An entirely original and not at all second-rate (we're fifth-rate, tops) blog dedicated to making fun of bad sports journalism AND referencing Blackadder II in the obscurest way possible.
Kurt Snibbe pulls me back in for one last entry in the Favre Frenzy. Apparently it's the Judgment of Passive (that's like the one in The Iliad, only less French) that the Peter King article wasn't egregious enough to rip to shreds. OK then, let's look at this shitty cartoonist who delivers unfunny, poorly drawn tripe for ESPN.com. I honestly have no idea what the appeal of his work is supposed to be, and I'm the angry sports blogger who is also a massive comics geek.
But, if nothing else, making fun of him gives me an opportunity to try something a little experimental, namely making fun of pictures instead of just words. I'd say I'm excited...ah, fuck it, I'm really excited. I don't care if that sounds pathetic.
Also, to remind you why comics can, in fact, be totally fucking awesome, I think I'll throw in a rebuttal link after every panel to a vaguely relevant page on the venerable Superdickery. Basically, this is my apology for wasting twelve pages worth of text on Ray Ratto. I hope you enjoy.
A solid premise for a sports comic, I guess. But you know what would have been a better premise? This fucking premise.
I don't have too much to say just yet, but I do think Kurt is undervaluing Deanna Favre a little. Let's take a look...
I'm sure the Dreamboat wouldn't give her a second glance, but we're not exactly talking about Brenda Warner here. C'mon dude, comics are supposed to be an outlet for perverts everywhere to ogle women ludicrously unrealistic in their beauty and cup size (as though there's a difference). Even those prudes back in the 40s knew that.
Dude, "Final answer"? Was...was that a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire reference? I'm sorry, did it become the late nineties again and nobody told me? And does that mean shit like this is cool again?
From what I've seen, the more ducks we can kill, the better off we'll all be. So I say ducks. Fucking homicidal bastards that would kill and/or exterminate humanity without a second thought if we gave them even the slightest opportunity, the lot of them. Also I'm really bothered by talking animals wearing a shirt and no pants. I mean, WHERE'S THEIR PENIS!?
Now that you know for a fact that I'm insane, I think I can move on.
Look, Kurt, do you know why Brett Favre took painkillers? It's not because he couldn't handle the pain. Complete fucking opposite, dude. That was all just a little white lie he told so that sissies like you wouldn't thave to deal with the truth. He took those bad boys all during the week so that come the weekend and it had gotten out his system, he'd feel every hit like he was being hit for the very first time by a train made out of bear-traps that was exploding in a volcano. Because that's the only way Brett could ever know he was a real fucking man. So I think he can handle a little fucking caffeine, don't you?
Yeah, like anybody in Mississippi is going to tell Brett Favre to move the fuck along. He could probably just ask to buy the store and they'd give him the keys. The same's true in Wisconsin, although the owner would also let him fuck his wife first. Not that he'd want to, but still.
I would have thought unleaded is an easy choice here, considering it's, you know, without lead, but then I checked in with my boy Wikipedia:
The Material Safety Data Sheet for unleaded gasoline shows at least fifteen hazardous chemicals occurring in various amounts. These include benzene (up to 5% by volume), toluene (up to 35% by volume), naphthalene (up to 1% by volume), trimethylbenzene (up to 7% by volume), MTBE (up to 18% by volume) and about 10 others.
So yeah, I don't know what the fuck to think. Also, shouldn't Brett be driving his beloved tractor? Or maybe this baby? Because I'm pretty sure those run on ethanol.
How the fuck is that a difficult decision? On one you spend way too much time with a bunch of self-serious, pompous buffoons who have no idea what they're doing...and the other is Dancing with the Stars. Besides, hasn't Emmitt Smith already shown us pretty conclusively which of those is easier?
I have no obvious associations to go on here, so I'll just link to this. You're welcome.
That's...that's it!? Dude, Michael Jordan might have a tiny gambling problem and almost certainly has ordered Charles Oakley to kill people, but he's still one of the most respected athletes around. Roger Clemens is a disgraced moron who doesn't even understand the proper method of lying to Congress. He's a good comedy reference. But Michael Jordan? Between this and the Millionaire thing, I honestly think you filed this back in 2004, when the main association that people have with Jordan and Clemens is that they constantly unretire. Which yeah, I get is supposed to be the punchline and everything. But dude, current events have totally drowned that reference out.
Is that supposed to be a veiled reference to the painkillers thing? Because that might actually be the funniest part of the comic if that's true. But honestly, I'm just utterly befuddled by this weird collection of hacky cliches you try to pass off as jokes. And I've seen this, so I know befuddlement.
All told, I'd say we had a pretty successful Favre Frenzy, this being our fifteenth post. Still waiting on a Peter King post, but otherwise I think we've covered most of the bases. There's one more article I think I'll look at tomorrow, but for now? Well, let's just recap what we've already accomplished...
And to Brett Favre, may I just say...good night, sweet prince. You strike me as a big Hamlet and/or The Big Lebowski fan, so I'm sure you'll doubly appreciate that one.
What I feared for a month and a half came true Tuesday when Brett Favre decided it was time to walk away from the NFL.
Dude, I really hope you didn't lose sleep over this. I'm just trying to be concerned here. Honestly...
From a statistical standpoint, Brett will go down as the best quarterback of all time.
Questionable. That's only really true if you go by counting stats, which aren't the be-all and end-all of judging a quarterback's statistical performance. Especially considering his counting stats are inflated by his playing style, which tended to be high-scoring, and his long career, which gave him a ton of time to accumulate all those touchdowns. And interceptions, of course. But I think I've made myself clear on that.
Granted, his current NFL records will fall eventually, but for now, Brett is the best.
Dude, let me quote you one sentence ago: "Brett will go down at the best quarterback of all time." So, he'll be the all time best...until someone else (probably Peyton) passes him? He's temporarily the best forever? I mean, way to acknowledge the insanity of instant history in sportswriting...but seriously, I feel like I've fallen into a metaphysical minefield here. Possibly epistemological as well, but I'm not sure.
Before the 2008 Super Bowl, I felt Brett would step aside and ride off into the sunset.
Is there a missing scene in the middle there where Brett gets on a horse (or maybe that *TRACTOR* of his that I keep hearing about!), hence explaining how he first steps aside and then rides off? Because otherwise I'm calling mixed metaphor on that sentence.
After all, Brett is a man who has earned everything that life has sent his way. When describing Brett, words like integrity, honesty, friend and father come to mind.
WHERE THE FUCK IS GUNSLINGER?
Seriously dude, this is the last fifteen minutes of fame "gunslinger" is going to get for what could be quite awhile. We might seriously be down to just Jay Cutler now in terms of future employment opportunities for "gunslinger." And he only threw 14 picks last year on a 7-9 team. What the fuck kind of gunslinger is that?
On the football field, the man knew how to win and elevated the play of his teammates like no other.
Hasn't Tom Brady elevated his teammates to three Super Bowl wins? Didn't Big Ben Roethlisberger know the only way to beat the Seattle Seahawks back in Detroit was to post that sick 22.6 QB rating? And what about Johnny U? You telling me he didn't know how to win? Look fucko, Johnny U majored in winning back at the University of Winchester. He didn't like the snotty Britishness of a name like "Winchester", but he liked the part where it started with the word "Win." That's how committed he was. Also his minor was economics.
My real point is that this is such a hacky reason for why Brett Favre was good. Is that honestly the best you can do?
When the team lost, he never pointed fingers. Whether it was a receiver running the wrong route, a linemen missing a block or a back fumbling the ball, Brett never singled anyone out.
Right, unless that receiver asked for a better contract, in which case you can bet your ass Favre was going to be calling out more than a class troublemaker when there's a substitute.
That last joke apparently brought to you by myself at the age of 12. Well, maybe 14.
Instead, he put the team on his back like a leader should.
Hey, you think that's why he got addicted to painkillers? Because he was constantly supporting multiple tons worth of linemen and backs? Unless he was using some sort of pulley system, of course, but then he really wasn't putting it on his back, now was he? I mean, pulleys are for sissies. Sissies and Manning brothers, that is. Eh, same fucking thing. Bunch of Louisiana dandies, the lot of them. Not true Mississippi grit, no sir. Sorry, I mean, "no sah."
Shortly after a disappointing loss to New York in the NFC Championship Game, Favre hurt like never before from an emotional standpoint. Brett, who remembers each loss whether in high school, college or pro, had a tough time dealing with the Giants going to the Super Bowl instead of the Packers.
In retrospect, I wonder whether Pats fans feel the same way. I'm just saying...
To some, his last pass, an interception that sealed New York's win, might be the cause for the end of the season pain. He didn't deliver like he did so many times in the past when the game was on the line, but Brett was the reason the team was in the title game.
That's pretty much the problem with all Favre-related journalism in a nutshell. Everything good the Packers accomplished in 2007 was due to him, but when he very clearly made a huge mistake that cost them the season, you can't blame him. There's just no accountability here whatsoever.
I really hope Aaron Rodgers leads them to a Super Bowl next year. That'd be tre-fucking-mendous.
Nonetheless, Brett hurt and to use a hunting comparison, he went into hibernation.
I know nothing about hunting, but what the fuck does hibernation have to do with hunting? Do you shoot bears while they're hibernating? Because I might actually have to agree with those PETA assholes if that's what you guys are up to.
Brett, with the pain showing on his face as he left Lambeau Field for the final time, felt the season was unfolding for him to play in one last Super Bowl. After all, New York beat Dallas the previous week to give the Packers homefield advantage.
Al Jones, don't use the perfect tense when you mean the pluperfect. You're describing how Brett felt things were going to go before he left Lambeau for the final time. You know, before the loss. Earlier in the past. Hence, pluperfect.
Yep, me and Ken Tremendous, captains in the grammar police. Well, I'm only a lieutenant, but I'm gunning for a promotion.
You might wonder how I'm going to get there when I'm writing stuff like "me and Ken Tremendous." Well, I'm a loose cannon grammar cop. Better fucking deal with it, because I'm the thin blue line standing between you and linguistic anarchy.
Sorry, all this talk of awesome police corruption puts me in the mood for a random sampling of the BBC's hit 1970s time-travel cop drama Life on Mars:
And if you have no idea what just happened...well, I suggest you investigate further. You're welcome.
Sorry, that was way too pleasant a diversion. Where was I? Oh yes...
Things, through Brett's eyes, were scripted out for his third appearance in the Super Bowl.
I'm not sure the metaphor of there being a script through Brett Favre's eyes is wrong, exactly...but man, that's one hell of a weird metaphor.
New York crashed the party and ultimately, signaled the end of Brett's career.
Damn New Yorkers!!! It's all them damn Yankees' faults!!! And no, I don't mean the baseball team. I mean the side in the Civil War. That's cool, right?
Under no circumstance should anyone remember Brett for that final pass. The man should be remembered for his excitement on the field, his dedication to bringing the best to Green Bay en route to collecting just about every NFL record he could.
Including the interception record. Sorry, sorry, I really should stop pointing that out; it's totally unnecessary at this point.
But seriously, why can't we just remember Brett Favre as the totality of both his good points and his bad points? Why is that so fucking hard for people to do? Eh, who am I kidding - if people did that, I'd have nothing to make fun of. And that scarcely bears thinking about.
In the end, Brett Favre was drained both emotionally and physically and that's why he walked away.
That's actually pretty much how I feel. I mean, this is my tenth post today. Of course, I keep going. Am I more of a man? Only time will tell.
Brett might be Superman to some,
Whatever...
...gave you...
...that idea?
but his body is catching up to his age and he opted to get out with plenty of time to enjoy his family. He stated to me on several occasions that he never really got to see Brittany grow up and all of a sudden, she graduated from Oak Grove High School last year.
With that in mind, he wanted to spend time with Breligh, his youngest daughter, and rightfully so.
Yeah Brittany, you're yesterday's fucking news. Don't matter what the fuck you do now, Brett's got a new project. It's called "Breligh Favre: First Girl Quarterback." You had your chance, Brit, but noooooo, you had to be born before daddy even started playing football. That's Javon-level selfish, sweetie.
To me, Brett Favre can't go wrong when it comes to walking away from pro football to spend time with Deanna, Brittany and Breleigh.
Wait..who the fuck is Breleigh? I thought it was Breligh? Have all the copy editors at The Sun Herald hurled themselves from the rooftops, knowing they'll never again have the opportunity to change "Farve" into "Favre"? Guess you're going to regret all those squandered opportunities now, huh guys?
On the field, however, Brett will be missed.
You know who'll miss him? Opposing defensive backs, that's who (golly, I'm such a dick). Also refs - they always seemed to enjoy rooting openly for Brett so damn much.
Brett's retirement is huge, but the NFL will move forward. How did Atlanta replace Hank Aaron? How did Baltimore replace Cal Ripken? How did the Celtics replace Larry Bird? You don't and that's why we have the Hall of Fame.
That's so true. To this day, the Orioles don't put anyone at shortstop. I mean, what the fuck would be the point? You just don't even try to replace something like that..
(I realize that joke is a little too close to true, considering it's the Orioles we're talking about. I'd like to apologize to our legion of readers who are also Orioles fans.)
Actually, it'd be kind of awesome if the Packers went to a shitty high school team offense next year where they just direct-snapped it to Ryan Grant every down. I mean, why even bother trying to have a quarterback after Brett Favre?
The past week I saw a television show where the host asked the co-host if he could trade places with one person in the sporting world for the day, who would it be?
The answer was Tiger Woods.
My answer would be Brett Favre.
Before I agree or disagree with this...does my day include an evening with Elin Nordegrin-Woods? 'Cause uh...I think I'm going to stick with the Tiger answer, in that case.
What more could Favre achieve in the NFL?
Nothing.
He could have won another Super Bowl. That might have raised him up a notch in the all-time rankings. But eh, I'm nitpicking.
The man won a Super Bowl, made nine Pro Bowls, picked up three MVPs awards and made a nice living for his family.
That, to me, says everything about a man who will reside in the NFL Hall of Fame in five years.
Since this isn't technically a "these are Brett's HOF credentials" article, I'll let that shitty argument for why he should be in the Hall slide. For now.
So what kind of man is Brett Favre?
Look, Al Jones is about to get pretty serious here, so I'll try to deal with this semi-responsibly.
*DEEP BREATH*
When my family lost my brother nearly four years ago, he was one of the first to call. When Ronnie Hebert was laid to rest this week, Brett was there to say good bye to a dear friend.
When Big Irv lost his life, he cried.
And when Deanna fought breast cancer, he stood side-by-side the lady he so dearly loves.
That, folks, makes Brett Favre human and gives him the right to ride off into the sunset.
I think Brett Favre sounds like an essentially good guy, probably like most people out there. As much as what Al Jones writes there is heartwarming and sentimental and so forth, it isn't necessarily all that different from how most decent people would act in those situations. That isn't really what makes Brett Favre so remarkable. What makes him remarkable is just how good at football he was, and the reason I follow sports is to be entertained by the unimaginable talents of professional athletes.
But all this other stuff? Well, I guess it's got its place, just like the corresponding crazy shit that other athletes get up to (Marques Slocum's Facebook page is a personal favorite). It adds color and can create a fuller, richer story. But when it becomes the story? When it's endlessly repeated and used to elevate people like Brett Favre from mere mortals, albeit of the supremely gifted mortals, to tragic demigods? Well, that's when I start sharpening my blogging knife.
On a personal note, it's been a great ride with Brett throughout his career. We shared many laughs, a few tears and developed several life long memories.
Brett, you are a special person and I wish you well in the new phase of your life.
Now, we have more time to hunt.
You know what, Al Jones? You're all right. This has clearly been an emotional day and I won't hold the lesser points of this article against you. Enjoy your hunting trips with Brett; I think you both deserve them.
But do me a favor; don't shoot any hibernating bears, or else I might have to call those PETA assholes in on you. We can all agree those guys are shitheads, right? Just gotta keep working towards common ground, and someday we'll get there.
...by the awesome Larry B (he thinks I'm a cokehead!) over at Fire Jay Mariotti. So I'm not going to bother doing a full thing on Dr. Z's Favre piece. Because apparently Larry is capable of positivity and compassion, he chooses to actually laud Dr. Z, instead of just shitting on him on principle.
I think my main issue with Dr. Z's piece is that he keys in on the least offensive parts of the Brett Favre mythos. I mean, the 4th and 26 was a pretty terrible fucking play on the part of the Packers defense, plain and simple.
Also, there's some weird stuff about Mike Holmgren:
Holmgren knew how to handle greatness. He had worked with Montana, who could get into streaks of almost surreal accuracy, plus he had outstanding athletic ability to fall back on.
So he knew how to handle greatness, huh? Because Seattle seems to suggest he doesn't know shit about handling above-averageness. Or whatever.
And how about this?
His fourth quarter and overtime meltdown against the Giants last season, which put a sad end to a remarkably classy season? Never mind ... the redemption of the Giants' field-goal kicker was the angle.
I am never, ever going to criticize people for making the winning player the angle. I think you earn that by winning, and I get really tired when certain teams (read: the Yankees) dominate the headlines win or lose. I think I'd be just as irritated if that was the time all the sportswriters chose to shit all over Favre and ignore the Giants.
Also, what's with all the talk about "angles"? What is this, a 1930s newsroom? Because from what I've heard, they could get pretty weird.
Actually, I think Dr. Z would fit right in over there. He's certainly got the name for it.
I dunno, I'd go further into this, but I don't want to look like I'm just picking up the scraps of others. I mean, I am, no question about it, but I don't like to look that way.
I think it had to have been 4th quarter when this happened because the Detmer celebration (after throwing a TD) was one that no Detmer, and no QB, really, would make without thinking the game was in hand. Detmer "simulated" reaching into his pants, digging out his cock, and then slapping some chick's ass as he did her from behind. Stockton and his partner said something like, "Wow, that's some crazy dance from Detmer." No, it wasn't a dance. He was miming pulling out his cock, and slapping a chick on the ass! Favre gets back on the field, drives down the field, and chucks a TD pass. He, looking right at Detmer, apes the cock-whipping out dance. The TV people are oblivous: "Favre's mocking Detmer's crazy dance!"
It don't get better than that. I really wish I could find the YouTube clip, but those fucking fascists at the NFL made them take it down. Suffice to say it is the funniest thing I have ever seen on any field of play in sports ever. If one of our millions and millions of readers can dig that video up, we'll send you a free Fire Everybody t-shirt.*
*Not really, but we'll mention you by name in a post. Or if you want we'll say "Tits McGee from Tacoma sent the video. Thank you, Tits McGee!" Whatever floats your boat, man.
Peter King's reaction is up. I'll leave it to either Passive or Djmmm, but I absolutely adore from where this article was filed:
BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan --
I really hope this causes Peter King to hold an undying hatred towards the Kyrgyzstanis - after all, he's got to blame somebody for Favre retiring and him not even being in the same hemisphere when it happened. Also, what do you think the Starbucks is like in the capital of this great nation? Keep in mind they just retrained the baristas, so it may not be a fair guess.
Coming up...Dr. Z writes one of the strangest things I've ever read. Bonus - I defend Brett Favre!
OK, here's the deal. I'm a Bears fan. This means I don't like Brett Favre for two reasons...
1. The Packers are the hated rivals and all that. 2. To me, quarterbacking excellence pretty much means a tag-team of Jim Miller and Shane Mathews. Yeah, not pretty.
But I don't really hate Brett Favre nearly as much as that last post might indicate. I'm irritated that his story is so romanticized when it's more than compelling enough on its own merits, and I don't like how he gets a free pass for pretty much everything - the Javon Walker thing was especially uncool, as far as I'm concerned - but overall, I'm sure he's an all right dude.
To prove this to myself, I present this video, which I think is actually reasonably awesome...
Brett Favre was always that carefree gunslinger, throwing footballs into tight spots and putting himself into a few as well.
OK - that's the thesis of this article. I'm glad it took only seven words to reach "gunslinger", which no Brett Favre hero worship column could be complete without. Also, I'm guessing these "tight spots" he "[put] himself into" are going to be more than a little glossed over and apologized for. But hey, I've already read the article, so it's not really fair for me to "predict" what's coming next. Like I care...
We all could relate to him.
I fucking hated him. But then I am a Bears fan. Still, what was so universal about this guy?
He loved the game.
You know who fucking hates the game? Dan Ma-fucking-rino, that's who. Non-Super-Bowl-winning motherfucker. I'm picking up on what Djmmm (rhymes with Eminem, apparently) said in a comment, where he suggested Marino is the anti-Favre just because he never won a Super Bowl.
We loved watching him play.
Are we still on reasons why we could all relate to him? Because I can definitely relate to how much I love watching myself play. Wait...what?
He was fearless. He was daring. He was the every man, the Southern kid with the aw-shucks, down-home attitude who happened to have a rocket for a right arm.
Cliche, cliche, cliche, I'm not Southern, cliche, cliche, and as for this rocket...well, I too have a rocket on my person. I just keep it elsewhere. God, I'm immature.
Also, what part of that "aw-shucks, down-home attitude" involved being a colossal dick to Javon Walker?
He also had flaws, which we all do.
Yes, that's true. For instance, I sometimes leave the toilet seat up. Not that I, as a blogger, would ever share a bathroom with a girl, so that would never be an issue...but still, bad form and all that.
He had a substance-abuse problem early in his career.
Does Diet Sunkist count as a substance? Because otherwise I don't have that particular flaw. And trust me - I'm early in my career as a blogger, and temptations are everywhere. Why just the other day I got some spam email...and nearly read it. I know, I know. I just can't tell what's safe anymore.
He was addicted to pain medication.
Does Showtime's Dexter count as pain medication? Since otherwise I've again got to distance myself from Brett on this one. But still, yeah, we've all got our little flaws.
He loved the nightlife as a young player, and admittedly was not the family man he should have been at times.
That's the first remotely awesome thing I've read about Brett Favre all day. Can I please hear more about Brett Favre, crazed hellion? Please?
Maybe that's why so many loved Favre so much; fans saw themselves in him.
I haven't seen even the slightest bit of myself in the guy. But then, I hate Favre. Does that indirectly prove Prisco right? Because I'm willing to adjust my thinking to whatever it has to be if it means proving some random columnist from CBS Sports wrong.
With his career seemingly over, his decision to retire coming out Tuesday, Favre leaves the game as one of the greatest passers of all time.
Absolutely true. How about we just leave it at that? Or at least limit ourselves to substantiative discussion of his play on the field? Or, if we absolutely have to get into psychoemotional bullshit, could you at least spare us the D-grade philosophizing and just print some emails from Packers fans? Eh, who am I kidding; Packers fans aren't literate.
More important, he leaves as a better man.
So...I'm guessing this isn't going to be a discussion of his DPAR and DVOA? Ah well...it was worth a shot.
Favre grew up, wised up. He stopped going out. He focused on his family. The troubles of his early years were left behind.
He got addicted to painkillers in his fifth season. Sure, in a seventeen year career, that might still count as "the early years", but c'mon...Tom Brady had his third ring by year five. Unfair comparison? Absolutely. But I couldn't give a flying fuck if I tried. Anyway, the real point is you should be pretty fucking mature by your fifth season. Who else would have that shit excused for them as youthful antics? Hell, Dan Marino was forever immature because he didn't win the Super Bowl in year two.
The young Favre was brash and arrogant and got caught up in the trappings of being an NFL star. The Favre of recent years dealt with tragedy after tragedy as a mature man, making him a better person.
He smiled more. He joked more. He got closer to his teammates.
Except for Aaron Rodgers, to whom he apparently completely refused to offer any guidance or help whatsoever. I'm not even bothering to look this up; I just heard it once a few years ago and I'm repeating it as fact. Because this all just makes me so ANGRY!!! GAH!!! SMASH!!!
When Packers coach Mike McCarthy took over in 2006, he didn't exactly have a warm relationship with Favre. That changed and the two became close.
Couple of girly girls. Bet they had slumber parties and talked about their feelings (that Joe Philbin is so dreamy!).
Pshaw! You think Belichick and Brady have even spoken to each other since 2002? Hell, you think Belichick has even spoken since 2002? Fuck and no. Advantage: mutual distate.
They teased each other a lot. McCarthy fined Favre for being late to a practice when Favre didn't pay close enough attention to the time, which Favre respected.
Apparently "teasing" Brett Favre involves "enforcing" "rules" of the "team." Good to know. Also, I don't care for teasing that doesn't involve massively impractical pranks designed to suggest a teammate has been traded to Japan. Then, to show it's a joke, you punch your wife in the face. Or so I've heard.
Seriously, fuck Brett Myers. Just generally, fuck all Bretts. Dude from Flight of the Conchords gets an exemption because he's technically a Brit, not a Brett, but the New Zealand accent could fool you. I'm going to keep monitoring that.
Favre always wanted the appearance that he was one of the guys, and the fine showed that he was.
So he only wanted the appearance, not the reality? Brett Favre: Machiavellian operator of the highest order. You know what they say...the Packers have always had a rivalry with Eastasia. I think Eastasia is the Lions, but I'm not a 100% on that.
He was distant at times with teammates in his career, keeping to a select circle, but in recent years that changed, too. The outer layer of protection wasn't as hard to crack.
Yeah, he stepped out of his shell and proceeded to completely crap on Javon Walker. What a guy!!!
Last season, after the Packers beat the Kansas City Chiefs on the road, Favre visited with friends and family in the hallway of Arrowhead Stadium. His brother and young nephew were there. Favre's face lit up as he talked about the kid's ability to throw the football. He made the kid show his motion to McCarthy. The coach said he had better footwork than his uncle.
Brett Favre then punched Mike McCarthy in the face. Wait, wrong Brett.
"He's going to break all my high school passing records," Favre said.
Aw, what a self-deprecating guy.
"Of course, my team ran it too much," he said. He broke out in laughter.
What a total fucking dick. I bet he also crushes his nephew's sandcastles when they go to the beach. Nobody's beating the authentic Spanish colonial garrison he made back in '74. That shit was solid as a fucking sand rock.
You could tell that this was a man content with where he was in life. The Packers success of last season rejuvenated Favre.
Thank goodness we wasted two seasons of a franchise's time so that in year three Favre could be fucking rejuvenated.
After a few years where some questioned whether he could get it done anymore,
He couldn't.
Favre became a star again.
Now that would require a fawning media to write endless puff pieces about him as part of some half-baked immortality scheme. And what sort of media would do that? C'mon, this isn't the financial press, and Brett Favre isn't retired Fed chief Alan Greenspan.
In 2005, he threw 20 touchdown passes and 29 interceptions. That arm that made him so daring in the past, able to squeeze balls into windows few could, now was a problem.
There is a really immature image in that second sentence, although it's the sort of crazy shit I totally wouldn't put past an adolescent Brett Favre. I'm just going to point that out and leave it at that.
He couldn't strong-arm passes into the tight spots like he once did.
And yet he did. Well, he at least kept strong-arming them, but I think when the other team catches them those don't technically count as "passes."
He followed that up with an 18-touchdown, 18-interception season in 2006. Both years he had passer ratings in the 70s. Was he done?
Honestly, he probably should have been, and if he didn't have the Packers franchise by the (foot)balls, he totally would have been.
He pondered retirement, but came back last season to lead the Packers to within a game of the Super Bowl. He threw 28 touchdowns and 15 interceptions and his passer rating was 95.7.
I believe you mean "within one career-ending interception of the Super Bowl."
The Giants upset the Packers in the NFC Championship Game at Lambeau Field, denying Favre a chance at wining his third Super Bowl. His last pass that day, his last pass ever, was a poorly thrown ball that was picked off by Giants corner Corey Webster in overtime. The pick set up the Giants' game-winning field goal.
At least you devoted an entire paragraph to it, which is more than you can say for Jim Mashek.
Because of the way that game ended, many speculated Favre would be back. But when I spoke to McCarthy at the Super Bowl, the coach wasn't so sure. Favre was conflicted about his family, saying that football was taking him away from them too much.
Would young Favre have even contemplated that for a minute?
Did young Favre have a family? Why should young Favre have to contemplate making time for a family he didn't yet have? Dude, get the fuck off young Favre's back.
How could he when his love of the nightlife took him away even more?
Favre just couldn't get enough of the Green Bay nightlife. And who can blame him, when two of the four Google image results are fucking Packers logos?
Favre leaves the game holding the records for passing yards, completions and touchdowns. He's also the all-time leader in interceptions, a sign of just how daring a quarterback he was.
I'm going to go with that being a sign of how inaccurate a quarterback he was. Yeah..."inaccurate" is the more accurate word. Maybe it isn't the daring choice, but it's not the inaccurate choice. Or did I just blow your mind?
To be great, you have to take chances.
Really? I could have sworn you had to be successful. You know, like this guy. Lowest interception percentage EVAH!!! WOOT!!!
Chances lead to mistakes. But that was Favre.
Just answer me this: why does that have to be a good thing? Isn't it possible to write the story of Favre without romanticizing the negative points of his playing style?
At times, I thought Favre got a pass from the media.
Really...you think?
His problems with abusing pain medication seem like a lifetime ago. Wasn't that performance enhancing? Yet it is rarely mentioned, even with the focus in all sports on those things.
I think the painkillers might be more like cortisone, which is legal in MLB. So I think you might be barking up the wrong tree with calling them performance enhancers. Though definitely points for effort. The sad thing, of course, is that this deletion of an ugly episode from Favre's life has nothing on the sort of whitewashing we saw in the obits of another former Packer. I'm sorry, I'm still pissed Reggie White got a free pass on that shit he said. What can I say? I'm a total asshole, but I try to be a straight shooter about it.
Instead, the focus when it comes to Favre is on his records and his streak of never missing a start. Of his dealing with the death of his father, the death of his brother-in-law and the heartache of watching his wife's fight with breast cancer, which she is winning.
Well, that's...factually accurate.
Maybe seeing him change is why Favre is so revered. The fork in the road was there and he took the right one.
The boy became a man -- a good one.
And then he acted like a vaguely smug asshole about it. Or am I just projecting my own inadequacies onto him? Yes, yes I think I am.
Where the man ranks in history as an NFL quarterback is up for debate. I don't think he's in the top five, but he's in the top 10.
I'll go with Dan Marino, Joe Montana, John Elway, Johnny Unitas, Otto Graham, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady ahead of him. Then it might be Favre.
For me, any list starts and ends with Slinging Sammy Baugh. Because I'm ninety-three.
As much as any of them, he was a joy to watch. You never knew what was coming next. It could be an underhand pass for a completion. It could be a laser for 50 yards that made your jaw drop. It could be a terribly forced pass that made his coaches wince.
Maybe it was the unpredictability that drew us to Favre. You couldn't turn away because you just might miss something truly special.
Yeah...like an interception returned for touchdown by your favorite player. That was always fun.
As he walks away from the game after 17 years, that long list of passing records going with him, Favre should do so with his head held high.
Kinda hard to hold your head high on a tractor. You should probably look where you're going.
Not only did he show greatness on the field but he became pretty damn good off it, which is the most important game of them all.
But what about Halo? Isn't that an important game too? How's he doing there?
Because it truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Local sports columnist and acclaimed fictional character Jim Mashek weighs in...
In the end, Brett Favre was on no one's timetable but his own.
That's true, but that sorta completely and utterly misses the point. Let me try to explain this as simply as I can...
Other people's timetables that Brett Favre was on: 0 Other people on Brett Favre's timetable: the Green Bay Packers organization, the state of Wisconsin, Peter King, tractor manufacturers everywhere, fat people, the families of Aaron Rodgers, Craig Nall, and briefly J.T. O'Sullivan, Joe Buck, Peter King, every other sportswriter in the country, Peter King, and Peter King
Oh, and I imagine Brett Favre's family, although I'm not convinced that they exist as independent entities. I'm pretty sure they're purely plot conveniences cooked up to have tragic shit happen to them so that Brett can gain additional motivation to find the courage necessary to do the toughest thing a man can do when he's staring death in the face: be paid millions to play football.
The Green Bay Packers' legendary quarterback, the Coast's most celebrated athletic figure ever, has decided to retire.
And you know what? That's fine. I honestly know it's a little unfair of me to rip to shreds The Sun Herald for honoring what is easily their most legendary representative. But I'm a very petty man, and some of this shit is just too ridiculous for words.
Few of us saw this one coming.
Yeah, I pretty much expected him to slowly replace himself with robotic limbs as his body started to wear down so that he'd never have to retire. By 2020, robo-Favre would be complete, and except for that minor interception glitch, utterly unstoppable. Of course, when a distraught Brooke King honors the memory of her late father by stitching together the discarded pieces of the original Favre to create zombie-Favre...well then, who truly will be the original? Thank god we dodged that metaphysical bullet.
By the way, if you predicted I was going to reference the Ship of Theseus paradox today...well then, I'll just send you my money now.
Favre guided the Packers to within an eyelash of the Super Bowl in his 17th NFL season
I guess "an eyelash" is what they call "a career-ending interception" in Biloxi.
a couple years after his performance dictated maybe it was time to hang 'em up.
You mean when he threw 29 interceptions? Dude, if he's not Brett Favre, no fucking maybe about it. Hell, if he's anyone other than Brett Favre, no way he's even allowed to play long enough into the season to even be able to throw 29 interceptions.
The former Hancock North Central star, who learned the game from his dad, his high school coach, wanted to keep playing.
So he did.
But what about when he didn't want to keep playing, which meant he let an entire franchise twist in the wind as to whether he was even coming back during the prime offseason shopping period in multiple years? WHAT ABOUT THAT!?
That's what separates Favre from his peers.
Also that drug addiction to painkillers.
He kept playing. Injuries,
I bet those painkillers helped him with that one.
Father Time, family tragedy, it seemed almost nothing could stop him.
I think Father Time gave him a free pass when Favre threw the sack record to Michael Strahan in a manner that would have been totally scandalous if, say, Peyton Manning pulled that shit. Because if I know anything about Father Time, it's that he's totally a fucking Giants fan. Admittedly, he thinks he's rooting for the Willie Mays outfit, but cut the dude some slack. He's really fucking old. Not unlike Brett Favre.
Oh, and if you think I'm going to make light of the "family tragedy" aspect...eh, I'll leave that to someone who is an even bigger asshole than me. I really need to believe such a person exists.
Once he succeeded Dan Majkowski as the Packers' quarterback, he never missed a start. Never. That's the record that means the most to him. That's the record that showed how much his teammates could count on him.
That's also the record that demonstrates how selfish he was towards the end, how obsessed he was with maintaining a bullshit record even when there were definitely times it would have been better to rest up and let others play.
Actually, the truth lies somewhere in between. But if I answer out-and-out Favre hagiography with reasoned, mild-mannered analysis, they'll still average out to hero worship. So I've got to go pretty far the other way just to restore any sense of balance.
That's the record that will pretty much define his career.
Can't it be the 288 interceptions? Please?
Favre almost walked away after the 2005 NFL season, when his numbers fell significantly and the Packers' fate followed suit.
I'm not sure "fell significantly" does his 2005 numbers justice. Just saying.
He hinted after the 2006 finale, against the archrival Chicago Bears, that he might have had enough.
Man, what a fucking retire-tease.
But a couple months later, he came back rejuvenated and pronounced himself ready to get the Packers back to prominence.
That's what he did.
Yeah...along with an improved defense, better offensive weapons, a weaker division, a clearer offensive scheme...no, wait, that would imply the Green Bay Packers actually put a team around Favre. I'm pretty sure he just threw the ball to himself and improvised all the plays (little known fact: Brett Favre, Second City alum) and played all twelve defensive positions. Sure, you might think there are eleven. Shows how non-gritty you fucking are.
Or maybe he just impressed the refs into playing for the Packers like the French and British with American sailors before the War of 1812. That's actually pretty close to the truth.
The Packers went 13-3 last season and got the NFC championship game at home, against Eli Manning and the surging New York Giants. The game was played in brutally cold conditions - it was January, after all, in Green Bay, Wis. - and the Giants escaped with an overtime victory.
Right, the underdog "escaped." OK. And it sounds like you're somehow excusing Brett Favre's poor play because it was cold. How the fuck is that not considered one of Brett Favre's biggest advantages in these games? I mean, I don't know how much cold weather really matters (assuming you're not the Buccaneers playing in Chicago), but I don't want to hear any apologists citing that as a reason for why Favre shat the bed in his final game.
Oh, and the Giants definitely escaped, if by "escaped" we mean "intercepted the last pass of Favre's career." That joke is NEVER getting old.
Favre's last pass in that game was intercepted by the Giants' Corey Webster. It led to the winning points, a field goal by the Giants' Lawrence Tynes. My thought then was this wouldn't be the way Favre wanted to go out, that he'd played too well for five months, that he was having too much fun playing football.
Few men had as much fun as Brett Favre playing football.
Way to brush over the career-ending interception as quickly as humanly fucking possible. Just bravo, Sun Herald columnist Jim Mashek.
But Favre never gave an indication one way or another. He always liked to think about it, on his own terms, after getting away from football to his Hattiesburg home. Maybe he decided the Packers were on stable enough ground for him to finally make the move.
Yes, Brett Favre, great humani-fucking-tarian. Because if there's one thing that's defined his conduct over the last few years, it's the long-term well-being of the Packers.
He certainly isn't leaving them in a lurch. They drafted another quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, with their first-round pick in 2005.
Yeah, who is still almost completely untested and by all accounts Favre refused to give much help or mentoring to. Also, Aaron Rodgers totally sucks. C'mon, he's from Cal.
Favre played quarterback with abandon we seldom see in this day and age.
And said abandon was coddled with a lack of rational criticism we see way too fucking often in sportswriting in this day and age.
He was willing to run when the play broke down and few could improvise the way he could under pressure.
Yeah, like this one time he was playing the Vikings in the playoffs (it was the Moss Moon game), and when the play broke down, he ran past the line of scrimmage and THEN threw the ball. The broadcasters laughed this idiocy off as just Favre being Favre. And yeah, I know that's dangerously close to being Simmons-esque anecdote arguing. But I'm not claiming that proves some larger point here. I'm just trying to be a dick.
He won games at Southern Miss and he won a lot more games with the Packers. He played in two Super Bowls and brought Green Bay its first NFL championship in almost 30 years, winning it in the Superdome, about an hour's drive from his childhood home.
Aw...that's sorta sweet. Don't go melting my cold cybernetic heart now, Jim Mashek.
Favre showed amazing will under the most difficult of times, leading the Packers to an emotional victory on Monday Night Football less than 48 hours after the death of his father, Irvin Favre.
Really? Because that's the first I've ever fucking heard about this. I mean, sure, it was moving and all, but not the fifty-thousandth time you hear about it.
Some will measure Favre's career by his numbers - 61,655 yards, 442 touchdowns,
288 interceptions,
10 playoff appearances,
1 career-ending interception in said playoffs,
countless endorsements
countless Mississippi tractor dealers looking for a new chairman of their boards of trustees...
but it might be easier to gauge by his impact.
True. What was his impact, Jim? I'm a little unclear on that part. Was it the way he played?
Favre's impact will not be tempered by his retirement.
Right, right, but what was his impact? Maybe the Super Bowl?
Brett Favre's impact will be with us for a long, long time.
The records? The consecutive games streak? Seriously, what was his impact?
Well fuck me, that's the end of the article. I guess I'll just have to decide what his impact was. And for my money, it was all the puppies he electrocuted.
But if SI's gonna put it back up, I'm gonna hate it.
I've covered Brett Favre
with my enormous body
throughout his pro career, and when people ask, "What's Favre really like?" I might tell a story about his dead-on imitation of Billy Bob Thornton's character in Sling Blade, or about the time on a hunting trip that I heard him tracking his prey by cooing, "Here grousy-grousy-grousy."
Well, you just told those stories, so you could stop the article here if you'd like.
Or I might tell this story.
Fine.
The setting: Peter King scores a dinner date with Brett Favre. 10 damn years ago. Favre asks King to bring along someone his (Favre's) daughter's age, so she's not bored. This person is named "Brooke".
When the Favre party of 20 assembled at a La Jolla restaurant.
Peter remembers the restaurant and the number of people. Strange? Maybe he just has a good memory...
[The kids] got a kick out of Brett's ordering the sliced ostrich, along with tenderloin of Texas antelope.
Nope. Peter clearly wrote furiously to his diary about this night, and has reviewed every goddamn detail at least weekly since then. Peter, this is creepy.
As we got up to leave, Brooke got a mischievous look in her eye and asked me for a penny. "Hey, Brett," she said, "here's your lucky penny for Sunday. You know, 'Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck.' Carry this with you, and you'll win." He thanked her and put the penny in his pocket. Brooke asked for only one thing: to have her picture taken with Brett and me.
Peter, you're weirdly weaseling yourself into this story. I bet she asked her dad for a stupid penny. And I bet she didn't care one bit whether you were in the picture.
Fast-forward 48 hours. Denver 31, Green Bay 24. In the postgame interview area, Favre, still in uniform, spotted me, and when he was done answering questions, he reached inside his high right sock. He pulled out a very sweaty penny.
And Peter stuck it in his mouth!
"Tell Brooke sorry," he said with a wry smile. "I guess it wasn't very lucky for me today."
Ugggggnnnnnn. Christ. I have a theory. Peter King is writing a book called The 5 Quarterbacks. It's mostly a personal fantasy, in which he follows a rogue band of QBs around the barren countryside, fighting evil. Naturally, Peter spends much time fellating these heroes, and in this dream-world they reciprocate! Anyway, the above scene takes place after a great battle. Romo and Brees stand with heads bowed as Peter tends to a dying Favre (Brady and Manning are off rounding up the last baddies). "Tell Brooke....sorry," says Favre, his voice gruff and his phallus being frantically stimulated by Peter King. "I guess...I guess it wasn't very lucky for me today". Favre then dies, leaving a gaping hole in Peter's life. This hole, like Peter's others, is quickly filled by the four remaining QBs.
Anyway, back to the "article":
"You're kidding!" I said. "You had that penny in your sock all game?"
"Of course," he said. "She said it'd be lucky."
Brett Favre, Simpleton.
Don't ask me how I could forget, but I never told Brooke what happened to the penny -- until I phoned her last week.
"No way! Oh my God, that's insane!" said Brooke, now a sophomore at Cardiff University in Wales...(double majoring in Spanish and philosophy, by the way).
Peter, again with the weird, dude. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you called a friend's teenage daughter at college to get her consent to use her name in this story. However, it's unneeded and strange to include her university, school year and major in an article where you were just supposed to drool on Favre's VictoryScrotum.
"One of my 10 most memorable nights ever! Do you know what I have on my bulletin board here? That photo of me, you and Brett! I look so tiny!" [said Brooke].
Actual quote: "...That photo of me, Brett, and some tubby weirdo who would let go of Brett's hand all night! I look so tiny!"
Seriously, Peter, we get it. There's photographic proof somewhere that you were near Brett Favre once. Chill.
"He is amazing!" she said. And then she paused.
"If he ever retired, how would the NFL replace him?"
I have no way to prove this, but I think Peter said this to himself one(every) day, and attributed it to Brooke because...well, everything Peter thinks about Brett Favre sounds less ridiculous coming from a teenage girl.
...it is from the pride of Biloxi, Mississippi, The Sun Herald. Nothing too much yet, but I'm doing my best to live-blog a man's retirement. Work with me here! Anyway, a few thoughts on what Al Jones has to say about all this...
Legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre will retire, according his brother Scott.
First of all, there really probably should be a "to" in between "according" and "his." I know you're writing this through tears of unfathomable sadness, but that's why you're paid the mid-range bucks! To get that shit right. Also, ESPN got their news from Bus Cook, Brett Favre's agent. I wonder why The Sun Herald had to get it from Scotty Favre?
[Scene: The Sun Herald news room]
Al Jones: Morning all! And what a beautiful day it is!
Birding columnist Ronnie Blackwell: Aye, indeed it tis. As the peregrine falcons finally return to their native climes, I know all must indeed be right with the world.
[Fellow sports columnist Jim Mashek burst in, looking haggard and possibly drunk even though it's 10:00 in the morning.]
Shit. It finally happened. I'm guessing certain people might have an opinion on this. Djmmm (Djemini?) has already posted about this, but I'm sure the floodgates have only just opened.
Gentlemen, I'm fucking calling it. We have a Favre Frenzy on our hands, and it ain't ending until they surgically remove Peter King's mouth from Brett Favre's apparently now retired dick. And trust me, if that image discomfits you...well, the actual article PK is going to write about this will make that positively fucking comforting.
As my man Sean Connery said in that shitty LXG film, "The game is on!"
Brett Favre has retired. Get ready for the journo-porn. As Frank Caliendo said as fake Madden:
Brett Favre is the greatest football player ever. Heck, he's the greatest human being ever! If he had both his arms and legs amputated, he'd be the best torso in football! Ha ha! BOOM!!!
Passive Voice, I think Peter King might have a thing (or 204,395) to say about this...
