In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
Urgh. Slim pickings this week on the local journalism front. Kentucky, sad to say, doesn't have terribly much to offer. So, because Kentucky has failed me and, by extension, all of you, I will offer a little gift by way of compensation. Since I just wrote "slim pickings", enjoy this moment of iconic cinema from legendary thespian Slim Pickens:
Oh that's classic. Slightly less classic is Black Mountain, which stands at 4,145 feet. Not really a ton to work with here, but I'll try my best...
1. It's near an FAA radar dome. So, um, there's that.
2. A coal company owns the summit, and anyone want to climb to the top has to sign a waiver.
3. Wait, I'm getting something vaguely interesting coming in: "Coal companies have also alleged that mined coal veins converge underneath the summit of Black Mountain and that the summit itself is prone to collapse." I smell a disaster movie! Or at least a reordering of my highpoint list if the thing does collapse.
Yeah, I'm yawning too. Let's just push on.
I'm going to go real local today, because all of the bigger papers were either uninteresting or about racing (both of the horse and car variety), which also falls under the header of "uninteresting" as far as I'm concerned. During my desperate search through pretty much every newspaper in Kentucky, I couldn't help but be mildly amused by the inanity of the first sentence of an article in The Commonwealth Journal about high school softball. Since mild amusement at inanity is pretty much the best I'm going to do this week, I'm rolling with an article about high school softball. If nothing else, the author, one Steve Cornelius, has a pretty awesome name.
Hey, what's that I'm clutching at? Is it straws? Why yes, yes it is! Moving on...
Somerset — When people talk about Pulaski County High School softball, the names of K.K. Holman and Jessica Randolph inevitably come up.
Hey, don't just go assuming stuff like that, Stevie Corn (that's a nickname, you see). I was having a chinwag with a local shop owner just the other day about Andria Hill's key offensive production in the team's success this year, not to mention Samantha Solomon's excellent work at the top of the batting order. Didn't even mention those two so-called inevitable pieces of the Pulaski puzzle. So there!!!
Look, there really isn't anything to work with this week - I had to google random other players on that team for the purposes of that joke up there, which didn't serve to do much beyond make me feel a bit creepy - but I'll be a dick and press on.
“To have two players from the same team be selected as all-staters speaks volumes about their talent on the softball field,” Pulaski coach Scott Taylor said.
What's this "from the same team" business all about? Unless there's some weird Ozzie Guillen 2006 All-Star Game thing going on here, the team they play for should be irrelevant. Man, this is such a stretch.
Randolph holds almost every single-season and career hitting mark for the Lady Maroon program. This year alone, Randolph hit 10 homers, drove in 59 runs, batted an amazing .500 and had an on-base percentage of .583.
Wait, she batted .500 but only on-based .583? Look, high school softball player Jessica Randolph, it's called walking, and even Juan Pierre does it these days. Let's see some plate discipline!!!
This is why I will never coach a high school softball team. Well, that and certain laws.
“K.K. had an amazing offensive year considering she is only a sophomore from an offensive standpoint,” Taylor reasoned. “Basketball has always been K.K.’s first love and it probably always will, but the gap is closing between the two as far as her competitive level in each sport.”
I won't make a big deal out of this, but is "K.K." really that wise a nickname? I dunno, it just seems like that name has way too big a chance for excruciatingly awkward, Curb Your Enthusiasm style misunderstandings. She doesn't even pitch, for goodness sake, which seems like the preferred place for a softball player with the name "K.K."
When another spring rolls around a new group of young girls will take to the Pulaski County High School softball field, and inevitably the number 4 (Holman’s #) and 32 (Randolph’s #) will be donned by two other softball players wanting to emulate the two all-state softball players before them, who set the high standard of excellence for future generations of Lady Maroons to come.
Those numbers probably could have been set up earlier in the article. You know, so that paragraph was pithy instead of forced. Whatever.
Look, I'm going to quit while I'm far, far behind and call it a post. Here are my conclusions:
1. Kentucky sucks.
2. I suck.
3. Pulaski County High School softball rules!!!
Ah well, at least the streak lives. Hopefully next week will have a better crop to choose from (I honestly do not see how it couldn't). Here's to an enjoyable Game 5. Sussman will be live-blogging it over at Deadspin, so I recommend checking that out. I'll be back next week with better stuff.