Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Whoo! 100th Post! (Let's make it a disappointing one...)

Yes indeed, folks, bolstered by our proud reliance on insubstantial filler, onanistic meta-posts, and the occasional semi-coherent ramble, we have somehow reached our 100th post. I'd describe the experience as something like this:

Except, you know, thirteen more than that.

So who to skewer with the century post? Well, we've already referenced masturbation, aimless rambling, and self-absorbed meta-referencing, so who else could I choose? Gregg Easterbrook, Mr. TMQ himself, take it away...

Atlanta and Oakland flipped a coin to determine which would receive the third selection in Saturday's draft. Atlanta won, and will go third. As winners of the toss, the Falcons should have been allowed to go fourth! This year, the fourth choice in the NFL draft is worth more in practical terms than the third choice. Only in America!

I'm going to hold off on his latest crazy argument and just focus on his Don King reference at the end. Can I get a ruling on how dated that is? Ten years? Fifteen?

Recently many football pundits have begun to say that because the gentlemen chosen at the very top of the draft demand huge guaranteed payments that befoul the salary cap, teams that want to trade down from the initial picks cannot do so because few want to trade up.

I will guarantee you no football pundits use the words "gentlemen" or "befoul" in conversation. Unless of course they're saying something like, "Gentlemen, I totally befouled that bitch last night," in which case it is customary to add the "I shit you not" modifier to the end of the sentence. You know, just to keep things real.

Since Tuesday Morning Quarterback is nothing if not self-referential -- hmmm, have I said that before?

Dude, yes, of course you have. You've fucking quoted yourself. You know, because you're an ass.

let me note that seven years ago, my very first mocking of mock drafts began by demonstrating that picks at the top of the draft are actually less desirable than picks that closely follow.

OK, OK. I'll give. His arguments here are mostly economic and, although they continue to show TMQ's trademark lack of understanding of the most fundamental aspects of football, they are essentially sound. Which doesn't mean I couldn't nitpick them, it just means that any deconstruction of them would be pretty dry and techical, and this post is supposed to be a celebration! So I'm just going to skip ahead to the parts where he's random and weird, so that I can respond in my trademark random and weird style. Although, first a little TMQ at his finest:

In this regard, rumors are circulating of a proposed new trade value chart that makes the first few picks less pricey. Supposedly the new chart is being circulated by teams that hope to trade up into the first five. TMQ thinks the chart is being circulated by the Dolphins, Rams and Falcons, which hold the initial choices and want to trade down. They want to devalue their own choices so someone will make an offer for them. Only in America!

Classic TMQ right here. Let's check the list:
1. Simultaneously reference and disregard something that might actually be factual through the dismissive "rumors are circulating" and "supposedly"
2. Propose the exact opposite is true, hence implying a vast, improbable conspiracy theory to hide the truth about NFL trade value charts that only TMQ sees through
3. Move from proposing said theory to basically outright accusing the supposed teams that "want to devalue their own choices" of doing something wrong
4. Reused the same tired, cliched reference that we saw before
Man, that's fucking vintage.

In other NFL news, see below for my annual fearless projection of the draft's seventh round. But first -- everyone's got a mock draft, only Tuesday Morning Quarterback annually mocks the draft:

Here we go, weird and random. I'll be utterly shocked if he even has one clearly identifiable joke in the whole thing.

1. Miami Dolphins: Uno the beagle, winner, Westminster Dog Show. The woeful Dolphins need some lovin' -- who doesn't love a cute, cuddly beagle?

Hi-fucking-larious. Any chance we can get this guy a job writing for Jimmy Kimmel?

2. St. Louis Rams: Terrelle Pryor, quarterback, Jeannette (Pa.) High School. Unless Pryor is admitted directly to the Hall of Fame in Canton without ever actually appearing in a game.

I actually will applaud Easterbrook for resisting the clearly overwhelming urge to break into an open "our high-profile recruiting of high school players is destroying America" rant. If only all of the next few jokes could show such restraint.

3. Atlanta Falcons: Eliot Spitzer, former governor, New York. Falcons owner Arthur Blank explains: "Compared to Bobby Petrino, this guy is a class act."

Considering this is supposed to be a mock draft of, you know, players, doesn't that joke make a whole hell of a lot more sense if you're comparing Spitzer to Michael Vick?

4. Oakland Raiders: Karen Erickson, guidance counselor, Jefferson High School (Bloomington, Minn.). Barely-out-of-high-school Raiders' coach Lane Kiffin needs someone to enforce the hall-pass and snap-quiz systems he has instituted for Oakland training camp. (Jefferson was Kiffin's high school.)

The insane thing is that Karen Erickson is the actual guidance counselor at Jefferson. TMQ didn't make her up. Even by my standards of arcane research, I find that a little creepy.

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Mario Chalmers, guard, University of Kansas men's basketball. He Da Man in the Midwest! Kansas steak must make Chalmers miss the halibut he dined on growing up in Alaska. Best dinner I have ever had: Cajun-style crab-stuffed halibut at the Double Musky Inn of Girdwood, Alaska. Hey Mario: Stay in school! Stay in school!

This is the most half-assed attempt at a joke I've ever seen. Actually, maybe third-assed, considering that he's apparently trying to:
1. Mock the Midwest's legendary obsession with Mario Chalmers. Stupid Middle America!
2. Allude to his cultured (and, I have no doubt, wildly expensive) eating habits that are way more refined and interesting than yours or mine.
3. Throw in a completely tangential mini-rant about college players leaving for the NBA too early.
Easterbrook is clearly a student of the "choose three utterly unrelated things, then make no effort to weave them together into anything even slightly cohesive" school of comedy. Frankly, I'm a fan.

7. New England Patriots (from San Francisco): Michael Hayden, director, Central Intelligence Agency. A perfect fit for the Patriots' program.

This is close to a joke, but it's pretty damn hackneyed. Care to try again?

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Marc Dann, attorney general of Ohio. At this point, might as well have him on the sideline.

Credit where credit is due - that one's not completely terrible. But why are you linking to Dann's official website when you could link to Wikipedia like a real web denizen (webizen?). How else would you find out about the time he "faced criticism from the Mansfield News Journal and others for telling Warren Tribune-Chronicle reporter Steve Oravecz to perform an anatomically impossible act"? There's just no other way.

10. New Orleans Saints: Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, governor, Louisiana. New York now has a legally blind governor, California's governor is a former bodybuilder and former citizen of Austria, Alaska's governor is a woman who was the point guard for a high school state championship basketball team, and America's youngest governor is the 36-year-old Jindal, who was raised as a Hindu by Indian parents. (Jindal is a U.S. citizen who converted to Catholicism as an adult.) Much of the innovation in American politics is happening at the state level, and one reason is the governorship guild is no longer dominated by WASP males.

First of all, there is not a joke here, which might be a teensy problem considering he's billing this as mocking the draft. Still, he's totally right though; if there's one thing true about presidential politics, it's that it's totally dominated by WASP males. Yep, that's definitely true right this second and will remain true for the rest of time. Incidentally, who do you think will win in November, John Edwards or Fred Thompson? As long as it's a white guy*, I guess.

*who was born within the contiginous United State, which technically still allows me to count John McCain (born in the Canal Zone!) as a historic candidate.

11. Buffalo Bills: Peter Berg, producer, "Friday Night Lights." Berg has kept this fabulous series alive against all odds -- maybe he is the man to keep the Bills in Buffalo.

I'm just amazed by Easterbrook's blatant disregard for his premise that this is a mock draft of some sort. I mean, at this point, it seems like he's drafting potential executives and front office people or something. At least the fucking beagle was arguably an athlete. Wait, no, I'm being told you cannot, in fact, argue that. But at least there's Terrelle Pryor, right?

13. New Jersey Jets (from Carolina): Ashley Alexandra Dupre ("Kristen"), aspiring singer. She's a Jersey girl, and the Jets need to add some star power to their game-day experience. Whether true consensual prostitution should be a crime is a matter for debate. Regardless of the answer, TMQ hopes Dupre is never prosecuted. Anyone who has had sex with Spitzer has already been punished enough!

I'm sure that $80,000 he paid goes some ways to redressing the supposed punishment of sleeping with him. Also, for the record, no, true consensual prostitution should not be a crime, and in fact legalizing and mildly regulating it would probably vastly improve some troubled areas (Atlantic City, for instance). For more, please check out Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, now out on DVD. I may or may not have just made Djmmm's day.

17. Minnesota Vikings: Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God. At age 81, Benedict doesn't have much burst, but divine intervention seems the best hope for the Vikings' passing game.

Actually, this one might make sense. After all, they've already got Purple Jesus. Come to think of it, is Easterbrook making a veiled reference to blog nomenclature (blogenclature?) by adding the Pope to a team with the most religiously nicknamed running back around? Maybe. Or hell, maybe he's plagiarizing blogs by mixing the Vikings with Christian terminology!

Um...have I started a controversy yet? Because I'm really, really trying to.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jeremiah Wright, retired pastor, Trinity United Church of Christ. He can deliver just the kind of halftime tirades that Jon Gruden likes.

But does Reverend Wright love the Buccaneers as much as Coach Gruden does? (Thanks, George Stephanopoulos!)

21. Washington Redskins: Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Biden, Ron Paul, Chris Dodd, Fred Thompson. Like 20 minutes ago, these dudes were treated as incredibly important by the media. Like now, would you recognize one if he sat on your lap?

I think I'd be more concerned by the fact that any old white dude had uninvitedly decided to sit on my lap. Although, I've got to admit, if it was Romney, I might be OK with it. Sure, he might be a soulless creep, but that doesn't mean you can't get lost in his eyes. His beautiful, soulless eyes.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Jacob Beam, 18th-century Kentucky distiller who formulated the recipe for the bourbon now called Jim Beam. Steely McBeam will do endorsements for Jim Beam! (Here is the whiskey's Russian Web site.)

If that was meant to be a reference to Steely's DUI...yeah, way to completely whiff on that one, Gregg. Although points back for linking to a Russian whiskey site. You're learning, Gregg, you're learning.

25. Seattle Seahawks: Sue Payton, undersecretary, United States Air Force. She made the decision to award a multibillion-dollar aerial tanker contract to France-based Airbus rather than America's Boeing. And you know why? Airbus did a better job with its proposal! In a globalized economy, not even defense contractors can take their customers for granted. In the second round, Seahawks hope to tab Clay Bennett, owner, Seattle SuperSonics. OK, Oklahoma City is his hometown. But Bennett desperately wants his team to leave Seattle, the most beautiful city on Earth. Something does not add up here.

Dear (Gregg's decidedly Christian) lord, that's a whole heap of crazy right there. Ignoring his utterly random and totally strident rant at the start, I love that he clearly believes he is the first person to ever realize Clay Bennett might be moving the Sonics for dubious reasons. Although I must admit, no one has yet come up with anything as gleefully pointless as, "Clay Bennett must be up to something because Seattle is just too beautiful!"

31. New England Patriots. (Despite forfeiting this choice in the Spygate scandal, the Patriots select a player anyway. Bill Belichick is seen backstage at Radio City Music Hall swinging a gold watch in front of Roger Goodell while repeating, "You are getting sleepy … you are getting very sleepy … you will walk to the podium and announce a draft selection by the New England Patriots … you are getting very sleepy …")

So, um...shouldn't there be a, you know, pick here? Like some sort of player? Isn't that what you so tediously set up? Gregg? Gregg?

Well, we've lost him, but not before having plenty of fun. That's 100 folks, and here's to 10,000 more. On a logarithmic scale, we're already halfway there!

1 comment:

Djmmm said...

The Commando montage is absolutely delightful.

Let off some steam, Greggggggg.