An entirely original and not at all second-rate (we're fifth-rate, tops) blog dedicated to making fun of bad sports journalism AND referencing Blackadder II in the obscurest way possible.
Brett Favre has retired. Get ready for the journo-porn. As Frank Caliendo said as fake Madden:
Brett Favre is the greatest football player ever. Heck, he's the greatest human being ever! If he had both his arms and legs amputated, he'd be the best torso in football! Ha ha! BOOM!!!
Passive Voice, I think Peter King might have a thing (or 204,395) to say about this...
So I keep some stats on how many people manage to trip along down the specific intertube to our little blog here. I'm immensely proud of how many hits we get, although I became somewhat less immensely proud when I filtered out my own IP address. (It turns out I was responsible for about 75% of the page views, not unlike the new Indy trailer.) But either way, after the craziness that was The Day That Which We Was Deadspun, I figured our stats would remain at the handful or so a day that is still more than enough to make me feel like committing hours of my life to this is definitely worthwhile. Especially since apparently one of our visitors was using ESPN's Bristol server. Actually, Sean Salisbury was fired right after that. Coincidence? I think NOT. So yeah...hi Sean! Glad to know you're reading.
So anyway, imagine my surprise when I checked my stats and discovered 235 visitors yesterday. I was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you to discover that had happened without me even realizing. I mean, I'll stand by the genius of Passive Voice's weekly Peter King posts as much as the next guy, but that's one helluva spike. And then I checked where the referring links were from.
You see, the other day in my 52 52 52 post about Rhode Island sportswriter Bill Reynolds, I had, in a move totally germane to the topic at hand, linked to the following picture of possible future First Lady Cindy McCain:
It turns out almost all of those 235 visitors were people who had been googling that image of John and Cindy McCain and had no other reason to stop by our little blog. So apparently the number of people who spend their time on the Internet randomly searching for moderately sexy pictures of the woman who might be our First Lady utterly dwarfs those who spend it reading about how weird Ray Ratto is. And people think our nation's priorities are out of whack...
I'm just kidding; they're both pretty unremarkable. Maybe not utterly terrible - maybe, though I'm certainly willing to be convinced otherwise - but just really lame, especially considering Hashmarks is ESPN's ultra-cynical and ultra-halfassed attempt to cash in on blogs. The post in question is about Randy Moss. Shall we?
Over the years we've seen players take discounted salaries for a chance to play for winning teams. Randy Moss did it last season, and he'll apparently have to do the same thing to play for New England again in 2008.
NEWSFLASH! In the NFL in the salary cap era, players taking salary cuts to keep a large core of good players together is relatively commonplace. Certainly, it isn't news. Let's see what fresh insight Mike Sando can add to this.
I expected New England to use the franchise tag on Moss.
So, Mike Sando's main contribution thus far is to have been wrong. At least he has the decency to link to his own wrongness. I guess that should earn him points. But it doesn't really earn him any authority to predict what's next for Randy Moss. Fortunately, he's not going to do anything of the sort.
The Patriots apparently thought that would have been the wrong way to handle their Pro Bowl receiver. Their approach worked in the sense that Moss didn't immediately run out and take a deal elsewhere.
Is that really what we've reduced the definition of "worked" to? That it didn't immediately blow up in their face? Look, I know "worked" is a working word - it wasn't born with some fucking silver spoon in its mouth, like those effete assholes "silver" and "spoon" - and I know it probably has to work multiple definitions these days just to make ends meet...but c'mon, "worked", you know you can do better. I've heard "submarine" is hiring synonyms, and who doesn't want to tell the neighbors they're a word for something that's both Russian and nuclear-powered? "Worked", just send me your resume and we'll make something happen.
Also, I'm aware of the insanity of the phrases "'worked' is a working word" and "I know ['worked'] probably has to work multiple definitions." You either embrace absurdity or run for the hills. Or, in my case, run for the petri dishes. Heh, heh...it's funny because it doesn't make a horse's fart of sense. And that was funny because because it used a really immature but always hilarious word..."horse." And that was funny because of the misdirection - you totally expected me to say "fart" back there. And all of this is funny because callbacks are always funny. Hey, you know ouroboros?
Yeah...that was the comedy equivalent of that. Only less badass, because everything is less badass than a fucking dragon devouring itself.
Now, nearly three full days into free agency, it's fair to wonder how many teams are lining up for Moss' services. Nearly 48 hours have passed since we learned Moss would begin soliciting offers from other teams. Each day brings more questions than answers.
Since it has just broken that Moss is staying with the Patriots, you might think it's a tad unfair to give Sando too much crap for this post. I mean, hindsight is 20/20 and all that, and I really should be fair and cut him some slack. If you think that, you clearly have me confused with a human being, when in fact I'm just a fifth-generation copy of the Moneyball computer. You may know me better by my stage name...WINDOWS VISTA!!!
CRASH!!!
BURN!!!
(Still using XP over here...)
Anyway, let's answer the apparently unanswerable questions that Sando poses.
What is the market value for a guy who gives great effort under some circumstances (New England) but not other circumstances (Oakland)?
It would seem that it's three years, 27 million with the team he gave the great effort for. Considering Bernard Berrian, who is apparently the second-best wide receiver of the current free agent crop, just inked a 6 year, 42 mil contract with the Vikings, that sounds pretty reasonable. Especially when you factor in just how vast the difference in performance last year between Moss and Berrian really was. Of course, I'm not sure whether any of you have noticed this, but there's a slight difference between Tom Brady and Rex Grossman. For one thing, Rex Grossman doesn't hide his boredom when he fucks Gisele. That compassionate crap is for pussies who read Yeats and go hiking in subway stations and shit.
(By the way, I don't care if the Sex Cannon is passe. That whole run is still my fondest memory of the Bears. Sure, that's sad as all hell, but it beats the Rashaan Salaam themed night terrors.)
Would signing Moss to a massive contract impact the answer to that question?
Considering his previous, 8 year/75 mil contract spanned his great years with the Vikings, mediocre to terrible years with the Raiders, and transcendent year with the Patriots...I'd say no, a massive contract doesn't appear to affect Randy all that much. At least, there isn't much correlation there, considering he got paid pretty much the same however well or poorly he played. And yeah, I know he restructured it along the way, but much like communism in Clue, I think the money is just a red herring.
Also, I feel like sharing with you just one example of why Clue is possibly the single most underrated movie ever.
Ah, sweet elixir of life.
Is it unfair and misleading to bring up Oakland given the state of the Raiders during Moss' years with the team?
Look, the wide receiver position is pretty much the most teammate-dependent position in football, so I think it's probably at least a bit unfair to blame Moss too much for what went down in Oakland, especially considering just how piss poor the leadership of that franchise has become. I'm not going to delve very deeply into stats here (partly because I don't really trust WR stats, also because it's late and I don't want this to get any longer than it's already going to be), but Moss was probably Oakland's best receiver in 2005 and then was about equal with Ronald Curry in 2006. His stats are OK considering how terrible everything else was. There is the effort issue, but I really hate even discussing intangibles (even if Randy's attitude looked pretty fucking tangible at times).
If the Oakland years are relevant, or if you think Moss carries baggage in general, how many teams have the leadership to fit him into their system and get maximum effort from him, without the distractions?
If by "leadership" you mean "good quarterback", I'd say there are about ten or so teams with a high enough quality quarterback to keep Randy happy. Honestly, do the leadership qualities of a quarterback ever get questioned when he's playing well? Sorry, I'm being an idiot. Eli Manning magically transformed from the disinterested failure of a younger brother into an unflappable, Tiki-destroying son of Johnny Unitas (that's right, now his father's a real NFL quarterback, not some New Orleans dilletante) because he broke a tackle and David Tyree made a crazy catch.
By the way, it might sound from all this that I'm a Patriots fan. For the record, I'm not; I liked them back in 2001 when they were an underdog and I was a younger fan with much less aversion to bandwagoning. Nowadays, I just hate everything, the way God intended.
Could the Patriots, much less other teams, experience results similar to what New England realized last season if Moss were suddenly given the security that comes with huge contractual guarantees?
No, almost certainly not. Actually, let me cut the unnecessary parts of that question:
Could the Patriots experience results similar to what New England realized last season?
16-0 regular season, 50 touchdown passes for Tom Brady, and 23 touchdown receptions for Randy Moss, all records. How the fuck is it even remotely reasonable to expect anything like that again? I mean, if the Pats come even close to that, that's incredible. Let's have a little perspective on what they accomplished in the regular season. If nothing else, it just helps underscore how big a choke-job the Super Bowl was, which I'm sure Pats haters everywhere will appreciate.
How many teams would be willing to make Moss the highest-paid receiver in the NFL?
Shit, where's Dan Snyder when you need him? Oh, and I'm going to totally guess and say "five." Five teams would have been willing to do this. And no, I have no clue which five. But I'm guessing not the Texans.
These are the types of questions a team might ask before deciding what type of contract to offer Moss.
Uh huh. What about... "How likely is it his skills will depreciate in the near future?" "How much of his success with the Patriots should be credited to the offensive line?" "Does Randy Moss's primary effectiveness as a deep threat work with our quarterback and our system?" "Will taking on Randy Moss's contract hurt our ability to complement him on offense and put together a strong defense?" (And yeah, I know that last question about the highest-paid receiver sort of addresses that, but I can't help but think the "how many teams are willing" aspect makes it sound like some moral stand they're taking.)
In conclusion, Mike Sando wrote a lot of uninteresting, cliched bullshit with no inside information or accountability to what is actually happening. Congratulations Mike, as far as people like Tony Kornheiser are concerned, you're the platonic ideal of a blogger.
To hear from old friend PK! What've you got for us this week, fucko?
This offseason, Savage has ... shocked general managers all over football by throwing a $35 million contract ($10 million guaranteed) at peripatetic wide receiver Donte' Stallworth, who will be wearing his fourth uniform in 27 months when he suits up with the Browns.
Now, I have a decent vocabulary, I think. I'm not an English major by any stretch, but I get by. I, however, have never heard of the word "peripatetic". I have never seen this word written anywhere, or spoken by anyone. Neither has my very-intelligent roommate. So Peter: I call bullshit. I think you probably had your editor thesaurus, in your words "moves-around-a-lot-y". I don't really have proof of this, but it's just a fee--
After three days of free agency, I have one word for you. It's the same word I use every year for this weekend...
"Wow!"
Huh. "Wow!", Peter? Fair enough. But I'm surely-to-God not buying "peripatetic".
"We've worked hard at filling some holes,'' Savage said via the cell phone.
This is my second-least-favourite thing PK does, after omitting subjects from his sentences ("Saw a movie the other day. Liked it."): the ol' cell phone mention. I can't scream this loud enough Peter. Nobody. Cares.
8. I think retiring St. Louis kicker Jeff Wilkins has his priorities straight. The 14-year veteran is tied for first with Jason Elam for consecutive extra-point kicks made (371) in NFL history. But rather than chase the outright record, Wilkins, who has battled chronic leg and lower back woes, say he's doing what's best for him, his family and the Rams by retiring. He'll be missed.
A true class act. Lesser men would have flipped off wife and kids to pursue the honour and glory of the all-time record for CONSECUTIVE EXTRA POINTS MADE?
????????????
Peter...if that record, the most pitiful I've ever heard, factored into his decision at all...I feel awful for his kids. Because they have terrible genes. Peter, honestly. Seriously?
9. I think whatever choice you make, Brett Favre, good luck.
I'm glad Peter got the whole Favre thing outta the way now, so we won't have 3 full-column-length odes to his greatness whenever he does retire.
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
As usual, it's fun to imagine these were his only non-football thoughts in an entire 7-day period.
The pennant race in the Eastern Conference is ridiculously tight.
There's no such thing. I know what he means, but a)it doesn't matter to hockey teams, who (wrongly?) only really care about that ever-enlarging trophy, and b)there's no such thing.
b. Saw Juno. Loved Juno.
I'm floored. More importantly, I hadn't read this far when I whined about subject-omission earlier. I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself.
e. I can't believe I went most of my adult life without knowing much about Family Guy. I've just started to mine all the episodes on the DVR, and it's got to be the funniest animated show I've ever seen. How about the episode where Brian the dog goes back to college, to Brown, and he goes to a football game, and the scoreboard shows "Brown'' on one side, and "The Board of Education'' on the other. Funny stuff.
I hope you enjoyed the (first?) Friday Frenzy. I admit the Murray Chass post was a bit weird, although I'm still amazed how honestly shocked I was at the very idea that The New York Fucking Times might actually be employing an editor for its sports section. If nothing else, that shows just how far we have yet to go. In other words, as Fire Everybody! leaves February behind and enters March, I feel pretty confident that there will be more shitty sportswriting for me (and my esteemed colleagues, if they can take time out from doing actually important stuff to waste it on this blog) to pull apart. Also, I've got another recurring series to unveil to go along with 52 52 52 and Friday Frenzy. I know, I know, this is all gimmicky as all shit, but I wouldn't do them if I didn't think you'd like them. And trust me...you'll like this next one.
Incidentally, I'm aware that it's now technically Saturday and hence this and the Murray Chass post aren't technically part of the "Friday" Frenzy, but I haven't gone to sleep yet, so it's still Friday as far as I'm concerned. I think we can all agree to give February 29 a few extra hours - if any day deserves it, it fucking does. Well, other than February 30, of course.
But you do realize the real reason for this last post, right? Even more There Will Be Blood labels! WOOT!!!
Oh Murray Chass, you're so fucking old. And crotchety, too. But I'm a reasonable man; how about if you stop complaining about things you don't understand, I promise to not complain about things that are scary and different to me when I'm 135. Sounds fair? No, huh? Guess that means I'll be raising a ruckus about those damn kids scientists dragging those frozen planets out of the Oort Cloud for us to colonize then. Russia never needed no fucking interplanetary tugboats back in my day. They just had less kids!
Not that they want to see any prospect fail, but old-line major league scouts everywhere stood up and cheered last week. Jeremy Brown, the Oakland Athletics announced, had retired.
As I always suspected...old-line major league scouts are dicks. Total, crotchety old dicks. So dickish even Albert "I'm dickish enough to make a shitty comedy about Islam" Brooks couldn't pull it off.
Jeremy who? The Athletics have been the home of Catfish Hunter, Reggie Jackson, Sal Bando, Joe Rudi, Gene Tenace, Rollie Fingers, Jason Giambi, Eric Chavez, Miguel Tejada, Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder and Barry Zito. But Jeremy Brown?
Hmm, I wonder where this could possibly be going...
The best that can be said about Brown in his six years in the Oakland organization is that he made the team’s 40-man roster and played five games in the majors.
So he ranks five Moonlights on the Costner scale? His truly was a field of dreams. What a fleeting thing it is to know your dream for but so short a time, to merrily dance with the specters of players long past as one knows but an instant in what they have termed the Show. Man, the poetry is just dripping with a story as romantic as this one. Guys like Chass love minor leaguers who never quite made it, the what-ifs and never-wases who you can write anything about and not be wrong. They're pure human interest, in that they're human, interesting, and, unless tainted by steroid allegations, reasonably pure. That's what Murray is about to write about, right? He's going to eulogize the non-career of Jeremy Brown? Because that doesn't sound all that interesting, but I guess there's nothing wrong with it.
But Brown will be remembered most as a portly college catcher who was a central figure in “Moneyball” by Michael Lewis, the book on the revolutionary way Oakland identified players to be drafted for a system that had little money to spend because of the team’s low-revenue status.
Probably. He did play only five games and all, so being mentioned in a best-selling book is quite likely the most notable thing about his baseball career. Also, I don't know who you think this "Michael Lewis" character is, but I think you'll find that Billy Beane wrote Moneyball.
Brown was one of seven players the Athletics picked among the first 39 players taken in the 2002 draft, a focal point of the book. Billy Beane, the Athletics’ general manager, found Brown attractive, despite his size, because he was a college player with a high on-base percentage.
If I may ruthlessly and immaturely take that quote out of context:
"Billy Beane...found Brown attractive, despite his size."
Murray Chass feels Billy Beane is not a chubby chaser. I just want everyone to be clear about that.
To be honest, Murray is being incredibly even-handed about this so far. I think I detected mild disdain in the "high on-base percentage" line, but I wonder...has Murray Chass become so old and senile that he's forgotten he needs to sound old and senile? Has he just progressed to being so ancient that all he is capable of is twittering inoffensive nothings? Because I'm not sure how I feel about ruthlessly making fun of somebody like that.
I'm kidding of course - I feel fucking great about ruthlessly making fun of somebody like that.
Veteran scouts for the A’s scoffed at the pick.
Which I guess they were right about. I can just smell the implied conclusion here, namely that since they scoffed at that particular pick, which turned out to be a bust, then it follows that scouts are right to scoff at all these "new age" decisions.
I could offer my own counter to this, but I'd prefer to turn the floor over to the computer that runs Wikipedia, who has done some truly outstanding work on a rebuttal:
Hasty generalization is a logical fallacy of faulty generalization by reaching an inductive generalization based on insufficient evidence. It commonly involves basing a broad conclusion upon the statistics of a survey of a small group that fails to sufficiently represent the whole population.
Example:
Person A travels through Town X for the first time. He sees 10 people, all of them children. Person A returns to his town and reports that there are no adult residents in Town X.
Person A and Person B walk past a pawn shop. Person A remarks that a watch in a window display looks like the one his grandfather used to wear.
Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather pawned his watch Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather had expensive tastes in jewelry Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather was ostentatious Person B concludes that Person A's grandfather can not tell the time any more
Hey, wouldn't it be great if the Wikipedia computer and the computer that wrote Moneyball could get together? I bet their kids would have just outstanding MLVr, and who wouldn't want that?
There's plenty more of this article, but I'm going to curtail things because there really isn't much I can easily make fun of. In all honesty, Murray never quite comes out and says that Billy Beane is wrong. Instead, he dances around it the whole time while making it implicitly clear to anyone who has read his previous work that he thinks stats are ridiculous. Which is deplorable and all, but really hard to make fun of. He just comes across as strangely neutered, as though he was stifling himself or...
Holy fuck. I think somebody is editing him. I think...I mean, I'm not sure or anything, but I think that somebody might be editing this article. The New York Times might be employing some form of editor for its sports section and that person is, you know, editing all the crazy shit out of Murray Chass's articles.
It's really frightening how much that idea shocked me. Honestly, it took hours for the idea to even occur to me.
In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
Before I start, I just wanted to announce I'm still working on that Murray Chass post - I can't quite decide whether it's egregious enough to warrant its own column. Somehow, Murray didn't completely fuck up an article about Moneyball, which you would think would be like shooting fish in a barrel. But somehow, Murray wildly took aim and hit on a reasonably decent article.
In the meantime, let's talk Rhode Island's beautiful Jerimoth Hill, rising to a majestic 812 feet. Some fast facts...
1. Its highpoint was inaccessible for years because this dude Henry Richardson wouldn't let people go there. Not that he owned the point itself - Brown University holds that particular property - but a piece of his land was the only path up there. What piece of land? His driveway.
2. To be fair, he had tolerated such trespassers for years, but years of abuse of his permissiveness forced his hand. To also be fair, Mr. Richardson, according to Wikipedia, "became known for insulting, threatening or even using violence against visitors who tried to use his road." I just hope this involved giving someone a serious ass-forking, as God (sometimes known as Simpsons writer Matt Selman) intended.
3. Because of all this, people once considered Jehimoth Hill a more inaccessible peak than Mount McKinley, which also doubles as the highest point in North America. To put this in perspective, Mt. McKinley is twenty-fives times taller than Jehimoth Hill. So apparently Henry Richardson is tougher than the Alaskan winter. I hope he puts that on his resume.
With all that highpoint drama out of the way, let's look at an example of Rhode Island's sterling journalism. Our representative comes from The Providence Journal, which was first published in 1829, making it the oldest continually published daily newspaper in these United States. That's quite a feat, and I can confidently say their success has nothing to do with this article by Bill Reynolds. The whole thing is a list of various mini-topics, which is good because I feel a little scattershot myself.
If you’re a basketball purist and you want to vomit, watch an NBA All-Star Game.
You can find this advice on the wall at the NBA Purist's Sports Bar and Grille on 59th Street. If you're gonna eat the uncooked prawns, it's advice that could save your life. Admittedly, it's pretty dickish to say in any other context, so...well, Bill Reynolds, let's just say I'm giving you an official warning on the dickery front.
It’s all there. The lack of intensity. Treating basketball as if it’s a show, not a game. And defense? The AndI Tour might have more defense.
Let's not go crazy here. Have you seen an And1 tour game? Well, I have, and by "I have," I of course mean "I just found a video on YouTube":
I'll buy the all-star game has less defense than a Globetrotters-Generals game, but I'm pretty sure the And1 tour's slogan is, "Defense...it's for pussies."
Also, it's And1, not AndI. Let's keep the Roman numerals to ourselves, shall we?
Want to know why there are so many kids today who have no clue how to play?
Because most kids suck at basketball? I will proudly proclaim that I'm fucking terrible at basketball. I have no clue how to play because I have absolutely no natural talent for it. Probably true of most people.
Want to know why no one seems to know what the rules are anymore, since they’ve been so bastardized for so many years now that the lines have all but been blurred beyond repair?
For the record, I don't really care about this. I'd say football has a way bigger issue with people not knowing the rules, what with all the bizarre little technicalities that can drastically affect games in a way that thoroughly confuses fans. I think I know the rules of basketball, although maybe refs don't enforce them particularly well (although sometimes that has nothing to do with ignorance). Where are you going with this, exactly?
Want to know why, as the players get bigger and stronger and are able to do wondrous athletic feats, the game itself seems somehow lessened?
Is it all the foreigners flopping? That sounds plausible, and if it's plausible that means it can't be xenophobic, right?
Check out an NBA All-Star Game, the game’s role models in their biggest showcase.
It’s all there.
Dude, why couldn't you have just blamed the foreigners? That would have been assholish, but I'm not sure I could have completely refuted that argument. But this? This is going to be easy.
You're blaming the ruination of the NBA game on the fact that all the impressionable kids watching "the game's role models" see a bunch of dudes not play defense and alley-oop it to themselves. I mean, that would make sense, assuming all the kids are watching that game. And you do say it's "their biggest showcase", so I have to assume that's the case.
If I were the Patriots, I’d breathe a little easier if this Matt Walsh scenario went away.
Helluva point you got there. You're saying if the potential key to a scandal that could actually result in Bill Belichick being suspended for an entire year suddenly went away, the Patriots would be happy with this? Thank goodness you're getting paid to come up with these gems.
And yes, that was his entire fucking point.
You’ve got too much time on your hands, Bunky, if you’re spending a lot of time watching Red Sox spring training on television.
Who is Bunky? Are you talking to me? Dude, my name is Archie Micklewhite, not Archie Bunker. Although I do often get mistaken for Archie Bunker, what with my virulent racism and hanging jowls. I'm just kidding folks - my jowls are rock hard.
Unless you think watching pitchers jog in the outfield is a spectator sport.
Dude, it's February. It's a tough month, what with almost nothing going on in sports. At least these people aren't doing anything completely fucking crazy.
Only a cynic would say that John McCain’s approval went up with young people with the allegation he had an improper relationship with a lobbyist.
So, um, are you a cynic, Bill Reynolds? Do you think that? I don't get what I'm supposed to understand from this point. Also, let's take a look at Cindy McCain...
Are we sure John McCain's marriage isn't an improper relationship? And for the record, I'm not a cynic; I'm a pervert.
Although in Washington, you can make a case that any relationship with a lobbyist should be improper.
BURN!!! Take that, Washington!!! Bill Reynolds just pwned your ass. What's that feeling you feel? That would be Bill Reynolds fucking your shit up. You're welcome, Washington.
Seriously, fucking fat cats. So glad someone finally has the balls to stand up to them.
Budget cuts are a little like nuclear power plants: No one wants them in their backyard.
I dunno, I could do without that extra shed. Damned if I ever use it - I mean, who needs both a tool shed and a mulch shed?
*WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR AN OBLIGATORY MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE.*
Other than Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson, of course.
*THANK YOU. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED POST.*
Anyway, I'd be up for a budget cut in my backyard. Sometimes you just have to take the hit, stock up some draft picks for quality seedlings down the road, and rebuild your backyard to remain competitive in this salary cap era for backyards. You can't always afford to pay the luxury tax on your John Deere, is all I'm saying.
Also, I'm pretty sure my backyard is Three Mile Island. If I'm following what Bill Reynolds is saying, is that something I should be concerned about? Honestly, I haven't left my basement since March 27, 1979, so thus far I haven't really had any cause for concern. Eh, I'm sure things are fine.
You know spring is just around the corner when there’s already been a Manny sighting.
Yeah, and thank god we didn't see Manny's shadow, or else there would be six more weeks of winter. Wait...what?
And you know that too many young actresses have overdosed on Girls Gone Wild videos when even Madonna now seems almost staid.
No arguing our young starlets are a little out of control, but is it really because Jamie-Lynn Spears grew up watching Girls Gone Wild videos that she's now busy recreating the plot of Juno, only in a universe horrifically bereft of the bountiful glory that is Michael Cera? Girls Gone Wild has about as much to do with Lindsay Lohan's coke* addiction as...I don't know, what's a comparably shitty thing...let's see, about as much as the NBA All-Star game has to do with a general decrease in fundamentals. No idea where I came up with that analogy, but I guess it'll do.
*that would be a former coke addiction**
**also alleged former coke addiction
Curt Schilling is psychologically incapable of staying in the background very long.
Man, that dude has got Curt Schilling nailed! With pioneering journalistic insight like that, it's a wonder that he languishes at the Providence Journal. Seriously, get this fucker on...well, I would say Baseball Tonight, but I think the joke works better if I reference something whose analysts are, you know, competent.
I love that Bill feels that statement is apparently pithy enough to not need any further elaboration whatsoever. Couldn't you have at least mentioned his Everquest addiction? Because that shit is never not hilarious.
If you’re looking for an interesting novel about being undercover for the FBI, check out The Judas Horse, by April Smith.
Um, OK, I will. Although I think I'm going to need a second opinion from Amazon.com reviewer NoGoodDeed:
I love crime novels, and can't think of too many other books that so expertly capture the ins and outs of Bureau work as do April Smith's. Despite the rather spooky and off-putting cover image of a faceless horse, and the somewhat off-the-wall subject matter (domestic terrorism to protect wild mustangs?), "Judas Horse" is one of the best thrillers so far this year. (I think the word "mystery" on the jacket lumps the book into the P.D. James/Elizabeth George traditional mystery-type novels, which this definitely is not.)
I've said it once, I'll say it again - NoGoodDeed is gold. And as long as it's not like any of that P.D. James/Elizabeth George traditional mystery-type bullshit, I'm on board. You win this round, Bill Reynolds.
Don’t be surprised if Joba Chamberlain hits the sophomore slump.
But will you be surprised if he doesn't? Is this a prediction, or just a random statement that you can ignore if it doesn't pan out but pat yourself on the back for if you're correct? Or, to put it another way...a prediction? Ooh, let me try one!
Don't be surprised if Bill Reynolds someday makes an interesting point.
Yeah, I'm guessing I won't be printing up oracular business cards anytime soon. Although if they'd help me get babes, I guess I'd be willing to fudge my credentials...
There’s no truth to the rumor that the movie There Will Be Blood is about the Friars season.
Hey man, back the fuck off There Will Be Blood. That's what I reference. I mean, I mean...that's like referencing There Will Be Blood is my milkshake, and you're like standing over there with this straw, and the straw reaches across the room, and so it's like you, Bill Reynolds, are drinking my referencing-TWBB milkshake!
You see, Bill Reynolds? Don't fuck with me on this. I'm too good.
Once upon a time, back in the late 1950s, Bill Sharman of the Celtics used to go to a high school gym on the morning of games and shoot around, even though his teammates thought he was crazy. Sharman brought the idea with him to the Lakers when he coached there in the early ’70s, and now every pro and college team in the country has morning shootarounds. Go figure.
You mean I should figure out that a popular and successful coach instituted a practice with an incredibly successful team and that other teams copied him? Yeah, go fucking figure.
Twenty-eight years ago yesterday was the “Miracle on Ice,” the day the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Russians.
Kinda cool, I guess. 28 isn't really all that round of a number. Why'd you mention it?
And Mike Eruzione has been living off it ever since.
Ah, dude, that's not cool. To quote that dude in that YouTube video..."Leave Mike Eruzione alone!" That may not have been exactly what he said, but that was the gist.
I have no doubt that if Roger Clemens could have a do-over, he would have fessed up when Andy Pettitte did.
Uh huh. Interesting point. No, I'm serious, I'd like to hear more about this. I'm not sure I buy it, considering how consistently evasive he's been, but I guess you could argue that's just because he long ago passed the point of no return. Hmm...I'd like to hear more. Care to elaborate?
Both Hillary and the Rams peaked too soon.
Oh. Fuck it then.
Forget Barack Obama. Odds are Hillary couldn’t beat Hannah Montana.
Well, other than the fact that Miley Cyrus is constitutionally barred from running for president, considering she's not 35, yeah, no way Hillary could beat her. Although I think that still means she'd be able to beat Rudy Guiliani.
In the recent Dime magazine Charles Barkley called Kevin McHale the best he ever played against.
What the hell is this list supposed to be? Is this supposed to be a collection of tidbits you've noticed over the past week towards which you want to point fellow sports enthusiasts? You know, a link dump? Bill, you do realize that if you're trying to do a link dump, you really need to include, you know, links?
Kelvin Sampson must have missed the ethics seminar.
Man, will you listen to this guy? He's a regular Don Rickles or some shit.
Not that there’s one given in Rhode Island, understand.
That's about the twentieth reference to local Rhode Island sports, something I can't really blame him for, considering my entire point here is to rip on local sports journalists. Hell, for all I know, he's one of the most insightful guys around when it comes to the ins and outs of, say, Providence Friars basketball.
