Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Burn the flip-flopper! Burn him I say!

At the risk of getting all political and shit, it looks like this election might not be quite so historic after all. From CNN...

Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama back-tracked on one campaign trail prediction Tuesday, switching his pick in this year’s NBA Finals.

And here I thought Barack Obama was somehow different from John Kerry. I'm so ashamed to be loosely allied with the Democratic Party (I'm the Bassas da India to their France, or something like that...*). Just get it over with and tase me now. No, seriously bro, fucking tase me. Only way to wipe away the pain. You know, by adding more pain. Of the tased variety.

“I tell you what, I thought the Lakers were the better team,” he told NPR’s All Things Considered, according to a transcript of an interview scheduled to air Tuesday night. “But the Celtics have been tough. I might have to revise my prediction here. I assumed Lakers in six. I don’t think that’s realistic now at this point…It does not look like it. It may be Celtics in six.”

It may be Celtics in six, Mr. Obama? (Sorry to get all formal, but when I pretend to directly address presidential candidates I bust out the New York Times style guide.) Where's the insane certainty? This is why that rock solid opinion machine Skip Bayless is going to stomp your ass come November.

(Wait...Skip Bayless isn't the Republican nominee? Huh, my mistake; I guess all white people just look the same to me. Or perhaps I just really like the thought of Skip Bayless spending five years being tortured by the Viet Cong.)

The Illinois senator said that even though he had lived in Boston for several years as a student at Harvard Law School, “the truth is that I’ve got no dog in this hunt.”

“I’m a Bulls fan. We’ve gone through a drought for quite some time now. But we got the number-one draft pick, so our games may get a little bit better.”

Huh...Illinois connection, Boston residence, no rooting interest, Bulls fan, excitement about the top pick...that's eerily similar to my situation. What if...what if I'm really Barack Obama? Nah, that's ridiculous. I imagine for a fact that Obama hates Michael Caine and Cary Grant, so why would be create his deviously clever pseudonym from their real names? He wouldn't, that's why. Oh, and the whole all sports bloggers are white things. I just thought I'd spare you that hoary old cliche being the primary joke. Not that my replacement was much better; we all know it's pretty much impossible to hate Michael Caine, and I apologize for suggesting otherwise.

Finally, take a look at the picture and caption that accompanied the article. I've heard of bizarre juxtapositions, but this takes the cake:

Obama rooting for the Celtics.

Obama...rooting...for the Celtics? From that picture? In context with this article? Where he actually said "I've got no dog in this race"? Wow, it's like the caption guy over at CNN doesn't even care. You know CNN, I'd be happy to do it. CNN, how do you feel about random Highlander references captioning any photo of a Scotsman and/or person over ninety? Because for a mere eight-figure income, that could be yours.

*Did that simile work? You can be honest. Well, don't be too honest. OK, just tell me it worked.

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