Sunday, May 4, 2008

52 52 52 Week #11: The District of Columbia - PART ONE!!!

In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state district by state district basis, progressing through the states districts in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.

So at last, we come to one of the two entries in 52 52 52 that, rather logically, had to be, well, not a state. You know, because there are only 50 states. 52 - 50 = 2. Look, if you're not getting this yet, I can't help you.

What's that? I'm being told every single one of you got that, and that I shouldn't so blatantly treat my readership like they're fucking morons. Sorry, my blood is at least 30% Robitussin at this point, so I'm not exactly at my most cognizant.

In any event, considering this is by its very nature one of the more unique entries, I'm going to be making a bit of a meal of this one. And, by that, I mean I'm splitting this into three, yes, THREE entries. That's right - the littlest state (so little it's not even a state!) is getting the biggest entry. Also, this hopefully will be a really good way to suck up to all those DC-based sports bloggers, which last I checked is every sports blogger who ever lived other than Will Leitch, Matt Ufford, and Matt Sussman.

So, without further ado...

First off, the 410-foot highpoint of DC is in the Tenleytown neighborhood, a fact so momentous that Wikipedia barely even bothers mentioning it. It does, however, go into shocking detail regarding the following...

1. The place was named after tavern owner John Tennally. Originally called Tennally's Town, according to Wikipedia, "over time, the spelling has evolved." I assume this means simplifying its spelling gave it a reproductive advantage over other neighborhoods, causing a shift to the new spelling over the eons. Sorry, I apparently let a humorless Richard Dawkins (but then, is there any other kind?) ghostwrite that last sentence.

(And for the record, yes, there is another kind: the K2-sized dick version of Dawkins. I say K2-sized because I really have to reserve Everest for the douche who actually went to Dachau in order to compare evolutionists to the Nazis. That hopefully concludes my tangential rant, but honestly, who knows? That shit pisses me off something fierce.)

2. Anywho, in much lighter news, the actual location of the highpoint is inside Fort Reno, a decommissioned Union fort that is now a reservoir. The highpoint is somewhere in there. Call me crazy, but I'm guessing most mountaineers don't bother with DC's highpoint.

3. The big change came to Tenleytown in 1941 with the arrival of Sears Roebuck, which "was notable for its size and for its rooftop parking." Parking...on the rooftop!? If that wasn't the biggest story of 1941, I can't imagine what was.

Now, you might imagine with such a tiny strip of land to work with, I wouldn't have many newspapers to choose from. O ye of little knowledge of Washington DC newspapers. One of the newspapers on that list particularly caught my eye. No, no, not the Iran Times International, I've got to save a few choice publications for my sequel series, 192 192 192. No, I couldn't help but notice the most badass name for any newspaper...ever. I speak of course of The Washington Blade. Say it with me:

The Washington...BLADE!!!

Goodness, I can barely even say its name without throwing on a festive "MOTHERFUCKER" at the end. And you know why? I'll tell you why...



Or, to put it more succinctly...



Man, what is it going to take for people to wise up and make a Wesley Snipes/Garry Sheffield variety show? Well, other than Snipes escaping from prison, I guess. And don't make me bust out the Demolition Man clip to prove that shouldn't be much of an issue. What's that? You do need me to bust out that Demolition Man clip? Well, OK, if you insist...



Look, before this post becomes completely hijacked by Wesley Snipes videos

WAIT!!! WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY!!! HIJACKED???

Aw, crap...



All I wanted to point out was that The Washington Blade actually has nothing to do with everybody's favorite Daywalker. Instead, it's actually the oldest LGBT newspaper in the United States, second largest in circulations behind New York's Gay City News, and is considered the gay paper of record in the United States. All of which is well and good, but since they don't have a sports section, I sadly can't feature them. Such a shame.

You know what? I need to regroup and rethink. Thank goodness I'm doing this in three parts. Until I return, amuse yourself with some more of Sir Wesley...



I'd like to think that's something of which The Washington Blade would approve...but yeah, I'm probably going to hell for that one. Oh well.

1 comment:

Djmmm said...

Who would have thought that in 2008, with Swayze's illness and Snipes's tax evasion trial, that Leguizamo would be the best off of all the stars of To Wong Foo..