Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Not Tommy Snell, but...

...it is from the pride of Biloxi, Mississippi, The Sun Herald. Nothing too much yet, but I'm doing my best to live-blog a man's retirement. Work with me here! Anyway, a few thoughts on what Al Jones has to say about all this...

Legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre will retire, according his brother Scott.

First of all, there really probably should be a "to" in between "according" and "his." I know you're writing this through tears of unfathomable sadness, but that's why you're paid the mid-range bucks! To get that shit right. Also, ESPN got their news from Bus Cook, Brett Favre's agent. I wonder why The Sun Herald had to get it from Scotty Favre?

[Scene: The Sun Herald news room]

Al Jones: Morning all! And what a beautiful day it is!

Birding columnist Ronnie Blackwell: Aye, indeed it tis. As the peregrine falcons finally return to their native climes, I know all must indeed be right with the world.

[Fellow sports columnist Jim Mashek burst in, looking haggard and possibly drunk even though it's 10:00 in the morning.]

Mashek: Boys, did you see the AP wire?

Blackwell: No...

Jones: What's happened? You look terrible...

Blackwell: It's not the peregrines, is it?

Mashek: WORSE!

Blackwell: Oh god, not the sandhill crane?

Mashek: No...it's Bretty! He's retired!

Jones: Holy...shit...

Blackwell: You're...you must be joking?

Jones: Holy...shit...

Blackwell: Who said?

Mashek: His...his agent.

Jones: Holy...shit...

Blackwell: You mean Bus Cook?

Jones: Holy...

Blackwell: Well why didn't you say so? Never trusted that fucker.

Jones: ...shi...

Mashek: He sounded pretty definite.

Blackwell: Yeah, but his name's "Bus." What kinda name is that?

Mashek: Fucking public transportation. Never could abide it.

Blackwell: At least be Tractor Cook like a real...

Jones: ...it.

Blackwell: ...man.

Jones: Guys, I'm back. And I know what we have to do.

Blackwell: Ask Scott?

Jones: Ask Scott. Gotta keep this shit in the family.

[Goes to window. Opens it.]

Jones: Hey Scott!

[Scott Favre emerges from his Brett Favre Paraphenalia and Erotic Bakery Store.]

Scott: Yeah?

Jones: Shit's true?

Scott: Shit's true!

Jones: Fuck!

Scott: Fuck indeed! Now I might actually have to learn how to erotically bake! Who's gonna buy some retired asshole's vintage Falcons jersey?

Jones: Look, put the paper down for five thousand of 'em! It's the least we can do.

Blackwell: Yeah, and I'll have one of them titty cakes.

Scott: You realize it ain't a bird, right!?

Blackwell: I know what I'm getting!


What can I say? Scott Favre's gold.

Check SunHerald.com for more on this story through the day.

Thank you. Just...thank you.

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