Monday, April 7, 2008

Woody Paige...honestly, what is there left to say at this point (beyond everything I'm about to say in this post)?

As linked by Deadspin weekend daddy Matt Sussman (more on him in an upcoming post), Woody Paige is back with his inimitable brand of bizarre, impenetrable quasi-prose. The latest topic? The Denver Nuggets.

No Artest, no Miller, no place to go and no way to get there for Sacramento.

I read this three times before understanding everything that was being said. This might be acceptable if the author was James Joyce. But since Woody Paige is not, to the best of my knowledge, a drunken, half-insane Irishman rocking a killer eyepatch, I'm afraid that excuse just isn't going to fly.

Hakuna matata.

Apparently, it's 1994 and no one told me. My god, think of all the things I can do, all the people I can now save! Like, um...I imagine I can stop that asteroid from destroying the Moon, as seen in the documentary Thundarr the Barbarian, or maybe even keep Godzilla from falling into that black hole like in the vintage newsreel series Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla. Or at least I think that's the stuff that happened in 1994.

It means "no worries" for the Nuggets.

It actually means "no worries" for everyone. Well, it actually means something closer to "no problem". Or, if you're being cynical, it means "give Disney your money, your precious, sweet money."


That's an entire paragraph. I think that's meant to be the imperative ordering us to worry, but I much prefer the idea that Woody just thought of the abstract concept of worrying and felt like giving it a shout-out.

Kings beat Jokers Saturday night.

Would it be so hard to include a "the" or two in there? Or would the definite article just completely destroy the faux-rhyme scheme?

George Karl should have stolen his postgame speech from a former Indianapolis Colts coach: "Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs. I'm just hoping we can win a game, another game."

There is actually something absurdly appealing about George Karl repeating by rote one of the most infamously off-the-cuff speeches in history, especially if he did it in a Kaufman-esque monotone. Look, I know I'm a little on the insane side, but if that's the first thing that comes to mind, I think that might hint at how weird Woody's idea is.

Instead, Karl said: "It was going to be one of those games where we tried to outscore them, and we didn't score enough. . . . This is not the time to point the blame on anyone."

I will. Blame all of them, including Karl and especially J.R. Smith.

Far be it for me to dispute the convention wisdom that it'd be a good idea to fire George Karl, but that's a pretty reasonable quote right there. Honestly, what kind of coach throws all his players under the bus and heaps blame, deserved or not? Not a good one, I'm pretty sure, although maybe Stan Van Gundy.


Of the Nuggets' eight losses at home, this was the most dreadful and distressing — and unforgivable.

Stop right there and think for a second. Eight home losses? Dude, they're 31-8 at home. Admittedly, their 15-23 away mark is absolutely nothing to get excited about, but we're talking 46-31 overall. It bears pointing out again that they'd be the fourth seed in the east. Now, I'm not saying we should radically rewrite all the playoff rules or whatever just because of a crazy freak year where as many as nine teams in the west might win 50 games, but come on. This is not even a mediocre Nuggets team we're talking about by any absolute standard. This team is only mediocre relative to the ridiculously tough conference it plays in. Let's just keep that in mind before giving them too much shit.

With time and the Nuggets' chances of winning running out, Sacramento's Mikki Moore flopped.

It was not the worst flop of the game.

Honestly, why the fuck did that need two paragraphs? That barely needs two sentences. But gets worse!

The Nuggets didn't play because of brain drain.

No show.

That's barely two ideas, let alone sentences, let alone paragraphs. I'm not even sure there's a single discernible iota of meaning to be gleaned from that. And no, providing context wouldn't make it much clearer; it would just take longer to read.

Don't blame this one on the suspension of Kenyon Martin or the officials or the moon or the Rockies' game or the NCAA Final Four.

The hackiness of that is just astounding. I'm just going to single out my favorite part, which has to be that Woody calls it "the NCAA Final Four." As though we wouldn't know which Final Four he was talking about unless he gave it the NCAA label. Which, if you're being pedantic, actually applies to both Final Fours that conceivably could refer to.

They didn't act interested. The Nuggets turned an uninspired 11-point lead in the first quarter into a five-point deficit in the second quarter.

By now, the Kings, missing a couple of kings, became fascinated, and it helped them when the Nuggets went into their "What? Me Play D" mode.

The Kings...became fascinated? Really? Did Mikki Moore put on his half-moon spectacles and, peering above his tome of astronomical data, say to Beni Udrih, "I say, old bean, do you see how those prospector-themed blaggards seem to be coming over all sluggish? Simply an astounding turn of eventualities that requires, nay demands, further inquiry." And then I imagine Beni got out his slide rule and scientifically measured just how dated Woody's Mad fucking Magazine reference was. The result? Pretty fucking dated.

The Nuggets also were busy watching the scoreboard — not for their own score, but for what was happening to North Carolina in the second game of the NCAA semifinals.

I have nothing to say other than this: I'm going to need at least a scrap of evidence to actually support that baseless allegation. Because that sounds completely ridiculous from where I'm standing. Absolutely and utterly ridiculous.

Then there's some stuff about how J.R. Smith sucks and Carmelo Anthony is awesome. But did Anthony get the ball at the end of the game? Well come on, Woody, I've set you up so obligingly...

So, does he get the ball for the tying shot? He couldn't take over at the end. Nobody gave him the ball.

Smith was busy hurling, if you get my drift.

No, Woody, I don't at all get your drift vis-a-vis Smith's "hurling." Was he...

1. Chucking the ball at the basket?
2. Playing a reasonably violent Irish sport?
3. Releasing a barrage of insults?
4. Vomiting, as described by a twelve-year-old?

I'm going to go with all except for 1. Because an unholy combination of 2-4 seems just crazy enough for Woody's mind.

If the Nuggets don't make the playoffs, this game will be why.

Hakuna blah.

Actually, that might be how a twelve-year-old describes vomiting. At least, that's how they should describe it.

I think that's as good a note to end on as any.

No comments: