Friday, February 22, 2008

Oh Gary, you so crazy!

This isn't even bad journalism - it's the Associated Press, for crying out loud, which writes articles the way Billy Beane builds baseball teams: robots, and plenty of 'em. But it is a crazy person saying crazy things, which is more than enough for me to want to have some fun with it.

Gary Sheffield put himself in the spotlight again, and the Detroit Tigers' slugger enjoyed every second of it.

All I can say is, thank goodness for that. I was afraid Gary had mellowed in his old age.

"My family has been trying to get me to walk away for a while now because they don't like the negative stuff that comes my way. I love it," Sheffield acknowledged. "I try to explain it to them, but they think that's some psychotic thing."

That might sound like a harsh diagnosis on the part of Gary's family, but Sheffield is married to B.F. Skinner with their two kids Jean Piaget and Ivan Pavlov with Sigmund Freud retained as a crazy uncle. They travel across America, solving mysteries and looking for the spirit of this great nation. So yeah, if Sheff's family says he's psychotic, I'm inclined to agree.

Sheffield stirred things up Thursday morning by calling Scott Boras, his former agent, a "bad person," in part for going after money the All-Star says he doesn't deserve.

Yes, in part for going after Sheffield's money. The other part is that Scott Boras is a bad person. And by "bad person", I mean "really good at his chosen profession of getting maximum money for millionaires by screwing over billionaires, which for some strange reason is uncool." Also he's kind of a dick.

Sheffield declined to comment on the specifics of the grievance, but the designated hitter has said he represented himself in negotiating his contract with the Yankees.

I find that hard to believe, since I'm pretty sure there are no clauses demanding funding for further research into his pioneering racial theories, ending the current Yankee team policy of slavery, or giving him the right to legally kill R. Kelly. Hell, there's not even any mention of daily personalized shoes from his favorite celebrities, which I'm guessing pretty much starts with Bea Arthur and ends with that minx Betty White. (Check this out for the scoop on Gary's love of's right after the ones about after him fathering two children in his teens and his involvement in an extortion plot. I may have made up his love of The Golden Girls, however.)

Sheffield vowed to say a lot of "ugly things" about various topics when the case is resolved.

"It ain't going to be pretty," he said. "No fine is going to be big enough. No suspension is going to be long enough."

What about one that keeps you about of baseball until you're fifty? What would that be...a ten-game suspension? OOH!!! BURN!!! Gary's so old he was born during the Johnson administration...the ANDREW Johnson administration. Thank you, thank you, I'm here all day. No seriously, I never leave my basement. Also Gary Sheffield is pretty old and could become shitty at baseball at almost any moment. Which is fine by me, because then he could retire and commit all his energy to coming out with batshit crazy opinions. Maybe Gary and Carl Everett could host a show where they desperately try to out-crazy each other (you know, like Skip and Woody's work on First and Ten, only more rational)...

Carl: Look, you know how I don't believe in dinosaurs, but...

Gary: Sorry to interrupt you there...

[Buzzer blares.]

Carl: No apologies!!!

Gary: No apologies!!! But you're making a great point. Paleontologists like fossils found in Latin America because they can control them, put them together however they like. They tell a Latin Australodocus that he's got to go and be a Loncosaurus, well he'll do it because it's his first time in an American museum and he's trying to get ahead. But you find that same fossil in Tampa, well now that's a fossil you've got to treat with respect. It's got to be what it's got to be, and if your classification protocols and binomial nomenclature ain't exact, then your paleontology ain't shit, and that fossil's just going to go back to who he is, which is a Australodocus bohetii that you have to respect.

Carl: You say those words are Latin, but have you ever met a Latin? I reject the existence of Latium and all its satellites of supposed imperialist oppression until Romulus himself steps through here and tells me to mother-humping "Ave!" And no, my dear Garold, Remus just ain't gonna cut it! Seven birds flying overhead my eye!

Gary: We got to take a quick commercial for a bunch of brainwashing corporate Valkyries to sell you on their poorly-produced merchandise that will likely turn you into a giant effete Pavlovian cash machine, and then we'll be back for five good minutes with Beano Cook...

"Nothing happens. Then, he comes back, `I want some more money.' That's basically the way he's acting," Sheffield said. "I don't know why. It's probably personal with him. But when it's done, it's going to be personal with me."

I honestly think Gary is trying too hard at this point, because that last part didn't even really make sense. Are you saying you're going to hunt down and kill Scott Boras after this is all over? Because that's the only reading I can get out of that. I think I'm confused because how is this not already personal to you if you're rambling at such great length about it?

I understand you're looking to ratchet up the intensity, but I feel like talking about making things personal is the Morgan-esque "my revenges need to be more consistent" of veiled death threats. At least say "I'm going to get some satisfaction", which is doubly cool because it evokes nineteenth-century dueling and because juvenile idiots like me can snicker at the idea of you getting satisfaction from Scott Boras. You know, because that implies you'd go gay for Scott Boras.

What I'm saying is, can do better. B- on that last one, B+ overall.

Sheffield is known for saying what's on his mind.

Anonymous Associated Press writer, you have just made an understatement so incredibly understated that even you cannot comprehend how understated it is. Tell me, anonymous AP writer...are you a stoner's conception of God?

Last year, he called the investigation into steroid use in baseball a "witch hunt" that was all about "getting" Barry Bonds. The San Francisco Chronicle reported that Sheffield testified in 2003 before the grand jury that he didn't knowingly take steroids while working out with Bonds.

Look, possibly-divine AP writer, if you're going to reference Gary and steroids, don't try to take the high road by not mention the incredible "steroids is something you shoot in your butt" explanation that Gary gave to explain why he'd never, ever do steroids. Not because they're illegal, but because it might imply he's gay. Which judging by what I've been writing thus far, may be a legitimate concern for Sheff.

"Actually, I'm not supposed to be talking about this at all," Sheffield said. "But, I am anyway."

Your country thanks you, sir. Your country thanks you.

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