Tuesday, March 4, 2008

This Is Old

But if SI's gonna put it back up, I'm gonna hate it.

I've covered Brett Favre
with my enormous body

throughout his pro career, and when people ask, "What's Favre really like?" I might tell a story about his dead-on imitation of Billy Bob Thornton's character in Sling Blade, or about the time on a hunting trip that I heard him tracking his prey by cooing, "Here grousy-grousy-grousy."
Well, you just told those stories, so you could stop the article here if you'd like.

Or I might tell this story.

The setting: Peter King scores a dinner date with Brett Favre. 10 damn years ago. Favre asks King to bring along someone his (Favre's) daughter's age, so she's not bored. This person is named "Brooke".

When the Favre party of 20 assembled at a La Jolla restaurant.
Peter remembers the restaurant and the number of people. Strange? Maybe he just has a good memory...

[The kids] got a kick out of Brett's ordering the sliced ostrich, along with tenderloin of Texas antelope.
Nope. Peter clearly wrote furiously to his diary about this night, and has reviewed every goddamn detail at least weekly since then. Peter, this is creepy.

As we got up to leave, Brooke got a mischievous look in her eye and asked me for a penny. "Hey, Brett," she said, "here's your lucky penny for Sunday. You know, 'Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck.' Carry this with you, and you'll win." He thanked her and put the penny in his pocket. Brooke asked for only one thing: to have her picture taken with Brett and me.
Peter, you're weirdly weaseling yourself into this story. I bet she asked her dad for a stupid penny. And I bet she didn't care one bit whether you were in the picture.

Fast-forward 48 hours. Denver 31, Green Bay 24. In the postgame interview area, Favre, still in uniform, spotted me, and when he was done answering questions, he reached inside his high right sock. He pulled out a very sweaty penny.
And Peter stuck it in his mouth!

"Tell Brooke sorry," he said with a wry smile. "I guess it wasn't very lucky for me today."
Ugggggnnnnnn. Christ. I have a theory. Peter King is writing a book called The 5 Quarterbacks. It's mostly a personal fantasy, in which he follows a rogue band of QBs around the barren countryside, fighting evil. Naturally, Peter spends much time fellating these heroes, and in this dream-world they reciprocate! Anyway, the above scene takes place after a great battle. Romo and Brees stand with heads bowed as Peter tends to a dying Favre (Brady and Manning are off rounding up the last baddies). "Tell Brooke....sorry," says Favre, his voice gruff and his phallus being frantically stimulated by Peter King. "I guess...I guess it wasn't very
lucky for me today". Favre then dies, leaving a gaping hole in Peter's life. This hole, like Peter's others, is quickly filled by the four remaining QBs.

Anyway, back to the "article":

"You're kidding!" I said. "You had that penny in your sock all game?"

"Of course," he said. "She said it'd be lucky."

Brett Favre, Simpleton.

Don't ask me how I could forget, but I never told Brooke what happened to the penny -- until I phoned her last week.

"No way! Oh my God, that's insane!" said Brooke, now a sophomore at Cardiff University in Wales...(double majoring in Spanish and philosophy, by the way).
Peter, again with the weird, dude. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you called a friend's teenage daughter at college to get her consent to use her name in this story. However, it's unneeded and strange to include her university, school year and major in an article where you were just supposed to drool on Favre's VictoryScrotum.

"One of my 10 most memorable nights ever! Do you know what I have on my bulletin board here? That photo of me, you and Brett! I look so tiny!" [said Brooke].
Actual quote: "...That photo of me, Brett, and some tubby weirdo who would let go of Brett's hand all night! I look so tiny!"

Seriously, Peter, we get it. There's photographic proof somewhere that you were near Brett Favre once. Chill.

"He is amazing!" she said. And then she paused.

"If he ever retired, how would the NFL replace him?"

I have no way to prove this, but I think Peter said this to himself one(every) day, and attributed it to Brooke because...well, everything Peter thinks about Brett Favre sounds less ridiculous coming from a teenage girl.

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