Wednesday, April 2, 2008

[Deep Belly Laugh]

BWAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA.'s Extra Mustard page (whose purpose I can't figure out) tells funny jokes. They compiled a list of the 25 toughest athletes. My initial reaction was that it should probably place various martial artists in the top 100000 spots with a sprinkling of football linemen, rugby scrum guys, marathon runners, hockey players, and

So, the envelope please (come on Eckstein, come on Erstad)...

1 Tiger Woods
What makes him tough: Otherworldly talent, determination and focus that enables him to dominate his sport at 64 PGA wins and counting, including a recent streak of seven in a row. No one is better at sealing the deal when the heat is highest.

Seriously, what the fuck are you even talking about? I know it's a stupid "look at us!" article (they come close to saying so themselves), but still. Why even bother, at this point, continuing? You placed a golfer first. You got some 'splainin:

Defining moment: Winning by 11 strokes at Bay Hill in 2003 despite the ravages of food poisoning that made him greener than the winner's jacket at August and blowing chunks in the bushes between shots. He finished at 19 under. A mortal golfer would have been six under - as in feet.

Uh huh. So there you go. The long-sought toughness equation: Bad Shrimp+Putting=INTENSITY.

Anyway, for hysterical reference, here's #2:

2 Lance Mackey
What makes him tough: Caginess and steadfast refusal to quit in the face of throat cancer (2001), hostile terrain and 40-below temperatures. He did the impossible in sled dog racing -- win the 1,000- mile Yukon Quest and 1,100-mile Iditarod within a month - not once, but in two straight years, most recently this year on frostbitten feet that hadn't fully healed after the Quest.

Putting aside the fact that his athletic achievement amounts to depending on dogs, the man had throat cancer and then stood for days on frost-bitten feet. And placed behind "walking around and vomiting".

They at least came to their senses and included Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester. Oh, my bad. They picked Josh Beckett. Because he talks trash.

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