We've got one hell of a big post coming up next, so let's make this the first middle chapter in trilogy history that isn't massively self-indulgent and long-winded. Well, at least by my standards of self-indulgence and long-windedness.
For this first article, I turn to Dan Daly of The Washington Times, who brings the crazy early and often. That last sentiment applies equally to Dan Daly and The Washington Times, so read it however you want.
Don't understand the furor about this supposed relationship between Roger Clemens and jailbait-aged Mindy McCready back in the '90s.
Wow. Just sheer fucking wow. Dan Daly is claiming he doesn't understand why there might be a furor over a 28-year-old man having a relationship with a 15-year-old. Look, I'm not so much of an asshole that I think that's his genuine position; he's obviously trying to set up a joke. But it better be one hell of a joke.
I mean, it could be a lot worse.
There's the windup. And the pitch...
Rocket could have made a pass at Minnie Pearl.
Huh? Who? Great, now I've got to look up who the fuck Minnie Pearl...oh...
Yeah, I bet she was a featured player in President Eisenhower's pop culture references. Wikipedia says she was a country singer who died in 1996. So here are the possibilities as to why Dan Daly thought that was funny...
1. They're similarly named country singers, and trying to fuck old people is way, way more embarrassing than possibly fucking underage girls.
2. Considering she died in 1996, there's a slight possibility Daly is implying Clemens would have to attempt necrophilia to get with Minnie Pearl. Which would certainly be one hell of a joke, if we lived in a world where "funny" and "creepy" had reversed meanings. A world where Judd Apatow's brilliant but canceled show was Twin Peaks and David Lynch was the ubiquitous producer behind Seth Rogen's career! Actually, I could be up for living in that universe. I wonder if I get a ticket there with a subscription to The Washington Times?
Did you read about the Western Oregon softball player who tore up her knee after hitting a game-winning homer — and was carried around the bases by two opponents?
Of course I read about that incident! Western Oregon softball news is the only sort of news I read!
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if the major leagues picked up on that and instituted, uh, designated carriers.
Huh...why would that be necessary? Is that a reference to beaning hitters, which might knock them out and thus require someone to carry them around?
Heck, if they'd had those a decade ago, Cecil Fielder might still be playing.
Nope, my mistake. Fat joke. Maybe a bit of a druggie joke too, come to think of it.
Well, the NFL Draft came and went, and not a single Alabama player was selected. Imagine: George Washington University had as many draftees as 'Bama, and GW hasn't fielded a football team since 1966.
Shit, Alabama really does suck, doesn't it? I've got nothing to rip on here; I just wanted to second Mr. Daly's opinion. Your move, sir.
I asked colleague Barker Davis, our resident College Football Oracle and a native Tennesseean, for a scouting report on Jerod Mayo, the Volunteers linebacker taken 10th overall by the Patriots. After a couple of paragraphs of nearly unqualified praise — "a beast," "absurd measurables," "very good [football] IQ," "relentless," "freakishly athletic" — Barker added:
"He earned my Uncle Jim's seal of approval and got a hunting dog named after him. That only happens about once every three or four years. Usually LBs. He's had a Neyland, Atkins, Hacksaw, Reggie, Cofer, Toles, Double L [Leonard Little], Big Al, Reynoch, Omar and now Jerod.
That is...that is fucking inane. But wait, where's the endquote? Hmm...it appears that there's a second page on this article. Let's see how this one ends.
"It's always a topic of conversation at Thanksgiving — whether or not anyone on that season's roster merits consideration for the Alpha from his next litter. He always keeps the Alpha and sells the rest."
Was that just a veiled ad for Uncle Jim's quality hunting dogs? Because you just got yourself a buyer. Where should I send my sackfuls of Confederate dimes?
So I'm watching the Redskins defense during minicamp — after the club spent its top four draft picks on offense — and I'm thinking: Maybe the league will award the "D" a Compensatory Player and let it play with 12 men instead of 11.
Dan Daly appears to think the standard rules that everyone agreed to shouldn't have to apply to him or his favorite team, that they're all somehow special and deserve preferential treatment. I don't know where he'd get a crazy idea like that from; certainly not his boss.
Jason Taylor reportedly was miffed when he dropped in on Dolphins boss Bill Parcells the other day — during a break from "Dancing With the Stars" — and Parcells ignored him, didn't say a single word to him. What can I tell ya, Jason? There's room the Ol' Coach's heart for only one Taylor.
I dare you to read that and make sense of it without adding words back into it. And yes, I get the LT reference. Even so, that is just a fucking mess.
Just wondering: When a guy nicknamed Tuna is hired to run a team called the Dolphins, does that qualify as a mixed metaphor?
No. No it fucking doesn't. If you want to hear some quality mixed metaphors, check out the classic British political comedy Yes, (Prime) Minister. Three choice cuts:
1. If you let the cat out of the bag, how can you let sleeping dogs lie?
2. Surely we'll dig up the past, in order to bury the hatchet.
3. If you spill the beans, then you'll open a can of worms
I'd give an example of a mixed metaphor using tuna- and dolphin-related sayings, but no one has ever been stupid enough to come up with one.
Or is it just a Deluxe Seafood Platter?
That was a whole other item, by the way. That was how proud of that Dan Daly is. I'm calling it right now - Dan Daly clubs seals. Because it ain't a deluxe seafood platter until every aquatic mammal has been fucking roasted.
No word yet on whether Marlin Briscoe will rejoin the organization in some capacity.
And another item. My eyeballs are beginning to bleed. Just a little.
While we're on the subject,
You've got more!? Why don't you just mount a dolphin-themed stand-up special while you're at it? I mean, it'll suck, but at least only fifty or so people will be subjected to it.
anybody got a phone number for Kim Herring?
This may be how they get people into the Unification Church. Destroy their souls with horrific Washington Times columns, and then just scoop them up and rebuild them. They're fucking geniuses, those Moonies.
And on that note, which may or may not get me in a whole heap of trouble, let's just calling this post early. We've got big things in store for the last one.