By now, I'm sure you've heard the news: Mark Cuban is banning bloggers from the Dallas locker room. Larry B over at Fire Jay Mariotti has issued a call to arms that we bloggers cut all ties with the Mavericks and no longer say anything about them...EVER. As much as I applaud the idealism of this, I'm happy to report that some of the biggest names of the sports blogosphere have been working on a plan for just this sort of situation. For whatever reason, a nobody schmuck like me was invited to sit in; I believe it's because I volunteered to do the minutes, and from what I've heard Flubby was getting really tired of taking care of that shit. Also I have my own typewriter:
Thank you, Army Surplus.
Anyway, I now present the minutes of the meeting, dutifully recorded this tenth day of March, 2008.
[The scene: Will Leitch's Brooklyn flat, painstakingly decorated to resemble his Mattoon homestead, non-subterranean portions excluded. You know, dude lives in his basement. Like you didn't know that.]
Will Leitch: Well, we suppose you've all heard the news. That crumbum Mark Cuban won't let any of us - including us! - anywhere near the Dallas locker room. Not that we care, of course, but some of us might.
Jamie Mottram: It's a scandal!
Chris Mottram: It's an outrage!!
Cooper Mottram: It's a problem we must solve!!!
Big Daddy Drew: Nice, sweet Oklahoma! reference.
[Everyone stares accusingly.]
BDD: I mean...how about Oklasoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company.
[Everyone nods approvingly. Drew silently laments the death of his musical theater background, which he took up only to have a chance to wear tights like so many of his heroes, like Batman...and Magellan.]
Dan Shanoff: Two words - TOTAL. DOUCHE.
[The Mighty MJD stops swapping spit with Muff Stubble Girl.]
The Mighty MJD: I thought you dropped that schtick when you left ESPN?
Shanoff: I know...
[MJD has already resumed swapping spit with MSG. Thirty Yahoo! commenters immediately point out he should be ashamed for making light of the national tragedy that is muff stubble syndrome. Here's to a cure by 2028!]
Shanoff: ...but that guy's totally giving me the flashbacks.
Hashmarks' Matt Mosley, an ESPN.com Blog Production: Look fellers, I was an award-winning writer with The Dallas Morning News for seven years, so I think I have some perspective on this issue that I'd like to share. You see, much as ESPN recognizes the legitimacy that bloggers - a diverse group of award-winning newspaper writers and award-nominated magazine columnists - can lend to a site in today's world of Web 2.0, I think we'd be remiss if we didn't try to see the owner's perspective. After all, what you as fans might not realize is that an owner has a real stake in his franchise...
[Calling upon his extensive training with the United States Marine Corps, Matt Ufford beats Mosley to death with a chair. Semper fidelis, indeed. None of that paratis Coast Guard bullshit.]
J.E. Skeets: Why the hell did we invite him anyway?
Matt Sussman: Shh!! Calling attention to a comedic premise is a lazy meta-joke and should be avoided.
Skeets: Well, there goes my sense of comedic right and wrong.
Sussman: Anyway, we didn't mean too. We were just trying to invite Henry...
TrueHoop's Henry Abbott, an ESPN.com Blog Production: Boston is best, but the Rockets are red hot. Which makes choosing the top spot in Marc Stein's rankings a tough call.
Sussman: ...and Mosley just sort of tagged along.
TrueHoop's Henry Abbott, an ESPN.com Blog Production: How did Houston get to 19 straight wins? Consider Chuck Hayes' zero shots, 10 rebounds and six fouls in the win over the Nets, says Tim Legler.
Unsilent Majority: Well, as long as he was able to make it, that totally justifies murder.
Christmas Ape: You can barely tell the difference.
[Awful Announcing bangs his shoe against the desk, in reference to NOT Principal Skinner but in fact Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev. Because if there's one blogger who knows his communism, it's AA.]
AA: Gentlemen, to business! Will, I believe you had a plan to address the Cuban situation?
UM: My money's on an exploding cigar.
Monday Morning Punter: Nah, I like the diving suit powdered with deadly fungus.
Flubby: Well, you would.
Leitch: Quiet, you KSK fiends! Always talking at once and never hitting the right beats. Where's the comedy pyramid, I ask?
MMP: Wait, what?
Leitch: Sorry, looks like the Iracane part of our personality took over for a second.
MJD: Oh, so it's only funny when he makes fun of it!
Skeets: Well, it would explain the royal "we" about as well as anything else.
BDD: Wouldn't "pointless affectation" be a hell of a lot simpler?
Skeets: Look, when William of Occam starts weekend editing, then I'll discuss matters of reductionist nominalism.
Leitch: Hey guys, about the last thirty seconds of the conversation, here's what you missed while debating fourteenth century philosophy...
BDD: Rick now?
Sussman: That would be Rick.
Leitch: We have a plan. As you know, some months ago I mentioned I had discovered a contingency plan, something we could unleash if ever the big boys tried moving against us.
MMP: And? What of this grand design, Mr. Speaker!
AA: We're wasting time!
Henry Abbott: The top 50 rookies are ranked. See the impressive Hawk who has soared to the highest spot. David Thorpe reports.
Leitch: Here it is! We dispatched the Balls to his native Philly to bring back the ultimate weapon.
[The Balls enters. He is now deaf.]
The Balls: I did it...Will. I brought the bird home. Just wish I could've made it to the after-party. Remember me to...Pornifrey...
[The Balls collapses, but not before posting a link to RedTube and getting five people fired as a result. Because the power of Daulerio totally compels you to click those links. Oh, totally. Although those bukkake shots in his last Cultural Oddsmaker were a bit much.]
Leitch: He...he comes...
[In bursts the door...]
Stephen A. Smith of Stephen A. Smith's My Blog: I Would Like To Be Known As A person Who Is Concerned About Freedom And Equality And Justice And Prosperity For All People!!!
Skeets: My God...
Xmas Ape: My Grodd...
Ufford: He's...he's perfect.
Stephen A.: I Did Not Get on The Bus To Get Arrested I Got On The Bus To Go Home!!!
MMP: I mean...he is a blogger these days.
Sussman: And could even Mark Cuban stop, stop...
Stephen A.: People Always Say That I Didn't Give Up My Seat Because I Was Tired, But That Isn't True!!! I Was Not Tired Physically, Or No More Tired than I Usually Was At The End Of A Working Day!!! I Was Not Old, Although Some People Have An Image Of Me As Being Old Then. I Was Forty-Two!!! No, The Only Tired I Was, Was Tired Of Giving In!!!
Leitch: Gentlemen...we have ourselves a plan.
Ufford: No...we have ourselves a solution.
BDD: Man, they really do teach you one-liners in the corps, don't they?
Ufford: All part of basic, fist-face.
Leitch: Stephen? Looks like we're sending you to American Airlines Center with one gosh heck of a doctored press pass.
Stephen A.: You May Go On And do So!!!!!
[They all evilly laugh. Somewhere, Mike Lupica has twelve heart attacks. At least...I hope he does. Massive orchestral string, and...OUT!!!!]