Sunday, February 17, 2008

Shane Victorino definitely knows the meaning of the word "rivalry"...

I have a couple stray thoughts on this Jayson Stark piece about the growing Mets-Phillies rivalry. I'm pretty sure I don't have a huge problem with Jayson Stark, although I also am not sure what's the difference between him, Eric Neel, and Jim Caple. I swear they switched their headshots two years ago and I'm still trying to figure out who is now who.

Anyway, there's nothing too egregious, although I can't help but love Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino's definition of "rivalry."

"It's amazing how fast this has become such a great rivalry," said Phillies center fielder Shane Victorino on Sunday. "First, Jimmy makes his statement. Now Carlos is making his statement. It's becoming like, `Who's going to say something next?'"

I'm going to break this story: Shane Victorino prioritizes talking the talk over walking the walk. Also, his definition seems to set the bar for rivalry at "two people talking, not necessarily at each other." By this logic, I'm pretty sure the following count as rivalries:

1. Thanksgiving dinner at the Victorino household (although there actually is a legit rivalry here - Shane's sister knows he stole that coloring book back when they were little, and her revenge is going to be epic on a Wuthering Heights type scale)
2. That one dude who lives down the hall from me who I once grunted noncommitally at because I had clearly made eye contact with him and he sort of grunted back
3. Global conqueror Genghis Khan and Italian mathematician Leonardo Fibonacci, who both lived around the same time and were known to say stuff on occasion. I sometimes wonder, like Shane, "Who's going to say something next?" Answer: neither of them. They're both dead. Sorry to be a downer, but I'm going to treat you like an adult around here, and if that means I have to be the one who tells you Genghis has gone to the great bloodbath in the sky, then so be it.

Then there's this part, which really reveals the glory of the understatement, a literary technique that I too will utilize as I wind down this post. (That's called being meta!)

As a guy who once aspired to be a boxer growing up, [Brett] Myers never met a battle he thought was worth backing away from.

Uh, yeah...I guess that's one way to put it.


Passive Voice said...

Brett Myers never met a broad he wouldn't batter. Pardon me, a batter. A batter he wouldn't battle.

Archie Micklewhite said...

Eh, let's try that link again. Anyway, this is kind of funny, albeit in a really dickish way.