In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
Hey, gang! I'm super-excited to do this week's post, if only because I've rarely come across anything as inspiring as Iowa's 1670-foot Hawkeye Point...
1. It's north of Siblet, Iowa and really near the Minnesota border! Isn't that incredible?
2. It's near a silo! Like with grain or stuff, I guess! Assuming the silo is still in use!
3. According to Wikipedia, the best way to get there is, "Hike(?)"! That question mark spells mystery, gang! Come on, to the Mystery Machine!!!
OK, OK, Hawkeye Point is no great shakes. But The Iowa City Press-Citizen is happy to provide a compendium of awesomely meaningless quotes regarding everybody's favorite thing: University of Iowa field hockey. Your humble compiler is Ryan Suchomel. Let's do it, folks!
When thinking about national title contenders and the University of Iowa, most people think about singlets first, not skirts.
I had to look up what "singlet" meant. Turns out it's that skintight wrestling leotard thing. I count it as a rare point in favor of my masculinity that I had no idea what that was.
But the Iowa field hockey team has all but one starter back from last season when they went 17-4 and finished ranked fifth in the nation.
"We have a lot of dreams," senior Lauren Pfeiffer said.
Like, this one time, Melissa Helsel totally dreamed she forgot to study for an exam, and another time Caitlin McCurdy had that one dream where she was falling, and another time Amy Baxter dreamed Christian Bale had finally come to take her away, but first he had to fight a dragon with Jude Law's head for some reason. Needless to say, dragon with the head of Jude Law breathed smug Britishness. Fiery, fiery smug Britishness. Basically, this team is a Jungian wet dream, which in turn was a dream...eh, never mind.
"I do think we can be there at the end of the season," Iowa coach Tracey Griesbaum said. "They felt they made a mark last year, but they want to make it in permanent ink marker and not pencil."
What about one of those washable markers? I mean, as long as you don't, you know, wash it, you should be fine. Also, ballpoint? Would that work? Because I've got a shitload of spare Bics lying around somewhere.
In addition, senior Caroline Blaum was an all-Big Ten pick.
"I am really, really excited. Period. Flat out," Blaum said.
I always appreciated when people punctuate their sentences for you! Oh, um...EXCLAMATION POINT! It removes so much ambiguity, doesn't it? Rhetorical question mark?
"I think we have a great team. On paper, it doesn't take a field hockey professional to realize what we have."
Well, I'm not a field hockey professional, but I'd definitely say you have a field hockey team. Yeah, definitely.
And what do I have? Another completed blog post. Oh, OK, fine, have a YouTube clip on the house. Hell, I'll even make up for last week's Reagan-baiting. Or, at least, that's what I'll claim to Djmmm. Don't tell him of my subtle subterfuge!
Move over, Muppets and Michael Caine, you guys are about to get your Dickensian shit owned. Speaking of which, is there anything better than interviews with Muppets?
No, there isn't.