Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Boston-LA Game 3 Live Blog...and away we go...

8:30 - OK, so it looks like I'm still alive and, much more importantly, have internet access. Because I'm perfectly happy blogging as a zombie. Judging by the wild success of zombie-themed comics (which currently make up about 2,000% of the comics industry, assuming the stat I just made up is accurate), it might actually improve my standing.

Be honest: did you see that reference coming? Because I sure as hell didn't.

8:31 - Stu Scott is setting the scene with his usual shoutastic braggadocio. Could someone a little older than me help me out...was there ever a time when he was cool and/or funny? Or was he always a hack?

Random notes...I'm sort of regretting using the hyphen after the time-stamps. It means I have to use a colon or ellipsis whenever I want to randomly interrupt myself and start a new thought, which is pretty much every other sentence: see what I mean? OK, that was more of a semi-colon situation. Oh, and I'm shocked I spelled braggadocio correctly. This may be the first live-blog dominated by grammar and spelling commentary. You're welcome.

8:33 - Jerry West just said something about the front office being very happy the match-up is what it is. If Bill Simmons is watching the telecast (he's probably in the building), I guarantee some "You rigged the Pau thing from beyond!" thought is passing through his head. Just want to get that out there.

8:36 - Man, that was a snitty last comment. Why the hell did I make it? Oh, right...so I can pat myself on the back if I happen to get it right. And by "pat myself on the back", I do of course mean "justify an unnecessary post."

8:39 - Mark Jackson is not up with Mike Breen quoting Walt Frazier. It was a little weird, I have to admit, but who would Jackson have preferred Breen quote? How about Walt Whitman?

That's beautiful: the hurrah game! well — it's our game: that's the chief fact in connection with it: America's game: has the snap, go fling, of the American atmosphere — belongs as much to our institutions, fits into them as significantly, as our constitutions, laws: is just as important in the sum total of our historic life.

Sure, he was technically talking about baseball, but that's just because basketball hadn't been invented yet. Can't really hold that against him. And don't tell me that quote isn't apropos - Kobe most definitely needs to get his "go fling" on if the Lakers are taking Game 3.

Yeah, I'm using dashes. A man can only fake it with colons and ellipses for so long. You need the real thing after awhile, you know?

8:42 - Wait, should I be doing these with the latest at the top? Crap, I better reorganize things. There we go.

8:44 - My love of Pixar just battled it out with my hatred of ESPN synergy. Synergy won out, unfortunately. Damn it Stu Scott, don't turn me off of Wall-E! He's just so damn cute in a cool eighties sort of way.

8:46 - In the Wipeout promo, a sultry voice just asked, "Does size matter?" You know ABC, asinine double entrendre or not, I really don't need you guys sowing seeds of doubt with regards to my sexual (in)adequacy. I've got my self-doubt to take care of that. Ah well, watching a bunch of basketball players for three hours should take care of any lingering confidence issues I might have.

This is probably inane of me to even say, but isn't Wall-E just the robot from that Disney ride? You know, Star Tours?

Ah crap, now I'm being synergistic.

8:50 - Wilbon said the Lakers weren't going to suddenly become "the '85 Chicago Bears" in terms of their defensive play. Even as a pseudo-Chicagoan, I found that a little unnecessarily homerish.

8:51 - This is from awhile ago, but Stu Scott said Ray Allen is a Hollywood guy because he was in He Got Game. He does realize that movie was shot nowhere near Hollywood, right? And that Spike Lee is pretty much the filmmaker most associated with New York, now that Woody Allen has decamped to Europe to shoot softcore lesbian celebrity porn. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Hell, there's pretty much everything right about that.

8:53 - Those were some funky weird organ cues on the Celtic/Laker introductions. I'm pretty sure Clue had more dramatic scoring. I mean the movie, not the board game. Although now that I mention it...

8:54 - Pretty throaty national anthem from David Cook. I would have said "the American Idol dude", but the PA announcer said his name again. Ah well. You guys still know I'm hard and badass, right?

8:56 - Were they supposed to throw a spotlight on Doc Rivers? Dude seemed a little bemused at standing glumly in the darkness. Wait...can you stand "glumly"? I have no idea.

8:58 - I don't want to agree with Simmons on anything - thank goodness he doesn't appear to care for The Simpsons that much - but the boos and cheers seem a little half-hearted.

8:59 - Phil Jackson looked a little...grim. I'm going to go with grim. I was thinking maybe I could argue he seemed a little elsewhere, setting up a tremendous Jon Stewart/Half Baked reference. Eh, fuck it, I'm going to go there anywhere. *AHEM*...

"You ever coach an NBA Finals...ON WEED!?"

9:00 - Finals montage had that always nice Rudy Tomjonavich "Don't ever underestimate the heart of a champion" quote. Hey, you remember when Rudy coached the Lakers? Me neither.

9:02 - Jeff Van Gundy argued Game 3 is critical for the Celtics if they want to win this series. Well, in the sense that going up 3-0 would, historically speaking, clinch the series, then yeah, I guess. But honestly, isn't Game 3 when you're up 2-0 about as non-critical as a finals game can possibly be? Other than any games after you're up 3-0, of course.

9:05 - So we've gone from game shows to reality shows to Japanese game shows? That sounds about right, although nobody's surviving anything for reals until someone stares down a Komodo dragon. Those things are lethal, right?

9:06 - And the game is underway. Since LA won the tipoff, I assume they will cruise to a 200-0 victory. Instant history motherfucker!

9:08 - Huh...so now I have to blog about the game. I didn't quite realize I'd have to do that. Give me a second.

9:09 - Wow...this is a sloppy game thus far. I'm hoping we get one of those "one dude tries to tip in his own shot repeatedly but to no avail" situations before too long. That was always my primary move when playing my younger brother in one-on-one.

9:11 - Paul Pierce crashes into the stands; Mike Breen says that's familiar territory. Because there are two parts of California: the Lakers court...and the rest. And all non-court parts of the Staple Center count as "the rest."

9:12 - This is the most dominating 6-2 lead I've ever seen. I can see why I don't usually do this.

9:16 - Fisher to Byrant? What is this, 2002? Nah, that's impossible. There hadn't even been one Hulk movie in 2002. Speaking of which, I should probably go ahead and say SPOILER ALERT!!! right now:

You know, I think I'm at the point where I'd pay to see any movie if it featured a brief cameo by Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. And yes, that might even include Sex & the City 2. I mean, wouldn't that be sort of awesome? Sort of!?

9:20 - Jeff Van Gundy didn't like that Mark Jackson "left him hanging" by not audibly agreeing with his point. To be fair, it is a little difficult to say anything when you're busy fellating Jeff Van Gundy. But only a little. He's not Ron Jeremy Stan Van Gundy, after all.

This better be the dirtiest entry in this live-blog.

9:23 - Kendrick Perkins almost did that thing I mentioned earlier. Sure it was only one tip-in and it was Paul Pierce who first shot it, but it was sloppy and pretty much depended on pure height, because there was zero talent on display there.

9:27 - Missed dunk, desperate out-of-bounds recovery, failed desperate out-of-bounds recovery. Oh for goodness sake.

9:29 - The new Hancock trailer used "Sabotage" as the music. What's that, "Sabotage" music video? You want me to embed you? But I'm in the middle of a live-blog...

Quoting The Simpsons and ripping off Kissing Suzy Kolber is never a bad way to go. Wait...that may have been redundant.

9:35 - I think Sam Cassell might like to shoot a little more often than he should. Just a theory. But then again, what the hell are they going to do? Cut his ass? Like that's not going to happen anyway. I'm pretty sure Sam Cassell has nothing left to play for except Sam Cassell. Whatever the hell that is.

9:37 - You know what I said about Sam Cassell? I mean, like, literally two minutes ago? Yeah, same goes for Sasha Vujacic. If he's got the ball when the whistle blows, he's shooting that shit. Not that that's anything surprising.

9:41 - "Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce have yet to score. How can they be more productive?" By scoring, Michele. By scoring. And I don't mean Wilt-style.

9:43 - I feel like a Simmons-esque asshole for even asking this, but is Luke Walton more a Bill Walton or a Ben Affleck? Or maybe some form of unholy cross?

9:44 - Either they're really fouling Kobe, or else dude's getting his Manu Ginobili on. Which I am not OK with, considering I made it quite clear he needed to get his fling on. C'mon, Kobe - what Walt Whitman said makes sense! Stick with it!

9:46 - Mike Breen just impersonated Bill Walton so he could mockingly chastise Luke Walton. It's amazing how unprofessional this crew is willing to be. I mean, Jeff Van Gundy just declared something, "The best pass in Laker history!" to continue the Walton-age, and then Mark Jackson begged off his own attempt. Frankly, I'm a fan of such high-spirited inanity. I'd rather have that than Joe Buck asshattery.

Blogger doesn't think "asshattery" is a word. Blogger is an asshattery. You read that right.

9:50 - I can't believe ABC's new hospital reality series Hopkins (at least the film stock made me assume it's a reality show - damned if I'm looking it up) felt the need to actually write "passionate hospital drama" and "dramatically real" as the announcer said them. I honestly thought it was going to be some tastefully questionable parody, the captions were that inane.

9:54 - Garnett is 0-for-7. Pierce is on the bench. Kobe has 17 in the first half. Shouldn't the Lakers be up more than six? Maybe just a little?

9:56 - Again Sasha Vujacic shoots after the whistle, and then we cut straight to Phil Jackson with some choice words for everybody's favorite Slovenian. (Sasha is from Slovenia, people. It's in Europe. Borders Italy, matter of fact.) Coincidence? Oh I think not.

9:58 - Crazy thought...is Larry Bird's right side the side they should have gone with? His left side profile just seems a little off. Or is he one of those dudes who you have to see both sides in order to recognize them properly? Just another reason why that commercial is a whole 'nother category of creepy.

10:00 - Jeff Van Gundy shills for Wall-E with an insane exuberance that Stu Scott cannot even dream of matching. You sort of suspect he might start babbling about some other multinational media corporation's summer tentpole releases at any moment. I look forward to some bizarre Kung Fu Panda analogies in the near future.

10:02 - Sasha Vujacic has ten points in nine minutes. Hackneyed as the joke may be, I should point out he's actually scored about thirty points during that time. Yeah...not worth it.

10:06 - While we're talking Vujacic, Mark Jackson claims Vujacic said, "Got you!" after catching a defender out. Maybe Mark, but I believe he actually would have said, "ZasluĹžiti vi!" By the way, to our legion of Slovenian readers, I'll admit that wasn't even close to an accurate translation. Sorry 'bout that.

10:10 - Mark Jackson "questions the taste" of a boy with a life-threatening illness who, with complete access to both Finals teams and a slew of NBA legends, wanted nothing more than to meet Jon Barry. Jeff Van Gundy gives a not-at-all insanely exuberant, "Amen!" to this, adding only that, "I coached Barry!" I can see why people don't like Van Gundy's schtick. I get it...but thankfully, I don't agree with it. Dude's hysterical.

10:13 - Wow...what is up with the free throw woes? And yes, that's pretty much the extent of my basketball analysis.

10:16 - Kobe has shot more free throws by himself in the first half than the Lakers did in all of Game 2. Someone's getting his Leon Powe on.

10:18 - Wow...Kobe can be an awkward interview. Well, the Lakers are up, it's the half, and I'm taking a break to get some caffeine. See you at the start of the second half. Or whenever the hell I feel like resuming. Whichever is earlier. So keep furiously refreshing, hoping for more beautiful live-blog! Eh, who am I kidding? Nobody's reading. Still fun though.

10:29 - I may be gay (or, at the very least, Paul Rudd), because this Coldplay iTunes single is exciting the hell out of me. Or maybe it's just because I know behind that pretty voice and banging of Gwyneth Paltrow the dude is just like me - a soulless bastard...

10:32 - Stu Scott is breaking down the Tim Donaghy situation like he's a journalist or something. It's really bizarre that Jeff Van Gundy is involved in this situation while also being a commentator. Huh...they're just about getting away with a relatively massive conflict of interest.

10:38 - Hey...I've been misspelling Mark Jackson's name this whole time. I feel like such an ass. Ah well, time to get my 1984 on and correct that little mistake out of existence.

10:41 - The Happening looks like the dumbest fucking thing ever. Although the presence of Marky Mark is always appreciated. I just can't get over the trailers actually featuring the lines, "There seems to be an event happening!" and "How can this be happening?!"

10:43 - Four of the six top players in this series have utterly failed to show up. Whenever Garnett, Pierce, Odom, and Gasol want to start participating, that'd be great. I'm just saying is all.

10:44 - That was a bitchy thing to say. Sorry about that. I'm an ass and whatnot.

10:44 - Djmmm chiming in here. Dude, I was just gonna say that I thought The Happening looked like it'll be REALLY fucking creepy. In any event, can we agree that if the Celtics pull this series out, that will pretty much put the whole "COACHING IS REALLY IMPORTANT!!!" argument to bed?

10:48 - These Michael Jordan Hanes commercials seem to be lacking in clear motivation. I mean, I got the point of the old series - Hanes is so comfortable that it causes homoerotic interplay between Michael and Kevin Bacon. But Cuba Gooding Jr. wearing His Airness's underwear? How...odd.

10:52 - And yes, Djmmm, you shameless interloper you, I imagine a Doc Rivers defeats Phil Jackson scenario would certainly help make the case coaching is inconsequential. Although I think it still might be an argument that if the teams are evenly matched, coaching is a tie-breaker. Maybe. I dunno, one series doesn't really prove much of anything, does it?

10:56 - Not to hate on The Happening unnecessarily, I'd like to do some absolutely necessary hating on The Happening. Far be it for me to stop people enjoying what they want to enjoy, but this was pretty much game over for me. Well, that and the fact the only M. Night movie I even vaguely liked was Unbreakable.

11:01 - OK, back to the game. Hmm...Celtics are now leading. Crap. I should really watch this game. Eh, maybe not.

11:04 - Jeff Van Gundy is insane. His favorite celebrity here is Alyssa Milano, and "If I was Nick...Latch-EE, is it?...I wouldn't let her out of my sight. There are a lot of vultures in LA!" The man may well be clinically insane. I'm completely OK with that.

11:07 - More shameless interloping. I love how Spielberg just sort of smiled and shrugged sort of embarrassed at the camera. It was as if he was saying, "Djmmm, I'm really sorry about that whole Indiana Jones debacle. In fact, I don't doubt it had at least something to do with your failure to get to first base with that girl that night. It was terrible, and I'm sorry. But please, feel free to blame George. This was 90 percent his fault, man." Fuckin' Crystal Skull, man.

11:08 - Someone who has been actually paying attention might like to tally up just how many missed layups and dunks there have been. I'm guessing there have been...a lot. Yeah, I'm going to go with "a lot."

11:13 - Is Sasha Vujacic the Slovenian Marmalard? I may have to email Christmas Ape for a ruling. Eh...maybe not.

11:15 - Aren't the Lakers supposed to have more than 63 points with 10:37 left in the game? I mean...aren't they?
And Djmmm - your interloping almost deleted two of my entries! Two of them I say!

11:17 - Tough offensive foul on Lamar Odom. I refuse to say Bill Simmons told me so, however, in re the whole "Lamar will come up small" thing

11:19 - Kobe missed the free throw, then kinda kicked it back to the ref. Jeff Van Gundy just suggested a "Hack-a-Bryant" strategy. If the Lakers lose by less than Kobe's missed free throws, horrible things may happen in LA tonight. I mean more horrible than usual.

11:21 - I'm sure this point has been made elsewhere, but can Will Ferrell live out the rest of his career in two-minute increments? Because that might work.

11:22 - The shamelessness of this Honda Pilot commercial really spoke to me. It was sort of the "me emailing Will Leitch begging him to link me" of car commercials. Needless to say, I approve.

11:25 - Jeff Van Gundy apparently does not understand the cultural importance of the barbershop. He then makes a brilliant point that I'm sure Djmmm will heartily endorse: "Here's who I check in any coaching match-up...whoever has the best players!"

11:27 - Van Gundy doesn't like that he has to pay the same rate as a guy with a full head of hair at the boutique. He believes "this is wrong on so many levels" and claims "this has hurt his whole family." Keep in mind that it's the fourth quarter of Game 3 of the NBA Finals. If I was blind and thus could not actually seem the game action if I so chose, I could imagine myself getting really pissed off at Jeff Van Gundy.

11:30 - The crowd is chanting "M-V-P" to pump up Kobe. Why do I suspect something more along the lines of "Kill, Mamba...KILL!!!" would be more effective? Still, it worked.

11:33 - I hate to bust out a cliche, but Lamar Odom is doing pretty much everything other that scoring to help his team. Of course, scoring would be nice. Wait, was that too inane to be even a cliche? That may just have been a description of facts.

11:37 - As Djmmm very politely points out in the comments, I pretty much elided right over the whole Celtics leaving Kobe completely alone thing. As was pointed out, that's pretty much the most open Kobe Bryant has been in, well, forever really. I dunno, I can't really chalk it up to much beyond an odd defensive breakdown. Of course, judging by his free throws tonight, leaving Kobe open may actually be a valid defensive strategy. I immediately regret writing that.

11:39 - If I can just be a pure basketball fan for a second, I have to point out that I fucking love watching the Lakers pass. Just brilliant stuff. Of course, it can seem a little all for naught if they don't score, but it's still awful perdy. "Perdy" is rustic for "pretty", by the way. And of course "rustic" is euphemism for "redneck."

11:41 - Van Gundy: "It isn't illegal if they don't call it!" Good to hear Jeff and Homer Simpson agree on basic points of jurisprudence.

11:45 - Holy shit is this shit dramatic. It'd be even more dramatic if Kobe Bryant had touched the ball.

11:46 - Vujacic is clearly a massive douche. But since I'm vaguely rooting for the Lakers, that means he's vaguely my massive douche. So, um...go Sasha go!!!

11:48 - Off the top of my head, Bryant and Vujacic have been responsible for about 2/3 of the Lakers' scoring tonight. That's probably significant. Damned if I know why though.

11:50 - Jeff Van Gundy does not care for people pounding their hearts and apparently will "lose it" if it happens again. He also "can read lips" and claims the words between Bryant and Pierce "isn't as friendly as it appears." I should probably add jokes here, but I kinda just want to give Van Gundy room for his genius.

11:51 - Dueling threes? Wide open dunks? We may reach a 100 yet! No, no we won't, but still.

11:52 - Mark Jackson said "Ray Allen shutting down Kobe Bryant isn't happening in our lifetime." Lifetime you say? What about when Allen was 6 and Kobe was 3? Maybe? Wow...I'm still dubious that Ray could pull it off. Nothing against him either.

11:53 - Offensive foul against Garnett with 21.1 seconds left and a six-point lead. Never say never, but...

11:54 - Well, Doc Rivers agrees with me, apparently. No fouls (other than Lamar Odom's not-at-all inevitable offensive foul with six left) and the Lakers win. Paul Pierce finishes with 6 points. I'm guessing he may improve on that one in Game 4. Just a guess. Thank goodness this is actually going to be a series.

Hope you've enjoyed the live-blog. Now to shuffle everything again so that you can read it back in chronological order. Because we're all about the posterity around these parts.


Djmmm said...

Dude.... FUCK. Dude. This is fucking hard to read. FUCK. Latest posts should be at the BOTTOM. UGH!!!!

As for Stuart Scott, once upon a time, a LONG ASS TIME AGO, his routine was relatively fresh and cool. At some point, it became what it is now-- tired, hacky, and unfunny.

Archie Micklewhite said...

Sorry it's hard to read. I thought you were supposed to put latest at the top? I think once you get caught up this format will be preferable.

Djmmm said...


As to the iTunes thing, I don't care much for Coldplay, though I don't actively dislike them either. Still, I think iTunes commercials can make ANY band look massively douchey (at least to me), which makes me happy that my favorite band ever is notoriously feuding with Steve Jobs so that we won't see a Lennon silhouette jamming to Day Tripper on some silly ass commercial any time soon.

Djmmm said...

11:29-- Since you don't want me interlopin', I'll mention it here and hope you mention it also, but seriously, man... what the hell was up with leaving Kobe COMPLETELY open. I've never seen anything like that in my life.

Jonathan said...

Nice job.