Sunday, September 7, 2008

52 52 52 Week #29: Illinois

In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I can't help but find this whole 52 52 52 endeavor remarkably similar to the video below...

Although, to be fair, I grunt way more than that. I'm talking female tennis player levels of gruntitude. What can I say? I'm a loud worker.

I'm also from Illinois (and, by that, I mean I lived there for the first eight years of my life I actually remember), which makes today's entry rather near and dear to my heart. So let's do our best and give a shout out to everybody's favorite 1325-foot highpoint, Charles Mound:

1. It's described as a "gentle" slope. Why are all our nation's highpoints so damn uninspiring?

2. It's "within the Driftless Area, a region of Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota, and Wisconsin, centering on Dubuque, Iowa, that was not covered or ground down by the last continental glaciers." I don't know how interesting that is, but "the Driftless Area" sounds rather badass. Kinda mystical or something. Not really sure. I probably am reading too much Lord of the Rings. By which I of course mean any amount of Lord of the Rings.

3. A couple called the Wuebbels own the land, and they only let people on it four times a year due to theft concerns. That might sound reasonable, but I feel likely this is just part of a larger anti-whippersnapper agenda. Possibly also an expansion of the "get off my lawn" mantra. I'm not sure. Incidentally, I have no reason to assume the Wuebbels are old. I am, in fact, an asshole.

Now, since we're talking Illinois, I really feel I've got to go straight to the source of Illinois's greatest journalistic talent, one Mr. William "F. Buckley" Leitch. That's right people, we're off to Mattoon! Woot! Let's see the sort of sterling journalism that inspired the world's greatest emeritus sports blogger. Journal Gazette scribe Brian Nielsen, the floor is yours. Hit me with your best shot!

Some good signs are there for EIU's offense

Knowing Leitch, I bet this is going to involve breasts. Or some form of pep talk from Ron Zook. I also can't rule out the Arizona Cardinals being involved in some capacity. Maybe the spirit of Barbaro and/or Isaiah Thomas's career? Let's find out together!

Passing the 1,000-yard rushing mark in his career, Travorus Bess might just be showing Eastern Illinois fans he can be the feature running back.

Oh, a running back. How blase. How bland. How old media. How...actual. Frankly, I would have expected something far less relevant.

“I don’t think that was ever a question,” Bess said after running for 183 yards in Eastern’s 47-21 loss at Illinois Saturday. “For some reason, I’ve just seem to always be injured.”

If I may take a moment from pretending to be amazed the Journal Gazette of Mattoon doesn't precisely mimic Will Leitch's writing style, I really need to parse that quote. To whit...

1. If Mr. Bess is, as he puts it, always injured, isn't that precisely why there's a question whether he can be a featured back?

2. Get out your [sic]'s, people, because that second sentence is on the syntactical warpath. Even if I look past the split infinitive, which is something I choose to gladly do (META ALERT!!!), there's still the whole "I've just seem" bit, which can be simplified to "I have seem." Ooh boy. That tense construction ain't right.

3. I guess that's it really. I just really don't like bad grammar.

Just think when the Panthers have Florida transfer Chevon Walker to go with him in a couple of weeks.

Yeah, just think! Tell me more, Brian Nielsen!

Still, Eastern shows reasons for concerns.

And...that's the article. That was it. All four or five (depending on how you chop up the quote) sentences of it.

Yes...I think I can see why Leitch might have left. Although I do feel pretty proud of myself for getting through an entire column like that. I'm a regular reading rainbow, I am. Hmm...

See Brian Nielsen’s column in Monday’s JG/T-C.

Sir, you just gained yourself a reader!

1 comment:

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