Sunday, April 6, 2008

52 52 52 Week #7: Virginia

In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.

First of all, major props to Passive Voice for his excellent work this week; it really allowed me to rationalize not posting, which was nice. Also the posts were awesome. Seriously, go read them, though preferably after you've read this one.

Now, I've been more than a bit quiet on the posting front lately, and for that I apologize. I'll try to get back into more of a groove next week, but honestly, who knows? As much as anything else, I just haven't found too many terrible articles lately. A lot of "meh" nonsense, but not as much truly awful shit. Besides, it's hard to truly hate sports after seeing something this beautiful:



Man, I love life. But if there's one thing I love even more than life (and all its life-related accessories, such as fish), it's making fun of obscure local journalists and dispensing random factoids about the state highpoints. This week? Virginia and its beautiful Mount Rogers, which soars majestically to 5,729 feet. Here's what you need to know about Mount Rogers:

1. Mount Rogers is apparently the only place in Virginia that still shows signs of ancient glaciation. So I'm guessing if you're looking to save money on a refrigerator in Virginia, leaving all your soda atop Mount Rogers is an option. That's how cold works, right?

2. According to Wikipedia, "It is more widely accepted that the conifer decline on and around Mount Rogers is the effect of Acid-rain and parasites." I guess that's one way to dismiss my supposedly radical "Virginia Governor Tim Kaine is eating all the conifers!" theory. I'm the last angry man, dammit, and I'm going to keep on telling the truth until they shut me up. Huh, there's a knock at the door...the fist sounded burly. Maybe shouldn't answer that...

3. It's located in Grayson County. Hmm...Grayson. What does that make me think of?

Look, if you already know which acclaimed Batman-related fake trailer I'm about to embed, congratulations, you've forged a special unspoken bond with me. (And if you happen to be Playmate and supposed computer nerd Raquel Gibson, let's grab lunch sometime.)



With all that embedded craziness (and, to a more linked extent, hotness) out of the way, let's talk this week's article, which is by Bob Molinaro of The Virginian-Pilot. On some level, I wish it actually lived up to its name and was for airplane pilots of a Virginian persuasion, but sadly it's just the paper of record for most of Virginia. The newspaper apparently did some Pulitzer-winning work on desegregation back in the day, which was quite likely courageous. Good for them.

But...writing a piece about Brett Favre? In April? That takes a whole different kind of courage. The courage...to be shitty.

Something about Favre says he's not coming back

Maybe the fact that he, you know, retired? I mean, he cried about it and everything. Still, I'll humor this, because what else do I have to do? (Hint: Nothing.)

Wondering: If Brett Favre actually has interest in coming back for another season, it's fair to assume he'd only sign with a playoff contender. But don't bona fide contenders already have good quarterbacks? Isn't that what makes them contenders?

Mandatory mentions of Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson to refute that, double mention of Rex Grossman, brief survey of shitty quarterbacks on playoff teams this year, random reference to British science fiction, and...we're golden.

Sorry, that point was so easy to refute I figured I'd just outline how I'd go about doing it. What, you want the real thing? Fine...

In his one year with Baltimore, Trent Dilfer threw 1502 yards with a 58.9% completion percentage, had a split of 12 touchdowns and 11 interceptions, and sported a 76.6 QB rating (disclaimer: I don't like the QB rating for a number of reasons, but it's roughly useful). Maybe not the most terrible stats ever, but that's strictly average quarterbacking. Brad Johnson was much, much better, but again, he wasn't the real reason why Tampa Bay won the Super Bowl. And Rex Grossman? For fuck's sake, we're talking 20 interceptions. Dear lord...

Fucking Rex Grossman. Seriously.

The point, of course, is that it's been repeatedly shown that a staunch defense can carry a lackluster, even outright shitty, quarterback to the Super Bowl. And hell, the defense doesn't even need to be that good if all you want to be is a playoff contender. Just ask Vince Young, Philip Rivers, and, yes, even Eli "Made His Entire Career on One Drive" Manning.

And now, for no reason other than I promised I'd reference British sci-fi, my favorite opening credits of all time:



God, you can just taste the groovy.

Add Brett Not to belabor the point, but didn't Favre just retire from a playoff team?

Yes, yes he did. Brett Favre is sort of an ass that way. Of course, it's really just been his agent looking into other teams, but still, I think the thesis is that Favre wants to play for a team with more weapons around him. You know, a team that would be a contender without him. Whether or not the Packers fit that bill is now up to Aaron Rodgers, commonly known in Wisconsin by his nickname, "Who the fuck is Aaron Rodgers?" Well, probably, "Who the frick is Aaron Rodgers?" I'm not sure Wisconsin has discovered actual profanity yet. But the intent is there.

Quick hit The NFL's proposed ban against long hair gives new meaning to the term "split end."

For this joke to work, I think Troy Polamalu would have to have shitty hair with lots of split ends. Clearly, that isn't the case:



Also, that joke has several equivalents involving the term "tight end." Needless to say, they're all porn-related.

Prudes Judging from the reaction - and overreaction - to pictures on the Internet of Matt Leinart frolicking in a hot tub and joining in drinking games with young women, Joe Namath couldn't play in today's NFL.

Wait, did I miss the part where Matt Leinart got cut by the Arizona Cardinals and had to go play with the Tulsa Talons of af2 (so fucking minor it can't even afford to capitalize its initials)? Dude, a couple idiots wrote editorials and the whole thing went away. Joe Namath would probably not be quite as unquestioningly idolized as I assume he was back in his heyday, but I'm sure the man would have no trouble keeping a job in the modern NFL.

Hue's your daddy? The Final Four men's teams all feature a shade of the same school color. If your bracket didn't include North Carolina, Kansas, UCLA and Memphis in San Antonio, you blue it.

Love the wordplay, of course. I mean, it's one thing to do the whole "hue" thing at the start, but then to end with "blue"? That's a chiasmus of color puns, that's what that is. And I fucking love it.

You know what the really sad part about that observation is? That's probably how a few idiots chose their brackets. Well, that and the "They're all number 1s thing!" But I'm sure some idiots said, "Blue's my favorite color, so it must be a sign!" And they beat all the so-called "experts" in the office pool. Actually, I'm OK with that last part. The "experts" are kinda jerks themselves.

Alienating everybody, yes sir. I wasn't kidding around when I named this blog.

Next step It's impossible not to be impressed with Tennessee's Candace Parker. She's got it all - height, ability, looks, grace. From a basketball standpoint, all she's lacking is a fitting stage for her talents after college. The WNBA? Puh-leeze.

I'm at a loss as to what his point is. I mean, sure, the WNBA sucks. But so what? It's the best out there for female basketball players, and that's partially reflected by the simple fact that female players are, on average, inferior to their male counterparts. And until the day we achieve the level of athletic quality seen in that mixed-gender football game in Starship Troopers, I'm not sure what else there is to say regarding Candace Parker's future. Well, I do have one idea, but it's way too East German for my tastes.

Spin City So Barack Obama bowled a 37 while making a campaign stop in Pennsylvania. That's very embarrassing. Even so, his score was higher than President Bush's approval rating.

Although the 37 was out of 300 possible points, while Bush's 28% rating is out of 100 sorta by definition. So Barack really scored a 12.3% on a transformed scale, I think. Wait...what the hell am I saying? Good point, Bob Molinaro, I think, assuming your point is that Barack Obama's bowling score isn't relevant beyond the simple fact that my goodness, he sure does suck at that there bowling.

[Editor's Note: We would be remiss if we didn't embed the following image to show that perhaps there is an inverse relationship between skill at bowling and integrity, though we recognize Obama may still, in fact be a creepy demagogue of Eli Sunday-esque proportions.]

Nixon Bowling

Reality check This week's breathless reports that Indiana hire Tom Crean is taking over at one of the country's premier basketball factories was another example of the media not allowing the facts to get in the way of a good story. Outside parts of the Midwest right now, Indiana is barely relevant.

Weren't they 17-1 before the Kelvin Sampson shit hit the proverbial fans? And they were in the championship game a few years back. I mean, I imagine sanctions are going to hit them hard and all, but they're not exactly Michigan...yet.

Hoops du jour ESPN's relentless promotion of women's basketball gives the impression that it's more popular than it really is. In Greensboro, N.C., on Tuesday night, high-profile UConn and Rutgers played a regional final before an intimate gathering of 4,623.

Which kinda calls into question why you think anybody gives two shits about Candace Parker's future. Doesn't really sound like she has the proper showcase now, let alone at the next level. I'm just saying is all.

Good stuff I was watching TV late Thursday night when David Beckham scored a goal, then executed a cheeky little pass to Landon Donovan for another score. You know I'm talking about soccer, right?

Yes, because those are two of the most famous soccer players in the world, especially David Beckham, who despite his utter failure to bring soccer to the US is still a pretty legitimate celebrity. That joke only works if you reference, I dunno, Peter Vagenas and Michael Gavin. Or something.

Help defense The NFL eliminated the push-out rule on sideline pass plays - a bad move, if you ask me - to relieve officials of a judgment call. What exactly are the zebras out there for if not to make judgment calls?

*HERE COMES A CHEAP SHOT*

I believe they're there to provide Bill Simmons with rationalizations for subpar Patriots performances.

*THERE GOES THE CHEAP SHOT*

Ah, it's good to be back.

3 comments:

Archie Micklewhite said...

So wait, Djmmm, you're the blog's editor now? When did that vote go down?

Not that I have any issue with that Nixon bowling photo making the rounds. That shit's fucking sweet.

Djmmm46 said...

The organizational structure is like our beloved college paper, The Ivy University Times where EVERYONE gets to be an editor.

Archie Micklewhite said...

Does that mean we have to start publishing class years? Because my degree from the school of hard knocks is eternal, dude.