52 52 52 Week #2: Rhode Island

In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.

Before I start, I just wanted to announce I'm still working on that Murray Chass post - I can't quite decide whether it's egregious enough to warrant its own column. Somehow, Murray didn't completely fuck up an article about Moneyball, which you would think would be like shooting fish in a barrel. But somehow, Murray wildly took aim and hit on a reasonably decent article.

In the meantime, let's talk Rhode Island's beautiful Jerimoth Hill, rising to a majestic 812 feet. Some fast facts...

1. Its highpoint was inaccessible for years because this dude Henry Richardson wouldn't let people go there. Not that he owned the point itself - Brown University holds that particular property - but a piece of his land was the only path up there. What piece of land? His driveway.

2. To be fair, he had tolerated such trespassers for years, but years of abuse of his permissiveness forced his hand. To also be fair, Mr. Richardson, according to Wikipedia, "became known for insulting, threatening or even using violence against visitors who tried to use his road." I just hope this involved giving someone a serious ass-forking, as God (sometimes known as Simpsons writer Matt Selman) intended.

3. Because of all this, people once considered Jehimoth Hill a more inaccessible peak than Mount McKinley, which also doubles as the highest point in North America. To put this in perspective, Mt. McKinley is twenty-fives times taller than Jehimoth Hill. So apparently Henry Richardson is tougher than the Alaskan winter. I hope he puts that on his resume.

With all that highpoint drama out of the way, let's look at an example of Rhode Island's sterling journalism. Our representative comes from The Providence Journal, which was first published in 1829, making it the oldest continually published daily newspaper in these United States. That's quite a feat, and I can confidently say their success has nothing to do with this article by Bill Reynolds. The whole thing is a list of various mini-topics, which is good because I feel a little scattershot myself.

If you’re a basketball purist and you want to vomit, watch an NBA All-Star Game.

You can find this advice on the wall at the NBA Purist's Sports Bar and Grille on 59th Street. If you're gonna eat the uncooked prawns, it's advice that could save your life. Admittedly, it's pretty dickish to say in any other context, so...well, Bill Reynolds, let's just say I'm giving you an official warning on the dickery front.

It’s all there. The lack of intensity. Treating basketball as if it’s a show, not a game. And defense? The AndI Tour might have more defense.

Let's not go crazy here. Have you seen an And1 tour game? Well, I have, and by "I have," I of course mean "I just found a video on YouTube":



I'll buy the all-star game has less defense than a Globetrotters-Generals game, but I'm pretty sure the And1 tour's slogan is, "Defense...it's for pussies."

Also, it's And1, not AndI. Let's keep the Roman numerals to ourselves, shall we?

Want to know why there are so many kids today who have no clue how to play?

Because most kids suck at basketball? I will proudly proclaim that I'm fucking terrible at basketball. I have no clue how to play because I have absolutely no natural talent for it. Probably true of most people.

Want to know why no one seems to know what the rules are anymore, since they’ve been so bastardized for so many years now that the lines have all but been blurred beyond repair?

For the record, I don't really care about this. I'd say football has a way bigger issue with people not knowing the rules, what with all the bizarre little technicalities that can drastically affect games in a way that thoroughly confuses fans. I think I know the rules of basketball, although maybe refs don't enforce them particularly well (although sometimes that has nothing to do with ignorance). Where are you going with this, exactly?

Want to know why, as the players get bigger and stronger and are able to do wondrous athletic feats, the game itself seems somehow lessened?

Is it all the foreigners flopping? That sounds plausible, and if it's plausible that means it can't be xenophobic, right?

Check out an NBA All-Star Game, the game’s role models in their biggest showcase.

It’s all there.

Dude, why couldn't you have just blamed the foreigners? That would have been assholish, but I'm not sure I could have completely refuted that argument. But this? This is going to be easy.

You're blaming the ruination of the NBA game on the fact that all the impressionable kids watching "the game's role models" see a bunch of dudes not play defense and alley-oop it to themselves. I mean, that would make sense, assuming all the kids are watching that game. And you do say it's "their biggest showcase", so I have to assume that's the case.

Wait, what's that you say? All-star ratings are at an all-time low? Oh, well never mind then.

If I were the Patriots, I’d breathe a little easier if this Matt Walsh scenario went away.

Helluva point you got there. You're saying if the potential key to a scandal that could actually result in Bill Belichick being suspended for an entire year suddenly went away, the Patriots would be happy with this? Thank goodness you're getting paid to come up with these gems.

And yes, that was his entire fucking point.

You’ve got too much time on your hands, Bunky, if you’re spending a lot of time watching Red Sox spring training on television.

Who is Bunky? Are you talking to me? Dude, my name is Archie Micklewhite, not Archie Bunker. Although I do often get mistaken for Archie Bunker, what with my virulent racism and hanging jowls. I'm just kidding folks - my jowls are rock hard.

Unless you think watching pitchers jog in the outfield is a spectator sport.

Dude, it's February. It's a tough month, what with almost nothing going on in sports. At least these people aren't doing anything completely fucking crazy.

Only a cynic would say that John McCain’s approval went up with young people with the allegation he had an improper relationship with a lobbyist.

So, um, are you a cynic, Bill Reynolds? Do you think that? I don't get what I'm supposed to understand from this point. Also, let's take a look at Cindy McCain...



Are we sure John McCain's marriage isn't an improper relationship? And for the record, I'm not a cynic; I'm a pervert.

Although in Washington, you can make a case that any relationship with a lobbyist should be improper.

BURN!!! Take that, Washington!!! Bill Reynolds just pwned your ass. What's that feeling you feel? That would be Bill Reynolds fucking your shit up. You're welcome, Washington.

Seriously, fucking fat cats. So glad someone finally has the balls to stand up to them.

Budget cuts are a little like nuclear power plants: No one wants them in their backyard.

I dunno, I could do without that extra shed. Damned if I ever use it - I mean, who needs both a tool shed and a mulch shed?

*WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR AN OBLIGATORY MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE.*

Other than Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson, of course.



*THANK YOU. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED POST.*

Anyway, I'd be up for a budget cut in my backyard. Sometimes you just have to take the hit, stock up some draft picks for quality seedlings down the road, and rebuild your backyard to remain competitive in this salary cap era for backyards. You can't always afford to pay the luxury tax on your John Deere, is all I'm saying.

Also, I'm pretty sure my backyard is Three Mile Island. If I'm following what Bill Reynolds is saying, is that something I should be concerned about? Honestly, I haven't left my basement since March 27, 1979, so thus far I haven't really had any cause for concern. Eh, I'm sure things are fine.

You know spring is just around the corner when there’s already been a Manny sighting.

Yeah, and thank god we didn't see Manny's shadow, or else there would be six more weeks of winter. Wait...what?

And you know that too many young actresses have overdosed on Girls Gone Wild videos when even Madonna now seems almost staid.

No arguing our young starlets are a little out of control, but is it really because Jamie-Lynn Spears grew up watching Girls Gone Wild videos that she's now busy recreating the plot of Juno, only in a universe horrifically bereft of the bountiful glory that is Michael Cera? Girls Gone Wild has about as much to do with Lindsay Lohan's coke* addiction as...I don't know, what's a comparably shitty thing...let's see, about as much as the NBA All-Star game has to do with a general decrease in fundamentals. No idea where I came up with that analogy, but I guess it'll do.

*that would be a former coke addiction**

**also alleged former coke addiction

Curt Schilling is psychologically incapable of staying in the background very long.

Man, that dude has got Curt Schilling nailed! With pioneering journalistic insight like that, it's a wonder that he languishes at the Providence Journal. Seriously, get this fucker on...well, I would say Baseball Tonight, but I think the joke works better if I reference something whose analysts are, you know, competent.

I love that Bill feels that statement is apparently pithy enough to not need any further elaboration whatsoever. Couldn't you have at least mentioned his Everquest addiction? Because that shit is never not hilarious.

If you’re looking for an interesting novel about being undercover for the FBI, check out The Judas Horse, by April Smith.

Um, OK, I will. Although I think I'm going to need a second opinion from Amazon.com reviewer NoGoodDeed:

I love crime novels, and can't think of too many other books that so expertly capture the ins and outs of Bureau work as do April Smith's. Despite the rather spooky and off-putting cover image of a faceless horse, and the somewhat off-the-wall subject matter (domestic terrorism to protect wild mustangs?), "Judas Horse" is one of the best thrillers so far this year. (I think the word "mystery" on the jacket lumps the book into the P.D. James/Elizabeth George traditional mystery-type novels, which this definitely is not.)

I've said it once, I'll say it again - NoGoodDeed is gold. And as long as it's not like any of that P.D. James/Elizabeth George traditional mystery-type bullshit, I'm on board. You win this round, Bill Reynolds.

Don’t be surprised if Joba Chamberlain hits the sophomore slump.

But will you be surprised if he doesn't? Is this a prediction, or just a random statement that you can ignore if it doesn't pan out but pat yourself on the back for if you're correct? Or, to put it another way...a prediction? Ooh, let me try one!

Don't be surprised if Bill Reynolds someday makes an interesting point.

Yeah, I'm guessing I won't be printing up oracular business cards anytime soon. Although if they'd help me get babes, I guess I'd be willing to fudge my credentials...

There’s no truth to the rumor that the movie There Will Be Blood is about the Friars season.

Hey man, back the fuck off There Will Be Blood. That's what I reference. I mean, I mean...that's like referencing There Will Be Blood is my milkshake, and you're like standing over there with this straw, and the straw reaches across the room, and so it's like you, Bill Reynolds, are drinking my referencing-TWBB milkshake!

You see, Bill Reynolds? Don't fuck with me on this. I'm too good.

Once upon a time, back in the late 1950s, Bill Sharman of the Celtics used to go to a high school gym on the morning of games and shoot around, even though his teammates thought he was crazy. Sharman brought the idea with him to the Lakers when he coached there in the early ’70s, and now every pro and college team in the country has morning shootarounds. Go figure.

You mean I should figure out that a popular and successful coach instituted a practice with an incredibly successful team and that other teams copied him? Yeah, go fucking figure.

Twenty-eight years ago yesterday was the “Miracle on Ice,” the day the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Russians.

Kinda cool, I guess. 28 isn't really all that round of a number. Why'd you mention it?

And Mike Eruzione has been living off it ever since.

Ah, dude, that's not cool. To quote that dude in that YouTube video..."Leave Mike Eruzione alone!" That may not have been exactly what he said, but that was the gist.

I have no doubt that if Roger Clemens could have a do-over, he would have fessed up when Andy Pettitte did.

Uh huh. Interesting point. No, I'm serious, I'd like to hear more about this. I'm not sure I buy it, considering how consistently evasive he's been, but I guess you could argue that's just because he long ago passed the point of no return. Hmm...I'd like to hear more. Care to elaborate?

Both Hillary and the Rams peaked too soon.

Oh. Fuck it then.

Forget Barack Obama. Odds are Hillary couldn’t beat Hannah Montana.

Well, other than the fact that Miley Cyrus is constitutionally barred from running for president, considering she's not 35, yeah, no way Hillary could beat her. Although I think that still means she'd be able to beat Rudy Guiliani.

Yeah...fuck that guy.

The Celtics still need a backup point guard.

To quote lazy commenters everywhere...

/fixed

In the recent Dime magazine Charles Barkley called Kevin McHale the best he ever played against.

What the hell is this list supposed to be? Is this supposed to be a collection of tidbits you've noticed over the past week towards which you want to point fellow sports enthusiasts? You know, a link dump? Bill, you do realize that if you're trying to do a link dump, you really need to include, you know, links?

Like this...

In the recent Dime magazine

See? That wasn't so bad.

Kelvin Sampson must have missed the ethics seminar.

Man, will you listen to this guy? He's a regular Don Rickles or some shit.

Not that there’s one given in Rhode Island, understand.

That's about the twentieth reference to local Rhode Island sports, something I can't really blame him for, considering my entire point here is to rip on local sports journalists. Hell, for all I know, he's one of the most insightful guys around when it comes to the ins and outs of, say, Providence Friars basketball.

Nah...

I'd follow Mitch Albom anywhere no matter how off-topic...

You remember how I said I wasn't going to write a post about Jason Whitlock's thoughts on the Oscars? Turns out I was just thinking of the wrong Sports Reporter.

I'm not going to watch the Oscars tonight.

Good for you...it was pretty boring, as usual, although I think Jon Stewart was pretty good under the circumstances. Of course, I'm a massive Daily Show fan, so I'm biased. I know my beloved fellow poster Djmmm46 (old Djemmie!) hated him, but hey...it's hastily written comedy performed in front of the worst crowd imaginable. Kind of hard to judge.

Normally I do. But I've spent enough time and money on the most depressing, dark and disturbed lineup of movies I ever can remember. I don't need to see them get rewarded.

He's totally right - this year's films were fucking badass. You remember the milkshake scene? C'mon, you fucking remember the milkshake scene.



DRAINAGE!!! Sorry, where was I? Oh yes...

Am I the only one who remembers when they actually gave Oscars to movies that had happy endings?

Hmm, let's see (spoiler alert!)...
2006's The Departed: everyone except Alec Baldwin and Marky Mark gets killed.
2005's Crash: everybody either dies or has their life shattered, final scene is proof that racism will always continue as long as road rage exists ("Speak American!" is the kind of slogan even John Rocker can get behind).
2004's Million Dollar Baby: Clint Eastwood kills somebody and for some strange reason doesn't feel totally awesome about it, which is a definite departure from, well, every other film he's ever made.



2003's The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: I have no idea how this ends...I fell asleep somewhere around the fifth epilogue. Although I heard Frodo got taken to some mystical afterlife bullshit. Kinda bittersweet, if you ask me, even if evil was essentially annihilated.
2002's Chicago: Never seen it, but it basically ends with two murderesses who hate each other getting off scot free. And I'm sure Mitch Albom, a law-and-order kind of guy, would not consider such immorality a happy ending.
2001's A Beautiful Mind: A guy who is crazy ends up being respected and honored but is still basically crazy. This is the closest we've come to a happy ending thus far, and this film prominently involves electroshocking Russell Crowe. Actually, you're starting to talk me into it.
2000's Gladiator: The hero dies and hallucinates about his dead family before he does so. Also the Roman empire is bizarrely abolished two hundred years early in favor of a restored Republic, probably creating some hellish alternate universe where Rome never falls like that one episode of Star Trek. (Yes, I know it was an alien planet, not an alternate universe. As though that somehow makes more sense.)
1999's American Beauty: Kevin Spacey gets shot by a militant homophobe and he never even has sex with Mena Suvari. Now that's a modern tragedy.
1998's Shakespeare in Love: Shakespeare doesn't get the girl as she leaves for a faraway land with a man she doesn't love. It's like Casablanca...with Shakespeare! Somehow, Casablanca plus Shakespeare equals lowest-common-denominate romantic pablum. I hate everything.
1997's Titanic: The ship fucking sinks. This is also the second film on this list where Leonard DiCaprio horribly dies. Not that I'm complaining.
1996's The English Patient: It's apparently a tragedy and Ralph Fiennes dies, I think, so not really a happy ending. Honestly, no one on the internet is willing to give away the ending of this decade-old film. I can see why Elaine hated it so much.
1995's Braveheart: Mel Gibson dies after being horribly tortured, which I'm sure was fun for him but isn't really a happy ending for the audience. Of course, as a Brit, I was rooting for Longshanks the whole time, mostly because he was played by Patrick McGoohan, and nobody fucks with Number Six...



Unfortunately, Sophie Marceau's Princess Isabelle totally messes up King Edward's victory by getting impregnated with William Wallace's child and whispering this news to the King as he dies. So nobody wins...except the French.
1994's Forrest Gump: Jenny dies. NEXT!
1993's Schindler's List: The fact that this might have the happiest ending yet (I mean, Schindler saves as many as he can and redeems himself in the process, and the final scene at the cemetery really illustrates how powerful the good he did really was)...well, that fucking terrifies me.
1992's Unforgiven: Clint seems a little more comfortable with killing everybody, but this film is way too morally ambiguous to have a clearcut happy ending.
1991's Silence of the Lambs: The most dangerous psychopathic cannibal alive escapes and resumes killing people. I don't think so.
1990's Dances with Wolves: The ending is pretty happy, I guess, but the whole "destruction of Native American civilization" thing puts a damper on the proceedings.
1989's Driving Miss Daisy: The movie ends with old people discussing being old. That's the closest we've gotten, considering neither of them are horrifically impaled at the end of the scene.
1988's Rain Man: Tom Cruise is less of an asshole and Dustin Hoffman is still autistic. Is that happy?
1987's The Last Emperor: China goes communist. It'll be a sad day in hell when I call that a happy ending.
Since we've now gotten to before my birth, I feel comfortable saying I don't remember when the Oscars gave the Best Picture award to films with happy endings. For what it's worth, I think you've got to go all the way back to Tom Jones from ninteen-sixty-fucking-three for the last film that goes out of its way to wrap things up happily for pretty much all its characters. Although Rocky has a pretty happy ending, I guess, considering it's a film about a loser.

I can't believe I'm going to keep going after that incredibly long and somewhat pointless exercise, but I've still got some bile to spew at Mitch Albom, so here we are.

There's not one happy ending in this lot -- unless you consider an unplanned teenage pregnancy resulting in someone else's adoption a happy ending. That's the big payoff in "Juno."

Let's see...the adoptive mother was healthy, financially secure, and a committed parent. The pregnancy was traumatic, of course, but Juno's parents were incredibly understanding. Oh, and it ended with Michael Cera and Ellen Page getting together, and I'd gladly switch places with either of them in that relationship. So yeah...pretty happy. Or are you such a black-and-white moralist that any unwed teen who accidentally gets pregnant must be condemned to a hellish existence forever as a punishment? In which case...fuck you, Mitch Albom.

Otherwise, you have "There Will Be Blood," in which a tyrannical oil baron destroys everyone and everything around him; "No Country for Old Men," in which a serial killer destroys everything and everyone around him; "Michael Clayton," in which greed gets nearly everyone killed, and "Atonement," in which a false accusation ruins the lives of all involved.

Um. Remind me again.

Why do we go to the movies?

I think it's to be entertained. You know what I found entertaining? The elemental force of badassery that is Anton Chigurh...



Oh, and I think being thought-provoked and transported elsewhere are legitimate reasons to see movies. Sure, I like the occasional happy film as much as the next guy. It's not as though Enchanted doesn't exist if I really need to be filled with cinematic sugar.

Now, I'm not a Pollyanna. I enjoy films. I collect them. And I understand that not every story ends with music swirling and heroes walking off into a sunset.

No, sometimes it ends with a dude dying from Lou Gehrig's disease while spouting quasi-profound bullshit to some random asshole. And by "random asshole", I of course mean "that specific asshole Mitch Albom."

Seriously, this is one of Morrie's pearls of wisdom: "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live." I'm supposed to be moved and enlightened by that horseshit? The Sphinx from Mystery Men came up with better stuff than that, and even Ben fucking Stiller was able to work out he was just spinning formulaic bullshit. That's right. A Mystery Men reference. Deal with it.

But lately there's this sense that unless a movie is dark, violent and hopeless, it can't be "real." It can't be "art." It can't truly "matter." I put these words in quotes because it feels as if critics and awards committees define things that way.

That's not really fair. Juno and Knocked Up were both critically lauded and pretty upbeat, but of course since they don't show Ellen Page and Katherine Heigl being burnt at the stake or crushed between two rocks for their wanton lust, they can't possibly count. The Great Debaters did reasonably well with critics and highlights a moment of triumph in race relations during a difficult period. Charlie Wilson's War is supposed to be pretty fun. Once is hopeful even if it's a little melancholy. And what about Ratatouille? Or the previously mentioned Enchanted, for that matter?

I mean, I do think there are tons of dark films at the moment, and considering the current cultural milieu, I'm not exactly surprised. But I'll avoid any generalizing pop sociology bullshit of my own and just say that there are plenty of happy movies being made.

So instead of praise for, say, "The Bucket List," a film that everyone I know has loved and which has a positive message about getting old and sick, most critics attacked it as too "sentimental."

Right...because it was kinda cloying and sentimental. But then, you are the Tuesdays with Morrie dipshit, so I guess by your standards The Bucket List was emotionally austere like it was some kind of Erich Rohmer flick.

And anyway, if I want to see Jack Nicholson deal with old age and death, I'll watch About Schmidt, which at least has the common courtesy to throw in some hot Kathy Bates nudity. Ooh mama.

Meanwhile, we get an Oscar nomination for "The Savages," a movie about getting old and sick that is so depressing, you want to jump off a building.

Right...because getting old and sick is often very difficult when you're not a multi-millionaire. This reflects reality and does so in a way that doesn't condescend its audience. Is this a film everyone will want to see? Of course not, and I wouldn't expect them to. But to imply it's somehow not artistically valid? Seriously, dude, fuck the shit off.

Instead of a single nomination for "The Great Debaters," a historic and uplifting film, we get best actor, picture and director nominations for "No Country for Old Men," which sets a record for murders by a man carrying an air tank (which he uses to blow a hole in one victim's head, just so he can have his car).

You're right. That part was pretty awesome.

Here's a news flash: Killing without remorse doesn't make a story art. Cold and cynical dialogue doesn't make a story valuable.

That's true. Shoot 'Em Up obviously isn't art, although it is pretty sweet in a "I can't believe any film is this gleefully dumb" sort of way. It's when these films combine such violence with...oh, I don't know...let's say weirdness, dysfunction, and twisted irony that they become interesting.

It's no accident the films nominated this year, for the most part, didn't do much box office. People don't go to the movies to see weirdness, dysfunction or twisted irony.

Why you gotta go plagiarizing me, Mitch? And anyway, the Oscars is (at least theoretically) about rewarding the most artistically relevant films, not the most popular. The line admittedly gets really blurred and often its choices are total bullshit, which is why I don't particularly care either way about them, but don't blame the Oscars for not picking movies based on your own made-up criteria.

Most go to be entertained.

True. What's your point?

This doesn't mean that "Spider-Man 3" or "Shrek the Third" automatically should get Oscar nominations. But those films, at the top of the box office list last year, do share a good-guys-win ending. There's a reason people gravitate to that.

They also featured lazy pop culture references and a ridiculous emo strut. Also, I'm pretty sure the main reason people went to see these films is because of that "three" in their title. You know, because the original movies were actually pretty good. (Although would it kill movie Spidey to make a wisecrack? Just once?)

And it wasn't always considered beneath the Academy to celebrate it. In 1973, "The Sting" won best picture, and "American Graffiti" and "A Touch of Class" also were nominated. In 1979, "Kramer vs. Kramer" won, and "Breaking Away" and "Norma Rae" were nominated. As late as 1994, "Forrest Gump" took the best picture honors. Today, it's hard to imagine that film would even get nominated. Too many cynics would call it sweet and hopeful.

Dude, Jenny died. From AIDS. Oh, but she was a druggie, so that's OK, right?

And I guess that's what I miss. Hope. If movies were meant to reflect only the real-life worst in us, why would we need them? We could use mirrors.

Certainly true in your case.

Don't misunderstand. I get the skill and patience these actors and directors have put in. I see the hard work, from the writing to the lighting. But the humanity Frank Capra or even Steven Spielberg celebrated is getting buried now, under this desire to explore the dark, the macabre and the dysfunctional.

Have you seen Mr. Smith Goes To Washington? There's a random sequence where the new senator Jefferson Smith reads an article he doesn't like and proceeds to beat up the entire Washington press corps...with no discernible consequences. And this in a film where his opponents are actively looking for any reason to destroy him. It's A Wonderful Life is about a dude who needs an angel to talk him out of committing suicide. Also Arsenic & Old Lace is about old people killing other old people. Face it, Mitch...if Frank Capra were working today, he'd be making No Country for Old Men. Or at least Intolerable Cruelty.

There's a moment in "No Country for Old Men" where Javier Bardem's character is about to cold-bloodedly kill yet another victim when the victim says, "You don't have to do this." And the character chuckles and says, "They always say the same thing."

And he does it anyhow.

Right...it's a statement about his psychosis and twisted moral code and the completely different way in which he views the world from other people. It's a brilliant line perfectly delivered. The fact that "he does it anyhow" is exactly the point, not some gratuitous exploitation.

I guess to the people who keep celebrating the worst of human nature, I would also say, "You don't have to do this." But they're gonna do it anyhow. All I can do is spend the three hours tonight watching something else.

May I suggest Oprah Winfrey Presents: Mitch Albom's For One More Day, where "a suicidal former baseball player is granted one more day with his deceased mother." It's only two hours long, but I imagine you can spend the other hour working on 2010's surefire smash hit Untitled Mitch Albom/Adam Sandler Project, which I'm sure will be really uplifting and inspirational and also really artistic. How many gay panic jokes has Mr. Sandler requested, by the way?