at last count), but we're not Chuck Klosterman. Not here anyway. But at Hialeah Crimson? Who knows, or dares to dream...

And if you didn't get that veiled reference at the end there, you need to start watching Blackadder. Let us help:



That is all.


[Edit-- Was the following Blackadder bit in mind when we named this blog?]




[Double Edit: You bet your ass it was.]

WOoooooOoooooOOOoOO!11!!!!!!!!!ONEONEONEONE

As has been mentioned in this space, Archie is a Bulls fan and I'm a Heat fan. So things are looking up right now. Wooo! In fact, I'm breakin' out Happyman again.

Archie vs. Djmmm...it's a Fire Everybody Civil War!!!

For the record, I'm Iron Man, partially because there's no way a red-blooded American like Djmmm would let a Brit like me be Captain America, but also because that makes me Robert Downey, Jr., which would pretty much be the fucking balls.

In my last post, I wrote the following:

During the playoffs, this gets blurred because uncalled roughness is way less controversial than a ton of questionable foul calls (see Mr. Dwyane Wade, circa 2006).

To which Djmmm, a man of immense integrity and shameless Miami homerism, responded:

[Editor's note: If Archie, a Chicago fan, is going take a shot at Wade as if that was the only or first time anything like that ever happened, this editor is going to embed the following video:


Carry on.]

In his blind rage (a blindness no doubt caused by a natural onanistic reaction to Wade's awesomeness), Djmmm failed to notice two things...

1. I was merely noting the existence of a controversy surrounding the 2006 Finals. I was not passing any comment on said controversy, nor was I taking a shot at Dwyane Wade, who beyond this recent Star Jones thing seems like a pretty cool dude.
2. I was discussing the refs making too many calls. He then responded with a clip of a notorious non-call. Both of which are issues, yes, but I'd argue they're two clearly separate beasts.

Oh, and while we're here, I'll say that yes, of course Michael Jordan enjoyed preferential treatment and he almost definitely pushed off of Byron Russell. Hell, if it makes you feel better, I'll drop the "almost." I'd also argue that unless we're talking about something clearly, absolutely wrong (the Soviets getting an extra two seconds in the 1960 Olympics springs to mind), there comes a time where you've got to move on, and that time is probably by the start of the next season. I mean, it sucks and all that the game ended in such an unsatisfactory way, but what's the point in bitterness? It's not like the league is going to make them replay it, right?

So Jordan won in 1998, Wade won in 2006, and there really isn't that much point complaining about either result. Although - and here is where I either bury the hatchet or twist the knife, depending on how Djmmm reads this - you know who did get totally fucking jobbed by bad officiating?



In case any of you actually watched that all the way through - and I have no idea why you would - I want to make it clear that I disagree with the video's conclusion:

Sorry Miami fans, Ohio State won fair and square.

I instead stand by the YouTube member who reposted the video:

The worst and most consequential call ever made by the dumb fuck ref. Lick shit

Who knew Chaucer had a YouTube account? Anyway...

We cool, Djmmm?



Hey guys. Passive Voice here. Just checking out this "write things in other people's posts" thing. Anybody wanna talk about hockey? Me neither.

We got Sussed!

And now a short skit...

Archie: Remember, my readership, when I promised to stop making self-indulgent meta-posts about the site?
My readership: That's right, Archie. You did.
Archie: I lied.

That skit has actually already been adapted into a movie. Of course, typical Hollywood, they had to embellish all the details...



You know what? One bite-sized Arnold clip deserves another.



Ah...that's the stuff. You know, when I set out on this whole blogging thing, I had a five-step plan for world domination. As you can see, my plan has been a year in the making...

1. Get my random stats posted in a comment on Fire Joe Morgan.



Check.

2. Wait a year to allow that incisive commentary to simmer, all the while studying my chosen trade through talking to blogging experts like Dak...and Dolph Lundgren.



Check.

3. Con the nice people at Harper Collins into giving me an interview with Will Leitch just to get a commenting account and a link from Deadspin in what was easily the most Machiavellian thing I've ever done. Well, Machiavellian in the sense that I laughed evilly to myself a lot.



Check. No...checkmate.

4. Join commenting community at Fire Jay Mariotti, filling the all-important role of "possibly coked-out commenter who writes rambling comments full of impenetrable references." Also win their apparently now defunct Reader Extra Participation Friday contest.



Czech.

5. Totally weird out an actual sports blogger.



Oh, that's a big check.

Some of you may remember my "bloggers discuss Mark Cuban" post from awhile back, which represented...
A) A particularly shameless attempt to get linked from Deadspin again
B) A somewhat failed experiment in that most venerable of sports blogging genres, the fake skit

Well, it (rightfully) didn't get Deadspun, I somewhat regretted writing it in the first place, and I figured that was the end of it. Until this happened. Turns out Deadspin weekend daddy and blogger extraordinaire Matt Sussman stumbled upon our site, which I'm pretty sure makes him the first person I've made fun of to actually find out about it (although a stray IP address from ESPN HQ gives me hope that ol' Gene Wojciechowski is secretly reading).

When I found out about this, I did what any blogger with integrity would do - sent him an email thanking him for the link, apologizing profusely for any offense caused, and offering to take the post down. Like I said, integrity. But thanks to links both on his site, The Futon Report, and another in a Deadspin thread, we got a few more dozen readers, which was nice. The whole affair also gave me a few more quotes of praise for our humble blog...

"A good reason never to Google your own name." - Matt Sussman

In response to Sussman's inquiry into who wrote the Mark Cuban post:
"Not me. I have a life." - Deadspin commenter UkraineNotWeak

Anyway, with all that fun out of the way, some site news...

1. We'll be putting up an email address in case you want to contact us with tips, compliments, criticisms, or what have you. I've also put up my individual address in case you want to reach me personally.

2. Anonymous commenting is now enabled. So if you'd like to share your thoughts without giving us the vital information of your Blogger ID with which we could so easily hunt you down over the merest slight...well yeah, now you can.

3. There's also a list of links up there. Because if we don't support this whole "Deadspin" thing, it might not catch on, and so we thought we'd do our bit to boost their flailing traffic.

4. Gimmicks, gimmicks, gimmicks! Like 52 52 52? Of course you do! Well there's plenty more where that came from, and hopefully I'll be rolling out the next one sometime next week. Hell, we're even in negotiations with an actual, honest-to-goodness journalist to blog for our site. More info from that if and when there's anything to report.

And to all our (as many as ten) readers...thanks for reading, everybody. You're the one "everybody" that I'd never, ever fire.

And...REST...

All told, I'd say we had a pretty successful Favre Frenzy, this being our fifteenth post. Still waiting on a Peter King post, but otherwise I think we've covered most of the bases. There's one more article I think I'll look at tomorrow, but for now? Well, let's just recap what we've already accomplished...

0. Long before Favre (sorry, Farve) even retired, we were making fun of dumb columns about him.
1. I got things started with a truly horrific mental image
2. Djmmm co-kicked things off with a timely Frank Caliendo reference. But is there any other kind?
3. Passive Voice was excited. No, seriously, that was the whole post. Although I edited the labels and an ethical quandary ensued.
4. I noticed this all might be a little premature, if a certain reporter's track record is anything to go by.
5. I checked in with my old friends at The Sun Herald, the journalistic pride of Biloxi, MS.
6. Passive took a look at some vintage Peter King.
7. The Sun Herald's Jim Mashek offered his local silliness up for me to make fun of. I made the most of it.
8. I had to run to class, so I did a quickie YouTube link. Not bad though, even if it's a year old.
9. I went a little overboard as my rage at media finally bubbled over.
10. I apologize the only way I know how - with another YouTube video.
11. I noted that this is the day people will have to look back to in order to understand Peter King's undying hatred for Kyrgyzstan.
12. Djmmm told us his favorite Favre story and called upon our millions (dude, it's trillions - we have a huge fanbase in Proxima Centauri, and you know how overpopulated those fuckers are) of readers to find the appropriate YouTube link.
13. Larry B over at Fire Jay Mariotti beat me to a Dr. Z article, so I threw in a picture of Superman and called off my attack dogs.
14. One last post about those lovable lugs over at The Sun Herald, where I finally find common ground between Favre lovers and Favre haters and all in between: seriously, fuck PETA.
15. I do a ridiculously self-referential post that serves only to clog up the series of tubes that I call the interblog.

And to Brett Favre, may I just say...good night, sweet prince. You strike me as a big Hamlet and/or The Big Lebowski fan, so I'm sure you'll doubly appreciate that one.

Cindy McCain > Sportswriting Deconstruction...who'da thunk it?

So I keep some stats on how many people manage to trip along down the specific intertube to our little blog here. I'm immensely proud of how many hits we get, although I became somewhat less immensely proud when I filtered out my own IP address. (It turns out I was responsible for about 75% of the page views, not unlike the new Indy trailer.) But either way, after the craziness that was The Day That Which We Was Deadspun, I figured our stats would remain at the handful or so a day that is still more than enough to make me feel like committing hours of my life to this is definitely worthwhile. Especially since apparently one of our visitors was using ESPN's Bristol server. Actually, Sean Salisbury was fired right after that. Coincidence? I think NOT. So yeah...hi Sean! Glad to know you're reading.

So anyway, imagine my surprise when I checked my stats and discovered 235 visitors yesterday. I was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you to discover that had happened without me even realizing. I mean, I'll stand by the genius of Passive Voice's weekly Peter King posts as much as the next guy, but that's one helluva spike. And then I checked where the referring links were from.

You see, the other day in my 52 52 52 post about Rhode Island sportswriter Bill Reynolds, I had, in a move totally germane to the topic at hand, linked to the following picture of possible future First Lady Cindy McCain:



It turns out almost all of those 235 visitors were people who had been googling that image of John and Cindy McCain and had no other reason to stop by our little blog. So apparently the number of people who spend their time on the Internet randomly searching for moderately sexy pictures of the woman who might be our First Lady utterly dwarfs those who spend it reading about how weird Ray Ratto is. And people think our nation's priorities are out of whack...

Friday Frenzy: There Will Be Posts

Sorry for taking the day off yesterday...I'm still on pace to write five for the week, but I sort of frontloaded them all in the first couple of days and then needed to recharge. Well, I'm ready and raring to go, so let me promise you one thing...

THERE WILL BE POSTS. As in multiple. Big ones. It'll be fun.

Also, this may be, in fact, NO BLOG FOR OLD MEN. I think that means I'm going to make fun of Murray Chass. I guess we'll find out together.

ARCHIE OUT!!!

Quickie Meta Post...

I'll usually try to dial down the posting about ourselves stuff, but since this was quite a week for us, in that it was both our first and our biggest...well, I hope you'll begrudge me this one post.

I can't speak for my beloved partners in crime (especially that badass motherfucker Passive Voice, who seriously is one badass motherfucker), but my plan is to write a substantial post every weekday, including the next entry in the award-eligible "52 52 52" series. I'll try to post some odds and ends elsewhere (I'm working on one such right now), but that'll hopefully give you a sense of what to look out for. Honestly, I'm just trying to keep some sort of pace with Ken Tremendous, who has written more posts in the last few days than I have while taking care of a newborn child. That man truly is tremendous.

Oh, and feel free to leave comments if you have any compliments, concerns, critiques, or just generally think we're full of shit. We'd love to have a little community of anonymous basement-dwellers here at Fire Everybody, because there are only so many Joss Whedon appreciation events I can make each year and I really need to interact with people between meet-ups with ShadowChild2468 and SummerInTheGlau81. No, they won't tell me their real names; they're afraid my slightly off-putting nature is because I'm some Academy-created assassin, but that's a gorram lie. I'm just cripplingly awkward.

Huh...this post appears to have devolved into semi-autobiographical ramblings, so it's probably just time to call things a day. I'll be back soon to make fun of Chipper Jones...and why not?