Today's interview requires some introduction. On May 10 at 7:00 EST, I will be co-hosting a three-hour program on my student radio station devoted to my favorite thing ever: shitty music videos from the eighties featuring football teams rapping. You want an example? You know damn well you do:
It'll stream over the Internet and I'll try to post the show afterwards, but I thought I might give you a taste by posting one of the interviews I've conducted uncut and unedited. Specifically, With Leather's Matt Ufford, alias Kissing Suzy Kolber's Captain Caveman. With Leather has accounted for at least half of the songs I'll be playing thanks to its many posts on precisely that topic, and as such Mr. Ufford has to be considered the preeminent expert in the field of shitty sports rap songs. If you've been waiting all your life for a half-hour discussion of that particular topic, you're in luck. Also, I managed to Lead him into The Big question, if you know what I mean. Wait, let me restate that: I managed to Lead him into The Big question. Am I not just deliciously subtle? Without further ado...
Play them classics!
[Note: I just realized that this whole thing is totally proof that bloggers and mainstream media types CAN in fact get along. They can even discuss issues and stuff. As long as you define "mainstream media" as "random dude at a college radio station" and "issues" as "hilarious YouTube videos." Sounds about right.]
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
You know what they say
Opinions are like assholes...Buzz Bissinger eats them everybody's got one.
As you might guess from that opener, this post is:
A. About the Costas/Leitch/Bissinger/Braylon Edwards (mostly Braylon Edwards) debacle
B. Judging by the forced gay joke, likely to play into every stereotype imaginable about bloggers
I almost feel duty-bound to write this post, as though we wouldn't be a legitimate sports blog if we didn't chime in with our two cents (I mean, we're not a legitimate sports blog anyway, but it's nice to have a dream). I've read a handful of posts on other blogs about this. Some I agreed with, others I heartily disagreed with. Some made me think, some made me laugh, some made me scratch my head. According to the formula, I think it's here where I say, "You know...just like blogs in general." But eh, that's not really my point.
I should probably stop here quickly and say, whatever else my feelings might be, I'm totally and horribly biased about all of this. On pretty much any issue, I will side with Will Leitch. I've met the guy (briefly), I've interviewed him (as you can see on the sidebar), and he once linked to a post I wrote, which remains easily the biggest (and almost only) exposure this blog has gotten. So as far as I'm concerned, Will Leitch is totally and utterly the shit. Just wanted to spell that out.
Since I'm being totally honest, I'll admit right now I haven't watched the various YouTube clips of all this. That's right folks - I am embodying the bad blogger stereotype to the motherfucking T by writing about something I haven't even bothered to research. Look, I watched all of season two of Extras over a couple days a month or so ago, so I think I've reached my "excruciating awkwardness" quota for a good long while. So, um, yeah. I have no business saying anything about anything.
BUT...and this may not be much of a but...I can't really figure out what the big deal is. I mean, sure, if you enjoy watching the video, more power to you. I'm certainly not going to make the slightest judgment for enjoying the occasional (or even not so occasional) embedded video:
And I certainly can't be accused of having good taste. More on the above video (and others like it) in an upcoming post, though.
Anyway, I appreciate that the whole brouhaha (KSK already took "hullabaloo") has made for its own brand of surreal entertainment, but what I don't get is why so many bloggers have felt the need to address the issues raised by the likes of Bissinger. There probably was a time awhile ago where it was worth actually responding to the arguments put forth by the mainstream media (and yes, occasionally they were arguments, not just random frothing), but the debate hasn't moved on one inch in the intervening time. So really, what's the point?
Because really, I'm far from convinced the MSM and the blogs are in direct competition anyway. Blogs remain fairly niche entities; even a site with robust traffic like Deadspin pales in comparison to what ESPN gets. I certainly wouldn't object if Deadspin (or if I can be openly delusional, this little blog) enjoyed the same kind of traffic ESPN gets - Mr. Leitch certainly deserves it, assuming he even would want the attendant pressure - but that isn't happening anytime soon, I don't think. Bissinger's job, whatever he might think, is safe. It isn't threatened by the likes of us, and there's no need to ambush Will Leitch in some half-baked attempt to stop the demise of old media. And honestly, I'm pretty happy with the current situation.
I suppose there could be something "elitist" about what I'm arguing - and I'm aware what I'm arguing is maybe tangential to the whole Bissinger issue, but if you've got nothing better to do (and if you're reading this blog, I suspect you don't) stay with me here - but I'm pretty sure it's not. Elitist, that is. (Sorry, got a little lost in that sentence.) And not just because I like to reserve the word "elitist" for condescending generalizations about Pennsylvanians. You know, like "Pennsylvanians start reading Buzz Bissinger columns because they're bitter and poor and assholes."
Anyway, I don't think the fact that I like blogs having a smaller audience is elitist, at least not necessarily. The cool thing is that blogs lack a built-in audience; they have to sink or swim on their own merits in a way that, say, a Gene Wojciechowski column doesn't. Because Mr. Wojciechowski's column has the ESPN brand on it, people will read it. Lots of people. Some will like it, some will hate it, and some will waste hours of their dwindling lives making fun of it (hey, that reminds me...). But the readership it gets isn't really a reflection of its own quality. It's a reflection of the ESPN brand.
And yes, this exists with blogs to a certain extent. Robert Weintraub is proof enough of that. You can argue that for lots of little blogs (like this one), the only realistic way they'll get traffic these days is to score a link from a bigger blog. But there's a reason the likes of Awful Announcing, Every Day Should Be Saturday, and Fire Joe Morgan keep getting linked and I don't, and that's because they're, well, better. I'm OK with that. I love reading a Ken Tremendous post and not even being able to work out how someone could come up with something that creative. It's written magic, I guess, and it's riveting to read. Also, it's funny and has swearing, which I'm a fucking fan of.
So I think there's a sorting mechanism, an imperfect but fairly robust meritocracy at work among the blogs. Blogs are a niche thing that appeals to a certain subset of sports fans - the adjective I think I'll choose is "irreverent", although "fucking awesome" is good too - and come in all shapes and sizes. They'll never replace the mainstream media because they're fundamentally different things. And I have to say, thank goodness on both counts. And I can't help but draw the conclusion from all that that it really doesn't matter what Rick Reilly, Bob Costas, or Buzz Bissinger think. Unless a funny post can be made of making fun of them, of course. But to treat their criticisms seriously? Eh, I'll pass.
And yet...I just did. That's some tasty hypocrisy.
As you might guess from that opener, this post is:
A. About the Costas/Leitch/Bissinger/Braylon Edwards (mostly Braylon Edwards) debacle
B. Judging by the forced gay joke, likely to play into every stereotype imaginable about bloggers
I almost feel duty-bound to write this post, as though we wouldn't be a legitimate sports blog if we didn't chime in with our two cents (I mean, we're not a legitimate sports blog anyway, but it's nice to have a dream). I've read a handful of posts on other blogs about this. Some I agreed with, others I heartily disagreed with. Some made me think, some made me laugh, some made me scratch my head. According to the formula, I think it's here where I say, "You know...just like blogs in general." But eh, that's not really my point.
I should probably stop here quickly and say, whatever else my feelings might be, I'm totally and horribly biased about all of this. On pretty much any issue, I will side with Will Leitch. I've met the guy (briefly), I've interviewed him (as you can see on the sidebar), and he once linked to a post I wrote, which remains easily the biggest (and almost only) exposure this blog has gotten. So as far as I'm concerned, Will Leitch is totally and utterly the shit. Just wanted to spell that out.
Since I'm being totally honest, I'll admit right now I haven't watched the various YouTube clips of all this. That's right folks - I am embodying the bad blogger stereotype to the motherfucking T by writing about something I haven't even bothered to research. Look, I watched all of season two of Extras over a couple days a month or so ago, so I think I've reached my "excruciating awkwardness" quota for a good long while. So, um, yeah. I have no business saying anything about anything.
BUT...and this may not be much of a but...I can't really figure out what the big deal is. I mean, sure, if you enjoy watching the video, more power to you. I'm certainly not going to make the slightest judgment for enjoying the occasional (or even not so occasional) embedded video:
And I certainly can't be accused of having good taste. More on the above video (and others like it) in an upcoming post, though.
Anyway, I appreciate that the whole brouhaha (KSK already took "hullabaloo") has made for its own brand of surreal entertainment, but what I don't get is why so many bloggers have felt the need to address the issues raised by the likes of Bissinger. There probably was a time awhile ago where it was worth actually responding to the arguments put forth by the mainstream media (and yes, occasionally they were arguments, not just random frothing), but the debate hasn't moved on one inch in the intervening time. So really, what's the point?
Because really, I'm far from convinced the MSM and the blogs are in direct competition anyway. Blogs remain fairly niche entities; even a site with robust traffic like Deadspin pales in comparison to what ESPN gets. I certainly wouldn't object if Deadspin (or if I can be openly delusional, this little blog) enjoyed the same kind of traffic ESPN gets - Mr. Leitch certainly deserves it, assuming he even would want the attendant pressure - but that isn't happening anytime soon, I don't think. Bissinger's job, whatever he might think, is safe. It isn't threatened by the likes of us, and there's no need to ambush Will Leitch in some half-baked attempt to stop the demise of old media. And honestly, I'm pretty happy with the current situation.
I suppose there could be something "elitist" about what I'm arguing - and I'm aware what I'm arguing is maybe tangential to the whole Bissinger issue, but if you've got nothing better to do (and if you're reading this blog, I suspect you don't) stay with me here - but I'm pretty sure it's not. Elitist, that is. (Sorry, got a little lost in that sentence.) And not just because I like to reserve the word "elitist" for condescending generalizations about Pennsylvanians. You know, like "Pennsylvanians start reading Buzz Bissinger columns because they're bitter and poor and assholes."
Anyway, I don't think the fact that I like blogs having a smaller audience is elitist, at least not necessarily. The cool thing is that blogs lack a built-in audience; they have to sink or swim on their own merits in a way that, say, a Gene Wojciechowski column doesn't. Because Mr. Wojciechowski's column has the ESPN brand on it, people will read it. Lots of people. Some will like it, some will hate it, and some will waste hours of their dwindling lives making fun of it (hey, that reminds me...). But the readership it gets isn't really a reflection of its own quality. It's a reflection of the ESPN brand.
And yes, this exists with blogs to a certain extent. Robert Weintraub is proof enough of that. You can argue that for lots of little blogs (like this one), the only realistic way they'll get traffic these days is to score a link from a bigger blog. But there's a reason the likes of Awful Announcing, Every Day Should Be Saturday, and Fire Joe Morgan keep getting linked and I don't, and that's because they're, well, better. I'm OK with that. I love reading a Ken Tremendous post and not even being able to work out how someone could come up with something that creative. It's written magic, I guess, and it's riveting to read. Also, it's funny and has swearing, which I'm a fucking fan of.
So I think there's a sorting mechanism, an imperfect but fairly robust meritocracy at work among the blogs. Blogs are a niche thing that appeals to a certain subset of sports fans - the adjective I think I'll choose is "irreverent", although "fucking awesome" is good too - and come in all shapes and sizes. They'll never replace the mainstream media because they're fundamentally different things. And I have to say, thank goodness on both counts. And I can't help but draw the conclusion from all that that it really doesn't matter what Rick Reilly, Bob Costas, or Buzz Bissinger think. Unless a funny post can be made of making fun of them, of course. But to treat their criticisms seriously? Eh, I'll pass.
And yet...I just did. That's some tasty hypocrisy.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Empty Journalism
SI.com currently has a 2009 NFL Mock Draft as the lead item on their website. And you know it's getting 12 Million hits, because idiots like me will read anything that says "mock draft". But good lord, I cannot think of a dumber premise (2010, 2011 etc. mock drafts notwithstanding). For fun/reference, last year's attempt:
1. D-Mac, Oakland (excellent, excellent call)
2. Jake Long, Houston (good call on the player)
3. Brohm, Vikings (swingandamiss)
4. Calais Campbell, Lions (no)
5. Sam Baker, Bucs (no)
6. Chad Henne, Dolphins (weird)
And on and on and on. Dorsey went at 14, the Saints were in the Super Bowl, one of the projections entered the supplemental draft, at least two weren't drafted at all, there was one junior that didn't come out, and in total he pegged only 12 guys correctly as first rounders (never mind position in the first round or team or selection order).
I don't even know what I'm complaining about; I think it's just the fact that they put guesswork of the most futile kind up as the first thing any visitor would see.
Edit: Also, in this year's version, he's projecting a trade. This is so meaningless I just had multiple organ failure.
Editty Edit: I guess I should explain myself. I don't mind the "watch out for these prospects" articles. I just think it's fucking ridiculous to make an article out of pinpointing their exact order and destined team.
1. D-Mac, Oakland (excellent, excellent call)
2. Jake Long, Houston (good call on the player)
3. Brohm, Vikings (swingandamiss)
4. Calais Campbell, Lions (no)
5. Sam Baker, Bucs (no)
6. Chad Henne, Dolphins (weird)
And on and on and on. Dorsey went at 14, the Saints were in the Super Bowl, one of the projections entered the supplemental draft, at least two weren't drafted at all, there was one junior that didn't come out, and in total he pegged only 12 guys correctly as first rounders (never mind position in the first round or team or selection order).
I don't even know what I'm complaining about; I think it's just the fact that they put guesswork of the most futile kind up as the first thing any visitor would see.
Edit: Also, in this year's version, he's projecting a trade. This is so meaningless I just had multiple organ failure.
Editty Edit: I guess I should explain myself. I don't mind the "watch out for these prospects" articles. I just think it's fucking ridiculous to make an article out of pinpointing their exact order and destined team.
Monday, April 28, 2008
L'Homerisme
So there's a solid article on the Canucks' website about 2006 first-round draft pick Michael Grabner. The headline on the main page is
A Career Changer for Grabner
From there we get:
Hmm. Bored in Winnipeg. Shocker.
Uh huh. Mesmerizing.
Oh. Wait. So...you mean he joined a...a gym? Like...a place to work out? Yes? And Michael Grabner is an inspirational 12-year-old boy who had his arm amputated after a lawn tractor accident? No? He's a professional goddamn athlete whose only real job is to maintain his physical fitness? That merited an article? That's the first thing visitor's to the site will see? For a team that just hired a new GM? Really?
A Career Changer for Grabner
From there we get:
Manitoba rookie forward Michael Grabner wanted a hobby in the middle of the season. Well, maybe “wanted” is over-stating it. He really needed it.
Hmm. Bored in Winnipeg. Shocker.
He had a lot of free time since Moose coach Scott Arniel was cutting into his minutes. He had to find something to stimulate some growth, since he had wasted down to 171 pounds from his normal weight of 185.
Uh huh. Mesmerizing.
This is the part of the tale where your typical hotshot prospect invests in a good video game system, or maybe buys a new car.I guess.
Grabner took a different route. He joined a gym near his Winnipeg residence. After all, what could be better after a regular practice and lifting session than doing a couple more hours of cardio and weights?
Oh. Wait. So...you mean he joined a...a gym? Like...a place to work out? Yes? And Michael Grabner is an inspirational 12-year-old boy who had his arm amputated after a lawn tractor accident? No? He's a professional goddamn athlete whose only real job is to maintain his physical fitness? That merited an article? That's the first thing visitor's to the site will see? For a team that just hired a new GM? Really?
We have all the time in the world...
So Atlanta has just stricken another blow against the tyranny of Boston sports douchiosity by evening their series with the Celtics. Sic Semper Douchianis! But that's not what this post or blog are about. This blog is about idiots like Mike Fratello.
With 4.3 seconds left, Celtics trailing by three, and the Hawks have the basketball. Neither team has any timeouts and Mike Fratello drops this nugget of wisdom on us (and I paraphrase):
Four and a half seconds remaining. Plenty of time here. No more timeouts left for either team.
...
This is why Erik Spoelstra is coaching the Miami Heat today and Mike Fratello is calling the Boston-Atlanta series on TNT. Those who can, coach. Those who can't, color commentate.
With 4.3 seconds left, Celtics trailing by three, and the Hawks have the basketball. Neither team has any timeouts and Mike Fratello drops this nugget of wisdom on us (and I paraphrase):
Four and a half seconds remaining. Plenty of time here. No more timeouts left for either team.
...
This is why Erik Spoelstra is coaching the Miami Heat today and Mike Fratello is calling the Boston-Atlanta series on TNT. Those who can, coach. Those who can't, color commentate.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
52 52 52 Week #10: Delaware
In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
I think it's fair to say that Delaware has a reputation for being a bit, you know, boring. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that reputation is pretty much completely deserved. I mean, I live pretty near the state, and damned if I could ever work out anything fun to do there. Of course, I'm not a beach person, and I guess Delaware has beaches. I guess.
Of course, there's always the chance Delaware's highpoint will redeem the boring lower elevations of the state. It's all up to you and your 448 feet, Ebright Azimuth. Hey, that sounds like a pretty interesting name, right? Kinda mystical and otherworldly, I'd say. I think we're onto something here. Let's check the fast facts:
1. It's the second lowest highpoint of any state. Huh. Second lowest isn't really that interesting, is it? Maybe if it were the lowest, but, well, it isn't. Let's try again.
2. The exact elevation is 447.35 feet. There's actually a trailer park a couple miles away that is about 450 feet, but those extra couple of feet are the result of man-made construction, so surveyors don't count them. No, that's way too pedantic to be interesting. Look, what about the thing's name? That has got to be interesting.
3. The "Ebright" is actually named after the road that the highpoint is near, which in turn is named after a local family. "Azimuth" is actually just the horizontal component of direction. Damn it, Delaware, "Azimuth" should have been a demon or some shit. Or maybe a slurred mispronunciation of my favorite science fiction author. You know what, Delaware? I'm just going to assume that is where the name came from. So you're off the hook as far as my fevered imagination goes.
This week's entry comes from The Wilmington News Journal, which is pretty much the only newspaper in Delaware that actually has a sports section. So yeah, it's got that going for it. The writer in question is one Joe Levine, who has some thoughts on the NFL Draft, which as you may or may not have heard went down this weekend. You might think Joe would be pretty pumped, considering Delaware's stud quarterback Joe Flacco got taken in the first round by a reasonably local team. Of course, if you do think that, you don't know Joe Levine. Shame on you, reader, for not knowing that. Shame on you.
That sonic boom you felt Saturday afternoon was the first round of the NFL draft flying by. In case you missed it, literally, teams in the first round this year had a mere 10 minutes, instead of the usual 15, to make their individual selections.
Ha ha! Sonic boom! That's ridiculously fast, which means Joe is mocking the NFL draft for barely improving the speed of the draft! Brilliant!
Of course, the NFL couldn't be totally sensible. The draft didn't start until 3 p.m. There is nothing more peaceful than going to sleep to the sounds of Mel Kiper Jr.
Of course, it did end by like 9:30. Unless you live in Suriname (UTC-3 peeps represent!), that really shouldn't be late enough to put you to sleep, especially when it's your, you know, job to stay awake and cover this thing. Or can we take it from this that you, Joe Levine, are hideously, hideously old? We better be able to, because that's what I'm doing.
If I was commissioner for a day -- scratch that; I need just 10 minutes --
It'd take you only ten minutes to suspend all the black players? That's pretty fast. No, wait, sorry, you're not Roger Goodell. My mistake. Carry on.
here's how I'd make the draft more fun:
Please say bikini cheerleaders, please say bikini cheerleaders, please say bikini cheerleaders...
(By the way, you're welcome. Consider that my apology for not posting lately.)
1. Two minutes per pick for every round, with three five-minute "timeouts" per team for trade talk. Simply put, if you're a general manager you have three choices -- trade your pick, fill a need or take the best talent on the board. There is no Plan D.
Look, I'm all for speeding things up a bit, I guess, but let's not trivialize this. I mean, this is the future of the franchise (and, by extension, the jobs of the people who make the draft decisions) we're talking about here. Not really sure you should be rushing things.
Yes, the draft is a pile of dominoes, but if Yahoo can figure out how to automate a fantasy baseball draft for hacks like me, you can figure what to do when the guy you wanted as your backup weakside linebacker goes to Detroit instead.
And those automated drafts pretty consistently generate shitty teams. That's especially true in the draft, where you need to draft for specific needs while not reaching too badly if there isn't a clear answer at the position you want. Also, I like how "weakside linebacker" is being used with the same old school derision for technicalities usually reserved for the likes of "VORP." You know what a weakside linebacker is? Fucking egghead!
(Good tip -- if Detroit takes him, you may have been wrong about the guy, anyway.)
That's a fucking burn right there. But at least no one can take Matt Millen's amazing rapping prowess away from him:
That's the real legacy Chris Long has inherited: the coveted title of Whitest Rapper Ever.
2. No draft signings before draft day. The suspense of the first pick is fun, but even more fun is when the team you hate has the first pick but can't sign him.
And yet...you wanted the draft to go quicker? Because theoretically you could require teams that have already signed their players to immediately announce their pick. Question of priorities, I guess. Let me see if I've got these straight:
Joe Levine's Official Draft Priorities
1. Schadenfreude
2. Keeping it short
3. Keeping it real
Not a bad board. But where oh where are the bikini cheerleaders?
3. At this point, there is no college football player at any level in any hemisphere that Kiper hasn't heard of. Let's put Kiper on the clock. From now on, he gets two months to do his scouting. We'll send him to a Caribbean island for the other 10 months, but it won't have Internet, cell phone or cable TV service. Just once, I want to hear Kiper react to a selection by saying, "I have no idea who this guy is."
At first, I thought he wanted Kiper to draft all the players for all the teams, which I'm pretty sure a quick analysis of Kiper's mock draft history would reveal to be a laughably bad idea (maybe not any more laughably bad than letting the likes of Matt Millen pick, but still). But instead he's just proposing Mel Kiper disappear for most of the year. Which is actually a kind of novel way of restating the hacky "You think they just freeze Mel Kiper until the draft?" joke that always gets, well, unfrozen right before the draft. You know, to keep it fresh.
4. Retire Chris Berman, hire a wardrobe consultant for Keyshawn Johnson and let Dick Vitale participate.
Let's diagram this plan...
1. Get rid of an incredibly insufferable idiot who kind of knows the NFL
2. Work on Keyshawn Johnson's aesthetics while ignoring the shit spewing out of his mouth
3. Hire the most incredibly insufferable idiot imaginable who barely knows anything about his chosen sport of college basketball, let alone the NFL
Strategic brilliance, yes sir. If they were doing it today, I'm guessing they'd call the Marshall Plan the Joe Levine Plan. It would involve dropping Mel Kiper over East Berlin. I would approve.
5. Require any prospective picks who are present at the draft to let TV viewers listen in on their cell phone conversations.
Don't you think the FCC has enough to worry about already? You never know when Bono might go back to the Golden Globes, after all...
6. The team with the first pick hosts the draft each year. Combined with suggestion No. 2, this is sure to produce a ton of boos, no matter whom the team picks.
I'll one-up you, Mr. Joe Levine. Let's just give all the first round picks to the New York Jets. Somehow, they will manage to screw up every single pick, and a great city will burn before the night is out. Colt Brennan with the second pick? Kevin Smith at number five? Adrian Arrington at thirteen? Don't mind if I do!
I think it's fair to say that Delaware has a reputation for being a bit, you know, boring. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that reputation is pretty much completely deserved. I mean, I live pretty near the state, and damned if I could ever work out anything fun to do there. Of course, I'm not a beach person, and I guess Delaware has beaches. I guess.
Of course, there's always the chance Delaware's highpoint will redeem the boring lower elevations of the state. It's all up to you and your 448 feet, Ebright Azimuth. Hey, that sounds like a pretty interesting name, right? Kinda mystical and otherworldly, I'd say. I think we're onto something here. Let's check the fast facts:
1. It's the second lowest highpoint of any state. Huh. Second lowest isn't really that interesting, is it? Maybe if it were the lowest, but, well, it isn't. Let's try again.
2. The exact elevation is 447.35 feet. There's actually a trailer park a couple miles away that is about 450 feet, but those extra couple of feet are the result of man-made construction, so surveyors don't count them. No, that's way too pedantic to be interesting. Look, what about the thing's name? That has got to be interesting.
3. The "Ebright" is actually named after the road that the highpoint is near, which in turn is named after a local family. "Azimuth" is actually just the horizontal component of direction. Damn it, Delaware, "Azimuth" should have been a demon or some shit. Or maybe a slurred mispronunciation of my favorite science fiction author. You know what, Delaware? I'm just going to assume that is where the name came from. So you're off the hook as far as my fevered imagination goes.
This week's entry comes from The Wilmington News Journal, which is pretty much the only newspaper in Delaware that actually has a sports section. So yeah, it's got that going for it. The writer in question is one Joe Levine, who has some thoughts on the NFL Draft, which as you may or may not have heard went down this weekend. You might think Joe would be pretty pumped, considering Delaware's stud quarterback Joe Flacco got taken in the first round by a reasonably local team. Of course, if you do think that, you don't know Joe Levine. Shame on you, reader, for not knowing that. Shame on you.
That sonic boom you felt Saturday afternoon was the first round of the NFL draft flying by. In case you missed it, literally, teams in the first round this year had a mere 10 minutes, instead of the usual 15, to make their individual selections.
Ha ha! Sonic boom! That's ridiculously fast, which means Joe is mocking the NFL draft for barely improving the speed of the draft! Brilliant!
Of course, the NFL couldn't be totally sensible. The draft didn't start until 3 p.m. There is nothing more peaceful than going to sleep to the sounds of Mel Kiper Jr.
Of course, it did end by like 9:30. Unless you live in Suriname (UTC-3 peeps represent!), that really shouldn't be late enough to put you to sleep, especially when it's your, you know, job to stay awake and cover this thing. Or can we take it from this that you, Joe Levine, are hideously, hideously old? We better be able to, because that's what I'm doing.
If I was commissioner for a day -- scratch that; I need just 10 minutes --
It'd take you only ten minutes to suspend all the black players? That's pretty fast. No, wait, sorry, you're not Roger Goodell. My mistake. Carry on.
here's how I'd make the draft more fun:
Please say bikini cheerleaders, please say bikini cheerleaders, please say bikini cheerleaders...
(By the way, you're welcome. Consider that my apology for not posting lately.)
1. Two minutes per pick for every round, with three five-minute "timeouts" per team for trade talk. Simply put, if you're a general manager you have three choices -- trade your pick, fill a need or take the best talent on the board. There is no Plan D.
Look, I'm all for speeding things up a bit, I guess, but let's not trivialize this. I mean, this is the future of the franchise (and, by extension, the jobs of the people who make the draft decisions) we're talking about here. Not really sure you should be rushing things.
Yes, the draft is a pile of dominoes, but if Yahoo can figure out how to automate a fantasy baseball draft for hacks like me, you can figure what to do when the guy you wanted as your backup weakside linebacker goes to Detroit instead.
And those automated drafts pretty consistently generate shitty teams. That's especially true in the draft, where you need to draft for specific needs while not reaching too badly if there isn't a clear answer at the position you want. Also, I like how "weakside linebacker" is being used with the same old school derision for technicalities usually reserved for the likes of "VORP." You know what a weakside linebacker is? Fucking egghead!
(Good tip -- if Detroit takes him, you may have been wrong about the guy, anyway.)
That's a fucking burn right there. But at least no one can take Matt Millen's amazing rapping prowess away from him:
That's the real legacy Chris Long has inherited: the coveted title of Whitest Rapper Ever.
2. No draft signings before draft day. The suspense of the first pick is fun, but even more fun is when the team you hate has the first pick but can't sign him.
And yet...you wanted the draft to go quicker? Because theoretically you could require teams that have already signed their players to immediately announce their pick. Question of priorities, I guess. Let me see if I've got these straight:
Joe Levine's Official Draft Priorities
1. Schadenfreude
2. Keeping it short
3. Keeping it real
Not a bad board. But where oh where are the bikini cheerleaders?
3. At this point, there is no college football player at any level in any hemisphere that Kiper hasn't heard of. Let's put Kiper on the clock. From now on, he gets two months to do his scouting. We'll send him to a Caribbean island for the other 10 months, but it won't have Internet, cell phone or cable TV service. Just once, I want to hear Kiper react to a selection by saying, "I have no idea who this guy is."
At first, I thought he wanted Kiper to draft all the players for all the teams, which I'm pretty sure a quick analysis of Kiper's mock draft history would reveal to be a laughably bad idea (maybe not any more laughably bad than letting the likes of Matt Millen pick, but still). But instead he's just proposing Mel Kiper disappear for most of the year. Which is actually a kind of novel way of restating the hacky "You think they just freeze Mel Kiper until the draft?" joke that always gets, well, unfrozen right before the draft. You know, to keep it fresh.
4. Retire Chris Berman, hire a wardrobe consultant for Keyshawn Johnson and let Dick Vitale participate.
Let's diagram this plan...
1. Get rid of an incredibly insufferable idiot who kind of knows the NFL
2. Work on Keyshawn Johnson's aesthetics while ignoring the shit spewing out of his mouth
3. Hire the most incredibly insufferable idiot imaginable who barely knows anything about his chosen sport of college basketball, let alone the NFL
Strategic brilliance, yes sir. If they were doing it today, I'm guessing they'd call the Marshall Plan the Joe Levine Plan. It would involve dropping Mel Kiper over East Berlin. I would approve.
5. Require any prospective picks who are present at the draft to let TV viewers listen in on their cell phone conversations.
Don't you think the FCC has enough to worry about already? You never know when Bono might go back to the Golden Globes, after all...
6. The team with the first pick hosts the draft each year. Combined with suggestion No. 2, this is sure to produce a ton of boos, no matter whom the team picks.
I'll one-up you, Mr. Joe Levine. Let's just give all the first round picks to the New York Jets. Somehow, they will manage to screw up every single pick, and a great city will burn before the night is out. Colt Brennan with the second pick? Kevin Smith at number five? Adrian Arrington at thirteen? Don't mind if I do!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Marty Burns oughta probably stop
The Bears filled one of their big needs already with the selection of offensive tackle Chris Williams at No. 14. It looks as if they might be able to fill another at WR with the No. 44 pick. Several receivers projected to go in the first round have slipped into the second, meaning a value pick should be available when Chicago gets to select again.
Oops again!
Update: Marty's forgiven:
With their only pick of the second round the Bears select ... Matt Forte of Tulane? First a tackle from Vanderbilt. Now a running back from Tulane. What are they trying to do, raise the team GPA?
Forte's pick has to be considered a surprise considering all the receivers on the board, as well as quarterbacks Chad Henne and Brian Brohm. Bears fans are going to have to be sold on this one. Angelo must be trying to light a fire under Cedric Benson. --Marty Burns
Seriously, I don't want to make this into my own person draft analysis, but Matt Ryan's good enough for the #3 overall pick, and Brohm and Henne have lasted into the 50s?
Hard to really rip him for it
Seeing as he mostly covers the NBA, I think, but we get this solid prediction from Marty Burns:
Oops. To be fair, he got the position right.
In other news, SI.com is claiming to have 13 writers in 10 cities. The tally:
Atlanta
Dallas
Los Angeles
New York (x4)
"Arizona" (sic, I guess--Arash Markazi never was that good at geography)
Oakland
Chicago
Tampa Bay (not a city)
and....Long Island and New Jersey. Forgetting the questionable city status of those two (SI.com: 60% of what we say are cities actually are!)...it seem a bit of a stretch to differentiate those from New York. They should have taken credit for the four different chairs the New York writers are sitting in.
Update!
They've added a guy in Kansas City, so it's 14 and 11 now. In hindsight, wouldn't it have made sense to have a guy there in the first place, what with 2 top-20 picks and all? Whatever, SI.
Anyway, how many people think the post-draft "grades" will give the Chiefs an A+++ and the Jags a B-? Oooooo, Derrick Harvey, that's a reach!
The Bears' big decision on whether to go for help on the offensive line, or at the skill positions, has been made easy. It looks as if they might have their choice of top-10 graded Branden Albert or Jeff Otah. Incredible.
Oops. To be fair, he got the position right.
In other news, SI.com is claiming to have 13 writers in 10 cities. The tally:
Atlanta
Dallas
Los Angeles
New York (x4)
"Arizona" (sic, I guess--Arash Markazi never was that good at geography)
Oakland
Chicago
Tampa Bay (not a city)
and....Long Island and New Jersey. Forgetting the questionable city status of those two (SI.com: 60% of what we say are cities actually are!)...it seem a bit of a stretch to differentiate those from New York. They should have taken credit for the four different chairs the New York writers are sitting in.
Update!
They've added a guy in Kansas City, so it's 14 and 11 now. In hindsight, wouldn't it have made sense to have a guy there in the first place, what with 2 top-20 picks and all? Whatever, SI.
Anyway, how many people think the post-draft "grades" will give the Chiefs an A+++ and the Jags a B-? Oooooo, Derrick Harvey, that's a reach!
Ah, Grand. That's the PK I know.
Or is it? I keep getting tripped up with this draft liveblog. I mean, it includes the line
...and it's Peter King talking about a white QB? Not the other way around?** ¿Que? Anyway, some of these SI.com writers are pretty good; no word yet from the Kingette, but the Giants have to pick some time.
Oop, update. From his 4:23 post, Peter has this to say:
And if that makes grammatical sense to you, you're a smarter person than I.
**Fine, he's quoting a third party...but still. Nutsonhischin, is all I'm saying.
He'll take a shot in the face and get back up.
...and it's Peter King talking about a white QB? Not the other way around?** ¿Que? Anyway, some of these SI.com writers are pretty good; no word yet from the Kingette, but the Giants have to pick some time.
Oop, update. From his 4:23 post, Peter has this to say:
It's amazing to me that the Jags saved their second-round pick in the deal, surrendering two third-round picks and a fourth- in the deal.
And if that makes grammatical sense to you, you're a smarter person than I.
**Fine, he's quoting a third party...but still. Nutsonhischin, is all I'm saying.
Holy Eff
Djmmm and I just had the same damn idea. I like where this is going.
Anyway, guess where they put Peter King for this one. No, not quite Dildo, Newfoundland. But a close second. He's in Flowery Branch, GA, because making "Peter King is gay" jokes wasn't quite easy enough for people like me. He hasn't said anything stupid yet, but I think he might have forgotten how the language works:
Whatever dude.
Anyway, guess where they put Peter King for this one. No, not quite Dildo, Newfoundland. But a close second. He's in Flowery Branch, GA, because making "Peter King is gay" jokes wasn't quite easy enough for people like me. He hasn't said anything stupid yet, but I think he might have forgotten how the language works:
There's a multiple-TV-truck draft-day buzz here 53 minutes before the draft, and thanks to heavens for sending extra second-round picks for DeAngelo Hall (34th overall) and Matt Schaub (48th) and an extra, compensator third-rounder (98th, for Patrick Kerney, who the former regime should never let leave, by the way). Four picks in the top 48, seven in the top 103. They want to come away with four starters, at least.
Quick league stuff from a cauliflower-eared phone night, and less this morning:..
Whatever dude.
NFL DRAFT LIVE BLOG!!!
I just tuned in and already we've got a couple of doozies. Kirk Herbstreit referred to Matt Ryan as having intangibles that are "off the chart." Really? We can chart intangibles now?!? Like in Excel?!?
*nerdgasm*
Okay I'm done. Diane Long, Chris's mom, was asked by Suzy Kolber what Chris inherited from his mom. In what I hope was tongue in cheek, she said something about energy and "motor." God, the draft rules.
Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and liveblog this thing, cos I mean if Bill Simmons can do this stuff, so can I. Passive Voice and Archie Micklewhite MAY be joining us, but who knows. Enjoy the draft!
2:35 PM Berman keeps telling everyone "Happy Draft!" Does he think that this is an actual holiday? Certainly feels like it to me...
*nerdgasm*
Okay I'm done. Diane Long, Chris's mom, was asked by Suzy Kolber what Chris inherited from his mom. In what I hope was tongue in cheek, she said something about energy and "motor." God, the draft rules.
Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and liveblog this thing, cos I mean if Bill Simmons can do this stuff, so can I. Passive Voice and Archie Micklewhite MAY be joining us, but who knows. Enjoy the draft!
2:35 PM Berman keeps telling everyone "Happy Draft!" Does he think that this is an actual holiday? Certainly feels like it to me...
Hmmm
I think I might liveblog a liveblog. I feel like this could be some sort of...new pathetic thing folks like me will do all the time in the future! Get on the bandwagon while there are seats left, people.
Elizabeth McGarr is thinking a Kingesque "5 things" on her way to the Giants' headquarters. Two are informative, one is not, one is this:
and one is this:
Good God. Making lame jokes that end up sounding like weird intrusions into people's personal lives, bitching about traveling, thinking about a lot of generally stupid shit that has no bearing on football...Whatever Peter King's selling, this bitch is buying wholesale.
Elizabeth McGarr is thinking a Kingesque "5 things" on her way to the Giants' headquarters. Two are informative, one is not, one is this:
3. How late did Reese stay up last night?
and one is this:
5. For people who aren't from New York, driving through -- heck, even merging into -- the Lincoln Tunnel can be a harrowing experience. If only the subway went out to the Meadowlands...
Good God. Making lame jokes that end up sounding like weird intrusions into people's personal lives, bitching about traveling, thinking about a lot of generally stupid shit that has no bearing on football...Whatever Peter King's selling, this bitch is buying wholesale.
Don Banks is Good at Math, or alternatively, NITPICK NITPICK NITPICK
Don "Donnie Brisco lulz rowlflflf hahahah good one Peter" Banks is in Crazytown (remember that band? The "butterfly" one?) USA to cover the Cowboys' draft for the si.com liveblog. He has this to say:
The Cowboys' current roster lists WRs aged 34, 33, 29, 25, 23, 23, 23, for a median of 25. Bringing in a 21ish rookie would lower that to....24.
Supposing he's just counting TO and Glenn, bringing in the rookie would lower THAT median from 33.5 all the way to 33.
Anyway, do we all know what he's talking about (average, or mean)? Yes. Is he allowed to throw around words in an incorrect manner? Probably yeah, actually. I mean, I've gotta be the only person in the world with the time on his hands to write a blog post like this. Whatever, the draft's here and I'm feeling good because someone is going to spend $10 trillion on Vernon Gholston's "potential" and that one drive Matt Ryan did at Virginia Tech.
Additional Weirdness from the liveblog:
Banks:
Not like those idiots in Vadodara, am I right? They don't know shit!
And also this:
I got to about here, and I quickly thought "Oh, Peter King" and prepared myself for the words "hole stimulation by means of a sportswriter's tongue". So imagine my surprise at seeing:
Needless to say, I was devastated. The good news is that the writer, one Dominic Bonvissuto, doesn't seem like a complete chump.
They need a running back to pair with Marion Barber, another cornerback (even if Jones gets to play this year), and a receiver who can both get open and lower the median age at a position populated by Class of 1996 draft picks Terrell Owens and Terry Glenn.
The Cowboys' current roster lists WRs aged 34, 33, 29, 25, 23, 23, 23, for a median of 25. Bringing in a 21ish rookie would lower that to....24.
Supposing he's just counting TO and Glenn, bringing in the rookie would lower THAT median from 33.5 all the way to 33.
Anyway, do we all know what he's talking about (average, or mean)? Yes. Is he allowed to throw around words in an incorrect manner? Probably yeah, actually. I mean, I've gotta be the only person in the world with the time on his hands to write a blog post like this. Whatever, the draft's here and I'm feeling good because someone is going to spend $10 trillion on Vernon Gholston's "potential" and that one drive Matt Ryan did at Virginia Tech.
Additional Weirdness from the liveblog:
Banks:
Every mock draft east of Bhopal, India seems to have the Cowboys taking Arkansas running back Felix Jones at No. 22, and then going cornerback at No. 28
Not like those idiots in Vadodara, am I right? They don't know shit!
And also this:
Draft weekend for me started about 41 hours ago when Brett Favre and Matt Hasselbeck shared their fondness for butt
I got to about here, and I quickly thought "Oh, Peter King" and prepared myself for the words "hole stimulation by means of a sportswriter's tongue". So imagine my surprise at seeing:
pads with a room full of corporate bigwigs.
Needless to say, I was devastated. The good news is that the writer, one Dominic Bonvissuto, doesn't seem like a complete chump.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Late Great Bill Walsh
Bill Walsh is still dead. Let the record show that I have thought for some time that he was the most overrated coach in the history of overrated coaches. His "innovative" West Coast offense? Yeah, the '72 Dolphins that everyone loves to hate now was running that offense under Don Shula and Howard Schnellenberger.
In any case, now that Sports Illustrated has opened its digital archive, we can go back and see exactly what was written ten years ago. Remember back when people were wondering if the Colts should take Peyton Manning or Ryan Leaf with the first overall pick in 1998? Peter King asked Bill Walsh who he would take and Bill Walsh's answer was "NEITHER!"
GENIUS BILL WALSH WOULD HAVE PICKED BRIAN GRIESE OVER PEYTON MANNING.
The point isn't just that Bill Walsh wasn't the genius that people thought he was. The point is, and this is particularly important to remember this weekend, that nobody really knows what's what until a long time after the draft is done.
In any case, now that Sports Illustrated has opened its digital archive, we can go back and see exactly what was written ten years ago. Remember back when people were wondering if the Colts should take Peyton Manning or Ryan Leaf with the first overall pick in 1998? Peter King asked Bill Walsh who he would take and Bill Walsh's answer was "NEITHER!"
"I don't see Favre or Elway," Walsh says. "I see those guys on the next level. But Manning seems to be more pro-ready than Leaf."
The oft-quirky Walsh was the only one of the six experts who said he wouldn't take Manning with the first choice. "I'd pick another top player," he says, "and then I'd take [Michigan quarterback] Brian Griese in the second round. I think he could have the tools to be special."
I hate to kick a guy when he's dead, but considering the bright ol' halo glowing around Walsh's head, I think it's always good to put these things in perspective. Hang on let me go to all caps here:GENIUS BILL WALSH WOULD HAVE PICKED BRIAN GRIESE OVER PEYTON MANNING.
The point isn't just that Bill Walsh wasn't the genius that people thought he was. The point is, and this is particularly important to remember this weekend, that nobody really knows what's what until a long time after the draft is done.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Frank Deford = Andy Rooney
I've never seen the two of them in the same room at the same time, so I'm going to go ahead and assume that they are, in fact, the same person. This piece over at SI.com seems to support this half-baked idea.
Possibly because I'm scared of technology, I'm not always pleased by what are called "advances" in our society. Sometimes I think we were better off in more innocent times -- which is, to say, back when I could understand stuff better.
This is really like shooting fish in a barrel. At least Frank's being honest.
Actually, I consider myself secular Amish.
Really? So you don't accept any government insurance, Social Security benefits, or use electricity? Oh I see what you did. You just pigeon-holed a whole culture into a tired stereotype. Man, it's a good thing for SI that William Donohue isn't Amish.
Synthetic rackets pretty much ruined the beauty of tennis. Children have no business swinging lethal aluminum baseball bats. Now there's even talk that a new bathing suit made by Speedo, in which all sorts of swimmers are setting world records, constitutes "technological doping."
I don't know enough about tennis to say whether synthetic rackets "ruined" it. And I'm not going to comment on swimming, even though, this seems kind of silly. But, if Penn & Teller ever start running out of ideas for Bullshit!, they should do a show on the "aluminum bat scare." This idea that aluminum bats are "lethal" is crap from an ass. If I was so inclined, I'd take on this story from the New York Fucking Times, but I'm not. I'll just say that it's emotionally manipulative and relies completely on anecdotal evidence in spite of the fact that there is no evidence whatsoever that aluminum bats are less safe than wood.
You know what's even worse? Technology has made it so there are so few surprises left in the world. Is that really an advance? Parents know whether their baby is a boy or girl long before it's born. You can tell who's calling you on the phone before you answer. The real joy in taking photographs was that you didn't know how they turned out 'til you got them back from the Photo Zip a few days later. Of course, some of the pictures were awful, but what's the fun of taking only safe shots instead of snap shots?
Jesus H. Christ, Frank is hearkening back to a time long gone. I am in my mid-twenties and I cannot recall a time when 1-hour photo was readily available. In any case, I'm not sure what's wrong with efficiency and better, more satisfying results. My hypothesis: Frank Deford is a Communist.
Maybe that's why sport gets more popular all the time. It's about the last thing we have that still has some suspense to it.
I don't know about that, Frank. I can think of a few pretty surprising things from the last few years that weren't necessarily very pleasant. Surprising stuff happens all the time. Surprises are neither inherently good nor bad.
And that's why I can't stand the National Football League and National Basketball Association drafts. What disappoints me so about these protracted selections is that fans don't want surprises in the draft. Really, they don't. They want to look into the camera and see the picture before it's taken.
Not sure about that. People want to know what their team is going to do with a high pick and they want to talk about it. It's a parlor game.
For weeks now, leading up to the real NFL draft this weekend, all sorts of self-appointed experts have been creating so-called mock drafts, and basically, they're all the same. Oh, some bloviator might have this linebacker going third and that one pegs him fourth, but it's pretty much the same names at the top. The fans get brainwashed, and so if their team should dare take somebody who wasn't touted by the echo chorus, they have a fit. Mock drafts become the reality that reality must accommodate itself to. It's like in school now, where children study how to take tests rather than study how to learn something.
Actually, and I'm not going to cite this, but various mock drafts this year had the Dolphins taking Matt Ryan, Jake Long, Chris Long, Glenn Dorsey, Vernon Gholston, Darren McFadden, or trading down. The whole point of mock drafts IS that it's all guess work. Nobody really knew what the Dolphins would do until they signed Jake Long yesterday, and that trickles down the draft. If Miami were to take Matt Ryan, wouldn't that make a big difference in what, say, Atlanta does at number three?
And yeah, if a team takes some wide receiver and his whole family with their first round pick instead of the best quarterback available when the team badly needs a quarterback, then their fans SHOULD be upset. Dammit.
It's also terribly ironic. Football fans always want their team to go for it on fourth down instead of punting, to take risks on the field, but when draft day comes they're all conditioned by now to be completely conservative ... lemmings.
Because watching your team go for it on fourth and short is exciting. And watching your team draft a Ryan Leaf or a Ki-Jana Carter or an Akili Smith is decidedly less fun and/or exciting.
Possibly because I'm scared of technology, I'm not always pleased by what are called "advances" in our society. Sometimes I think we were better off in more innocent times -- which is, to say, back when I could understand stuff better.
This is really like shooting fish in a barrel. At least Frank's being honest.
Actually, I consider myself secular Amish.
Really? So you don't accept any government insurance, Social Security benefits, or use electricity? Oh I see what you did. You just pigeon-holed a whole culture into a tired stereotype. Man, it's a good thing for SI that William Donohue isn't Amish.
Synthetic rackets pretty much ruined the beauty of tennis. Children have no business swinging lethal aluminum baseball bats. Now there's even talk that a new bathing suit made by Speedo, in which all sorts of swimmers are setting world records, constitutes "technological doping."
I don't know enough about tennis to say whether synthetic rackets "ruined" it. And I'm not going to comment on swimming, even though, this seems kind of silly. But, if Penn & Teller ever start running out of ideas for Bullshit!, they should do a show on the "aluminum bat scare." This idea that aluminum bats are "lethal" is crap from an ass. If I was so inclined, I'd take on this story from the New York Fucking Times, but I'm not. I'll just say that it's emotionally manipulative and relies completely on anecdotal evidence in spite of the fact that there is no evidence whatsoever that aluminum bats are less safe than wood.
You know what's even worse? Technology has made it so there are so few surprises left in the world. Is that really an advance? Parents know whether their baby is a boy or girl long before it's born. You can tell who's calling you on the phone before you answer. The real joy in taking photographs was that you didn't know how they turned out 'til you got them back from the Photo Zip a few days later. Of course, some of the pictures were awful, but what's the fun of taking only safe shots instead of snap shots?
Jesus H. Christ, Frank is hearkening back to a time long gone. I am in my mid-twenties and I cannot recall a time when 1-hour photo was readily available. In any case, I'm not sure what's wrong with efficiency and better, more satisfying results. My hypothesis: Frank Deford is a Communist.
Maybe that's why sport gets more popular all the time. It's about the last thing we have that still has some suspense to it.
I don't know about that, Frank. I can think of a few pretty surprising things from the last few years that weren't necessarily very pleasant. Surprising stuff happens all the time. Surprises are neither inherently good nor bad.
And that's why I can't stand the National Football League and National Basketball Association drafts. What disappoints me so about these protracted selections is that fans don't want surprises in the draft. Really, they don't. They want to look into the camera and see the picture before it's taken.
Not sure about that. People want to know what their team is going to do with a high pick and they want to talk about it. It's a parlor game.
For weeks now, leading up to the real NFL draft this weekend, all sorts of self-appointed experts have been creating so-called mock drafts, and basically, they're all the same. Oh, some bloviator might have this linebacker going third and that one pegs him fourth, but it's pretty much the same names at the top. The fans get brainwashed, and so if their team should dare take somebody who wasn't touted by the echo chorus, they have a fit. Mock drafts become the reality that reality must accommodate itself to. It's like in school now, where children study how to take tests rather than study how to learn something.
Actually, and I'm not going to cite this, but various mock drafts this year had the Dolphins taking Matt Ryan, Jake Long, Chris Long, Glenn Dorsey, Vernon Gholston, Darren McFadden, or trading down. The whole point of mock drafts IS that it's all guess work. Nobody really knew what the Dolphins would do until they signed Jake Long yesterday, and that trickles down the draft. If Miami were to take Matt Ryan, wouldn't that make a big difference in what, say, Atlanta does at number three?
And yeah, if a team takes some wide receiver and his whole family with their first round pick instead of the best quarterback available when the team badly needs a quarterback, then their fans SHOULD be upset. Dammit.
It's also terribly ironic. Football fans always want their team to go for it on fourth down instead of punting, to take risks on the field, but when draft day comes they're all conditioned by now to be completely conservative ... lemmings.
Because watching your team go for it on fourth and short is exciting. And watching your team draft a Ryan Leaf or a Ki-Jana Carter or an Akili Smith is decidedly less fun and/or exciting.
And, of course, draft mistakes are legion. But draft-guessing has become a cottage industry, and essentially these seers are graded on how they assess the draft, not how their top selections actually play football after they are drafted. It would be as if you judged your stock broker on how well he picked the most popular stocks, not how well he chose stocks that actually went up in value.
Frank, you pillack. Mel Kiper's job isn't to tell me who the best players are. His job is to tell me who he thinks the Ravens might take at number eight and to tell me who these guys are when they DO get drafted. We grade the coaches and general managers on how the players play. Also, you communist, stock value is related to supply and demand. Popularity is directly related to demand.
I sometimes have the feeling that the more film we have of these players, the more sophisticated technology to study them, the less we know, both about the players being chosen and the professionals who choose them. Football people have guts. I think, though, that too few of them any longer dare possess gut instinct.
That's right. We shouldn't look at film or educate ourselves about college players. Just go with your gut, football personnel people. Less is more! Up is down! Black is white! Why do I have to press the start key to shut down this computer??
Whoo! 100th Post! (Let's make it a disappointing one...)
Yes indeed, folks, bolstered by our proud reliance on insubstantial filler, onanistic meta-posts, and the occasional semi-coherent ramble, we have somehow reached our 100th post. I'd describe the experience as something like this:
Except, you know, thirteen more than that.
So who to skewer with the century post? Well, we've already referenced masturbation, aimless rambling, and self-absorbed meta-referencing, so who else could I choose? Gregg Easterbrook, Mr. TMQ himself, take it away...
Atlanta and Oakland flipped a coin to determine which would receive the third selection in Saturday's draft. Atlanta won, and will go third. As winners of the toss, the Falcons should have been allowed to go fourth! This year, the fourth choice in the NFL draft is worth more in practical terms than the third choice. Only in America!
I'm going to hold off on his latest crazy argument and just focus on his Don King reference at the end. Can I get a ruling on how dated that is? Ten years? Fifteen?
Recently many football pundits have begun to say that because the gentlemen chosen at the very top of the draft demand huge guaranteed payments that befoul the salary cap, teams that want to trade down from the initial picks cannot do so because few want to trade up.
I will guarantee you no football pundits use the words "gentlemen" or "befoul" in conversation. Unless of course they're saying something like, "Gentlemen, I totally befouled that bitch last night," in which case it is customary to add the "I shit you not" modifier to the end of the sentence. You know, just to keep things real.
Since Tuesday Morning Quarterback is nothing if not self-referential -- hmmm, have I said that before?
Dude, yes, of course you have. You've fucking quoted yourself. You know, because you're an ass.
let me note that seven years ago, my very first mocking of mock drafts began by demonstrating that picks at the top of the draft are actually less desirable than picks that closely follow.
OK, OK. I'll give. His arguments here are mostly economic and, although they continue to show TMQ's trademark lack of understanding of the most fundamental aspects of football, they are essentially sound. Which doesn't mean I couldn't nitpick them, it just means that any deconstruction of them would be pretty dry and techical, and this post is supposed to be a celebration! So I'm just going to skip ahead to the parts where he's random and weird, so that I can respond in my trademark random and weird style. Although, first a little TMQ at his finest:
In this regard, rumors are circulating of a proposed new trade value chart that makes the first few picks less pricey. Supposedly the new chart is being circulated by teams that hope to trade up into the first five. TMQ thinks the chart is being circulated by the Dolphins, Rams and Falcons, which hold the initial choices and want to trade down. They want to devalue their own choices so someone will make an offer for them. Only in America!
Classic TMQ right here. Let's check the list:
1. Simultaneously reference and disregard something that might actually be factual through the dismissive "rumors are circulating" and "supposedly"
2. Propose the exact opposite is true, hence implying a vast, improbable conspiracy theory to hide the truth about NFL trade value charts that only TMQ sees through
3. Move from proposing said theory to basically outright accusing the supposed teams that "want to devalue their own choices" of doing something wrong
4. Reused the same tired, cliched reference that we saw before
Man, that's fucking vintage.
In other NFL news, see below for my annual fearless projection of the draft's seventh round. But first -- everyone's got a mock draft, only Tuesday Morning Quarterback annually mocks the draft:
Here we go, weird and random. I'll be utterly shocked if he even has one clearly identifiable joke in the whole thing.
1. Miami Dolphins: Uno the beagle, winner, Westminster Dog Show. The woeful Dolphins need some lovin' -- who doesn't love a cute, cuddly beagle?
Hi-fucking-larious. Any chance we can get this guy a job writing for Jimmy Kimmel?
2. St. Louis Rams: Terrelle Pryor, quarterback, Jeannette (Pa.) High School. Unless Pryor is admitted directly to the Hall of Fame in Canton without ever actually appearing in a game.
I actually will applaud Easterbrook for resisting the clearly overwhelming urge to break into an open "our high-profile recruiting of high school players is destroying America" rant. If only all of the next few jokes could show such restraint.
3. Atlanta Falcons: Eliot Spitzer, former governor, New York. Falcons owner Arthur Blank explains: "Compared to Bobby Petrino, this guy is a class act."
Considering this is supposed to be a mock draft of, you know, players, doesn't that joke make a whole hell of a lot more sense if you're comparing Spitzer to Michael Vick?
4. Oakland Raiders: Karen Erickson, guidance counselor, Jefferson High School (Bloomington, Minn.). Barely-out-of-high-school Raiders' coach Lane Kiffin needs someone to enforce the hall-pass and snap-quiz systems he has instituted for Oakland training camp. (Jefferson was Kiffin's high school.)
The insane thing is that Karen Erickson is the actual guidance counselor at Jefferson. TMQ didn't make her up. Even by my standards of arcane research, I find that a little creepy.
5. Kansas City Chiefs: Mario Chalmers, guard, University of Kansas men's basketball. He Da Man in the Midwest! Kansas steak must make Chalmers miss the halibut he dined on growing up in Alaska. Best dinner I have ever had: Cajun-style crab-stuffed halibut at the Double Musky Inn of Girdwood, Alaska. Hey Mario: Stay in school! Stay in school!
This is the most half-assed attempt at a joke I've ever seen. Actually, maybe third-assed, considering that he's apparently trying to:
1. Mock the Midwest's legendary obsession with Mario Chalmers. Stupid Middle America!
2. Allude to his cultured (and, I have no doubt, wildly expensive) eating habits that are way more refined and interesting than yours or mine.
3. Throw in a completely tangential mini-rant about college players leaving for the NBA too early.
Easterbrook is clearly a student of the "choose three utterly unrelated things, then make no effort to weave them together into anything even slightly cohesive" school of comedy. Frankly, I'm a fan.
7. New England Patriots (from San Francisco): Michael Hayden, director, Central Intelligence Agency. A perfect fit for the Patriots' program.
This is close to a joke, but it's pretty damn hackneyed. Care to try again?
9. Cincinnati Bengals: Marc Dann, attorney general of Ohio. At this point, might as well have him on the sideline.
Credit where credit is due - that one's not completely terrible. But why are you linking to Dann's official website when you could link to Wikipedia like a real web denizen (webizen?). How else would you find out about the time he "faced criticism from the Mansfield News Journal and others for telling Warren Tribune-Chronicle reporter Steve Oravecz to perform an anatomically impossible act"? There's just no other way.
10. New Orleans Saints: Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, governor, Louisiana. New York now has a legally blind governor, California's governor is a former bodybuilder and former citizen of Austria, Alaska's governor is a woman who was the point guard for a high school state championship basketball team, and America's youngest governor is the 36-year-old Jindal, who was raised as a Hindu by Indian parents. (Jindal is a U.S. citizen who converted to Catholicism as an adult.) Much of the innovation in American politics is happening at the state level, and one reason is the governorship guild is no longer dominated by WASP males.
First of all, there is not a joke here, which might be a teensy problem considering he's billing this as mocking the draft. Still, he's totally right though; if there's one thing true about presidential politics, it's that it's totally dominated by WASP males. Yep, that's definitely true right this second and will remain true for the rest of time. Incidentally, who do you think will win in November, John Edwards or Fred Thompson? As long as it's a white guy*, I guess.
*who was born within the contiginous United State, which technically still allows me to count John McCain (born in the Canal Zone!) as a historic candidate.
11. Buffalo Bills: Peter Berg, producer, "Friday Night Lights." Berg has kept this fabulous series alive against all odds -- maybe he is the man to keep the Bills in Buffalo.
I'm just amazed by Easterbrook's blatant disregard for his premise that this is a mock draft of some sort. I mean, at this point, it seems like he's drafting potential executives and front office people or something. At least the fucking beagle was arguably an athlete. Wait, no, I'm being told you cannot, in fact, argue that. But at least there's Terrelle Pryor, right?
13. New Jersey Jets (from Carolina): Ashley Alexandra Dupre ("Kristen"), aspiring singer. She's a Jersey girl, and the Jets need to add some star power to their game-day experience. Whether true consensual prostitution should be a crime is a matter for debate. Regardless of the answer, TMQ hopes Dupre is never prosecuted. Anyone who has had sex with Spitzer has already been punished enough!
I'm sure that $80,000 he paid goes some ways to redressing the supposed punishment of sleeping with him. Also, for the record, no, true consensual prostitution should not be a crime, and in fact legalizing and mildly regulating it would probably vastly improve some troubled areas (Atlantic City, for instance). For more, please check out Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, now out on DVD. I may or may not have just made Djmmm's day.
17. Minnesota Vikings: Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God. At age 81, Benedict doesn't have much burst, but divine intervention seems the best hope for the Vikings' passing game.
Actually, this one might make sense. After all, they've already got Purple Jesus. Come to think of it, is Easterbrook making a veiled reference to blog nomenclature (blogenclature?) by adding the Pope to a team with the most religiously nicknamed running back around? Maybe. Or hell, maybe he's plagiarizing blogs by mixing the Vikings with Christian terminology!
Um...have I started a controversy yet? Because I'm really, really trying to.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jeremiah Wright, retired pastor, Trinity United Church of Christ. He can deliver just the kind of halftime tirades that Jon Gruden likes.
But does Reverend Wright love the Buccaneers as much as Coach Gruden does? (Thanks, George Stephanopoulos!)
21. Washington Redskins: Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Biden, Ron Paul, Chris Dodd, Fred Thompson. Like 20 minutes ago, these dudes were treated as incredibly important by the media. Like now, would you recognize one if he sat on your lap?
I think I'd be more concerned by the fact that any old white dude had uninvitedly decided to sit on my lap. Although, I've got to admit, if it was Romney, I might be OK with it. Sure, he might be a soulless creep, but that doesn't mean you can't get lost in his eyes. His beautiful, soulless eyes.
23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Jacob Beam, 18th-century Kentucky distiller who formulated the recipe for the bourbon now called Jim Beam. Steely McBeam will do endorsements for Jim Beam! (Here is the whiskey's Russian Web site.)
If that was meant to be a reference to Steely's DUI...yeah, way to completely whiff on that one, Gregg. Although points back for linking to a Russian whiskey site. You're learning, Gregg, you're learning.
25. Seattle Seahawks: Sue Payton, undersecretary, United States Air Force. She made the decision to award a multibillion-dollar aerial tanker contract to France-based Airbus rather than America's Boeing. And you know why? Airbus did a better job with its proposal! In a globalized economy, not even defense contractors can take their customers for granted. In the second round, Seahawks hope to tab Clay Bennett, owner, Seattle SuperSonics. OK, Oklahoma City is his hometown. But Bennett desperately wants his team to leave Seattle, the most beautiful city on Earth. Something does not add up here.
Dear (Gregg's decidedly Christian) lord, that's a whole heap of crazy right there. Ignoring his utterly random and totally strident rant at the start, I love that he clearly believes he is the first person to ever realize Clay Bennett might be moving the Sonics for dubious reasons. Although I must admit, no one has yet come up with anything as gleefully pointless as, "Clay Bennett must be up to something because Seattle is just too beautiful!"
31. New England Patriots. (Despite forfeiting this choice in the Spygate scandal, the Patriots select a player anyway. Bill Belichick is seen backstage at Radio City Music Hall swinging a gold watch in front of Roger Goodell while repeating, "You are getting sleepy … you are getting very sleepy … you will walk to the podium and announce a draft selection by the New England Patriots … you are getting very sleepy …")
So, um...shouldn't there be a, you know, pick here? Like some sort of player? Isn't that what you so tediously set up? Gregg? Gregg?
Well, we've lost him, but not before having plenty of fun. That's 100 folks, and here's to 10,000 more. On a logarithmic scale, we're already halfway there!
Except, you know, thirteen more than that.
So who to skewer with the century post? Well, we've already referenced masturbation, aimless rambling, and self-absorbed meta-referencing, so who else could I choose? Gregg Easterbrook, Mr. TMQ himself, take it away...
Atlanta and Oakland flipped a coin to determine which would receive the third selection in Saturday's draft. Atlanta won, and will go third. As winners of the toss, the Falcons should have been allowed to go fourth! This year, the fourth choice in the NFL draft is worth more in practical terms than the third choice. Only in America!
I'm going to hold off on his latest crazy argument and just focus on his Don King reference at the end. Can I get a ruling on how dated that is? Ten years? Fifteen?
Recently many football pundits have begun to say that because the gentlemen chosen at the very top of the draft demand huge guaranteed payments that befoul the salary cap, teams that want to trade down from the initial picks cannot do so because few want to trade up.
I will guarantee you no football pundits use the words "gentlemen" or "befoul" in conversation. Unless of course they're saying something like, "Gentlemen, I totally befouled that bitch last night," in which case it is customary to add the "I shit you not" modifier to the end of the sentence. You know, just to keep things real.
Since Tuesday Morning Quarterback is nothing if not self-referential -- hmmm, have I said that before?
Dude, yes, of course you have. You've fucking quoted yourself. You know, because you're an ass.
let me note that seven years ago, my very first mocking of mock drafts began by demonstrating that picks at the top of the draft are actually less desirable than picks that closely follow.
OK, OK. I'll give. His arguments here are mostly economic and, although they continue to show TMQ's trademark lack of understanding of the most fundamental aspects of football, they are essentially sound. Which doesn't mean I couldn't nitpick them, it just means that any deconstruction of them would be pretty dry and techical, and this post is supposed to be a celebration! So I'm just going to skip ahead to the parts where he's random and weird, so that I can respond in my trademark random and weird style. Although, first a little TMQ at his finest:
In this regard, rumors are circulating of a proposed new trade value chart that makes the first few picks less pricey. Supposedly the new chart is being circulated by teams that hope to trade up into the first five. TMQ thinks the chart is being circulated by the Dolphins, Rams and Falcons, which hold the initial choices and want to trade down. They want to devalue their own choices so someone will make an offer for them. Only in America!
Classic TMQ right here. Let's check the list:
1. Simultaneously reference and disregard something that might actually be factual through the dismissive "rumors are circulating" and "supposedly"
2. Propose the exact opposite is true, hence implying a vast, improbable conspiracy theory to hide the truth about NFL trade value charts that only TMQ sees through
3. Move from proposing said theory to basically outright accusing the supposed teams that "want to devalue their own choices" of doing something wrong
4. Reused the same tired, cliched reference that we saw before
Man, that's fucking vintage.
In other NFL news, see below for my annual fearless projection of the draft's seventh round. But first -- everyone's got a mock draft, only Tuesday Morning Quarterback annually mocks the draft:
Here we go, weird and random. I'll be utterly shocked if he even has one clearly identifiable joke in the whole thing.
1. Miami Dolphins: Uno the beagle, winner, Westminster Dog Show. The woeful Dolphins need some lovin' -- who doesn't love a cute, cuddly beagle?
Hi-fucking-larious. Any chance we can get this guy a job writing for Jimmy Kimmel?
2. St. Louis Rams: Terrelle Pryor, quarterback, Jeannette (Pa.) High School. Unless Pryor is admitted directly to the Hall of Fame in Canton without ever actually appearing in a game.
I actually will applaud Easterbrook for resisting the clearly overwhelming urge to break into an open "our high-profile recruiting of high school players is destroying America" rant. If only all of the next few jokes could show such restraint.
3. Atlanta Falcons: Eliot Spitzer, former governor, New York. Falcons owner Arthur Blank explains: "Compared to Bobby Petrino, this guy is a class act."
Considering this is supposed to be a mock draft of, you know, players, doesn't that joke make a whole hell of a lot more sense if you're comparing Spitzer to Michael Vick?
4. Oakland Raiders: Karen Erickson, guidance counselor, Jefferson High School (Bloomington, Minn.). Barely-out-of-high-school Raiders' coach Lane Kiffin needs someone to enforce the hall-pass and snap-quiz systems he has instituted for Oakland training camp. (Jefferson was Kiffin's high school.)
The insane thing is that Karen Erickson is the actual guidance counselor at Jefferson. TMQ didn't make her up. Even by my standards of arcane research, I find that a little creepy.
5. Kansas City Chiefs: Mario Chalmers, guard, University of Kansas men's basketball. He Da Man in the Midwest! Kansas steak must make Chalmers miss the halibut he dined on growing up in Alaska. Best dinner I have ever had: Cajun-style crab-stuffed halibut at the Double Musky Inn of Girdwood, Alaska. Hey Mario: Stay in school! Stay in school!
This is the most half-assed attempt at a joke I've ever seen. Actually, maybe third-assed, considering that he's apparently trying to:
1. Mock the Midwest's legendary obsession with Mario Chalmers. Stupid Middle America!
2. Allude to his cultured (and, I have no doubt, wildly expensive) eating habits that are way more refined and interesting than yours or mine.
3. Throw in a completely tangential mini-rant about college players leaving for the NBA too early.
Easterbrook is clearly a student of the "choose three utterly unrelated things, then make no effort to weave them together into anything even slightly cohesive" school of comedy. Frankly, I'm a fan.
7. New England Patriots (from San Francisco): Michael Hayden, director, Central Intelligence Agency. A perfect fit for the Patriots' program.
This is close to a joke, but it's pretty damn hackneyed. Care to try again?
9. Cincinnati Bengals: Marc Dann, attorney general of Ohio. At this point, might as well have him on the sideline.
Credit where credit is due - that one's not completely terrible. But why are you linking to Dann's official website when you could link to Wikipedia like a real web denizen (webizen?). How else would you find out about the time he "faced criticism from the Mansfield News Journal and others for telling Warren Tribune-Chronicle reporter Steve Oravecz to perform an anatomically impossible act"? There's just no other way.
10. New Orleans Saints: Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, governor, Louisiana. New York now has a legally blind governor, California's governor is a former bodybuilder and former citizen of Austria, Alaska's governor is a woman who was the point guard for a high school state championship basketball team, and America's youngest governor is the 36-year-old Jindal, who was raised as a Hindu by Indian parents. (Jindal is a U.S. citizen who converted to Catholicism as an adult.) Much of the innovation in American politics is happening at the state level, and one reason is the governorship guild is no longer dominated by WASP males.
First of all, there is not a joke here, which might be a teensy problem considering he's billing this as mocking the draft. Still, he's totally right though; if there's one thing true about presidential politics, it's that it's totally dominated by WASP males. Yep, that's definitely true right this second and will remain true for the rest of time. Incidentally, who do you think will win in November, John Edwards or Fred Thompson? As long as it's a white guy*, I guess.
*who was born within the contiginous United State, which technically still allows me to count John McCain (born in the Canal Zone!) as a historic candidate.
11. Buffalo Bills: Peter Berg, producer, "Friday Night Lights." Berg has kept this fabulous series alive against all odds -- maybe he is the man to keep the Bills in Buffalo.
I'm just amazed by Easterbrook's blatant disregard for his premise that this is a mock draft of some sort. I mean, at this point, it seems like he's drafting potential executives and front office people or something. At least the fucking beagle was arguably an athlete. Wait, no, I'm being told you cannot, in fact, argue that. But at least there's Terrelle Pryor, right?
13. New Jersey Jets (from Carolina): Ashley Alexandra Dupre ("Kristen"), aspiring singer. She's a Jersey girl, and the Jets need to add some star power to their game-day experience. Whether true consensual prostitution should be a crime is a matter for debate. Regardless of the answer, TMQ hopes Dupre is never prosecuted. Anyone who has had sex with Spitzer has already been punished enough!
I'm sure that $80,000 he paid goes some ways to redressing the supposed punishment of sleeping with him. Also, for the record, no, true consensual prostitution should not be a crime, and in fact legalizing and mildly regulating it would probably vastly improve some troubled areas (Atlantic City, for instance). For more, please check out Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, now out on DVD. I may or may not have just made Djmmm's day.
17. Minnesota Vikings: Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God. At age 81, Benedict doesn't have much burst, but divine intervention seems the best hope for the Vikings' passing game.
Actually, this one might make sense. After all, they've already got Purple Jesus. Come to think of it, is Easterbrook making a veiled reference to blog nomenclature (blogenclature?) by adding the Pope to a team with the most religiously nicknamed running back around? Maybe. Or hell, maybe he's plagiarizing blogs by mixing the Vikings with Christian terminology!
Um...have I started a controversy yet? Because I'm really, really trying to.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jeremiah Wright, retired pastor, Trinity United Church of Christ. He can deliver just the kind of halftime tirades that Jon Gruden likes.
But does Reverend Wright love the Buccaneers as much as Coach Gruden does? (Thanks, George Stephanopoulos!)
21. Washington Redskins: Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Biden, Ron Paul, Chris Dodd, Fred Thompson. Like 20 minutes ago, these dudes were treated as incredibly important by the media. Like now, would you recognize one if he sat on your lap?
I think I'd be more concerned by the fact that any old white dude had uninvitedly decided to sit on my lap. Although, I've got to admit, if it was Romney, I might be OK with it. Sure, he might be a soulless creep, but that doesn't mean you can't get lost in his eyes. His beautiful, soulless eyes.
23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Jacob Beam, 18th-century Kentucky distiller who formulated the recipe for the bourbon now called Jim Beam. Steely McBeam will do endorsements for Jim Beam! (Here is the whiskey's Russian Web site.)
If that was meant to be a reference to Steely's DUI...yeah, way to completely whiff on that one, Gregg. Although points back for linking to a Russian whiskey site. You're learning, Gregg, you're learning.
25. Seattle Seahawks: Sue Payton, undersecretary, United States Air Force. She made the decision to award a multibillion-dollar aerial tanker contract to France-based Airbus rather than America's Boeing. And you know why? Airbus did a better job with its proposal! In a globalized economy, not even defense contractors can take their customers for granted. In the second round, Seahawks hope to tab Clay Bennett, owner, Seattle SuperSonics. OK, Oklahoma City is his hometown. But Bennett desperately wants his team to leave Seattle, the most beautiful city on Earth. Something does not add up here.
Dear (Gregg's decidedly Christian) lord, that's a whole heap of crazy right there. Ignoring his utterly random and totally strident rant at the start, I love that he clearly believes he is the first person to ever realize Clay Bennett might be moving the Sonics for dubious reasons. Although I must admit, no one has yet come up with anything as gleefully pointless as, "Clay Bennett must be up to something because Seattle is just too beautiful!"
31. New England Patriots. (Despite forfeiting this choice in the Spygate scandal, the Patriots select a player anyway. Bill Belichick is seen backstage at Radio City Music Hall swinging a gold watch in front of Roger Goodell while repeating, "You are getting sleepy … you are getting very sleepy … you will walk to the podium and announce a draft selection by the New England Patriots … you are getting very sleepy …")
So, um...shouldn't there be a, you know, pick here? Like some sort of player? Isn't that what you so tediously set up? Gregg? Gregg?
Well, we've lost him, but not before having plenty of fun. That's 100 folks, and here's to 10,000 more. On a logarithmic scale, we're already halfway there!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Fuck the Heck?
It is rare to come across a statement that makes absolutely no sense, even when silly people get together to talk about grown men playing baseball. For instance, when someone says that "Frank Thomas clogs up the basepaths" it's wrong and stupid, but still sorta makes sense. That is, the reader can understand the point conveyed; Frank Thomas is a cow, so his walks are worth less than a faster player's walks (at least that's what I think is meant by this nonsense; someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).
Similarly, when someone utters a malapropism, it's usually easy to discern what is meant. Archie Bunker, for example, was hilarious because we knew what he was trying to say, but he screwed it up.
Sidenote: Notice anything KIND OF shocking in that video? Could anyone get away with that stuff now? The South Park guys don't count-- I mean with live action actors.
Anyway, the Fire Joe Morgan guys already posted this and I'm genuinely confused.
Encarnacion's homer kick-started the Reds' rally against Eric Gagne. Encarnacion is the most volatile player in the Reds' lineup - his early season defensive woes and his slump at the plate have been counter-balanced by a few clutch homers, often in the same game.
Fortunately for him, Reds manager Dusty Baker seems to be more patient with Encarnacion than previous manager Jerry Narron. "I'm happy for him because this guy bleeds internally, big-time," Baker said.
What the hell is Dusty trying to say here? That's not a rhetorical question. Please enlighten me in the comments.
Similarly, when someone utters a malapropism, it's usually easy to discern what is meant. Archie Bunker, for example, was hilarious because we knew what he was trying to say, but he screwed it up.
Sidenote: Notice anything KIND OF shocking in that video? Could anyone get away with that stuff now? The South Park guys don't count-- I mean with live action actors.
Anyway, the Fire Joe Morgan guys already posted this and I'm genuinely confused.
Encarnacion's homer kick-started the Reds' rally against Eric Gagne. Encarnacion is the most volatile player in the Reds' lineup - his early season defensive woes and his slump at the plate have been counter-balanced by a few clutch homers, often in the same game.
Fortunately for him, Reds manager Dusty Baker seems to be more patient with Encarnacion than previous manager Jerry Narron. "I'm happy for him because this guy bleeds internally, big-time," Baker said.
What the hell is Dusty trying to say here? That's not a rhetorical question. Please enlighten me in the comments.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Bill Simmons, and damned if I'm not gonna get on a soapbox.
I've had a hard time finding hate in my heart for Bill Simmons. It might be because I'm a Red Sox fan, but I've never found his shtick as vile as a lot of other people. I don't deny that he talks ad nauseam about Boston teams; it's just that that's his deal. He's not a national writer. He's a lame, local writer on a national site. You know what you're likely to get from him every week--just don't read it.
Allllllllll that said...today's column is horrible. He is openly and proudly declaring his bandwagon fan status, which I don't hate in and of itself. The bothersome part is that he tries to pass it off as a protest, and he just comes off as stupid. Here we go:
It starts with a sob story about how growing up a Brooooooooons fan was tough, what with Les Habs toying with them year-in, year-out. Then this:
Uh-huh. Also, the Bruins won 2 playoff series and 3 division titles between 1992 and this year. That didn't factor in at all? I mean, yeah, the Devils play "boring" hockey. The thing is, that's the fucking Devils. You were explaining why you got bored of the Bruins. The one valid reason he gives is that he wanted the team to be sold. My general impression is that Jeremy Jacobs is a terrible owner, and this sorta backs that up. So as a weird sort of protest against a bad owner, I guess ignoring the team miiiiiiiiiiight be valid. The thing is, the damn team hasn't been sold. It's still Jacobs running the show. The difference this year is, um, playoff success. Witness:
Uhhhhhhh-huh. Also, that was the first game of the series the Bruins won. I repeat, That didn't factor in at all?
Wait. You...you can't name 5 guys on the team, I thought. But you know their ages?
Oh I see. You're making the world's easiest comparison, made by probably 130000000 people before you, to try to reinforce the fact that "hey guys, I really did like them once, for real!" and you're trying to get in touch with the current team to not appear like an uninformed ass. But it's not working. Bill, we get it. You didn't like the team when they were bad. You like them now that they appear to be good. Leave it at that.
In conclusion...I don't really care about "bandwagon" fans. As a fairly long-time Sox fan (sorry to reference them twice) at school in Boston, I've seen a ridiculous influx of new fans, especially following last year. And, in all honesty, not a single one of their pink-hatted, Papelbon-jigging, Ellsbury-lusting appearances on the "bandwagon" has precluded me from liking a Sox win. Nor are "bandwagon" people somehow less deserving of being happy about a win (though I do think fans who deal with shitty lows probably end up happier when their team wins). They actually might be more rational than "true" fans, because they only get the ups. So no, I don't really mind that Bill Simmons is hopping back on the B's train. But:
a)He tries to come off as informed, and ends up sounding like me talking about Premiership soccer/football (this guy Ronaldo...he seems pretty good!).
b)He tries to justify his previous lack-of-caring by saying he was protesting until the team was sold...but the team wasn't sold, and yet he cares again. He's lying.
c)He seems like the type of guy who would sneer at someone for writing this same column about the Celtics or Red Sox. Admittedly, this is complete and total guessing on my part. But I don't think I'm completely being unfair.
For these reasons, the article sucks shit.
Update: In bold like it's crucial late-breaking news or something. I already put this in the comments, but whatever. Anyway, I was feeling sorta bad about point c) at the end there--what with it being all speculative and all--until Master Doubt-Queller djmmm reminded me of Simmons' "rules for being a true real born-and-bred chest-thumping sports fan" column thing. And sho'nuf:
Well, Bill, if you want to make that connection...your readership's collective asshole ain't gonna lick itself.
Ugh, one last update: Same good fan article thing, Bill says this:
So to his credit (I guess?), he'd voiced the owner-complaint thing earlier, which as I said seems sorta valid. The issue still is, though, that the team hasn't been sold; he's a "widow" only as long as the team sucks.
Anyway, this is by far enough of this business.
Allllllllll that said...today's column is horrible. He is openly and proudly declaring his bandwagon fan status, which I don't hate in and of itself. The bothersome part is that he tries to pass it off as a protest, and he just comes off as stupid. Here we go:
It starts with a sob story about how growing up a Brooooooooons fan was tough, what with Les Habs toying with them year-in, year-out. Then this:
So that's what I grew up with: The Canadiens beating the Bruins. We were the nail and they were the hammer. Nothing ever changed. When I graduated college and realized I had spent two solid decades of my life rooting for a franchise that cared about making a profit more than winning a Stanley Cup, that's the only way I was able to dump the Canadiens from my life -- by not following the sport as diligently. Once the Devils unveiled their hideous zone trap and Gary Bettman tried to turn a blue-collar sport into "NBA 2.0," it was an easy decision to cut the cord entirely. The Bruins would always be like family to me, but I wasn't interested in following them again until the team was sold. Honestly, I didn't feel like I was missing much.
Uh-huh. Also, the Bruins won 2 playoff series and 3 division titles between 1992 and this year. That didn't factor in at all? I mean, yeah, the Devils play "boring" hockey. The thing is, that's the fucking Devils. You were explaining why you got bored of the Bruins. The one valid reason he gives is that he wanted the team to be sold. My general impression is that Jeremy Jacobs is a terrible owner, and this sorta backs that up. So as a weird sort of protest against a bad owner, I guess ignoring the team miiiiiiiiiiight be valid. The thing is, the damn team hasn't been sold. It's still Jacobs running the show. The difference this year is, um, playoff success. Witness:
and even though I couldn't have named five Bruins, I found myself flicking over to Versus for Game 1 just because I enjoyed seeing the uniforms so much...But it wasn't until Game 3 that I found myself getting hooked -- not for the excitement of the games as much as the ignominy of Montreal fans infiltrating Whatever-The-Hell-The-Garden-Is-Called-Now and cheering on the visiting Habs.
Uhhhhhhh-huh. Also, that was the first game of the series the Bruins won. I repeat, That didn't factor in at all?
It was an exceptionally well-played game, and when you remember that five of the best Bruins are 22 or younger, it seemed like the team was coming together.
Wait. You...you can't name 5 guys on the team, I thought. But you know their ages?
At some point during all of this, I found myself getting attached to one of the young Bruins -- Milan Lucic, a 19-year-old winger out of the Cam Neely mold who skates around with one of those threatening, wild-eyed "You looking at me? Did you just look at me? DON'T F------ LOOK AT ME!" glares.
Oh I see. You're making the world's easiest comparison, made by probably 130000000 people before you, to try to reinforce the fact that "hey guys, I really did like them once, for real!" and you're trying to get in touch with the current team to not appear like an uninformed ass. But it's not working. Bill, we get it. You didn't like the team when they were bad. You like them now that they appear to be good. Leave it at that.
Oh. Well, at least he seems self-aware.
Quick story: Only a few months ago, an L.A. friend e-mailed a couple of us asking if we wanted to hit the Bruins-Kings game with him that night. Apparently, he had fantastic seats right on the boards. I remember e-mailing him back and joking that the seats could have been on the Bruins' bench and I wouldn't have gone. They were dead to me. They were. Flash-forward to the moment right after Game 6 ended -- I called my father and he answered the phone, "I knew it, you're back on the bandwagon!" Needless to say, he's one of the few who never really left. We babbled excitedly about the game for a few minutes, talked some hockey and hung up, just like old times.
In conclusion...I don't really care about "bandwagon" fans. As a fairly long-time Sox fan (sorry to reference them twice) at school in Boston, I've seen a ridiculous influx of new fans, especially following last year. And, in all honesty, not a single one of their pink-hatted, Papelbon-jigging, Ellsbury-lusting appearances on the "bandwagon" has precluded me from liking a Sox win. Nor are "bandwagon" people somehow less deserving of being happy about a win (though I do think fans who deal with shitty lows probably end up happier when their team wins). They actually might be more rational than "true" fans, because they only get the ups. So no, I don't really mind that Bill Simmons is hopping back on the B's train. But:
a)He tries to come off as informed, and ends up sounding like me talking about Premiership soccer/football (this guy Ronaldo...he seems pretty good!).
b)He tries to justify his previous lack-of-caring by saying he was protesting until the team was sold...but the team wasn't sold, and yet he cares again. He's lying.
c)He seems like the type of guy who would sneer at someone for writing this same column about the Celtics or Red Sox. Admittedly, this is complete and total guessing on my part. But I don't think I'm completely being unfair.
For these reasons, the article sucks shit.
Update: In bold like it's crucial late-breaking news or something. I already put this in the comments, but whatever. Anyway, I was feeling sorta bad about point c) at the end there--what with it being all speculative and all--until Master Doubt-Queller djmmm reminded me of Simmons' "rules for being a true real born-and-bred chest-thumping sports fan" column thing. And sho'nuf:
Also, you can't start rooting for a team, back off when they're in a down cycle, then renew the relationship once the team starts winning again. All those Cowboys fans who jumped off the bandwagon in the late-'80s, jumped back on during the Emmitt/Aikman Era, then jumped back off in the late-'90s ... you know who you are. You shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
(There's nothing worse than a Bandwagon Jumper. If sports were a prison and sports fans made up all the prisoners, the Bandwagon Jumpers would be like the child molesters -- everyone else would pick on them, take turns beating them up and force them to toss more salads than Emeril Lagasse.)
Well, Bill, if you want to make that connection...your readership's collective asshole ain't gonna lick itself.
Ugh, one last update: Same good fan article thing, Bill says this:
Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life ... unless one of the following conditions applies:
...
The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge. Just for the record, I reached this point with the Boston Bruins about six years ago. When it happens, you have two options: You can either renounce that team and pick someone else, or you can pretend they're dead, like you're a grieving widow. That's what I do. I'm an NHL widow. I don't even want to date another team.
So to his credit (I guess?), he'd voiced the owner-complaint thing earlier, which as I said seems sorta valid. The issue still is, though, that the team hasn't been sold; he's a "widow" only as long as the team sucks.
Anyway, this is by far enough of this business.
Peter King and his thinks
Peter's talking draft today. As I've said, I think PK is, in general, a pretty good football writer. Of course, once draft time rolls around everybody loses their shit and I don't think Peter's entirely immune from that. I'll get to that. First, an anecdote that I find impossibly believable:
First, Peter can't let go of the "Donnie Brasco" thing. Seems like once a month he slips that funny in there. More importantly, this perfectly reinforces my impression of Peter's baseball knowledge. Anyway, on to the fuhbawww:
This is my least-favourite bit of draft thinking anywhere, ever. First of all, there are 22 positions; even if you want to eliminate "doubles" (ie. two guards on the field at once) there are at least 14 unique positions. So actually, Bill Belichick has drafted corners at the exact rate one would expect. In any case, it's way more instructive to look at a team's needs and draft strengths; given the Pats need some CB help and McKelvin and Rodgers-Cromartie are expected to go somewhere around their pick, would it really be stunning?
I don't want to argue too much with all his mock picks, because I don't claim to know anything about the draft. But as Peter says himself...he's at 5 in some mock drafts, including that of ESPN's Todd McShay. Peter, is it, um, possible, that you're behind the times and that teams are legitimately warming to the guy?
And the disappointingly-level-headed thinkathinks:
Yeah...I still like last week's better. And I'd take Creed over Kevin. But at least he's not still backing Dwight.
My buddy Don "Donnie Brasco'' Banks is always telling me how gullible I am. Brasco likes baseball, and I called him a couple of years ago after seeing Juan Acevedo pitch in a spring-training game and told him, "Juan Acevedo's gonna win 15 games this year.'' He didn't come close.
First, Peter can't let go of the "Donnie Brasco" thing. Seems like once a month he slips that funny in there. More importantly, this perfectly reinforces my impression of Peter's baseball knowledge. Anyway, on to the fuhbawww:
The one thing that would stun me is a cornerback. Bill Belichick, in Cleveland and in New England, has had 14 first-round picks, and only once did he take a cornerback -- Antonio Langham, the just-OK DB from Alabama in 1994, picked way too high at No. 9 overall.
This is my least-favourite bit of draft thinking anywhere, ever. First of all, there are 22 positions; even if you want to eliminate "doubles" (ie. two guards on the field at once) there are at least 14 unique positions. So actually, Bill Belichick has drafted corners at the exact rate one would expect. In any case, it's way more instructive to look at a team's needs and draft strengths; given the Pats need some CB help and McKelvin and Rodgers-Cromartie are expected to go somewhere around their pick, would it really be stunning?
23. Pittsburgh. G/T Branden Albert, Virginia. Might have gotten overrated in the predraft media mayhem; I saw him as high as five in one mock draft. The Steelers have to draft two or three offensive lineman to address a position group that lost its best two players (Jeff Hartings, Alan Faneca) the last two offseasons and isn't as good as its reputation right now.
I don't want to argue too much with all his mock picks, because I don't claim to know anything about the draft. But as Peter says himself...he's at 5 in some mock drafts, including that of ESPN's Todd McShay. Peter, is it, um, possible, that you're behind the times and that teams are legitimately warming to the guy?
And the disappointingly-level-headed thinkathinks:
a. Thank you, writers of The Office, for regaining your sanity and your edge in a great show last week. You realize, of course, that we all want to see Jim and Pam get hitched now. If there's a better character actor on TV than Kevin (Brian Baumgartner), I don't know who he is.
Yeah...I still like last week's better. And I'd take Creed over Kevin. But at least he's not still backing Dwight.
The Draft is this weekend! Yay!
Every year around this time, someone somewhere decides that it is time to write up an article about past NFL busts. Today the spotlight turns to Charles Bricker of the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, who decided to write about quarterbacks being drafted too early.
Okay, I'm back. Here are the guys who, since the 1998 Draft have been taken as first round quarterbacks. Feel free to skip the list, as I'll summarize at the end. OR you could read the list with comments!
The point is that Charles Bricker thinks that Eli Manning is better than Donovan McNabb, Carson Palmer, and Daunte Culpepper in their respective primes. Furthmore, Charles Bricker thinks that if the Bears had managed to beat the Colts in the Super Bowl last year, Rex Grossman would be an "elite quarterback" while Peyton Manning would not. Charles Bricker is a stupid person.
LIES. Again with this crap. There are not four Joey Harringtons or Byron Leftwiches. It's more like for every Peyton, there's a Joey. As a beleaguered Dolphin fan, if you gave me a quarterback and said this guy could be Peyton Manning or Joey Harrington, with a 50% chance, I'll take that bet every time.
It has been 10 years since the San Diego Chargers made an $11 million mistake by using the No. 2 pick in the NFL Draft to select quarterback Ryan Leaf.
Eleven million dollars in signing bonus money. Plus his salary. Plus the unforgivable waste of a very high first-round selection, which so badly stalled the Chargers' progress that it would be six years before the club would have a season with more wins than losses.
Teams that are picking second overall usually really, really, really suck. That's why they're picking second overall. Even if Ryan Leaf has turned out to be a decent quarterback, it stands to reason that they might still continue to suck for six years. Furthermore, this is total cherry picking. The Chargers were so set back by the Ryan Leaf pick that in 1999, one year after making this franchise devastating pick... that they went 8-8. One of those eight losses was a 3-point loss to the Chicago Bears at home. So basically, Charlie, if the Chargers had barely beaten the Bears in that game, and had been 9-7 and in contention for a playoff spot/division crown (the Chiefs and Seahawks each won 9 games), suddenly the Ryan Leaf pick isn't so bad.
If Leaf was the only quarterback upon whom a small fortune had been squandered, San Diego's embarrassing misjudgment could be excused as an aberration.
In fact, year after year NFL clubs throw away millions, and high draft picks, in gambles on the most important position in football.
Year after year, NFL clubs throw away millions, and high draft picks, in gambles on ALL the positions in football. More on this later.
In all, 28 quarterbacks have been drafted in the first round since 1998. Four have been abject failures — David Carr (Houston, 2002), Tim Couch (Cleveland, 1999), Akili Smith (Cincinnati, 1999) and Leaf (1998).
Yeah, man, all these dudes were terrible, though Carr's offensive line was putrid and there's a legitimate argument that that ruined him. But whatever. Yeah, they all sucked donkey balls.
Another nine have been less than mediocre, though they, too, have become multimillionaires because of their teams' desperate draft choices.
Okay since Charlie doesn't say who he's talking about, I can't even guess at who he means here, though I suppose I COULD look it up. *sigh* Okay, more on THIS in a moment.
Only Eli Manning (New York Giants, 2004), Ben Roethlisberger (Pittsburgh, 2004) and Peyton Manning (Indianapolis, 1998) have reached elite status — all Super Bowl winners. Now, five days before the draft, a number of teams must ponder whether Boston College's Matt Ryan is the next first-round quarterback mistake.
Holy shit. God, I AM gonna have to look that up aren't I. Stay here, and watch this while I do my research...
Okay, I'm back. Here are the guys who, since the 1998 Draft have been taken as first round quarterbacks. Feel free to skip the list, as I'll summarize at the end. OR you could read the list with comments!
- Peyton Manning IND, 1998 (Maybe the best QB ever to play the game)
- Ryan Leaf SD, 1998 (Terrible)
- Tim Couch CLE, 1999 (Actually led the Browns to a playoff berth, but then sucked due to injury)
- Donovan McNabb PHI, 1999 (Damned good, maybe an "elite QB")
- Akili Smith CIN, 1999 (Jesus Christ, I can't believe this guy was a first round pick)
- Daunte Culpepper MIN, 1999 (How much of his success was due to Randy Moss? I dunno. But Culpepper was a legitimate MVP candidate that year that Peyton threw 49 TD passes)
- Cade McNown CHI, 1999 (Another terrible Bears QB)
- Chad Pennington NYJ, 2000 (As much as I hate the Jets as a Dolphins fan, even I have to admit Pennington hasn't been that bad. He's been injured alot, and that contributes to him maybe being a bust, but he had a pretty damn good year in 2002.)
- Michael Vick ATL, 2001 (Uhm... Vick was pretty good for a while before that whole pound puppy thing. I'd say NOT a bust.)
- David Carr HOU, 2002 (Bust)
- Joey Harrington DET, 2002 (Bust)
- Patrick Ramsey WAS, 2002 (Bust)
- Carson Palmer CIN, 2003 (I'd say Carson's been pretty damned good)
- Byron Leftwich JAX, 2003 (Mediocre? Certainly not an out and out bust. Also really was injured alot.)
- Kyle Boller BAL, 2003 (Bust)
- Sex Cannon CHI, 2003 (I'm leery of calling him a bust, even though Archie will probably want to kill me for this. But they did get to the Super Bowl with him in 2006, so by Charlie's logic, if the Bears had somehow won that ONE game, Sexy Rexy would be an elite quarterback and Peyton wouldn't be?)
- Eli Manning NYG, 2004 (Pretty good, but elite? Weren't they calling for his head in New York around midseason last year?)
- Philip Rivers SD, 2004 (Yeah, I know the Giants picked him, and the Chargers picked Eli, but I'm ignoring that. Still kind of soon to tell, but Rivers has been at least decent to pretty good, no? Certainly not a bust.)
- Ben Roethlisberger PIT, 2004 (Very good)
- JP Losman BUF, 2004 (Maybe a bust)
- Alex Smith SF, 2005 (Still too soon to tell)
- Aaron Rodgers GB, 2005 (Still too soon to tell)
- Jason Campbell WAS, 2005 (Still too soon to tell. I'm copying and pasting at this point.)
- Vince Young TEN, 2006 (Pretty damned good so far...)
- Jay Cutler DEN, 2006 (Still too soon to tell)
- Matt Leinart ARI, 2006 (Still too soon to tell)
- JaMarcus Russell OAK, 2007 (Still too soon to tell)
- Brady Quinn CLE, 2007 (Still too soon to tell)
The point is that Charles Bricker thinks that Eli Manning is better than Donovan McNabb, Carson Palmer, and Daunte Culpepper in their respective primes. Furthmore, Charles Bricker thinks that if the Bears had managed to beat the Colts in the Super Bowl last year, Rex Grossman would be an "elite quarterback" while Peyton Manning would not. Charles Bricker is a stupid person.
By all estimates, he'll be taken among the top 10 players. Kansas City at No. 5 must upgrade at quarterback. Baltimore at No. 8, which in 2003 wasted a first-rounder on Kyle Boller, is in position to blow off another top pick. Carolina, at No. 13, might strike a deal with New England for the No. 7 spot.
Ryan, 6-foot-5 and 224 pounds, is sturdy enough to endure a few hits in the pocket, but an impressive scramble against Virginia Tech notwithstanding, he's no runner and, while he threw 56 touchdown passes, he also threw 37 interceptions.
Okay so he might be good or he might suck.
Scouts have praised his poise and leadership, but there's nothing unusual about those qualities in leading college quarterbacks, and none of that has much meaning when the QB is facing an NFL pass rush. The Dolphins' John Beck is a good example of a "poised" collegian who looked panicked in his rookie NFL season.
Jesus, dude. John Beck played in a grand total of five games, starting four of those, on maybe the worst team in NFL history. You really want to use "'poised'" in "sarcastic" quotation "marks" like that based on five "games"?
That said, there is a lot to recommend Ryan. Downfield passing isn't his forte, which is essentially an arm strength issue, but neither was it Joe Montana's stock in trade. Ryan was a successful quarterback on a team that didn't have a strong running game or great receivers.
More to the point, however, in a year that is not rich with quarterback prospects, Ryan is the best of the bunch.
And next year is probably going to be even worse. Seriously, who's good that's going to be draft eligible next year? You really think Tim Tebow is going to be a great NFL quarterback? Point is if you need a quarterback, Matt Ryan might not be a bad way to go. I mean there are few great throwers and the position is pretty important.
Why do teams over-draft quarterbacks? Because there are few great throwers and because the position is so important. For many clubs, that justifies the expense, even knowing that far more first-rounders fail than achieve.
Plagiarist. Anyway, this isn't even true. It's about even money.
Of course first-round quarterbacks succeed. There were six first-rounders running the 12 playoff offenses last season and one of them, Eli Manning, won the Super Bowl. But the runner-up, Tom Brady, was a sixth-round pick and two other playoff quarterbacks, Tony Romo of Dallas and Jeff Garcia of Tampa Bay, were undrafted.
AHEM. The New York Giants won the Super Bowl. Eli Manning didn't complete that pass to Eli Manning. Eli Manning didn't sack Tom Brady. Isn't using Super Bowl wins as the standard for an "elite" quarterback even dumber than using wins to measure pitchers?
Romo is now earning the sort of money given first-round quarterbacks. But there is a difference. He's a proven commodity. If sanity prevails this year, Ryan might be the only first-round quarterback this year, though how many desperate clubs will leap at Joe Flacco of Delaware or Chad Henne of Michigan?
Another thing: Why do people like to point out all the late round picks like Brady or guys like Romo who didn't get drafted at all without pointing out the vast number of guys drafted late or not at all that don't do a thing in the NFL? I'd say that first round pick quarterbacks pan out at a greater rate than late round picks. In fact, I've already shown this to be true. Anyone want to bet their life that quarterbacks drafted later than the third round pan out at a better rate than 50%? Didn't think so.
Two quarterbacks were taken in 2007's first round, though it's too early to judge if they've been a waste of cash and picks.
Most (only?) reasonable thing said so far.
JaMarcus Russell, the No. 1 pick, signed a six-year deal with Oakland, though he's already missed the first year because he signed so late he missed training camp, was handed only one start, threw 66 passes, pitched four interceptions and fumbled four times.
No one is complaining too hard … yet. Without a training camp, he wasn't ready to play, even for a bad team. He'll have his camp this year and the Raiders will soon know whether he's worth the $37.5 million in guaranteed money he's being paid.
The only time an NFL player will have guaranteed leverage over a team is when he's drafted in the first round. Why are we faulting guys for getting theirs when the team can cut the guy on virtually a moment's notice? Did anyone expect Russell to come in, holdout or not, and light it up this year? Why does this post have so many rhetorical questions?
Furthermore, the Raiders also took Robert Gallery with a first rounder a few years back. Teams take terrible players with first round picks all the time. Not just quarterbacks. But that's for another post. Brady Quinn, the No. 22 pick by Cleveland, missed 11 days of training camp before signing a five-year deal that paid him a $7.75 million signing bonus.
He threw three passes and spent his rookie year watching Derek Anderson rejuvenate the Browns and give rise to predictions that Cleveland could be back in the playoffs for the first time in six years.
Who is Derek Anderson? He was draft guru Mel Kiper's 14th-best quarterback in 2005, right after the eminently forgettable No. 13 Gino Guidugli.
Baltimore drafted Anderson in the sixth round and paid him a pittance, by NFL standards, before waiving him Sept. 20. He was claimed by Cleveland, where he was 10-5 as a starter last season.
Yeah some of those guys will turn out to not suck.
Unless he has a startling reversal of form, he could be more than just an alternate to the Pro Bowl this season.
Please. There have been tons of guys who've had one or two great years and then flamed out quickly. It happens in sports (not just football) all the time. It would not be "startling" for Anderson to return to his previous suckitude.
And Quinn? Carrying a clipboard and collecting his prodigious salary? The Browns will want to see if Anderson can continue with his elevated play before deciding to deal Quinn for a draft pick or proven player.
It's arguable that Quinn isn't ready to play yet anyway. How many quarterbacks have been good as rookies or second year players? I can just think of two or three-- Dan Marino, Big Ben, and maybe Peyton Manning, the latter of whom benefited from playing with Marshall Faulk and then Edgerrin James in his backfield.
In either case, they're stuck for his signing bonus, like so many other teams who have drafted a first-round QB, and, even if they dump him, they're also responsible for his salary cap figure.
Again, dude. Still too soon to tell. Brady Quinn could turn out to be really damned good. And then I'll point and laugh at you. Again.
There are Peyton Mannings out there. And Roethlisbergers.
But every one of them there are four Joey Harringtons or Byron Leftwiches. And the wasted dollars keep piling up — a mountain of money mocking most of the teams that can't resist drafting a quarterback in the first round.
LIES. Again with this crap. There are not four Joey Harringtons or Byron Leftwiches. It's more like for every Peyton, there's a Joey. As a beleaguered Dolphin fan, if you gave me a quarterback and said this guy could be Peyton Manning or Joey Harrington, with a 50% chance, I'll take that bet every time.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
52 52 52 Week #9: Maine
In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
We've been experimenting a little bit this week, and I'm thinking this is only the beginning. Djmmm talked about expanding our horizons, and I've got to say, I'm a fan. So yeah, as soon as I have a single creative idea, I'll strike out in bold new directions. Until then? Let's keep doing that weekly series that you know and/or love. 52 52 52 it is!
Maine's Mount Katahdin is next on the docket at a stately 5,267 feet. Here's what you need to know:
1. The Abenaki believed that the mountain was the home of Pamola, a storm god who, according to Wikipedia had "the head of a moose, the body of a man and the wings and feet of an eagle." Why the hell aren't the forces of cryptozoology converging on Mount Katahdin? We've got a Pamola to catch!
2. Also according to Wikipedia, "In the 1840s Henry David Thoreau climbed Katahdin and his ascent is recorded in a well known chapter of The Maine Woods." This is another example of Wikipedia being inaccurate, as it implies there is such a thing as a well-known chapter of The Maine Woods.
3. Katahdin means "Great Mountain" in the Penobscot langauge, which means the official name is Mount Great Mountain, which is sort of, you know, really dumb. Of course, it's got nothing on Britain's Torpenhow Hill, which due to the various local languages literally translates to "Hill Hill Hill Hill." Considering I called my series 52 52 52, I guess mindless repetition is really something I should get behind.
This week's entry comes from The Bangor Daily News, whose website won the New England Newspaper Association's coveted "New England's best newspaper Web Site 2007" [sic] award, which is one of the few legitimate New England newspaper website awards left out there, so that's cool. Our chosen writer is Larry Mahoney, who has some thoughts on a whole bunch of crazy stuff.
Hey, is that sunshine and spring-like temperatures we’re experiencing? Or did I fall asleep listening to the Doors’ "Riders on the Storm?"
Wait, what? How do those equate, exactly? Let's take a look at a random verse from "Riders on the Storm":
There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin' like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet family will die
Killer on the road, yeah
Uh...yeah. I can totally see how that equates to nice weather. That's not fucking crazy at all.
Let’s touch base on a variety of topics, shall we.
Oh god yes.
Owning an auto racetrack is a difficult challenge, especially nowadays with the skyrocketing fuel costs. No matter what you do, there will always be a handful of people who will make your life miserable.
Isn't that just sort of always true? I mean, aren't there always assholes in pretty much all walks of life who will make things unnecessarily tough? Oh, I'm sorry Larry, you've got more?
They will cry "favoritism" if you penalize their favorite driver (usually a family member or close personal friend) for taking out another driver or driving recklessly.
Yes, those drunken screams of "FAVORITISM!!!" will echo from the stands. That's totally what they'll be yelling. Also, what kind of business are you operating when most of the audience is composed of the driver's family and friends? Seems like that model might need a little work.
Race fans are passionate about their sport and it doesn’t take much to set them off.
We're dancing into Mike Seate territory here, aren't we? Awesome.
Most racetrack owners have family members working at the track and the only thing worse than getting an earful from an irate fan is having a family member absorb an earful.
Is this even going anywhere? What's your point here?
I have a lot of respect for track owners.
This is basically Larry Mahoney's riff on "Leave race track owners alone!", isn't it? Because dude, that meme was played out ages ago. At least a month or so ago.
Yes, it is a business and they have to make money or the business won’t survive.
I dunno, I imagine they could use their family as effective slave labor. That would keep operating costs down.
But they are also supplying their respective communities with a valuable source of reasonably-priced family entertainment.
These are all individual paragraphs, by the way. That bears pointing out. The other thing is that if I ever escape my subterranean cavern and discover the fabled other gender (they're called wimin, right?) and start a family, you can bet I'd never take my children to a race track. After all, you've got angry fans yelling horrific curses like, "Favoritism!" when their racer doesn't do well. That could really scar a kid.
And they have to funnel some of the profits back into the facility to improve it or create better racing conditions.
Right, like earplugs for their family members. You know, so they don't have to listen to the losing driver's family members complaining. It's the circle of symbiosis or some shit.
The advice I would give track owners is to make sure you have a reliable staff that enforces the rules consistently without a hint of favoritism and have the rules on paper. And be good to them.
Little known fact: this was also the advice Larry Mahoney's ancestor, FitzMorris Mahoney, gave James Madison when he convened the Constitutional Convention back in 1787. The "And be good to them" guideline really came in handy when Alexander Hamilton proposed his controversial "Let's kill the poor!" proposal. Say what you will about Hamilton, but the man did understand his laissez-faire economics.
I might also recommend that you appoint a group of well-respected drivers and you meet with them on a monthly basis to discuss track operations and possible improvements.
I'm sorry, does Larry Mahoney believe he's been asked by a consortium of race track owners to write a report on improving owner-driver relations? Because I'm having trouble imagining in what other context this could even possibly be interesting.
Last, but not least, develop a thick skin.
I think Larry Mahoney may have just solved all race track owner problems for all time. You just saw some history get fucking made.
Just for fun, Larry totally shifts gear from bizarre race track philosophy to inane baseball advice. Let's see some highlights...
Jon Lester is an enigma.
Is it that difficult to throw strikes?
Really, Larry? You're going to question the difficulty of playing major league baseball? Really? That's the way you're going to phrase that one? I mean...really?
Because, I mean, yeah, it is that difficult to throw strikes. A tiny micro-percentage of the population is actually able to do it at that sort of level. It's phenomenally difficult by any sane standard. I mean, I know what he means, but still, there have to be about a hundred better ways to phrase that sentiment.
The problem with a pitcher who is wild is you can’t really banish him to the bullpen because the last thing you need is someone coming out of the pen who can’t throw strikes.
Someone has clearly never heard of Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn. I'm just saying is all. (And yes, I'm aware his control and resultant effectiveness improved dramatically after getting glasses, so don't bother pointing that out).
Baseball/softball openers are about to begin in the state so let’s pass along a few tips to high school coaches.
Larry Mahoney apparently fancies himself an advice god to the people of Maine. I'm not going to correct him if you're not.
First of all, insist that your everyday players throw overhand not three-quarter arm or sidearm.
Advice to Bangor Daily News editors: insist your writers learn how to punctuate, not just how to string random thoughts together.
I would also recommend it for pitchers, especially youngsters, but I’ve always felt pitchers who occasionally alter their arm angle (i.e. Bronson Arroyo) can freeze a hitter by dropping down (three-quarter arm).
Well, if you've always felt it, it must be true. I mean, who's going to argue with the pitching brilliance that is Bronson Arroyo? Or his musical acumen, for that matter:
Hitters, by relaxing your hands and lining up the top knuckles near your fingernails (it will feel awkward at first), you can generate more bat speed enabling you to catch up with that live fastball.
Wait, I thought these tips were for high school coaches? Larry Mahoney clearly doesn't think about the advice he gives...he just feels who in this universe needs his guidance and provides. It's sort of a Zen thing, in the sense that Larry Mahoney has no idea how it works.
And if you are facing a pitcher with a live fastball, stand as far back in the batter’s box so you can to get an extra split-second to hit it.
What's funny, of course, is that I'm pretty sure this is exactly what Joe Morgan assumes Moneyball is like.
We've been experimenting a little bit this week, and I'm thinking this is only the beginning. Djmmm talked about expanding our horizons, and I've got to say, I'm a fan. So yeah, as soon as I have a single creative idea, I'll strike out in bold new directions. Until then? Let's keep doing that weekly series that you know and/or love. 52 52 52 it is!
Maine's Mount Katahdin is next on the docket at a stately 5,267 feet. Here's what you need to know:
1. The Abenaki believed that the mountain was the home of Pamola, a storm god who, according to Wikipedia had "the head of a moose, the body of a man and the wings and feet of an eagle." Why the hell aren't the forces of cryptozoology converging on Mount Katahdin? We've got a Pamola to catch!
2. Also according to Wikipedia, "In the 1840s Henry David Thoreau climbed Katahdin and his ascent is recorded in a well known chapter of The Maine Woods." This is another example of Wikipedia being inaccurate, as it implies there is such a thing as a well-known chapter of The Maine Woods.
3. Katahdin means "Great Mountain" in the Penobscot langauge, which means the official name is Mount Great Mountain, which is sort of, you know, really dumb. Of course, it's got nothing on Britain's Torpenhow Hill, which due to the various local languages literally translates to "Hill Hill Hill Hill." Considering I called my series 52 52 52, I guess mindless repetition is really something I should get behind.
This week's entry comes from The Bangor Daily News, whose website won the New England Newspaper Association's coveted "New England's best newspaper Web Site 2007" [sic] award, which is one of the few legitimate New England newspaper website awards left out there, so that's cool. Our chosen writer is Larry Mahoney, who has some thoughts on a whole bunch of crazy stuff.
Hey, is that sunshine and spring-like temperatures we’re experiencing? Or did I fall asleep listening to the Doors’ "Riders on the Storm?"
Wait, what? How do those equate, exactly? Let's take a look at a random verse from "Riders on the Storm":
There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin' like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet family will die
Killer on the road, yeah
Uh...yeah. I can totally see how that equates to nice weather. That's not fucking crazy at all.
Let’s touch base on a variety of topics, shall we.
Oh god yes.
Owning an auto racetrack is a difficult challenge, especially nowadays with the skyrocketing fuel costs. No matter what you do, there will always be a handful of people who will make your life miserable.
Isn't that just sort of always true? I mean, aren't there always assholes in pretty much all walks of life who will make things unnecessarily tough? Oh, I'm sorry Larry, you've got more?
They will cry "favoritism" if you penalize their favorite driver (usually a family member or close personal friend) for taking out another driver or driving recklessly.
Yes, those drunken screams of "FAVORITISM!!!" will echo from the stands. That's totally what they'll be yelling. Also, what kind of business are you operating when most of the audience is composed of the driver's family and friends? Seems like that model might need a little work.
Race fans are passionate about their sport and it doesn’t take much to set them off.
We're dancing into Mike Seate territory here, aren't we? Awesome.
Most racetrack owners have family members working at the track and the only thing worse than getting an earful from an irate fan is having a family member absorb an earful.
Is this even going anywhere? What's your point here?
I have a lot of respect for track owners.
This is basically Larry Mahoney's riff on "Leave race track owners alone!", isn't it? Because dude, that meme was played out ages ago. At least a month or so ago.
Yes, it is a business and they have to make money or the business won’t survive.
I dunno, I imagine they could use their family as effective slave labor. That would keep operating costs down.
But they are also supplying their respective communities with a valuable source of reasonably-priced family entertainment.
These are all individual paragraphs, by the way. That bears pointing out. The other thing is that if I ever escape my subterranean cavern and discover the fabled other gender (they're called wimin, right?) and start a family, you can bet I'd never take my children to a race track. After all, you've got angry fans yelling horrific curses like, "Favoritism!" when their racer doesn't do well. That could really scar a kid.
And they have to funnel some of the profits back into the facility to improve it or create better racing conditions.
Right, like earplugs for their family members. You know, so they don't have to listen to the losing driver's family members complaining. It's the circle of symbiosis or some shit.
The advice I would give track owners is to make sure you have a reliable staff that enforces the rules consistently without a hint of favoritism and have the rules on paper. And be good to them.
Little known fact: this was also the advice Larry Mahoney's ancestor, FitzMorris Mahoney, gave James Madison when he convened the Constitutional Convention back in 1787. The "And be good to them" guideline really came in handy when Alexander Hamilton proposed his controversial "Let's kill the poor!" proposal. Say what you will about Hamilton, but the man did understand his laissez-faire economics.
I might also recommend that you appoint a group of well-respected drivers and you meet with them on a monthly basis to discuss track operations and possible improvements.
I'm sorry, does Larry Mahoney believe he's been asked by a consortium of race track owners to write a report on improving owner-driver relations? Because I'm having trouble imagining in what other context this could even possibly be interesting.
Last, but not least, develop a thick skin.
I think Larry Mahoney may have just solved all race track owner problems for all time. You just saw some history get fucking made.
Just for fun, Larry totally shifts gear from bizarre race track philosophy to inane baseball advice. Let's see some highlights...
Jon Lester is an enigma.
Is it that difficult to throw strikes?
Really, Larry? You're going to question the difficulty of playing major league baseball? Really? That's the way you're going to phrase that one? I mean...really?
Because, I mean, yeah, it is that difficult to throw strikes. A tiny micro-percentage of the population is actually able to do it at that sort of level. It's phenomenally difficult by any sane standard. I mean, I know what he means, but still, there have to be about a hundred better ways to phrase that sentiment.
The problem with a pitcher who is wild is you can’t really banish him to the bullpen because the last thing you need is someone coming out of the pen who can’t throw strikes.
Someone has clearly never heard of Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn. I'm just saying is all. (And yes, I'm aware his control and resultant effectiveness improved dramatically after getting glasses, so don't bother pointing that out).
Baseball/softball openers are about to begin in the state so let’s pass along a few tips to high school coaches.
Larry Mahoney apparently fancies himself an advice god to the people of Maine. I'm not going to correct him if you're not.
First of all, insist that your everyday players throw overhand not three-quarter arm or sidearm.
Advice to Bangor Daily News editors: insist your writers learn how to punctuate, not just how to string random thoughts together.
I would also recommend it for pitchers, especially youngsters, but I’ve always felt pitchers who occasionally alter their arm angle (i.e. Bronson Arroyo) can freeze a hitter by dropping down (three-quarter arm).
Well, if you've always felt it, it must be true. I mean, who's going to argue with the pitching brilliance that is Bronson Arroyo? Or his musical acumen, for that matter:
Hitters, by relaxing your hands and lining up the top knuckles near your fingernails (it will feel awkward at first), you can generate more bat speed enabling you to catch up with that live fastball.
Wait, I thought these tips were for high school coaches? Larry Mahoney clearly doesn't think about the advice he gives...he just feels who in this universe needs his guidance and provides. It's sort of a Zen thing, in the sense that Larry Mahoney has no idea how it works.
And if you are facing a pitcher with a live fastball, stand as far back in the batter’s box so you can to get an extra split-second to hit it.
What's funny, of course, is that I'm pretty sure this is exactly what Joe Morgan assumes Moneyball is like.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Expanding our horizons...
I don't really live in my mother's basement. Actually, I live in South Florida where the water table is so high that NOBODY has basements, so I guess I'm an exception to the rule. Anyway, as some of you may be aware, South Beach is a hot spot for random celebrity sightings. So even when they have nothing to do with sports, I'll periodically post some celebrity sighting, especially if they are sufficiently random and humorous.
Today, I saw Kenan Thompson, currently of SNL, formerly of All That and Kenan and Kel. This would be pretty random in and of itself, except for what he was wearing. He was walking around in a Fat Albert shirt. As in a t-shirt with a bunch of stenciled pictures of Fat Albert's ... um.... fat head all over it. If you're still not laughing yet, I'd just like to point out Mr. Thompson's biggest feature film role to date (aside from Snakes on a Plane, I mean):
Is this even more meta than Archie Micklewhite's masturbatory posts?
Today, I saw Kenan Thompson, currently of SNL, formerly of All That and Kenan and Kel. This would be pretty random in and of itself, except for what he was wearing. He was walking around in a Fat Albert shirt. As in a t-shirt with a bunch of stenciled pictures of Fat Albert's ... um.... fat head all over it. If you're still not laughing yet, I'd just like to point out Mr. Thompson's biggest feature film role to date (aside from Snakes on a Plane, I mean):
Is this even more meta than Archie Micklewhite's masturbatory posts?
Friday, April 18, 2008
Fire Jon Heyman's Scout
Because he sucks:
Notice that J-Hey has dropped the "in-depth" part. This of course gives the scout much more leeway to meander about and tell us nothing. My attempt to translate:
"He's good at everything, including the 2 things he's most commonly relied upon to do, plus everything. He can do everything. He's not insanely fast, and he's not a meaningless term. But he's good at everything. He doesn't do a meaningless thing. He's good at part of his job, and he's good at a more general part of his job. I think he's good. He's good at everything."
The only useful thing we really learn is that he's disciplined at the plate and maybe, if we're being generous, that he's not very fast. "Makes good contact" is meaningless (Frequent contact? Hits it hard when he does?) and the rest is just various restatements of "all-around good".
Seriously, I hate this guy.
Scout's Take On...
Yunel Escobar, Atlanta Braves: "He's solid in all phases of the game - hitting, fielding, everything. He can do everything. He doesn't have the blazing speed like Jose Reyes. He's not flashy. But he can do everything well. He doesn't try to do too much. He makes good contact, and he shows a lot of discipline at the plate. He's impressed me. He's a good all-around player.''
Notice that J-Hey has dropped the "in-depth" part. This of course gives the scout much more leeway to meander about and tell us nothing. My attempt to translate:
"He's good at everything, including the 2 things he's most commonly relied upon to do, plus everything. He can do everything. He's not insanely fast, and he's not a meaningless term. But he's good at everything. He doesn't do a meaningless thing. He's good at part of his job, and he's good at a more general part of his job. I think he's good. He's good at everything."
The only useful thing we really learn is that he's disciplined at the plate and maybe, if we're being generous, that he's not very fast. "Makes good contact" is meaningless (Frequent contact? Hits it hard when he does?) and the rest is just various restatements of "all-around good".
Seriously, I hate this guy.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Why Is It
That Bill Simmons takes buckets and buckets of shit for writing predominantly about Boston teams, but SI.com's Arash Markazi gets a pass for writing nearly exclusively about goings-on in LA (or if he's feeling adventurous and there's a huge game, Arizona)? A list of his recent stories:
-Kobe
-Westlake Village High School Baseball
-Wrestling in Orlando
-Wrestling in Orlando
-UCLA basketball
-UCLA basketball
-Arizona State basketball
-UCLA basketball
-UCLA football
-60-year-old college tennis player in Arizona
-Shaq, Suns and how it relates to the Lakers
-Delonte West helping th poor in New Orleans
-Will Ferrel (USC grad)
-USC football recruit
-Super Bowl parties
-Super Bowl activities
-Houston Texans Super Bowl ad
-Sundance film festival (¿¿¿¿¿)
-Actress enjoying Giants' success
-Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush
-Lakers
-UNC basketball recruit (from California)
-Wazzu basketball
-BCS debate including USC, Georgia and LSU
-Fiesta Bowl
-Rose Bowl
-Rose Bowl
-Texas football (following win in San Diego-based Holiday Bowl)
Anyway, that's about back to New Year's. I dunno. Am I being picky? Maybe I'm still flabbergasted that he wrote a "rating the Super Bowl parties" column. I'll leave it to the philosophers.
-Kobe
-Westlake Village High School Baseball
-Wrestling in Orlando
-Wrestling in Orlando
-UCLA basketball
-UCLA basketball
-Arizona State basketball
-UCLA basketball
-UCLA football
-60-year-old college tennis player in Arizona
-Shaq, Suns and how it relates to the Lakers
-Delonte West helping th poor in New Orleans
-Will Ferrel (USC grad)
-USC football recruit
-Super Bowl parties
-Super Bowl activities
-Houston Texans Super Bowl ad
-Sundance film festival (¿¿¿¿¿)
-Actress enjoying Giants' success
-Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush
-Lakers
-UNC basketball recruit (from California)
-Wazzu basketball
-BCS debate including USC, Georgia and LSU
-Fiesta Bowl
-Rose Bowl
-Rose Bowl
-Texas football (following win in San Diego-based Holiday Bowl)
Anyway, that's about back to New Year's. I dunno. Am I being picky? Maybe I'm still flabbergasted that he wrote a "rating the Super Bowl parties" column. I'll leave it to the philosophers.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The Most Known Unknown Interview Series: Junior
For some reason, Fire Everbody has become the happening place for bloggers to get interviewed. (My theory is that's it's because we ask them.)
The person on the other end of the line today is Junior from Fire Joe Morgan. You know, that site we totally didn't rip off when we named this site. Nope, not at all.
Some highlights:
1. References to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle AND Henry V!
2. Someone finally connects the dots between the FJM guys unmasking and the writer's strike!
3. Fresh insight into the hotly debated identity of Chester Jesterton!
4. Junior raises the concept of "blogger living in his mother's basement" to its Platonic motherhumping ideal!
5. Oh, and baseball gets mentioned!
It's a bit of a weird scheduling quirk that we've had two interviews go up nearly simultaneously, and as much as I'd love to promise a daily blogger interview, that sadly just isn't going to happen. Still, we do have one more ace up our sleeve for about a month from now. But in the meantime...
Play them classics!
The person on the other end of the line today is Junior from Fire Joe Morgan. You know, that site we totally didn't rip off when we named this site. Nope, not at all.
Some highlights:
1. References to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle AND Henry V!
2. Someone finally connects the dots between the FJM guys unmasking and the writer's strike!
3. Fresh insight into the hotly debated identity of Chester Jesterton!
4. Junior raises the concept of "blogger living in his mother's basement" to its Platonic motherhumping ideal!
5. Oh, and baseball gets mentioned!
It's a bit of a weird scheduling quirk that we've had two interviews go up nearly simultaneously, and as much as I'd love to promise a daily blogger interview, that sadly just isn't going to happen. Still, we do have one more ace up our sleeve for about a month from now. But in the meantime...
Play them classics!
The Most Known Unknown Interview Series: Big Daddy Drew
As I'm sure you all know, Djmmm, Passive Voice, and I see ourselves as nothing short of superheroes, righting wrongs and fighting the forces of international bad sports journalism. You may have seen the artist's conception that ESPN recently put out:
I won't say who's who, but, uh...sorry, Passive.
But in my civilian life, I actually dally with the ultimate evil itself: sports radio. (Admittedly, we're talking student radio here, but it's still the same medium that spawned the Schrutebag, which is just something I'm going to have to live with.) Hell, our biggest traffic day ever came out of an interview I did with Will Leitch, which I do sorta mention all the fucking time. What can I say? It was our one big flirtation with non-obscurity.
Anyway, since our big broadcast season has finally ended, I've been using the last few weeks as an excuse to interview some of my favorite bloggers. I thought I'd share them (as well as some previous interviews) with you all in what I'm dubbing The Most Known Unknown Interview Series.
In this edition, we've got Big Daddy Drew on the other end of the phone. You will:
1. Get the exclusive scoop on the mildly interesting changes over at Kissing Suzy Kolber!
2. Learn just who that Sage Rosenfels dude is!
3. Hear Drew say the word "Douche"!
4. Revel as Drew hates on a certain Ivy League institution!
5. Discover the shocking secret about Drew and Natalie Portman! (Warning: You must be 18!)
6. Be shocked at my stunning failure to be a hard-hitting journalist!
All that and more is yours for the listening in the Most Known Unknown Interview Series. You can find them all in the sidebar.
By the way, I know that a lot of people question the title, they want to know what it means. The Most Known Unknown Interview Series means that Fire Everybody is known, but at the same time we're unknown, you know what I'm saying? We've got a lot to do with what's going on in sports blogging today, you know what I'm saying? But bloggers don't realize it, bloggers in the basements realize, but the stat counters and link dumpers don't realize it, but it's all good, it is what it is, I ain't gonna talk your head off, I'm going to drop these hits on you...
Play them classics!
I won't say who's who, but, uh...sorry, Passive.
But in my civilian life, I actually dally with the ultimate evil itself: sports radio. (Admittedly, we're talking student radio here, but it's still the same medium that spawned the Schrutebag, which is just something I'm going to have to live with.) Hell, our biggest traffic day ever came out of an interview I did with Will Leitch, which I do sorta mention all the fucking time. What can I say? It was our one big flirtation with non-obscurity.
Anyway, since our big broadcast season has finally ended, I've been using the last few weeks as an excuse to interview some of my favorite bloggers. I thought I'd share them (as well as some previous interviews) with you all in what I'm dubbing The Most Known Unknown Interview Series.
In this edition, we've got Big Daddy Drew on the other end of the phone. You will:
1. Get the exclusive scoop on the mildly interesting changes over at Kissing Suzy Kolber!
2. Learn just who that Sage Rosenfels dude is!
3. Hear Drew say the word "Douche"!
4. Revel as Drew hates on a certain Ivy League institution!
5. Discover the shocking secret about Drew and Natalie Portman! (Warning: You must be 18!)
6. Be shocked at my stunning failure to be a hard-hitting journalist!
All that and more is yours for the listening in the Most Known Unknown Interview Series. You can find them all in the sidebar.
By the way, I know that a lot of people question the title, they want to know what it means. The Most Known Unknown Interview Series means that Fire Everybody is known, but at the same time we're unknown, you know what I'm saying? We've got a lot to do with what's going on in sports blogging today, you know what I'm saying? But bloggers don't realize it, bloggers in the basements realize, but the stat counters and link dumpers don't realize it, but it's all good, it is what it is, I ain't gonna talk your head off, I'm going to drop these hits on you...
Play them classics!
Monday, April 14, 2008
How cute...
By now I imagine most of you have seen this story, where the Yankees went out of their way to unearth a David Ortiz jersey that was planted last summer in some cement at the New Yankee Stadium construction site. Everyone seems to be taking the story as "Oh how cute! It's those Red Sox and Yankee fans going at it again!"
Maybe I'm just the bitterest and angriest blogger on the series o' tubes, but it seems to me that when a construction project is being subsidized by taxpayers to the tune of FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING MILLION MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS time, man hours, and money should not be wasted on digging up a silly ass shirt that's been there for over a year. Does anybody give a shit about any of this stuff anymore?
Maybe I'm just the bitterest and angriest blogger on the series o' tubes, but it seems to me that when a construction project is being subsidized by taxpayers to the tune of FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING MILLION MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS time, man hours, and money should not be wasted on digging up a silly ass shirt that's been there for over a year. Does anybody give a shit about any of this stuff anymore?
Blast!
Djmmm46 already got to PK this morning. I knew I should have stayed up all night and done it at 4 am. I'd like to offer an alternative view of the exact same passage:
Emphasis mine. I like going on the premise that Peter King is openly advocating either a huge fan eradication effort or, at the very least, a program to put these people in a zoo like they so richly deserve.
Anyway, for the rest of the crazy:
Counterpoint: It was fucking awesome. And way to write creatively with "over the line" twice.
I'm going to pull a Peter King and repeat myself: way to write creatively with "___ job" twice.
I know nothing about fantasy baseball, but this seems stupid. Moving on.
Why? He came in second. NEXT!
I just...vomited. All over everything. If you're counting (you're not), that's an impressive 6 sentences with a total of 13 words. The whole "Conversing. Thinking." thing actually makes me embarrassed for him. God, I just read it again. I can't think of anything else to say. I'm mortified.
c. All you idiots at Fenway who booed David Ortiz (it was scattered, certainly nothing near a majority) the other night should have your human-being licenses revoked. Ortiz is 3-for-43 in one-fourteenth of the season. For everything he's done the past four years, he's a guy you shouldn't boo, even if he finishes the year 3-for-543.
Emphasis mine. I like going on the premise that Peter King is openly advocating either a huge fan eradication effort or, at the very least, a program to put these people in a zoo like they so richly deserve.
Anyway, for the rest of the crazy:
a. Was it just me, or was that first post-strike episode of The Office a creep show? Hard to explain, but the Jan and Michael stuff at home was over-the-line weird to me. Maybe I just expected too much from the return of this great show. But that one went too far over the bizarre line.
Counterpoint: It was fucking awesome. And way to write creatively with "over the line" twice.
d. Riotous job done by Joba Chamberlain introducing the Yankees' starting lineup on Fox Saturday baseball. Quippy job. When he came to the eighth spot in the order and catcher Jose Molina, he said, "Batting eighth, of the 27 Molinas in baseball, name that Molina, ours is Jose.''
I'm going to pull a Peter King and repeat myself: way to write creatively with "___ job" twice.
g. Sure hope D-Backs third baseman Mark Reynolds is the genuine item, seeing that I just traded a third of my rotisserie team for him. What say you, Will Carroll?
I know nothing about fantasy baseball, but this seems stupid. Moving on.
j. Tiger Woods had a bit of an Ortiz-ish weekend, from the glimpses I saw.
Why? He came in second. NEXT!
o. Every community in America should have a coffee shop like The Barge in Hamilton. People drinking great coffee. Conversing. Thinking. Reading. Lots of people reading. No TVs. I'm serious: It's almost worth the trip even if you have no intention of doing anything else in central New York.
I just...vomited. All over everything. If you're counting (you're not), that's an impressive 6 sentences with a total of 13 words. The whole "Conversing. Thinking." thing actually makes me embarrassed for him. God, I just read it again. I can't think of anything else to say. I'm mortified.
No! Don't Boo El Papi Grande!
I know Peter King is usually Passive Voice's beat, but I felt the need to comment on this:
c. All you idiots at Fenway who booed David Ortiz (it was scattered, certainly nothing near a majority) the other night should have your human-being licenses revoked. Ortiz is 3-for-43 in one-fourteenth of the season. For everything he's done the past four years, he's a guy you shouldn't boo, even if he finishes the year 3-for-543. [Emphasis added]
I agree that a 3 for 43 slump after one week of season is to be expected. But does Peter really think Red Sox fans shouldn't boo Ortiz if he went 3 for 543? I am not a Red Sox fan, (and thank God I'm not) but if I were and David Ortiz, whose only job is to hit, went 3-for-543, not only would I regularly boo him, but I'd boo Terry Francona, Theo Epstein, and the Red Sox ownership group for giving Ortiz the chance to make 540 outs.
This dumbass comment is reminiscent of what Stu Scott said about booing ballplayers and represents in a microcosm all that is wrong with sports journalism. These guys get close to jocks, mythologize them, and become totally biased. Favre, Ortiz, and Jeter can do no wrong and when they suck donkey balls, we the fans should not boo them.
I say fuck you, Peter King.
Most of us don't get into ballgames for free and even fewer of us become friendly with these guys. They're human beings, yes, but they're professionals who get paid millions of dollars to play a kid's game really, really, really well. They get paid those millions because we pay our hard earned dollars to watch them do their jobs really, really, really well. If they suck, and I feel like I'm not getting my entertainment value, then you're damned right I'm going to boo him.
c. All you idiots at Fenway who booed David Ortiz (it was scattered, certainly nothing near a majority) the other night should have your human-being licenses revoked. Ortiz is 3-for-43 in one-fourteenth of the season. For everything he's done the past four years, he's a guy you shouldn't boo, even if he finishes the year 3-for-543. [Emphasis added]
I agree that a 3 for 43 slump after one week of season is to be expected. But does Peter really think Red Sox fans shouldn't boo Ortiz if he went 3 for 543? I am not a Red Sox fan, (and thank God I'm not) but if I were and David Ortiz, whose only job is to hit, went 3-for-543, not only would I regularly boo him, but I'd boo Terry Francona, Theo Epstein, and the Red Sox ownership group for giving Ortiz the chance to make 540 outs.
This dumbass comment is reminiscent of what Stu Scott said about booing ballplayers and represents in a microcosm all that is wrong with sports journalism. These guys get close to jocks, mythologize them, and become totally biased. Favre, Ortiz, and Jeter can do no wrong and when they suck donkey balls, we the fans should not boo them.
I say fuck you, Peter King.
Most of us don't get into ballgames for free and even fewer of us become friendly with these guys. They're human beings, yes, but they're professionals who get paid millions of dollars to play a kid's game really, really, really well. They get paid those millions because we pay our hard earned dollars to watch them do their jobs really, really, really well. If they suck, and I feel like I'm not getting my entertainment value, then you're damned right I'm going to boo him.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
52 52 52 Week #8: New York
In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
It's been a busy week here at Fire Everybody!, so let's keep the flow (and/or hustle) going for just a little bit longer and talk about everyone's favorite 5,344 foot tall highpoint, New York's Mount Marcy:
1. The mountain is named after William L. Marcy. You may remember him from such movies as Broogie Niglts, Lappy, Trexas, Glosts orf Mississippi, and other complicated, incredibly forced "puns" on William H. Macy movies where I substitute "l" for "h" and add a random "r".
2. Another name for the mountain is Tahawus, a Native American word meaning "cloud splitter." Well, it could have been the Native American word, but it was actually invented by white people to describe the thing because the local tribes didn't have a name for it. I'm pretty sure that's what passed for cultural sensitivity in those days.
3. Teddy Roosevelt was climbing Mount Marcy when he received word that William McKinley had been shot. He immediately killed a bear out of grief, built a thirty-foot funeral pyre using only dried leaves and moss, and then set off for his legendary presidency, which was of course most famous for that time he defeated Mothra. Gotta love TR.
With all that fun out of the way, the question now becomes which New York paper to talk about. Unfortunately, most of the available papers are either from New York City, which means they can't really be considered, well, "local", or they are so tiny that I'd have to make fun of a high school lacrosse recap. Which I'm OK with, but I'm not sure you'd find it the most scintillating thing ever. Well, I guess that would depend on your level of perversion and/or how many pictures I posted. Still...
Let's take a look at The Democrat and Chronicle, the number one newspaper in the greater Rochester area. Not much to say about it, really, although I imagine its prominent featuring of the word "Democrat" has already earned it Djmmm's scorn. I was willing to give it a pass, but this NBA column by Bob Matthews totally does the sportswriting equivalent of raising taxes and smoking weed and supporting the French and whatever else the fevered conservative nightmare of liberalism is supposed to be about. Mr. Matthews?
As a long-time NBA fan and observer, I can't recall a season with four Most Valuable Player candidates so equally worthy.
Here's how I rank the four superstars in order of preference. I couldn't object with anyone who ranked them 1-2-3-4 in any other order:
Very true about the tight MVP race, and your magnanimity and pragmatism regarding the order will not be forgotten. Let's see who your #1 is...
1. Kobe Bryant (Los Angeles Lakers).
Good choice. I think I'd go with Chris Paul myself, but let's hear your reasoning.
He could be the all-time best NBA player never to be selected league MVP. I don't know if it is fair to give him extra consideration for his career body of work, but it can't hurt him.
You don't know? Dude, of course it isn't fair to do that. If it was all down to career achievement, I'm pretty sure Michael Jordan would have had to win the damn thing when he was with the Wizards just because of everything that came before. Which would make winning the MVP award roughly equivalent to getting a roster spot with the Birmingham Barons.
I mean, I wish I could punch up the criteria for the MVP that explicitly states it's a single-season award, but it looks like that's supposed to be self-evident. This does not bode well.
He won't win a third straight NBA scoring title this season because the Lakers were a much better team this season and he gladly deferred to teammates in the scoring column.
So Kobe Bryant is the most valuable because Andrew Bynum improved dramatically, Mitch Kupchak traded for Pau Gasol, and the rest of the team got better? That's kinda the logic here. Obviously, decreased scoring doesn't necessarily mean diminished value, but it seems a bit wonky to argue he was the most valuable by arguing he had a great supporting cast.
I feel like this argument could use some form of, I dunno, numerical objectivity or something. If only there were some sort of numbers that were calculated in some way to analyze a player's contribution to a team beyond mere scoring average. But I suppose such statistics must remain just a pipe dream. Wait, did I say statistics? Huh...don't know where I came up with that word. Hmm...STA-TIS-TICS. Nope, doesn't ring a bell.
He's still the man who takes all the big shots for the Lakers and there aren't many better defenders in the NBA when he needs to be.
He's the best defender...when he has to be. That's...that's a terrible argument. I mean, there are tons of great arguments as to why Kobe is the best, and Bob Matthews has pretty much completely whiffed on all of them.
2. Chris Paul (New Orleans Hornets).
Here's my guy. So, Bob, why is he number 2?
The "knock" on Paul as an MVP candidate is that he's only a third-year pro and has to "pay his dues." That's a lame excuse to vote for someone else.
Yeah, if only there weren't lame assholes writing this sort of shit about Kobe:
I don't know if it is fair to give him extra consideration for his career body of work, but it can't hurt him.
I'm with you, Bob - fuck those guys.
3. LeBron James (Cleveland Cavaliers). Among the four MVP candidates, his team is the only one that won't have a significantly better record than last season. But it isn't his fault.
I'd actually argue that it is his fault, in the sense that it was pretty much completely LeBron's fault that they went 50-32 and made it to the NBA Finals. Can't really call that anyone else's fault.
I guess you could argue, at least based on their reduced record and the emergence of the Celtics, that they've taken a slight step backward from last year, but honestly, not every team can have a forty-game upswing. That'd make them 90 and -8, for one thing, which I'm having trouble even conceptualizing. Though I suspect that may be Bill Simmons's prediction for the 2008-09 Celtics.
4. Kevin Garnett (Boston Celtics). He could be the "thinking man's" MVP.
Why? Because you have to think about it to rationalize it against the work of the others? Because that's not really what the term means.
His stats aren't nearly as impressive as he posted with the Minnesota Timberwolves, but that's because he sacrificed his scoring average to keep fellow stars Paul Pierce and Ray Allen happy.
Crazy guess: Kevin Garnett was also among those happy that Kevin Garnett didn't have to score as much.
His only MVP negatives are being teammates with two other superstars and having won MVP honors in the 2003-04 season. Unlike Bryant, he's not in the running for a lifetime achievement MVP award.
Can we give Bob Matthews an Academy Award vote? Because he's got this "give an award supposedly based on yearly achievement for dubious, career-based reasons" thing motherfucking down. Scorsese would never have had to wait as long as he did if men like Bob had been voting on Gangs of New York. Although the fact that Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar before Marty did is kind of the most awesomely cruel thing ever.
You know what? There's more to this article, but I think I'd rather just turn the rest of the post over to the boys from the most known unknown group in hip-hop today (oh, and I've really got to assume the language is NSFW):
Is that skyline Miami? Because if so I'm assuming that video is an accurate dramatization of Djmmm's life. [Editor's note: Yes. Slightly embellished, but more or less accurate.]
It's been a busy week here at Fire Everybody!, so let's keep the flow (and/or hustle) going for just a little bit longer and talk about everyone's favorite 5,344 foot tall highpoint, New York's Mount Marcy:
1. The mountain is named after William L. Marcy. You may remember him from such movies as Broogie Niglts, Lappy, Trexas, Glosts orf Mississippi, and other complicated, incredibly forced "puns" on William H. Macy movies where I substitute "l" for "h" and add a random "r".
2. Another name for the mountain is Tahawus, a Native American word meaning "cloud splitter." Well, it could have been the Native American word, but it was actually invented by white people to describe the thing because the local tribes didn't have a name for it. I'm pretty sure that's what passed for cultural sensitivity in those days.
3. Teddy Roosevelt was climbing Mount Marcy when he received word that William McKinley had been shot. He immediately killed a bear out of grief, built a thirty-foot funeral pyre using only dried leaves and moss, and then set off for his legendary presidency, which was of course most famous for that time he defeated Mothra. Gotta love TR.
With all that fun out of the way, the question now becomes which New York paper to talk about. Unfortunately, most of the available papers are either from New York City, which means they can't really be considered, well, "local", or they are so tiny that I'd have to make fun of a high school lacrosse recap. Which I'm OK with, but I'm not sure you'd find it the most scintillating thing ever. Well, I guess that would depend on your level of perversion and/or how many pictures I posted. Still...
Let's take a look at The Democrat and Chronicle, the number one newspaper in the greater Rochester area. Not much to say about it, really, although I imagine its prominent featuring of the word "Democrat" has already earned it Djmmm's scorn. I was willing to give it a pass, but this NBA column by Bob Matthews totally does the sportswriting equivalent of raising taxes and smoking weed and supporting the French and whatever else the fevered conservative nightmare of liberalism is supposed to be about. Mr. Matthews?
As a long-time NBA fan and observer, I can't recall a season with four Most Valuable Player candidates so equally worthy.
Here's how I rank the four superstars in order of preference. I couldn't object with anyone who ranked them 1-2-3-4 in any other order:
Very true about the tight MVP race, and your magnanimity and pragmatism regarding the order will not be forgotten. Let's see who your #1 is...
1. Kobe Bryant (Los Angeles Lakers).
Good choice. I think I'd go with Chris Paul myself, but let's hear your reasoning.
He could be the all-time best NBA player never to be selected league MVP. I don't know if it is fair to give him extra consideration for his career body of work, but it can't hurt him.
You don't know? Dude, of course it isn't fair to do that. If it was all down to career achievement, I'm pretty sure Michael Jordan would have had to win the damn thing when he was with the Wizards just because of everything that came before. Which would make winning the MVP award roughly equivalent to getting a roster spot with the Birmingham Barons.
I mean, I wish I could punch up the criteria for the MVP that explicitly states it's a single-season award, but it looks like that's supposed to be self-evident. This does not bode well.
He won't win a third straight NBA scoring title this season because the Lakers were a much better team this season and he gladly deferred to teammates in the scoring column.
So Kobe Bryant is the most valuable because Andrew Bynum improved dramatically, Mitch Kupchak traded for Pau Gasol, and the rest of the team got better? That's kinda the logic here. Obviously, decreased scoring doesn't necessarily mean diminished value, but it seems a bit wonky to argue he was the most valuable by arguing he had a great supporting cast.
I feel like this argument could use some form of, I dunno, numerical objectivity or something. If only there were some sort of numbers that were calculated in some way to analyze a player's contribution to a team beyond mere scoring average. But I suppose such statistics must remain just a pipe dream. Wait, did I say statistics? Huh...don't know where I came up with that word. Hmm...STA-TIS-TICS. Nope, doesn't ring a bell.
He's still the man who takes all the big shots for the Lakers and there aren't many better defenders in the NBA when he needs to be.
He's the best defender...when he has to be. That's...that's a terrible argument. I mean, there are tons of great arguments as to why Kobe is the best, and Bob Matthews has pretty much completely whiffed on all of them.
2. Chris Paul (New Orleans Hornets).
Here's my guy. So, Bob, why is he number 2?
The "knock" on Paul as an MVP candidate is that he's only a third-year pro and has to "pay his dues." That's a lame excuse to vote for someone else.
Yeah, if only there weren't lame assholes writing this sort of shit about Kobe:
I don't know if it is fair to give him extra consideration for his career body of work, but it can't hurt him.
I'm with you, Bob - fuck those guys.
3. LeBron James (Cleveland Cavaliers). Among the four MVP candidates, his team is the only one that won't have a significantly better record than last season. But it isn't his fault.
I'd actually argue that it is his fault, in the sense that it was pretty much completely LeBron's fault that they went 50-32 and made it to the NBA Finals. Can't really call that anyone else's fault.
I guess you could argue, at least based on their reduced record and the emergence of the Celtics, that they've taken a slight step backward from last year, but honestly, not every team can have a forty-game upswing. That'd make them 90 and -8, for one thing, which I'm having trouble even conceptualizing. Though I suspect that may be Bill Simmons's prediction for the 2008-09 Celtics.
4. Kevin Garnett (Boston Celtics). He could be the "thinking man's" MVP.
Why? Because you have to think about it to rationalize it against the work of the others? Because that's not really what the term means.
His stats aren't nearly as impressive as he posted with the Minnesota Timberwolves, but that's because he sacrificed his scoring average to keep fellow stars Paul Pierce and Ray Allen happy.
Crazy guess: Kevin Garnett was also among those happy that Kevin Garnett didn't have to score as much.
His only MVP negatives are being teammates with two other superstars and having won MVP honors in the 2003-04 season. Unlike Bryant, he's not in the running for a lifetime achievement MVP award.
Can we give Bob Matthews an Academy Award vote? Because he's got this "give an award supposedly based on yearly achievement for dubious, career-based reasons" thing motherfucking down. Scorsese would never have had to wait as long as he did if men like Bob had been voting on Gangs of New York. Although the fact that Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar before Marty did is kind of the most awesomely cruel thing ever.
You know what? There's more to this article, but I think I'd rather just turn the rest of the post over to the boys from the most known unknown group in hip-hop today (oh, and I've really got to assume the language is NSFW):
Is that skyline Miami? Because if so I'm assuming that video is an accurate dramatization of Djmmm's life. [Editor's note: Yes. Slightly embellished, but more or less accurate.]
Saturday, April 12, 2008
We got Sussed!
And now a short skit...
Archie: Remember, my readership, when I promised to stop making self-indulgent meta-posts about the site?
My readership: That's right, Archie. You did.
Archie: I lied.
That skit has actually already been adapted into a movie. Of course, typical Hollywood, they had to embellish all the details...
You know what? One bite-sized Arnold clip deserves another.
Ah...that's the stuff. You know, when I set out on this whole blogging thing, I had a five-step plan for world domination. As you can see, my plan has been a year in the making...
1. Get my random stats posted in a comment on Fire Joe Morgan.
Check.
2. Wait a year to allow that incisive commentary to simmer, all the while studying my chosen trade through talking to blogging experts like Dak...and Dolph Lundgren.
Check.
3. Con the nice people at Harper Collins into giving me an interview with Will Leitch just to get a commenting account and a link from Deadspin in what was easily the most Machiavellian thing I've ever done. Well, Machiavellian in the sense that I laughed evilly to myself a lot.
Check. No...checkmate.
4. Join commenting community at Fire Jay Mariotti, filling the all-important role of "possibly coked-out commenter who writes rambling comments full of impenetrable references." Also win their apparently now defunct Reader Extra Participation Friday contest.
Czech.
5. Totally weird out an actual sports blogger.
Oh, that's a big check.
Some of you may remember my "bloggers discuss Mark Cuban" post from awhile back, which represented...
A) A particularly shameless attempt to get linked from Deadspin again
B) A somewhat failed experiment in that most venerable of sports blogging genres, the fake skit
Well, it (rightfully) didn't get Deadspun, I somewhat regretted writing it in the first place, and I figured that was the end of it. Until this happened. Turns out Deadspin weekend daddy and blogger extraordinaire Matt Sussman stumbled upon our site, which I'm pretty sure makes him the first person I've made fun of to actually find out about it (although a stray IP address from ESPN HQ gives me hope that ol' Gene Wojciechowski is secretly reading).
When I found out about this, I did what any blogger with integrity would do - sent him an email thanking him for the link, apologizing profusely for any offense caused, and offering to take the post down. Like I said, integrity. But thanks to links both on his site, The Futon Report, and another in a Deadspin thread, we got a few more dozen readers, which was nice. The whole affair also gave me a few more quotes of praise for our humble blog...
"A good reason never to Google your own name." - Matt Sussman
In response to Sussman's inquiry into who wrote the Mark Cuban post:
"Not me. I have a life." - Deadspin commenter UkraineNotWeak
Anyway, with all that fun out of the way, some site news...
1. We'll be putting up an email address in case you want to contact us with tips, compliments, criticisms, or what have you. I've also put up my individual address in case you want to reach me personally.
2. Anonymous commenting is now enabled. So if you'd like to share your thoughts without giving us the vital information of your Blogger ID with which we could so easily hunt you down over the merest slight...well yeah, now you can.
3. There's also a list of links up there. Because if we don't support this whole "Deadspin" thing, it might not catch on, and so we thought we'd do our bit to boost their flailing traffic.
4. Gimmicks, gimmicks, gimmicks! Like 52 52 52? Of course you do! Well there's plenty more where that came from, and hopefully I'll be rolling out the next one sometime next week. Hell, we're even in negotiations with an actual, honest-to-goodness journalist to blog for our site. More info from that if and when there's anything to report.
And to all our (as many as ten) readers...thanks for reading, everybody. You're the one "everybody" that I'd never, ever fire.
Archie: Remember, my readership, when I promised to stop making self-indulgent meta-posts about the site?
My readership: That's right, Archie. You did.
Archie: I lied.
That skit has actually already been adapted into a movie. Of course, typical Hollywood, they had to embellish all the details...
You know what? One bite-sized Arnold clip deserves another.
Ah...that's the stuff. You know, when I set out on this whole blogging thing, I had a five-step plan for world domination. As you can see, my plan has been a year in the making...
1. Get my random stats posted in a comment on Fire Joe Morgan.
Check.
2. Wait a year to allow that incisive commentary to simmer, all the while studying my chosen trade through talking to blogging experts like Dak...and Dolph Lundgren.
Check.
3. Con the nice people at Harper Collins into giving me an interview with Will Leitch just to get a commenting account and a link from Deadspin in what was easily the most Machiavellian thing I've ever done. Well, Machiavellian in the sense that I laughed evilly to myself a lot.
Check. No...checkmate.
4. Join commenting community at Fire Jay Mariotti, filling the all-important role of "possibly coked-out commenter who writes rambling comments full of impenetrable references." Also win their apparently now defunct Reader Extra Participation Friday contest.
Czech.
5. Totally weird out an actual sports blogger.
Oh, that's a big check.
Some of you may remember my "bloggers discuss Mark Cuban" post from awhile back, which represented...
A) A particularly shameless attempt to get linked from Deadspin again
B) A somewhat failed experiment in that most venerable of sports blogging genres, the fake skit
Well, it (rightfully) didn't get Deadspun, I somewhat regretted writing it in the first place, and I figured that was the end of it. Until this happened. Turns out Deadspin weekend daddy and blogger extraordinaire Matt Sussman stumbled upon our site, which I'm pretty sure makes him the first person I've made fun of to actually find out about it (although a stray IP address from ESPN HQ gives me hope that ol' Gene Wojciechowski is secretly reading).
When I found out about this, I did what any blogger with integrity would do - sent him an email thanking him for the link, apologizing profusely for any offense caused, and offering to take the post down. Like I said, integrity. But thanks to links both on his site, The Futon Report, and another in a Deadspin thread, we got a few more dozen readers, which was nice. The whole affair also gave me a few more quotes of praise for our humble blog...
"A good reason never to Google your own name." - Matt Sussman
In response to Sussman's inquiry into who wrote the Mark Cuban post:
"Not me. I have a life." - Deadspin commenter UkraineNotWeak
Anyway, with all that fun out of the way, some site news...
1. We'll be putting up an email address in case you want to contact us with tips, compliments, criticisms, or what have you. I've also put up my individual address in case you want to reach me personally.
2. Anonymous commenting is now enabled. So if you'd like to share your thoughts without giving us the vital information of your Blogger ID with which we could so easily hunt you down over the merest slight...well yeah, now you can.
3. There's also a list of links up there. Because if we don't support this whole "Deadspin" thing, it might not catch on, and so we thought we'd do our bit to boost their flailing traffic.
4. Gimmicks, gimmicks, gimmicks! Like 52 52 52? Of course you do! Well there's plenty more where that came from, and hopefully I'll be rolling out the next one sometime next week. Hell, we're even in negotiations with an actual, honest-to-goodness journalist to blog for our site. More info from that if and when there's anything to report.
And to all our (as many as ten) readers...thanks for reading, everybody. You're the one "everybody" that I'd never, ever fire.
Friday, April 11, 2008
That pop culture equation can't be right...
Not much to say about this Bill Simmons piece on Barry Bonds, but I can't let this go:
On the day after baseball's first, second or third Opening Day of the 2008 season—sorry, I can't keep track anymore—SoapNet ran the memorable Beverly Hills, 90210, episode with special guest star Barry Bonds. Actually, it can't even be called memorable anymore. It's incredible. Insane. A startling hour of TV. Imagine O.J. Simpson doing the voice of an aggrieved husband whose wife was brutally murdered by Homer in an early-'90s episode of The Simpsons, then triple the shock value, and you have this 90210 classic.
We'll get to the jaw-dropping details in a bit
Nah, Bill, let's just cut right to them:
I, for one, will have this memory: that 90210 in which Steve Sanders was roped into playing in a father-son golf tourney with his dad, Rush, against Rush's country-club nemesis...that's right, a father with a wisecracking baseball-player son named Barry Larson. (The casting of Bonds wasn't even the biggest leap of faith here. C'mon—we were supposed to believe Rush would ever belong to a country club that allowed black members?) As the tourney starts, Rush is cranking his longest drives in years, and that prompts Steve to confront him because, after all, nobody was allowed to cheat, engage in premarital sex, get drunk or use diet pills on 90210 without serious consequences.
When Steve (played with Emmy-worthy zeal by Ian Ziering) threatens to quit and take his blond curls with him, Rush breaks down and admits to using—wait for it—souped-up golf balls! Why, you ask? As Rush explains, he's past his prime and wants to become a club champ once more. In other words, his fear of getting old has forced him to artificially enhance his performance in an athletic competition against a character played by Barry Bonds! In 1994! I can't stop using exclamation points! Someone stop me!
Sorry for the all the long passages, but I want to make sure everything is clear, and since I've never, ever seen Beverly Hills, 90210, I'm not sure just how much info you actually need.
Let's write out the equation on this one:
ShockValue[(OJ as aggrieved husband) + (Homer brutally murdering someone)] * 3 = ShockValue[(A "cheating is bad" storyline on Beverly Hills, 90210) + (Barry Bonds as victim of said cheating)]
So not only is this 90210 episode more shocking than that hypothetical Simpsons episode, but it's three times more insane. This ignores at least two really basic points:
1. OJ almost certainly committing double murder has to be at least a thousand times more shocking than an aging Barry Bonds taking performance enhancers.
2. A Simpsons episode where Homer brutally murdered anyone would be a million billion trillion (or, as the kids call it, an octillion) more shocking than some tired 90210 piece on the vice of cheating.
I love hyperbole as much as the next guy (hell, just look at that last point), but Bill seriously needs to lose his hard-on for the unintentional hilarity of 90210, especially when he could just as easily enjoy the intentional hilarity of this:
On the day after baseball's first, second or third Opening Day of the 2008 season—sorry, I can't keep track anymore—SoapNet ran the memorable Beverly Hills, 90210, episode with special guest star Barry Bonds. Actually, it can't even be called memorable anymore. It's incredible. Insane. A startling hour of TV. Imagine O.J. Simpson doing the voice of an aggrieved husband whose wife was brutally murdered by Homer in an early-'90s episode of The Simpsons, then triple the shock value, and you have this 90210 classic.
We'll get to the jaw-dropping details in a bit
Nah, Bill, let's just cut right to them:
I, for one, will have this memory: that 90210 in which Steve Sanders was roped into playing in a father-son golf tourney with his dad, Rush, against Rush's country-club nemesis...that's right, a father with a wisecracking baseball-player son named Barry Larson. (The casting of Bonds wasn't even the biggest leap of faith here. C'mon—we were supposed to believe Rush would ever belong to a country club that allowed black members?) As the tourney starts, Rush is cranking his longest drives in years, and that prompts Steve to confront him because, after all, nobody was allowed to cheat, engage in premarital sex, get drunk or use diet pills on 90210 without serious consequences.
When Steve (played with Emmy-worthy zeal by Ian Ziering) threatens to quit and take his blond curls with him, Rush breaks down and admits to using—wait for it—souped-up golf balls! Why, you ask? As Rush explains, he's past his prime and wants to become a club champ once more. In other words, his fear of getting old has forced him to artificially enhance his performance in an athletic competition against a character played by Barry Bonds! In 1994! I can't stop using exclamation points! Someone stop me!
Sorry for the all the long passages, but I want to make sure everything is clear, and since I've never, ever seen Beverly Hills, 90210, I'm not sure just how much info you actually need.
Let's write out the equation on this one:
ShockValue[(OJ as aggrieved husband) + (Homer brutally murdering someone)] * 3 = ShockValue[(A "cheating is bad" storyline on Beverly Hills, 90210) + (Barry Bonds as victim of said cheating)]
So not only is this 90210 episode more shocking than that hypothetical Simpsons episode, but it's three times more insane. This ignores at least two really basic points:
1. OJ almost certainly committing double murder has to be at least a thousand times more shocking than an aging Barry Bonds taking performance enhancers.
2. A Simpsons episode where Homer brutally murdered anyone would be a million billion trillion (or, as the kids call it, an octillion) more shocking than some tired 90210 piece on the vice of cheating.
I love hyperbole as much as the next guy (hell, just look at that last point), but Bill seriously needs to lose his hard-on for the unintentional hilarity of 90210, especially when he could just as easily enjoy the intentional hilarity of this:
Thursday, April 10, 2008
You know what I don't care about? The Olympics...
[Note: not giving a shit about the Olympics originally opined by Will Leitch himself in God Save the Fan. Mr. Leitch's opinion agreed with here without express written permission.]
But you know what I do care about? Hating on Gregg Doyel, that's what. So let's ditch the safety net of stats and get into my true wheelhouse - complex, multifaceted questions of international relations that combine economics, politics, and ethics in an almost unfathomable stew. Gregg, you have some thoughts on the Olympics?
Try not to smash your face into your keyboard as you read the following sentence: The 2008 Olympics are being threatened by the human rights protest du jour.
Wait, what's supposed to be smash-inducing about that? The fact that some outdated, uninteresting sporting event is being used as a forum to draw attention to a terrible human rights abuse? What's so horrible about that?
[Somewhat serious note: Tibet is a really complicated mess of an issue for no end of reasons, and honestly I'm not sure I have anything intelligent to say about it. Well, unless you count, "Man, that Tibet thing is fucked up." But without even having read the rest of the article, I am absolutely certain Gregg Doyel has nothing worthwhile to say about it, and if there's one thing the debate doesn't need it's some cantankerous jerk of a sportswriter weighing in on something he doesn't understand. I'm here in some very feeble attempt to cancel him out, and that's all. I don't claim to have any more profound understanding than that.]
Today it's Tibet, which means Richard Gere, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and the rest of the do-gooder elite are in luck. The 2008 Summer Games are approaching in Beijing, so unless China stops pushing around Tibet, the solution is simple.
Boycott!
He's so right - fucking do-gooders, the lot of them! And what about this whole "elite" thing? Fucking elitists, always deciding for regular schmoes like Gregg or me whether China should horrifically violate our basic human rights for half a century. Like they always know what's best for us.
The Olympic torch passed through the United States on Wednesday and was met with massive protests, with the torch -- an inanimate object, for Chrissakes -- needing its own security.
Yeah, because if there's one thing that can never have power, it's a symbol. A symbol invented by the Nazis for the 1936 Olympics in order to make literal the supposed link between classical Greece and the Third Reich, as seen in Leni Riefenstahl's Olympia, but a symbol nonetheless. You can see it all in my favorite source of documentary evidence, German death metal videos.
But you know what? Decrying the protest of what is essentially recontextualized Nazi iconography is only the very tip of Gregg's asinine iceberg (asin-iceberg?).
Meanwhile, in Europe, a boycott of the entire Olympiad -- not just the opening ceremonies -- is being openly discussed. It's a matter of time before that discussion hits this country, with Gere already saying the United States should do it.
Knucklehead.
Knucklehead? Apparently Michael Wilbon is co-writing this garbage. That at least explains all the aimless rage, although I would have expected some "Tibet protesters are like the NFL draft - IRRELEVANT and the knuckleheads who care about it are DOPES!" comment by now.
Let me make this as plain as possible: Tibetans do not come before Americans. Sorry. They just don't.
Now that's what I call ethical philosophy! Peter Singer, your preferential utilitarian ass just got pwned by Gregg Doyel. How the hell are you going to come up with a more rigorous proof than, "They just don't"? Fucker even apologized for your wrongness. You know what that is? That's classy. And logically consistent. Consistent with schooling your ass in matters philosophical!
You know what? Fuck it, Gregg Doyel just solved the entire field of ethics with one simple formula:
Americans > Tibetans
Suck it, Jeremy Bentham, I'd like to see anything even half as enlightening as that in fucking The Principles of Morals and Legislation. Greatest happiness principle my ass!
And it's not about numbers, because if it were, the boycott movement would win. China has brutally occupied Tibet for more than 50 years, and by some accounts more than 1.2 million Tibetans have died because of it. There will be roughly 550 members of the 2008 U.S. Olympic team.
You see, don't think Gregg Doyel is a heartless asshole who only cares about Olympic athletes. He cares about this whole Tibet thing, dammit. You know how I know that? Because he mentions it in one fucking sentence, that's why. Or at least what "some accounts" say about it.
If this were a mathematical equation, it would read like this: 1.2 million is greater than 550. Therefore, boycott.
Right, but we already established your pioneering formula of Americans > Tibet, which clearly supersedes mere arithmetic. Also, Gregg, "therefore"? C'mon, you're an ethical philosopher now. "QED", please.
But this isn't a mathematical equation. Our loyalties in this country, now more than ever, must be to our people first.
Couldn't find a way to cram "support our troops" in there, could you? What about:
"It's a smack in the face to all our brave men and women serving overseas who are fighting for our right to take bronze in the archery."
You can have that one for free. Schmuck.
Nothing against the Tibetans. What they've been subjected to is outrageous. It's horrific.
Dude, the construction "Nothing against the [BLANK]" is appropriate for, say, noting that your coworker's kid is kind of a brat. You know, like this: "Nothing against Jodie, but sometimes I want to slap that kid of hers. Always with the singing!" However, it is not sufficient if you want to trivialize a human rights abuse. You'd at least have to throw in a "Look" at the start - you know, "Look, nothing against the Tibetans." See what that did there? The "Look" shows people you're getting real.
But it's not Amanda Sims' problem. Sims is a college freshman from Santa Rosa, Calif., who wakes before dawn to swim, then goes to class, then returns to the pool for another practice session in the evening. When she was in high school her coaches said she didn't miss a practice. Ever. In four years. That's a streak of more than 1,300 sessions. Why so serious? Because she was in training for the 2008 Olympics.
Gere and anyone who wants to join the boycotting movement needs to knock on Amanda Sims' door tomorrow at 5:15 a.m. -- she'll be awake -- and tell her: Sorry, you've wasted the last 12 years of your life. Tibet needs our help.
Gregg Doyel, you sack of shit. I started this post with the noble goal of making fun of you, but now I'm just legitimately enraged.
The obvious response to those paragraphs is to reverse them, to describe the horrific conditions Tibetans live under - which are way worse than having to practice swimming a lot, I can assure you - and then say that I hope Gregg will be telling those people, "Sorry, the rest of your life is doomed to endless pain and suffering at the hands of a brutal, oppressive regime. Amanda Sims needs her shot at a medal." But you know what? I think that'd be unnecessarily sensationalist and tastelessly dickish, and I'm going to take something resembling the high road here. Also, I apologize to Amanda Sims for dragging her into the crossfire of my war against Gregg Doyel. Sometimes I hurt the innocent in my drive to punish the wicked. I'm like a badass vigilante in that respect.
Maybe I'd feel differently about this if a U.S. boycott of the 2008 Olympiad would work, but it won't.
Gregg goes on to describe how the boycott of the 1980 Olympics in the Soviet Union did nothing to stop all the carnage in Afghanistan. And yes, that's true. Indeed, there's something to be said for an intelligent, rational discussion of the many, many factors that go into this entire business. I mean, it's probably true that a boycott amounts to little more than empty saber-rattling and that no real political pressure will actually be placed upon the Chinese to improve the Tibet situation.
And so then one can wonder whether, as cruel as it may sound, maybe all a boycott would accomplish is screwing over the athletes in the name of an empty gesture towards the Tibetans, and that unless politicians are really serious about getting tough on China, a boycott is pointless. That's a harsh but quite possibly true analysis, and deserves the attention of a sophisticated, intelligent writer who can argue them out. A writer who doesn't marginalize the important exercise of freedom of speech that is peaceful protest. A writer who doesn't reduce a complex question of political ethics to a jingoistic formula. A writer who doesn't spend more time detailing some swimmer's workout schedule than the last fifty years of Tibetan history. A writer who actually realizes the horrific, painful irony of including these two sentences in his article:
I care more about hundreds of Americans than millions of Tibetans. Sorry. I just do.
Let's not forgive the guilty. But let's not forsake the innocent.
God dammit Gregg Doyel, you've made me not funny. I mean intentionally not funny.
But you know what I do care about? Hating on Gregg Doyel, that's what. So let's ditch the safety net of stats and get into my true wheelhouse - complex, multifaceted questions of international relations that combine economics, politics, and ethics in an almost unfathomable stew. Gregg, you have some thoughts on the Olympics?
Try not to smash your face into your keyboard as you read the following sentence: The 2008 Olympics are being threatened by the human rights protest du jour.
Wait, what's supposed to be smash-inducing about that? The fact that some outdated, uninteresting sporting event is being used as a forum to draw attention to a terrible human rights abuse? What's so horrible about that?
[Somewhat serious note: Tibet is a really complicated mess of an issue for no end of reasons, and honestly I'm not sure I have anything intelligent to say about it. Well, unless you count, "Man, that Tibet thing is fucked up." But without even having read the rest of the article, I am absolutely certain Gregg Doyel has nothing worthwhile to say about it, and if there's one thing the debate doesn't need it's some cantankerous jerk of a sportswriter weighing in on something he doesn't understand. I'm here in some very feeble attempt to cancel him out, and that's all. I don't claim to have any more profound understanding than that.]
Today it's Tibet, which means Richard Gere, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and the rest of the do-gooder elite are in luck. The 2008 Summer Games are approaching in Beijing, so unless China stops pushing around Tibet, the solution is simple.
Boycott!
He's so right - fucking do-gooders, the lot of them! And what about this whole "elite" thing? Fucking elitists, always deciding for regular schmoes like Gregg or me whether China should horrifically violate our basic human rights for half a century. Like they always know what's best for us.
The Olympic torch passed through the United States on Wednesday and was met with massive protests, with the torch -- an inanimate object, for Chrissakes -- needing its own security.
Yeah, because if there's one thing that can never have power, it's a symbol. A symbol invented by the Nazis for the 1936 Olympics in order to make literal the supposed link between classical Greece and the Third Reich, as seen in Leni Riefenstahl's Olympia, but a symbol nonetheless. You can see it all in my favorite source of documentary evidence, German death metal videos.
But you know what? Decrying the protest of what is essentially recontextualized Nazi iconography is only the very tip of Gregg's asinine iceberg (asin-iceberg?).
Meanwhile, in Europe, a boycott of the entire Olympiad -- not just the opening ceremonies -- is being openly discussed. It's a matter of time before that discussion hits this country, with Gere already saying the United States should do it.
Knucklehead.
Knucklehead? Apparently Michael Wilbon is co-writing this garbage. That at least explains all the aimless rage, although I would have expected some "Tibet protesters are like the NFL draft - IRRELEVANT and the knuckleheads who care about it are DOPES!" comment by now.
Let me make this as plain as possible: Tibetans do not come before Americans. Sorry. They just don't.
Now that's what I call ethical philosophy! Peter Singer, your preferential utilitarian ass just got pwned by Gregg Doyel. How the hell are you going to come up with a more rigorous proof than, "They just don't"? Fucker even apologized for your wrongness. You know what that is? That's classy. And logically consistent. Consistent with schooling your ass in matters philosophical!
You know what? Fuck it, Gregg Doyel just solved the entire field of ethics with one simple formula:
Americans > Tibetans
Suck it, Jeremy Bentham, I'd like to see anything even half as enlightening as that in fucking The Principles of Morals and Legislation. Greatest happiness principle my ass!
And it's not about numbers, because if it were, the boycott movement would win. China has brutally occupied Tibet for more than 50 years, and by some accounts more than 1.2 million Tibetans have died because of it. There will be roughly 550 members of the 2008 U.S. Olympic team.
You see, don't think Gregg Doyel is a heartless asshole who only cares about Olympic athletes. He cares about this whole Tibet thing, dammit. You know how I know that? Because he mentions it in one fucking sentence, that's why. Or at least what "some accounts" say about it.
If this were a mathematical equation, it would read like this: 1.2 million is greater than 550. Therefore, boycott.
Right, but we already established your pioneering formula of Americans > Tibet, which clearly supersedes mere arithmetic. Also, Gregg, "therefore"? C'mon, you're an ethical philosopher now. "QED", please.
But this isn't a mathematical equation. Our loyalties in this country, now more than ever, must be to our people first.
Couldn't find a way to cram "support our troops" in there, could you? What about:
"It's a smack in the face to all our brave men and women serving overseas who are fighting for our right to take bronze in the archery."
You can have that one for free. Schmuck.
Nothing against the Tibetans. What they've been subjected to is outrageous. It's horrific.
Dude, the construction "Nothing against the [BLANK]" is appropriate for, say, noting that your coworker's kid is kind of a brat. You know, like this: "Nothing against Jodie, but sometimes I want to slap that kid of hers. Always with the singing!" However, it is not sufficient if you want to trivialize a human rights abuse. You'd at least have to throw in a "Look" at the start - you know, "Look, nothing against the Tibetans." See what that did there? The "Look" shows people you're getting real.
But it's not Amanda Sims' problem. Sims is a college freshman from Santa Rosa, Calif., who wakes before dawn to swim, then goes to class, then returns to the pool for another practice session in the evening. When she was in high school her coaches said she didn't miss a practice. Ever. In four years. That's a streak of more than 1,300 sessions. Why so serious? Because she was in training for the 2008 Olympics.
Gere and anyone who wants to join the boycotting movement needs to knock on Amanda Sims' door tomorrow at 5:15 a.m. -- she'll be awake -- and tell her: Sorry, you've wasted the last 12 years of your life. Tibet needs our help.
Gregg Doyel, you sack of shit. I started this post with the noble goal of making fun of you, but now I'm just legitimately enraged.
The obvious response to those paragraphs is to reverse them, to describe the horrific conditions Tibetans live under - which are way worse than having to practice swimming a lot, I can assure you - and then say that I hope Gregg will be telling those people, "Sorry, the rest of your life is doomed to endless pain and suffering at the hands of a brutal, oppressive regime. Amanda Sims needs her shot at a medal." But you know what? I think that'd be unnecessarily sensationalist and tastelessly dickish, and I'm going to take something resembling the high road here. Also, I apologize to Amanda Sims for dragging her into the crossfire of my war against Gregg Doyel. Sometimes I hurt the innocent in my drive to punish the wicked. I'm like a badass vigilante in that respect.
Maybe I'd feel differently about this if a U.S. boycott of the 2008 Olympiad would work, but it won't.
Gregg goes on to describe how the boycott of the 1980 Olympics in the Soviet Union did nothing to stop all the carnage in Afghanistan. And yes, that's true. Indeed, there's something to be said for an intelligent, rational discussion of the many, many factors that go into this entire business. I mean, it's probably true that a boycott amounts to little more than empty saber-rattling and that no real political pressure will actually be placed upon the Chinese to improve the Tibet situation.
And so then one can wonder whether, as cruel as it may sound, maybe all a boycott would accomplish is screwing over the athletes in the name of an empty gesture towards the Tibetans, and that unless politicians are really serious about getting tough on China, a boycott is pointless. That's a harsh but quite possibly true analysis, and deserves the attention of a sophisticated, intelligent writer who can argue them out. A writer who doesn't marginalize the important exercise of freedom of speech that is peaceful protest. A writer who doesn't reduce a complex question of political ethics to a jingoistic formula. A writer who doesn't spend more time detailing some swimmer's workout schedule than the last fifty years of Tibetan history. A writer who actually realizes the horrific, painful irony of including these two sentences in his article:
I care more about hundreds of Americans than millions of Tibetans. Sorry. I just do.
Let's not forgive the guilty. But let's not forsake the innocent.
God dammit Gregg Doyel, you've made me not funny. I mean intentionally not funny.
"Hoc-key?" is actually the pronunciation in Canada
I'm watching the Broooons-Habs game, pretending I can still care about hockey after the Canucks lost 10000 of 10001 games to end the season and miss the playoffs. As if they know I'm here, grumpy, they show an ad with Roberto Luongo talking about the importance of winning the cup and stuff, as well as a picture of a packed, cheering GM Place. This isn't bad sports journalism, it's just...like...fucking cruel.
Anyway, we got one of the strangest calls I've ever heard from NESN play-by-play Jack Edwards:
Whatever dude.
Update, combining the last two posts a bit:
Whatever dude.
Anyway, we got one of the strangest calls I've ever heard from NESN play-by-play Jack Edwards:
"Murray couldn't stick a fork in the bouncing puck."
Whatever dude.
Update, combining the last two posts a bit:
"He just couldn't get his nasty up."
Whatever dude.
Nick Saban, Fasturbator
SI.com's Andy Staples has an article about slick Nick Saban. This is a quote of Saban's:
Again, with size of letters relative to phrase hilarity:
So, if I'm reading this right (and really, what do I mean "if"), Nick Saban wants his players to slooooow it down when masturbating. Anyway, back to sulking about the NHL playoffs.
"We live in a very result-oriented world now," he says. "Everybody talks about instant instant coffee, instant tea, instant self-gratification, instant everything. Because of that, these kids grow up a little bit more result-oriented. You know, 'I want to catch 50 passes' as opposed to 'What do I need to do to catch 50 passes?' But when they don't catch 50 passes, they're very frustrated. Their whole motivation is toward the reward."
Again, with size of letters relative to phrase hilarity:
"We live in a very result-oriented world now," he says. "Everybody talks about instant instant coffee, instant tea, instant self-gratification, instant everything. Because of that, these kids grow up a little bit more result-oriented. You know, 'I want to catch 50 passes' as opposed to 'What do I need to do to catch 50 passes?' But when they don't catch 50 passes, they're very frustrated. Their whole motivation is toward the reward."
So, if I'm reading this right (and really, what do I mean "if"), Nick Saban wants his players to slooooow it down when masturbating. Anyway, back to sulking about the NHL playoffs.
Sports Radio Personalities Are Dumb
As I'm driving in this morning As I was scratching myself in mom's basement this morning, I made the mistake of listening to former Imus sidekick Sid Rosenberg on one of the Local SportsTalk Radio Stations. He had a guest on and they were discussing the Florida Marlins, currently 5-3 with the lowest payroll in baseball (Small Sample Sizes are fun!). Might the Marlins be better than expected? Sure. I mean Hanley Ramirez is pretty damned good and will probably be even better as time goes by and he reaches his prime. I mean, for Christ's sake, the guy's only 24 years old and already he had an arguably MVP calibre year in 2007. Shit, he's putting up an OPS+ of 228! (See, aren't small sample sizes fun? Yay!)
I digress. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera were traded to the Detroit Tigers for a number of talented, but not quite ready for prime-time players. If for whatever inexcusable reason, you haven't followed Miguel Cabrera's career up to this point (yes, asshole, I'm talking to you), you'll know that Cabrera is really good. Seriously, like possibly future Hall of Fame good. Matter of fact, if you look at the statistics, the most similar batter by age to Miguel Cabrera is this guy:
Let me preface the following by noting that if I were a Marlins fan, I would miss Dontrelle tremendously. The DUI/peeing on Collins Avenue incident aside, Dontrelle Willis is a righteous dude. He's fan-friendly, says all the right things to the media, and is fun to watch. I met him a couple of times (once at a Hooters) and I can personally attest to the fact that the Train is a really nice kid.
However, one thing he is not, and has not been is a very good pitcher. Back to Sid now (and I'm paraphrasing here).
I know this might sound crazy, but I think the Marlins will miss Dontrelle more than Cabrera.
...
Archie, am I allowed to use the same picture twice in consecutive posts? You know, this one:
Sure, why not. Miguel Cabrera is an amazing hitter. Rosenberg's rationale, given after being politely told by his guest that he was nuts, was that the Marlins need pitching much more than they need hitting given that Hanley Ramirez, Dan Uggla, and the rest of the Marlins' lineup will score enough runs.
This is nonsense on stilts.
It would kind of sort of make sense if Dontrelle Willis were a good pitcher, or even a league average pitcher. Unfortunately for Sid, he hasn't been that since 2005 when he ruled the schools and notched an ERA+ of 151 and finished second in the Cy Young balloting. Since then he's been in a free-fall. He was a little bit above average in 2006 (ERA+ of 112) and just plain bad last year (83). Dontrelle has never been much a strikeout pitcher and his K/9IP has declined. All this, combined with the fact that he's also walking more guys and (small sample size disclaimer) isn't exactly setting the world on fire in Detroit leads one to believe that Dontrelle isn't half the player Miguel Cabrera is.
Furthermore, Cabrera is being replaced by a guy who notched a remarkable OPS+ last year of 79. Last year, Cabrera put up a 150. This isn't even close. Sid Rosenburg is a fucking retard.
I digress. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera were traded to the Detroit Tigers for a number of talented, but not quite ready for prime-time players. If for whatever inexcusable reason, you haven't followed Miguel Cabrera's career up to this point (yes, asshole, I'm talking to you), you'll know that Cabrera is really good. Seriously, like possibly future Hall of Fame good. Matter of fact, if you look at the statistics, the most similar batter by age to Miguel Cabrera is this guy:
Let me preface the following by noting that if I were a Marlins fan, I would miss Dontrelle tremendously. The DUI/peeing on Collins Avenue incident aside, Dontrelle Willis is a righteous dude. He's fan-friendly, says all the right things to the media, and is fun to watch. I met him a couple of times (once at a Hooters) and I can personally attest to the fact that the Train is a really nice kid.
However, one thing he is not, and has not been is a very good pitcher. Back to Sid now (and I'm paraphrasing here).
I know this might sound crazy, but I think the Marlins will miss Dontrelle more than Cabrera.
...
Archie, am I allowed to use the same picture twice in consecutive posts? You know, this one:
Sure, why not. Miguel Cabrera is an amazing hitter. Rosenberg's rationale, given after being politely told by his guest that he was nuts, was that the Marlins need pitching much more than they need hitting given that Hanley Ramirez, Dan Uggla, and the rest of the Marlins' lineup will score enough runs.
This is nonsense on stilts.
It would kind of sort of make sense if Dontrelle Willis were a good pitcher, or even a league average pitcher. Unfortunately for Sid, he hasn't been that since 2005 when he ruled the schools and notched an ERA+ of 151 and finished second in the Cy Young balloting. Since then he's been in a free-fall. He was a little bit above average in 2006 (ERA+ of 112) and just plain bad last year (83). Dontrelle has never been much a strikeout pitcher and his K/9IP has declined. All this, combined with the fact that he's also walking more guys and (small sample size disclaimer) isn't exactly setting the world on fire in Detroit leads one to believe that Dontrelle isn't half the player Miguel Cabrera is.
Furthermore, Cabrera is being replaced by a guy who notched a remarkable OPS+ last year of 79. Last year, Cabrera put up a 150. This isn't even close. Sid Rosenburg is a fucking retard.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Weird
When was the last time a Weber State player made the front page of SI.com? And is what Ryan Clady's doing in that picture legal?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Sacrilege???
Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that you have the best shortstop in the game. Playing third base you have the second best shortstop in the game. Guy #1 gets hurt for a few games. Who do you play at short until Guy #1 gets well? Reasonable people say Guy #2. Unreasonable people like Jeff Passan write shitty articles like this:
In any case, I think even the most unreasonable of people can agree: First base is a very different position from shortstop and a metric measuring defense might not work for first base but still work quite well for the rest of the field. This is such an obvious and universal truth that it could potentially lead to Archie, Bill James, Tim McCarver, Ken Tremendous, Hat Guy, Larry B, Joe Morgan, and me all sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya.
Not nearly as dubious is John Dewan’s book, “The Fielding Bible”, in which Dewan culls data from every play and rates players on a plus-minus scale – plus for making a play that at least one of his peers had missed, and minus for the opposite. It is the new standard for fielding statistics, and in the past three years, Jeter is minus-90, the second-worst number in all of baseball, better only than Manny Ramirez’s minus-109.
Okay Manny Ramirez does kind of suck defensively. I haven't read the book, but I'm assuming ol' Jeff has. I mean, he just said that it's "not nearly as dubious". Maybe Jeff will endorse this view, or at least give it credence. Or maybe he'll break it down and tell us why Jeter is The Balls and John Dewan and all those nerds at Wharton should go suck a dick. Let's see what he has to say.
Is that damning enough to even entertain alternates at the position of the most beloved Yankee of the past two decades? Probably not, even though the Yankees sure have a built-in excuse if they want to see whether a bulkier, older A-Rod can cut it at shortstop.
My response to this paragraph:
First of all there is absolutely no defense of Jeter as a shortstop. None. Not even a "he's clutch" or "he makes that pretty play across his body to first." It's almost like he's saying, "It is so ridiculous to even suggest that Jeter is anything less than a fabulous defensive shortstop, that I'm not even going to bother denying that Jeter sucks defensively."
Jeter's not playing. There are a number of reasons to think he isn't even close to being the Guy #1 described in the ideal hypothetical offered in the beginning of this article. There's a Hall of Famer who can play shortstop sitting on the roster. It's a hell of alot easier to replace a third baseman than a shortstop. And the Yankees won't/shouldn't play Rodriguez because of Jeter's ego??? Can anyone imagine the shitstorm that would result if the situation was reversed?
Anyway, Passan goes on to say that Wilson Betemit is the answer at short while Jeter sits. And then, this...
Rodriguez will stand next to him. He last played shortstop full time in 2003. Five years is a long time. And still, the idea just won’t die. It’s so crazy it just might work, and weird as it sounds, that’s the last thing the Yankees need.
What the hell is crazy about this idea? You have a guy who was better than Jeter in the first place until he came to New York and deferred to Jeter's Ego. The only crazy thing to do here is NOT play Rodriguez at shortstop if Jeter's out indefinitely. Jesus fucking Christ.
One large study, conducted at the Wharton Business School, uses a metric – a statistic-based analysis – to show how Jeter was the pits from 2002-05 and Rodriguez was among the best shortstops. Its veracity is questionable, considering it named the positively slothful Ken Harvey as its first-base representative.
I'm not gonna lie. I don't get paid to watch or write about baseball. So I have never seen Ken Harvey play. He could very well suck monkey balls. Having said that, the same study names Doug Mientkiewicz as the next best first baseman, a player whose defensive prowess gets talked about pretty often.In any case, I think even the most unreasonable of people can agree: First base is a very different position from shortstop and a metric measuring defense might not work for first base but still work quite well for the rest of the field. This is such an obvious and universal truth that it could potentially lead to Archie, Bill James, Tim McCarver, Ken Tremendous, Hat Guy, Larry B, Joe Morgan, and me all sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya.
Not nearly as dubious is John Dewan’s book, “The Fielding Bible”, in which Dewan culls data from every play and rates players on a plus-minus scale – plus for making a play that at least one of his peers had missed, and minus for the opposite. It is the new standard for fielding statistics, and in the past three years, Jeter is minus-90, the second-worst number in all of baseball, better only than Manny Ramirez’s minus-109.
Okay Manny Ramirez does kind of suck defensively. I haven't read the book, but I'm assuming ol' Jeff has. I mean, he just said that it's "not nearly as dubious". Maybe Jeff will endorse this view, or at least give it credence. Or maybe he'll break it down and tell us why Jeter is The Balls and John Dewan and all those nerds at Wharton should go suck a dick. Let's see what he has to say.
Is that damning enough to even entertain alternates at the position of the most beloved Yankee of the past two decades? Probably not, even though the Yankees sure have a built-in excuse if they want to see whether a bulkier, older A-Rod can cut it at shortstop.
My response to this paragraph:
First of all there is absolutely no defense of Jeter as a shortstop. None. Not even a "he's clutch" or "he makes that pretty play across his body to first." It's almost like he's saying, "It is so ridiculous to even suggest that Jeter is anything less than a fabulous defensive shortstop, that I'm not even going to bother denying that Jeter sucks defensively."
Jeter's not playing. There are a number of reasons to think he isn't even close to being the Guy #1 described in the ideal hypothetical offered in the beginning of this article. There's a Hall of Famer who can play shortstop sitting on the roster. It's a hell of alot easier to replace a third baseman than a shortstop. And the Yankees won't/shouldn't play Rodriguez because of Jeter's ego??? Can anyone imagine the shitstorm that would result if the situation was reversed?
Anyway, Passan goes on to say that Wilson Betemit is the answer at short while Jeter sits. And then, this...
Rodriguez will stand next to him. He last played shortstop full time in 2003. Five years is a long time. And still, the idea just won’t die. It’s so crazy it just might work, and weird as it sounds, that’s the last thing the Yankees need.
What the hell is crazy about this idea? You have a guy who was better than Jeter in the first place until he came to New York and deferred to Jeter's Ego. The only crazy thing to do here is NOT play Rodriguez at shortstop if Jeter's out indefinitely. Jesus fucking Christ.
The movie nerd part of me is going to ghostwrite this baseball post...
Welcome to another edition of unfairly taking vaguely amusing puff pieces ridiculously seriously. Because whenever I perceive an attack on my ironclad knowledge of pop culture and sports (mostly pop culture), you better believe I go on the warpath.
SI's unbelievably bizarrely named Extra Mustard has a photo gallery where they go about "Drafting Baseball Movie Characters". Here's the premise:
We've all seen some great players up on the big screen in movies -- both great, and absolutely horrendous -- about baseball. If a draft of baseball players from movies was ever held, this is what the 10 picks might look like.
One problem I think I should immediately raise is that they count it down from 10 to 1, so it isn't really a mock draft so much as a Top 10 list. Sounds like somebody didn't want to give David Letterman his due. Seriously, why claim it's a draft if you're not even going to bother going in the right order? Man, I'm already rankled. Rankled I say!
[By the way, if you find it singularly wrongheaded of me that this is the closest I've come to a baseball post lately...well, you're right.]
No. 10: Roy Hobbs, The Natural
Sure, he's arguably the best hitter anyone has ever seen, but his shocking numbers and ability to literally rip the cover off the ball at his advanced age raises red flags about the possible usage of performance-enhancing drugs. A potential Senate committee hearing, as well as his frequent destruction of stadium lights, may make Hobbs more trouble than he's worth.
Extra Mustard, you son of a bitch. How dare you suggest Roy Hobbs is a juicer. Why, Roy Hobbs is grit and hustle raised to their Platonic motherhumping ideals (read: Robert Redford is incredibly white). And hell, didn't you see the movie? The only performance-enhancer Roy Hobbs was on was *WHOOSH* MAGIC. And the day they figure out how to test for magic is the day Neifi Perez gets busted for stimulants (aw, shit).
Also, since I'm taking the logic of this stupid list absurdly seriously, I need to point out the crack about his age suggests you're getting Hobbs after the end of the film, or at least after most of the film's events have elapsed. This is relevant for later.
No. 9: Ed, Ed
The only thing less plausible than a chimp playing Minor League Baseball is Matt LeBlanc having the ability to throw 125 miles per hour. Although "Ed" was one of the worst films ever made -- but arguably not the worst movie ever made by a star of "Friends" -- putting a chimp on the field is a guaranteed way for a struggling franchise to put people in the seats.
Wouldn't the better pick from this movie be, you know, the dude with the 125 mph fastball? I mean, beyond the whole being human thing, his pitch is at least twenty miles per hour faster than even the wildest claims in fastball history. Also, the ninth pick - the "take this chimp before Roy Hobbs" pick, if you will - is admittedly just a publicity stunt. Pretty sure you don't need to draft a publicity stunt, dude; thing about them is, generally speaking, they'll do pretty much anything if you give them attention. Or, in this case, delicious bananas.
No. 8: Bobby Rayburn, The Fan
A change of scenery should do wonders for this former three-time MVP who looks an awful lot like a mustachioed, pre-juiced Barry Bonds. He may have had a poor year with the Giants recently, but you wouldn't play all that well either if you couldn't get your lucky number and had Robert DeNiro stalking you.
Wait, so Roy Hobbs is a PED risk, but a blatant Barry Bonds impersonation isn't? Extra Mustard, sometimes I wonder about your list credentials.
No. 7: Henry Rowengartner, Rookie of the Year<
Get past the child labor laws and you have a 12-year-old who had the best "Tommy John Surgery" of all-time and can now throw 103 mph.
First of all, putting Tommy John Surgery in quotes like that is lame. Two major reasons:
1. It wasn't Tommy John surgery. It wasn't anything like Tommy John surgery. Tommy John surgery, sometimes known as ulnar collateral ligament reconstruction, is where the tendon in the elbow is replaced with a tendon from somewhere else in the body. Everybody knows Rowengartner (or Rulenfurter, as crusty manager Sal Martinella dubbed him) got that way because his tendons healed a little tight. So yeah, you can't turn that into Tommy John surgery by putting it in quotes.
2. "Surgery" shouldn't be capitalized there, and I'm sure it's only the quotes that made them feel justified doing it. Unnecessary capitalization makes me sick.
My other big problem is that the Roy Hobbs thing seemed to establish that you're drafting the character after the events of the movie. Which, for those of us familiar with the plot of Rookie of the Year (and honestly, who isn't?), means you're getting Henry Rowengartner after his fastball had totally disappeared and he had to get by on such classics as the hidden ball trick and the eephus pitch. So yeah...if you want a twelve-year-old Jamie Moyer, be my guest.
(Not that Jamie Moyer isn't awesome in his way, of course, but come on, Extra Mustard, you have to play by your random, arbitrary rules for your weird bullshit list thingy. Otherwise there'd be anarchy, I tell you!)
No. 6: Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Major League
Despite the current trend of hard-throwing closers around the league, a history of run-ins with the law and a tragically dated haircut prevents Ricky from being taken any higher than sixth.
A closer? At number six overall? If I gave a shit about fantasy baseball, I imagine now is when I would derisively invite Extra Mustard to join my keeper league. Or something. (This same argument applies to Rowengartner as well, come to think of it.)
Also, in re the whole "dated hair" thing, I have to admit that no one with a bad haircut could ever dominate in baseball these days. Right Randy?
Ya darn tootin'.
(And yes, I'm seriously deconstructing a joke piece of analysis in a joke article. I'm completely aware of that. I'd feel worse about it if this article was actually, you know, good.)
No. 5: Amanda Wurlitzer, Bad News Bears
Any team would love to throw Amanda out on the hill once every five days. She's got an arsenal of pitches comparable to Dice-K, and mental toughness that comes from being the only girl in an all-boys league. The only drawback of this innings eater is fear of overuse by her first coach, Morris Buttermaker, who clearly didn't believe in pitch counts.
It's W-H-urlitzer, you misspelling putz (and yes, I misspelled "misspelling" the first time around). Problems with the analysis here...
1. A Little League pitcher that even this article concedes is an innings eater is ahead of Roy Hobbs and the unholy fusion of Barry Bonds and Wesley Snipes.
2. Part of the case for is based on "mental toughness." That's cognitive grittiness, that is, and I'm not going to stand for it! Pshaw!
3. Kelly Leak was clearly the best player on that team. I'd say more, but then I'd risk revealing I'm secretly Bill Simmons. Or at least his dark reflection.
4. Take a look at the accompanying photo:
That's not Tatum O'Neal. That's Sammi Kane from the Billy Bob version. Extra Mustard, once again, you are one sick son of a bitch. If you're going to do this inane list, at least have the common decency to quote the classics. And, by classics, I mean "had Walter Matthau and an adorable bigot."
No. 4: Montgomery Brewster, Brewster's Millions
For a team strapped for cash, this would be the ultimate "Moneyball" pick. This minor leaguer may get knocked around a bit in the Bigs, but he's the only player in the draft who would actually give $30 million back to the franchise that signs him. Somewhere Billy Beane is salivating.
Why am I guessing Donald Fehr would never, ever let that happen? Oh, and does MLB allow player-owners (which I'm almost certain Brewster would have to be for this scheme to work)? I'd throw in jokes, but on matters financial I'm deadly serious.
No. 3: Dottie Hinson, A League of Their Own
Who better to build a team around than a catcher who can call a great game, handle prima donna pitchers and flat out mash? Don't think she's tough enough? Name one major league catcher today who would have the guts to slide into second base to break up a double play while wearing a skirt.
Does Oscar De La Hoya count as a catcher? Sorry, that was a low blow. I would have used John Maine, which at least is sort of close to baseball catcher, but that story got discredited. I also wish they'd just said "major league player" instead of "major league catcher" so that I could have claimed Eckstein and Erstad are so gritty that obviously they'd do it. You know, because they just want to play. Or something. I dunno, that was kinda forced. Way to not set me up, Extra Mustard. Let's just move on.
No. 2: Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh, Bull Durham
Once described as "a million dollar arm with a 10 cent head," scouts agree
Wait, wait, I've got it! I've got the perfect response to the whole skirt/catcher thing. I mean, I'm a total asshole for even thinking of it, but whatever, it's the correct joke response, even if it's the cheapest of cheap shots. Extra Mustard, care to set me up again?
Name one major league catcher today who would have the guts to slide into second base to break up a double play while wearing a skirt.
Maybe...Mike Piazza?
No. 2: Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh, Bull Durham
Once described as "a million dollar arm with a 10 cent head," scouts agree the tutelage he received from journeyman Crash Davis during his stay in Single A ball has helped turn this former wild flamethrower into a top-flight pitcher.
Sure, why the hell not? I'm still basking in the sleazy glow of the Piazza thing.
No. 1: Jack Elliott, Mr. Baseball
Sure, he's a bit on the old side, but he'll show how much he appreciates playing major league baseball again here in the states by hustling harder than he ever has before just to avoid going back to play for the Nagoya Dragons. He will also be a huge draw with the ladies thanks to the best baseball mustache since Gorman Thomas.
Great, the number one pick is some Japan League exile who hustles a lot. I see it all now - this baseball draft of fictional characters is based on bullshit intangibles, isn't it? Where's the sabermetrics, Extra Mustard? Where's the sabermetrics?!
Seriously, here's who should have been on the list once you consider VORP and mLVR and so forth. I'll even do it from 1 to 10, you know, like a fucking draft. Oh, and since I'm making my own rules, you get these guys in their primes, whether that's what you see in the movie or not.
1. Steve Nebraska, The Scout: "...a young American with a perfectly consistent 100 mph fastball and who hits home runs on seemingly each at bat" (Wikipedia). For goodness sake, the dude threw an 81-pitch perfect game. There are schoolyard baseball fantasies with more realism than that.
2. Alejandro "Butch" Heddo, Rookie of the Year: Henry Rowengartner's nemesis got his job the old-fashioned way...by injecting truly heroic amounts of steroids.
3. Ty Cobb, Cobb: You might think that the character Tommy Lee Jones plays shouldn't count because Ty Cobb was real. That's only partially correct - the real Ty Cobb was a thousand times more vile. Since the movie Cobb doesn't randomly stab any bellhops, he can't be considered a true adaptation of the historical Cobb.
4. Benjamin Franklin "Benny the Jet" Rodriguez, The Sandlot: Grew up to be the spitting image of Rafael Palmeiro, which mostly is a good thing. Mostly.
5. Stan Ross, Mr. 3000: Not sure about his slugging, but he must have put up some pretty solid 8.0 WARPs for a long time to reach 3000.
6. Mighty Casey, Casey at the Bat: No idea how they made a 60 minute silent film out of the poem, but Casey's patience at the plate equals high OBP. Don't be deceived by his supposed lack of clutch.
7. Henry "Author" Wiggen, Bang the Drum Slowly: Basically Tom Seaver.
8. Billy Chapel, For Love of the Game: Easily the most talented Kevin Costner baseball character, I think he's supposed to be Tom Glavine or something.
9. "Esquire" Joe Callaway, The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings: So good that he apparently broke the color barrier ten years early. Loses points for being liked by Scoop Jackson. Or because I'm a racist. Take your pick.
10. Kelly Leak, The Bad News Bears: I know he's young, but think of him as the Christian Laettner of the draft. And yes, I know I'm not putting together a baseball team, I'm doing a draft. Why should I have to play by my own rules?
Ah, hypocrisy. Sweet, sweet hypocrisy.
SI's unbelievably bizarrely named Extra Mustard has a photo gallery where they go about "Drafting Baseball Movie Characters". Here's the premise:
We've all seen some great players up on the big screen in movies -- both great, and absolutely horrendous -- about baseball. If a draft of baseball players from movies was ever held, this is what the 10 picks might look like.
One problem I think I should immediately raise is that they count it down from 10 to 1, so it isn't really a mock draft so much as a Top 10 list. Sounds like somebody didn't want to give David Letterman his due. Seriously, why claim it's a draft if you're not even going to bother going in the right order? Man, I'm already rankled. Rankled I say!
[By the way, if you find it singularly wrongheaded of me that this is the closest I've come to a baseball post lately...well, you're right.]
No. 10: Roy Hobbs, The Natural
Sure, he's arguably the best hitter anyone has ever seen, but his shocking numbers and ability to literally rip the cover off the ball at his advanced age raises red flags about the possible usage of performance-enhancing drugs. A potential Senate committee hearing, as well as his frequent destruction of stadium lights, may make Hobbs more trouble than he's worth.
Extra Mustard, you son of a bitch. How dare you suggest Roy Hobbs is a juicer. Why, Roy Hobbs is grit and hustle raised to their Platonic motherhumping ideals (read: Robert Redford is incredibly white). And hell, didn't you see the movie? The only performance-enhancer Roy Hobbs was on was *WHOOSH* MAGIC. And the day they figure out how to test for magic is the day Neifi Perez gets busted for stimulants (aw, shit).
Also, since I'm taking the logic of this stupid list absurdly seriously, I need to point out the crack about his age suggests you're getting Hobbs after the end of the film, or at least after most of the film's events have elapsed. This is relevant for later.
No. 9: Ed, Ed
The only thing less plausible than a chimp playing Minor League Baseball is Matt LeBlanc having the ability to throw 125 miles per hour. Although "Ed" was one of the worst films ever made -- but arguably not the worst movie ever made by a star of "Friends" -- putting a chimp on the field is a guaranteed way for a struggling franchise to put people in the seats.
Wouldn't the better pick from this movie be, you know, the dude with the 125 mph fastball? I mean, beyond the whole being human thing, his pitch is at least twenty miles per hour faster than even the wildest claims in fastball history. Also, the ninth pick - the "take this chimp before Roy Hobbs" pick, if you will - is admittedly just a publicity stunt. Pretty sure you don't need to draft a publicity stunt, dude; thing about them is, generally speaking, they'll do pretty much anything if you give them attention. Or, in this case, delicious bananas.
No. 8: Bobby Rayburn, The Fan
A change of scenery should do wonders for this former three-time MVP who looks an awful lot like a mustachioed, pre-juiced Barry Bonds. He may have had a poor year with the Giants recently, but you wouldn't play all that well either if you couldn't get your lucky number and had Robert DeNiro stalking you.
Wait, so Roy Hobbs is a PED risk, but a blatant Barry Bonds impersonation isn't? Extra Mustard, sometimes I wonder about your list credentials.
No. 7: Henry Rowengartner, Rookie of the Year<
Get past the child labor laws and you have a 12-year-old who had the best "Tommy John Surgery" of all-time and can now throw 103 mph.
First of all, putting Tommy John Surgery in quotes like that is lame. Two major reasons:
1. It wasn't Tommy John surgery. It wasn't anything like Tommy John surgery. Tommy John surgery, sometimes known as ulnar collateral ligament reconstruction, is where the tendon in the elbow is replaced with a tendon from somewhere else in the body. Everybody knows Rowengartner (or Rulenfurter, as crusty manager Sal Martinella dubbed him) got that way because his tendons healed a little tight. So yeah, you can't turn that into Tommy John surgery by putting it in quotes.
2. "Surgery" shouldn't be capitalized there, and I'm sure it's only the quotes that made them feel justified doing it. Unnecessary capitalization makes me sick.
My other big problem is that the Roy Hobbs thing seemed to establish that you're drafting the character after the events of the movie. Which, for those of us familiar with the plot of Rookie of the Year (and honestly, who isn't?), means you're getting Henry Rowengartner after his fastball had totally disappeared and he had to get by on such classics as the hidden ball trick and the eephus pitch. So yeah...if you want a twelve-year-old Jamie Moyer, be my guest.
(Not that Jamie Moyer isn't awesome in his way, of course, but come on, Extra Mustard, you have to play by your random, arbitrary rules for your weird bullshit list thingy. Otherwise there'd be anarchy, I tell you!)
No. 6: Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Major League
Despite the current trend of hard-throwing closers around the league, a history of run-ins with the law and a tragically dated haircut prevents Ricky from being taken any higher than sixth.
A closer? At number six overall? If I gave a shit about fantasy baseball, I imagine now is when I would derisively invite Extra Mustard to join my keeper league. Or something. (This same argument applies to Rowengartner as well, come to think of it.)
Also, in re the whole "dated hair" thing, I have to admit that no one with a bad haircut could ever dominate in baseball these days. Right Randy?
Ya darn tootin'.
(And yes, I'm seriously deconstructing a joke piece of analysis in a joke article. I'm completely aware of that. I'd feel worse about it if this article was actually, you know, good.)
No. 5: Amanda Wurlitzer, Bad News Bears
Any team would love to throw Amanda out on the hill once every five days. She's got an arsenal of pitches comparable to Dice-K, and mental toughness that comes from being the only girl in an all-boys league. The only drawback of this innings eater is fear of overuse by her first coach, Morris Buttermaker, who clearly didn't believe in pitch counts.
It's W-H-urlitzer, you misspelling putz (and yes, I misspelled "misspelling" the first time around). Problems with the analysis here...
1. A Little League pitcher that even this article concedes is an innings eater is ahead of Roy Hobbs and the unholy fusion of Barry Bonds and Wesley Snipes.
2. Part of the case for is based on "mental toughness." That's cognitive grittiness, that is, and I'm not going to stand for it! Pshaw!
3. Kelly Leak was clearly the best player on that team. I'd say more, but then I'd risk revealing I'm secretly Bill Simmons. Or at least his dark reflection.
4. Take a look at the accompanying photo:
That's not Tatum O'Neal. That's Sammi Kane from the Billy Bob version. Extra Mustard, once again, you are one sick son of a bitch. If you're going to do this inane list, at least have the common decency to quote the classics. And, by classics, I mean "had Walter Matthau and an adorable bigot."
No. 4: Montgomery Brewster, Brewster's Millions
For a team strapped for cash, this would be the ultimate "Moneyball" pick. This minor leaguer may get knocked around a bit in the Bigs, but he's the only player in the draft who would actually give $30 million back to the franchise that signs him. Somewhere Billy Beane is salivating.
Why am I guessing Donald Fehr would never, ever let that happen? Oh, and does MLB allow player-owners (which I'm almost certain Brewster would have to be for this scheme to work)? I'd throw in jokes, but on matters financial I'm deadly serious.
No. 3: Dottie Hinson, A League of Their Own
Who better to build a team around than a catcher who can call a great game, handle prima donna pitchers and flat out mash? Don't think she's tough enough? Name one major league catcher today who would have the guts to slide into second base to break up a double play while wearing a skirt.
Does Oscar De La Hoya count as a catcher? Sorry, that was a low blow. I would have used John Maine, which at least is sort of close to baseball catcher, but that story got discredited. I also wish they'd just said "major league player" instead of "major league catcher" so that I could have claimed Eckstein and Erstad are so gritty that obviously they'd do it. You know, because they just want to play. Or something. I dunno, that was kinda forced. Way to not set me up, Extra Mustard. Let's just move on.
No. 2: Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh, Bull Durham
Once described as "a million dollar arm with a 10 cent head," scouts agree
Wait, wait, I've got it! I've got the perfect response to the whole skirt/catcher thing. I mean, I'm a total asshole for even thinking of it, but whatever, it's the correct joke response, even if it's the cheapest of cheap shots. Extra Mustard, care to set me up again?
Name one major league catcher today who would have the guts to slide into second base to break up a double play while wearing a skirt.
Maybe...Mike Piazza?
No. 2: Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh, Bull Durham
Once described as "a million dollar arm with a 10 cent head," scouts agree the tutelage he received from journeyman Crash Davis during his stay in Single A ball has helped turn this former wild flamethrower into a top-flight pitcher.
Sure, why the hell not? I'm still basking in the sleazy glow of the Piazza thing.
No. 1: Jack Elliott, Mr. Baseball
Sure, he's a bit on the old side, but he'll show how much he appreciates playing major league baseball again here in the states by hustling harder than he ever has before just to avoid going back to play for the Nagoya Dragons. He will also be a huge draw with the ladies thanks to the best baseball mustache since Gorman Thomas.
Great, the number one pick is some Japan League exile who hustles a lot. I see it all now - this baseball draft of fictional characters is based on bullshit intangibles, isn't it? Where's the sabermetrics, Extra Mustard? Where's the sabermetrics?!
Seriously, here's who should have been on the list once you consider VORP and mLVR and so forth. I'll even do it from 1 to 10, you know, like a fucking draft. Oh, and since I'm making my own rules, you get these guys in their primes, whether that's what you see in the movie or not.
1. Steve Nebraska, The Scout: "...a young American with a perfectly consistent 100 mph fastball and who hits home runs on seemingly each at bat" (Wikipedia). For goodness sake, the dude threw an 81-pitch perfect game. There are schoolyard baseball fantasies with more realism than that.
2. Alejandro "Butch" Heddo, Rookie of the Year: Henry Rowengartner's nemesis got his job the old-fashioned way...by injecting truly heroic amounts of steroids.
3. Ty Cobb, Cobb: You might think that the character Tommy Lee Jones plays shouldn't count because Ty Cobb was real. That's only partially correct - the real Ty Cobb was a thousand times more vile. Since the movie Cobb doesn't randomly stab any bellhops, he can't be considered a true adaptation of the historical Cobb.
4. Benjamin Franklin "Benny the Jet" Rodriguez, The Sandlot: Grew up to be the spitting image of Rafael Palmeiro, which mostly is a good thing. Mostly.
5. Stan Ross, Mr. 3000: Not sure about his slugging, but he must have put up some pretty solid 8.0 WARPs for a long time to reach 3000.
6. Mighty Casey, Casey at the Bat: No idea how they made a 60 minute silent film out of the poem, but Casey's patience at the plate equals high OBP. Don't be deceived by his supposed lack of clutch.
7. Henry "Author" Wiggen, Bang the Drum Slowly: Basically Tom Seaver.
8. Billy Chapel, For Love of the Game: Easily the most talented Kevin Costner baseball character, I think he's supposed to be Tom Glavine or something.
9. "Esquire" Joe Callaway, The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings: So good that he apparently broke the color barrier ten years early. Loses points for being liked by Scoop Jackson. Or because I'm a racist. Take your pick.
10. Kelly Leak, The Bad News Bears: I know he's young, but think of him as the Christian Laettner of the draft. And yes, I know I'm not putting together a baseball team, I'm doing a draft. Why should I have to play by my own rules?
Ah, hypocrisy. Sweet, sweet hypocrisy.
Monday, April 7, 2008
This Post Has Almost Nothing To Do With Bad Sports Journalism
Dan LeBatard the columnist is terrible. He is terrible in the newspaper and he is terrible on television. His radio show is, for a number of reasons, fucking brilliant. He mentioned this picture on the air:
I could not leave this off the blog in good conscience, even if it WAS on Deadspin two years ago.
I could not leave this off the blog in good conscience, even if it WAS on Deadspin two years ago.
Woody Paige...honestly, what is there left to say at this point (beyond everything I'm about to say in this post)?
As linked by Deadspin weekend daddy Matt Sussman (more on him in an upcoming post), Woody Paige is back with his inimitable brand of bizarre, impenetrable quasi-prose. The latest topic? The Denver Nuggets.
No Artest, no Miller, no place to go and no way to get there for Sacramento.
I read this three times before understanding everything that was being said. This might be acceptable if the author was James Joyce. But since Woody Paige is not, to the best of my knowledge, a drunken, half-insane Irishman rocking a killer eyepatch, I'm afraid that excuse just isn't going to fly.
Hakuna matata.
Apparently, it's 1994 and no one told me. My god, think of all the things I can do, all the people I can now save! Like, um...I imagine I can stop that asteroid from destroying the Moon, as seen in the documentary Thundarr the Barbarian, or maybe even keep Godzilla from falling into that black hole like in the vintage newsreel series Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla. Or at least I think that's the stuff that happened in 1994.
It means "no worries" for the Nuggets.
It actually means "no worries" for everyone. Well, it actually means something closer to "no problem". Or, if you're being cynical, it means "give Disney your money, your precious, sweet money."
Worry.
That's an entire paragraph. I think that's meant to be the imperative ordering us to worry, but I much prefer the idea that Woody just thought of the abstract concept of worrying and felt like giving it a shout-out.
Kings beat Jokers Saturday night.
Would it be so hard to include a "the" or two in there? Or would the definite article just completely destroy the faux-rhyme scheme?
George Karl should have stolen his postgame speech from a former Indianapolis Colts coach: "Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs. I'm just hoping we can win a game, another game."
There is actually something absurdly appealing about George Karl repeating by rote one of the most infamously off-the-cuff speeches in history, especially if he did it in a Kaufman-esque monotone. Look, I know I'm a little on the insane side, but if that's the first thing that comes to mind, I think that might hint at how weird Woody's idea is.
Instead, Karl said: "It was going to be one of those games where we tried to outscore them, and we didn't score enough. . . . This is not the time to point the blame on anyone."
I will. Blame all of them, including Karl and especially J.R. Smith.
Far be it for me to dispute the convention wisdom that it'd be a good idea to fire George Karl, but that's a pretty reasonable quote right there. Honestly, what kind of coach throws all his players under the bus and heaps blame, deserved or not? Not a good one, I'm pretty sure, although maybe Stan Van Gundy.
Playoffs?
Of the Nuggets' eight losses at home, this was the most dreadful and distressing — and unforgivable.
Stop right there and think for a second. Eight home losses? Dude, they're 31-8 at home. Admittedly, their 15-23 away mark is absolutely nothing to get excited about, but we're talking 46-31 overall. It bears pointing out again that they'd be the fourth seed in the east. Now, I'm not saying we should radically rewrite all the playoff rules or whatever just because of a crazy freak year where as many as nine teams in the west might win 50 games, but come on. This is not even a mediocre Nuggets team we're talking about by any absolute standard. This team is only mediocre relative to the ridiculously tough conference it plays in. Let's just keep that in mind before giving them too much shit.
With time and the Nuggets' chances of winning running out, Sacramento's Mikki Moore flopped.
It was not the worst flop of the game.
Honestly, why the fuck did that need two paragraphs? That barely needs two sentences. But wait...it gets worse!
The Nuggets didn't play because of brain drain.
No show.
That's barely two ideas, let alone sentences, let alone paragraphs. I'm not even sure there's a single discernible iota of meaning to be gleaned from that. And no, providing context wouldn't make it much clearer; it would just take longer to read.
Don't blame this one on the suspension of Kenyon Martin or the officials or the moon or the Rockies' game or the NCAA Final Four.
The hackiness of that is just astounding. I'm just going to single out my favorite part, which has to be that Woody calls it "the NCAA Final Four." As though we wouldn't know which Final Four he was talking about unless he gave it the NCAA label. Which, if you're being pedantic, actually applies to both Final Fours that conceivably could refer to.
They didn't act interested. The Nuggets turned an uninspired 11-point lead in the first quarter into a five-point deficit in the second quarter.
By now, the Kings, missing a couple of kings, became fascinated, and it helped them when the Nuggets went into their "What? Me Play D" mode.
The Kings...became fascinated? Really? Did Mikki Moore put on his half-moon spectacles and, peering above his tome of astronomical data, say to Beni Udrih, "I say, old bean, do you see how those prospector-themed blaggards seem to be coming over all sluggish? Simply an astounding turn of eventualities that requires, nay demands, further inquiry." And then I imagine Beni got out his slide rule and scientifically measured just how dated Woody's Mad fucking Magazine reference was. The result? Pretty fucking dated.
The Nuggets also were busy watching the scoreboard — not for their own score, but for what was happening to North Carolina in the second game of the NCAA semifinals.
I have nothing to say other than this: I'm going to need at least a scrap of evidence to actually support that baseless allegation. Because that sounds completely ridiculous from where I'm standing. Absolutely and utterly ridiculous.
Then there's some stuff about how J.R. Smith sucks and Carmelo Anthony is awesome. But did Anthony get the ball at the end of the game? Well come on, Woody, I've set you up so obligingly...
So, does he get the ball for the tying shot? He couldn't take over at the end. Nobody gave him the ball.
Smith was busy hurling, if you get my drift.
No, Woody, I don't at all get your drift vis-a-vis Smith's "hurling." Was he...
1. Chucking the ball at the basket?
2. Playing a reasonably violent Irish sport?
3. Releasing a barrage of insults?
4. Vomiting, as described by a twelve-year-old?
I'm going to go with all except for 1. Because an unholy combination of 2-4 seems just crazy enough for Woody's mind.
If the Nuggets don't make the playoffs, this game will be why.
Hakuna blah.
Actually, that might be how a twelve-year-old describes vomiting. At least, that's how they should describe it.
I think that's as good a note to end on as any.
No Artest, no Miller, no place to go and no way to get there for Sacramento.
I read this three times before understanding everything that was being said. This might be acceptable if the author was James Joyce. But since Woody Paige is not, to the best of my knowledge, a drunken, half-insane Irishman rocking a killer eyepatch, I'm afraid that excuse just isn't going to fly.
Hakuna matata.
Apparently, it's 1994 and no one told me. My god, think of all the things I can do, all the people I can now save! Like, um...I imagine I can stop that asteroid from destroying the Moon, as seen in the documentary Thundarr the Barbarian, or maybe even keep Godzilla from falling into that black hole like in the vintage newsreel series Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla. Or at least I think that's the stuff that happened in 1994.
It means "no worries" for the Nuggets.
It actually means "no worries" for everyone. Well, it actually means something closer to "no problem". Or, if you're being cynical, it means "give Disney your money, your precious, sweet money."
Worry.
That's an entire paragraph. I think that's meant to be the imperative ordering us to worry, but I much prefer the idea that Woody just thought of the abstract concept of worrying and felt like giving it a shout-out.
Kings beat Jokers Saturday night.
Would it be so hard to include a "the" or two in there? Or would the definite article just completely destroy the faux-rhyme scheme?
George Karl should have stolen his postgame speech from a former Indianapolis Colts coach: "Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs. I'm just hoping we can win a game, another game."
There is actually something absurdly appealing about George Karl repeating by rote one of the most infamously off-the-cuff speeches in history, especially if he did it in a Kaufman-esque monotone. Look, I know I'm a little on the insane side, but if that's the first thing that comes to mind, I think that might hint at how weird Woody's idea is.
Instead, Karl said: "It was going to be one of those games where we tried to outscore them, and we didn't score enough. . . . This is not the time to point the blame on anyone."
I will. Blame all of them, including Karl and especially J.R. Smith.
Far be it for me to dispute the convention wisdom that it'd be a good idea to fire George Karl, but that's a pretty reasonable quote right there. Honestly, what kind of coach throws all his players under the bus and heaps blame, deserved or not? Not a good one, I'm pretty sure, although maybe Stan Van Gundy.
Playoffs?
Of the Nuggets' eight losses at home, this was the most dreadful and distressing — and unforgivable.
Stop right there and think for a second. Eight home losses? Dude, they're 31-8 at home. Admittedly, their 15-23 away mark is absolutely nothing to get excited about, but we're talking 46-31 overall. It bears pointing out again that they'd be the fourth seed in the east. Now, I'm not saying we should radically rewrite all the playoff rules or whatever just because of a crazy freak year where as many as nine teams in the west might win 50 games, but come on. This is not even a mediocre Nuggets team we're talking about by any absolute standard. This team is only mediocre relative to the ridiculously tough conference it plays in. Let's just keep that in mind before giving them too much shit.
With time and the Nuggets' chances of winning running out, Sacramento's Mikki Moore flopped.
It was not the worst flop of the game.
Honestly, why the fuck did that need two paragraphs? That barely needs two sentences. But wait...it gets worse!
The Nuggets didn't play because of brain drain.
No show.
That's barely two ideas, let alone sentences, let alone paragraphs. I'm not even sure there's a single discernible iota of meaning to be gleaned from that. And no, providing context wouldn't make it much clearer; it would just take longer to read.
Don't blame this one on the suspension of Kenyon Martin or the officials or the moon or the Rockies' game or the NCAA Final Four.
The hackiness of that is just astounding. I'm just going to single out my favorite part, which has to be that Woody calls it "the NCAA Final Four." As though we wouldn't know which Final Four he was talking about unless he gave it the NCAA label. Which, if you're being pedantic, actually applies to both Final Fours that conceivably could refer to.
They didn't act interested. The Nuggets turned an uninspired 11-point lead in the first quarter into a five-point deficit in the second quarter.
By now, the Kings, missing a couple of kings, became fascinated, and it helped them when the Nuggets went into their "What? Me Play D" mode.
The Kings...became fascinated? Really? Did Mikki Moore put on his half-moon spectacles and, peering above his tome of astronomical data, say to Beni Udrih, "I say, old bean, do you see how those prospector-themed blaggards seem to be coming over all sluggish? Simply an astounding turn of eventualities that requires, nay demands, further inquiry." And then I imagine Beni got out his slide rule and scientifically measured just how dated Woody's Mad fucking Magazine reference was. The result? Pretty fucking dated.
The Nuggets also were busy watching the scoreboard — not for their own score, but for what was happening to North Carolina in the second game of the NCAA semifinals.
I have nothing to say other than this: I'm going to need at least a scrap of evidence to actually support that baseless allegation. Because that sounds completely ridiculous from where I'm standing. Absolutely and utterly ridiculous.
Then there's some stuff about how J.R. Smith sucks and Carmelo Anthony is awesome. But did Anthony get the ball at the end of the game? Well come on, Woody, I've set you up so obligingly...
So, does he get the ball for the tying shot? He couldn't take over at the end. Nobody gave him the ball.
Smith was busy hurling, if you get my drift.
No, Woody, I don't at all get your drift vis-a-vis Smith's "hurling." Was he...
1. Chucking the ball at the basket?
2. Playing a reasonably violent Irish sport?
3. Releasing a barrage of insults?
4. Vomiting, as described by a twelve-year-old?
I'm going to go with all except for 1. Because an unholy combination of 2-4 seems just crazy enough for Woody's mind.
If the Nuggets don't make the playoffs, this game will be why.
Hakuna blah.
Actually, that might be how a twelve-year-old describes vomiting. At least, that's how they should describe it.
I think that's as good a note to end on as any.
I'm going to shoot myself in the mind.
MMQb time! Let's just skip right to the thinkathinkathinkathinks, non-football division:
d. Tuesday's Sox home opener, Detroit-Boston, looked like a gem a couple of weeks ago. They're a combined 3-10 now. Gotta love the weirdness of baseball.
e. David Ortiz is hitting .115. Here's my quite unwanted advice: Poke three singles to left against those asinine shifts. The only way you can get a hit to the right side is by hitting it over the fence, Papi.
f. Gabe Kapler has two home runs. David Ortiz. Alex Rodriguez, Jason Bay, Bobby Abreu, Adam Dunn and Prince Fielder, combined, have two home runs.
e. How about Rick (six games, three homers, six RBI) Ankiel?
f. The San Francisco Giants might lose 115 games.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
That ends in "ck" somewhere off screen. Anyway, it has been, for most teams, 6 games. There are exactly zero conclusions to be drawn at this point. I know, it's been fun and wacky, or whatever, to watch the Tigers play like the old Tigers. But the season is 1/27th over (I think; it's really late and I just tried that in my head). What exactly will it mean if, 4 minutes into the 3rd quarter of the Cowboys' first game next year, Tony Romo is 7-for-15? My guess is it rhymes with "blabsolutely fucking nothing, because it's so goddamn blurly in the season my brain hurts just thinking about it". Blurrrrrrrrrrgh.
And MY GOD do you not think it's ever occurred to FUCKING ANYONE IN THE ENTIRE RED SOX ORGANIZATION that Papi should, if able, "poke three singles to left"????????And PLEASE allow me to bet against you on the Giants thing.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
52 52 52 Week #7: Virginia
In which I examine crappy local sports journalism on a state-by-state basis, progressing through the states in terms of an alphabetical ordering of the heights of their tallest points. Because I can.
First of all, major props to Passive Voice for his excellent work this week; it really allowed me to rationalize not posting, which was nice. Also the posts were awesome. Seriously, go read them, though preferably after you've read this one.
Now, I've been more than a bit quiet on the posting front lately, and for that I apologize. I'll try to get back into more of a groove next week, but honestly, who knows? As much as anything else, I just haven't found too many terrible articles lately. A lot of "meh" nonsense, but not as much truly awful shit. Besides, it's hard to truly hate sports after seeing something this beautiful:
Man, I love life. But if there's one thing I love even more than life (and all its life-related accessories, such as fish), it's making fun of obscure local journalists and dispensing random factoids about the state highpoints. This week? Virginia and its beautiful Mount Rogers, which soars majestically to 5,729 feet. Here's what you need to know about Mount Rogers:
1. Mount Rogers is apparently the only place in Virginia that still shows signs of ancient glaciation. So I'm guessing if you're looking to save money on a refrigerator in Virginia, leaving all your soda atop Mount Rogers is an option. That's how cold works, right?
2. According to Wikipedia, "It is more widely accepted that the conifer decline on and around Mount Rogers is the effect of Acid-rain and parasites." I guess that's one way to dismiss my supposedly radical "Virginia Governor Tim Kaine is eating all the conifers!" theory. I'm the last angry man, dammit, and I'm going to keep on telling the truth until they shut me up. Huh, there's a knock at the door...the fist sounded burly. Maybe shouldn't answer that...
3. It's located in Grayson County. Hmm...Grayson. What does that make me think of?
Look, if you already know which acclaimed Batman-related fake trailer I'm about to embed, congratulations, you've forged a special unspoken bond with me. (And if you happen to be Playmate and supposed computer nerd Raquel Gibson, let's grab lunch sometime.)
With all that embedded craziness (and, to a more linked extent, hotness) out of the way, let's talk this week's article, which is by Bob Molinaro of The Virginian-Pilot. On some level, I wish it actually lived up to its name and was for airplane pilots of a Virginian persuasion, but sadly it's just the paper of record for most of Virginia. The newspaper apparently did some Pulitzer-winning work on desegregation back in the day, which was quite likely courageous. Good for them.
But...writing a piece about Brett Favre? In April? That takes a whole different kind of courage. The courage...to be shitty.
Something about Favre says he's not coming back
Maybe the fact that he, you know, retired? I mean, he cried about it and everything. Still, I'll humor this, because what else do I have to do? (Hint: Nothing.)
Wondering: If Brett Favre actually has interest in coming back for another season, it's fair to assume he'd only sign with a playoff contender. But don't bona fide contenders already have good quarterbacks? Isn't that what makes them contenders?
Mandatory mentions of Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson to refute that, double mention of Rex Grossman, brief survey of shitty quarterbacks on playoff teams this year, random reference to British science fiction, and...we're golden.
Sorry, that point was so easy to refute I figured I'd just outline how I'd go about doing it. What, you want the real thing? Fine...
In his one year with Baltimore, Trent Dilfer threw 1502 yards with a 58.9% completion percentage, had a split of 12 touchdowns and 11 interceptions, and sported a 76.6 QB rating (disclaimer: I don't like the QB rating for a number of reasons, but it's roughly useful). Maybe not the most terrible stats ever, but that's strictly average quarterbacking. Brad Johnson was much, much better, but again, he wasn't the real reason why Tampa Bay won the Super Bowl. And Rex Grossman? For fuck's sake, we're talking 20 interceptions. Dear lord...
Fucking Rex Grossman. Seriously.
The point, of course, is that it's been repeatedly shown that a staunch defense can carry a lackluster, even outright shitty, quarterback to the Super Bowl. And hell, the defense doesn't even need to be that good if all you want to be is a playoff contender. Just ask Vince Young, Philip Rivers, and, yes, even Eli "Made His Entire Career on One Drive" Manning.
And now, for no reason other than I promised I'd reference British sci-fi, my favorite opening credits of all time:
God, you can just taste the groovy.
Add Brett Not to belabor the point, but didn't Favre just retire from a playoff team?
Yes, yes he did. Brett Favre is sort of an ass that way. Of course, it's really just been his agent looking into other teams, but still, I think the thesis is that Favre wants to play for a team with more weapons around him. You know, a team that would be a contender without him. Whether or not the Packers fit that bill is now up to Aaron Rodgers, commonly known in Wisconsin by his nickname, "Who the fuck is Aaron Rodgers?" Well, probably, "Who the frick is Aaron Rodgers?" I'm not sure Wisconsin has discovered actual profanity yet. But the intent is there.
Quick hit The NFL's proposed ban against long hair gives new meaning to the term "split end."
For this joke to work, I think Troy Polamalu would have to have shitty hair with lots of split ends. Clearly, that isn't the case:
Also, that joke has several equivalents involving the term "tight end." Needless to say, they're all porn-related.
Prudes Judging from the reaction - and overreaction - to pictures on the Internet of Matt Leinart frolicking in a hot tub and joining in drinking games with young women, Joe Namath couldn't play in today's NFL.
Wait, did I miss the part where Matt Leinart got cut by the Arizona Cardinals and had to go play with the Tulsa Talons of af2 (so fucking minor it can't even afford to capitalize its initials)? Dude, a couple idiots wrote editorials and the whole thing went away. Joe Namath would probably not be quite as unquestioningly idolized as I assume he was back in his heyday, but I'm sure the man would have no trouble keeping a job in the modern NFL.
Hue's your daddy? The Final Four men's teams all feature a shade of the same school color. If your bracket didn't include North Carolina, Kansas, UCLA and Memphis in San Antonio, you blue it.
Love the wordplay, of course. I mean, it's one thing to do the whole "hue" thing at the start, but then to end with "blue"? That's a chiasmus of color puns, that's what that is. And I fucking love it.
You know what the really sad part about that observation is? That's probably how a few idiots chose their brackets. Well, that and the "They're all number 1s thing!" But I'm sure some idiots said, "Blue's my favorite color, so it must be a sign!" And they beat all the so-called "experts" in the office pool. Actually, I'm OK with that last part. The "experts" are kinda jerks themselves.
Alienating everybody, yes sir. I wasn't kidding around when I named this blog.
Next step It's impossible not to be impressed with Tennessee's Candace Parker. She's got it all - height, ability, looks, grace. From a basketball standpoint, all she's lacking is a fitting stage for her talents after college. The WNBA? Puh-leeze.
I'm at a loss as to what his point is. I mean, sure, the WNBA sucks. But so what? It's the best out there for female basketball players, and that's partially reflected by the simple fact that female players are, on average, inferior to their male counterparts. And until the day we achieve the level of athletic quality seen in that mixed-gender football game in Starship Troopers, I'm not sure what else there is to say regarding Candace Parker's future. Well, I do have one idea, but it's way too East German for my tastes.
Spin City So Barack Obama bowled a 37 while making a campaign stop in Pennsylvania. That's very embarrassing. Even so, his score was higher than President Bush's approval rating.
Although the 37 was out of 300 possible points, while Bush's 28% rating is out of 100 sorta by definition. So Barack really scored a 12.3% on a transformed scale, I think. Wait...what the hell am I saying? Good point, Bob Molinaro, I think, assuming your point is that Barack Obama's bowling score isn't relevant beyond the simple fact that my goodness, he sure does suck at that there bowling.
[Editor's Note: We would be remiss if we didn't embed the following image to show that perhaps there is an inverse relationship between skill at bowling and integrity, though we recognize Obama may still, in fact be a creepy demagogue of Eli Sunday-esque proportions.]
Reality check This week's breathless reports that Indiana hire Tom Crean is taking over at one of the country's premier basketball factories was another example of the media not allowing the facts to get in the way of a good story. Outside parts of the Midwest right now, Indiana is barely relevant.
Weren't they 17-1 before the Kelvin Sampson shit hit the proverbial fans? And they were in the championship game a few years back. I mean, I imagine sanctions are going to hit them hard and all, but they're not exactly Michigan...yet.
Hoops du jour ESPN's relentless promotion of women's basketball gives the impression that it's more popular than it really is. In Greensboro, N.C., on Tuesday night, high-profile UConn and Rutgers played a regional final before an intimate gathering of 4,623.
Which kinda calls into question why you think anybody gives two shits about Candace Parker's future. Doesn't really sound like she has the proper showcase now, let alone at the next level. I'm just saying is all.
Good stuff I was watching TV late Thursday night when David Beckham scored a goal, then executed a cheeky little pass to Landon Donovan for another score. You know I'm talking about soccer, right?
Yes, because those are two of the most famous soccer players in the world, especially David Beckham, who despite his utter failure to bring soccer to the US is still a pretty legitimate celebrity. That joke only works if you reference, I dunno, Peter Vagenas and Michael Gavin. Or something.
Help defense The NFL eliminated the push-out rule on sideline pass plays - a bad move, if you ask me - to relieve officials of a judgment call. What exactly are the zebras out there for if not to make judgment calls?
*HERE COMES A CHEAP SHOT*
I believe they're there to provide Bill Simmons with rationalizations for subpar Patriots performances.
*THERE GOES THE CHEAP SHOT*
Ah, it's good to be back.
First of all, major props to Passive Voice for his excellent work this week; it really allowed me to rationalize not posting, which was nice. Also the posts were awesome. Seriously, go read them, though preferably after you've read this one.
Now, I've been more than a bit quiet on the posting front lately, and for that I apologize. I'll try to get back into more of a groove next week, but honestly, who knows? As much as anything else, I just haven't found too many terrible articles lately. A lot of "meh" nonsense, but not as much truly awful shit. Besides, it's hard to truly hate sports after seeing something this beautiful:
Man, I love life. But if there's one thing I love even more than life (and all its life-related accessories, such as fish), it's making fun of obscure local journalists and dispensing random factoids about the state highpoints. This week? Virginia and its beautiful Mount Rogers, which soars majestically to 5,729 feet. Here's what you need to know about Mount Rogers:
1. Mount Rogers is apparently the only place in Virginia that still shows signs of ancient glaciation. So I'm guessing if you're looking to save money on a refrigerator in Virginia, leaving all your soda atop Mount Rogers is an option. That's how cold works, right?
2. According to Wikipedia, "It is more widely accepted that the conifer decline on and around Mount Rogers is the effect of Acid-rain and parasites." I guess that's one way to dismiss my supposedly radical "Virginia Governor Tim Kaine is eating all the conifers!" theory. I'm the last angry man, dammit, and I'm going to keep on telling the truth until they shut me up. Huh, there's a knock at the door...the fist sounded burly. Maybe shouldn't answer that...
3. It's located in Grayson County. Hmm...Grayson. What does that make me think of?
Look, if you already know which acclaimed Batman-related fake trailer I'm about to embed, congratulations, you've forged a special unspoken bond with me. (And if you happen to be Playmate and supposed computer nerd Raquel Gibson, let's grab lunch sometime.)
With all that embedded craziness (and, to a more linked extent, hotness) out of the way, let's talk this week's article, which is by Bob Molinaro of The Virginian-Pilot. On some level, I wish it actually lived up to its name and was for airplane pilots of a Virginian persuasion, but sadly it's just the paper of record for most of Virginia. The newspaper apparently did some Pulitzer-winning work on desegregation back in the day, which was quite likely courageous. Good for them.
But...writing a piece about Brett Favre? In April? That takes a whole different kind of courage. The courage...to be shitty.
Something about Favre says he's not coming back
Maybe the fact that he, you know, retired? I mean, he cried about it and everything. Still, I'll humor this, because what else do I have to do? (Hint: Nothing.)
Wondering: If Brett Favre actually has interest in coming back for another season, it's fair to assume he'd only sign with a playoff contender. But don't bona fide contenders already have good quarterbacks? Isn't that what makes them contenders?
Mandatory mentions of Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson to refute that, double mention of Rex Grossman, brief survey of shitty quarterbacks on playoff teams this year, random reference to British science fiction, and...we're golden.
Sorry, that point was so easy to refute I figured I'd just outline how I'd go about doing it. What, you want the real thing? Fine...
In his one year with Baltimore, Trent Dilfer threw 1502 yards with a 58.9% completion percentage, had a split of 12 touchdowns and 11 interceptions, and sported a 76.6 QB rating (disclaimer: I don't like the QB rating for a number of reasons, but it's roughly useful). Maybe not the most terrible stats ever, but that's strictly average quarterbacking. Brad Johnson was much, much better, but again, he wasn't the real reason why Tampa Bay won the Super Bowl. And Rex Grossman? For fuck's sake, we're talking 20 interceptions. Dear lord...
Fucking Rex Grossman. Seriously.
The point, of course, is that it's been repeatedly shown that a staunch defense can carry a lackluster, even outright shitty, quarterback to the Super Bowl. And hell, the defense doesn't even need to be that good if all you want to be is a playoff contender. Just ask Vince Young, Philip Rivers, and, yes, even Eli "Made His Entire Career on One Drive" Manning.
And now, for no reason other than I promised I'd reference British sci-fi, my favorite opening credits of all time:
God, you can just taste the groovy.
Add Brett Not to belabor the point, but didn't Favre just retire from a playoff team?
Yes, yes he did. Brett Favre is sort of an ass that way. Of course, it's really just been his agent looking into other teams, but still, I think the thesis is that Favre wants to play for a team with more weapons around him. You know, a team that would be a contender without him. Whether or not the Packers fit that bill is now up to Aaron Rodgers, commonly known in Wisconsin by his nickname, "Who the fuck is Aaron Rodgers?" Well, probably, "Who the frick is Aaron Rodgers?" I'm not sure Wisconsin has discovered actual profanity yet. But the intent is there.
Quick hit The NFL's proposed ban against long hair gives new meaning to the term "split end."
For this joke to work, I think Troy Polamalu would have to have shitty hair with lots of split ends. Clearly, that isn't the case:
Also, that joke has several equivalents involving the term "tight end." Needless to say, they're all porn-related.
Prudes Judging from the reaction - and overreaction - to pictures on the Internet of Matt Leinart frolicking in a hot tub and joining in drinking games with young women, Joe Namath couldn't play in today's NFL.
Wait, did I miss the part where Matt Leinart got cut by the Arizona Cardinals and had to go play with the Tulsa Talons of af2 (so fucking minor it can't even afford to capitalize its initials)? Dude, a couple idiots wrote editorials and the whole thing went away. Joe Namath would probably not be quite as unquestioningly idolized as I assume he was back in his heyday, but I'm sure the man would have no trouble keeping a job in the modern NFL.
Hue's your daddy? The Final Four men's teams all feature a shade of the same school color. If your bracket didn't include North Carolina, Kansas, UCLA and Memphis in San Antonio, you blue it.
Love the wordplay, of course. I mean, it's one thing to do the whole "hue" thing at the start, but then to end with "blue"? That's a chiasmus of color puns, that's what that is. And I fucking love it.
You know what the really sad part about that observation is? That's probably how a few idiots chose their brackets. Well, that and the "They're all number 1s thing!" But I'm sure some idiots said, "Blue's my favorite color, so it must be a sign!" And they beat all the so-called "experts" in the office pool. Actually, I'm OK with that last part. The "experts" are kinda jerks themselves.
Alienating everybody, yes sir. I wasn't kidding around when I named this blog.
Next step It's impossible not to be impressed with Tennessee's Candace Parker. She's got it all - height, ability, looks, grace. From a basketball standpoint, all she's lacking is a fitting stage for her talents after college. The WNBA? Puh-leeze.
I'm at a loss as to what his point is. I mean, sure, the WNBA sucks. But so what? It's the best out there for female basketball players, and that's partially reflected by the simple fact that female players are, on average, inferior to their male counterparts. And until the day we achieve the level of athletic quality seen in that mixed-gender football game in Starship Troopers, I'm not sure what else there is to say regarding Candace Parker's future. Well, I do have one idea, but it's way too East German for my tastes.
Spin City So Barack Obama bowled a 37 while making a campaign stop in Pennsylvania. That's very embarrassing. Even so, his score was higher than President Bush's approval rating.
Although the 37 was out of 300 possible points, while Bush's 28% rating is out of 100 sorta by definition. So Barack really scored a 12.3% on a transformed scale, I think. Wait...what the hell am I saying? Good point, Bob Molinaro, I think, assuming your point is that Barack Obama's bowling score isn't relevant beyond the simple fact that my goodness, he sure does suck at that there bowling.
[Editor's Note: We would be remiss if we didn't embed the following image to show that perhaps there is an inverse relationship between skill at bowling and integrity, though we recognize Obama may still, in fact be a creepy demagogue of Eli Sunday-esque proportions.]
Reality check This week's breathless reports that Indiana hire Tom Crean is taking over at one of the country's premier basketball factories was another example of the media not allowing the facts to get in the way of a good story. Outside parts of the Midwest right now, Indiana is barely relevant.
Weren't they 17-1 before the Kelvin Sampson shit hit the proverbial fans? And they were in the championship game a few years back. I mean, I imagine sanctions are going to hit them hard and all, but they're not exactly Michigan...yet.
Hoops du jour ESPN's relentless promotion of women's basketball gives the impression that it's more popular than it really is. In Greensboro, N.C., on Tuesday night, high-profile UConn and Rutgers played a regional final before an intimate gathering of 4,623.
Which kinda calls into question why you think anybody gives two shits about Candace Parker's future. Doesn't really sound like she has the proper showcase now, let alone at the next level. I'm just saying is all.
Good stuff I was watching TV late Thursday night when David Beckham scored a goal, then executed a cheeky little pass to Landon Donovan for another score. You know I'm talking about soccer, right?
Yes, because those are two of the most famous soccer players in the world, especially David Beckham, who despite his utter failure to bring soccer to the US is still a pretty legitimate celebrity. That joke only works if you reference, I dunno, Peter Vagenas and Michael Gavin. Or something.
Help defense The NFL eliminated the push-out rule on sideline pass plays - a bad move, if you ask me - to relieve officials of a judgment call. What exactly are the zebras out there for if not to make judgment calls?
*HERE COMES A CHEAP SHOT*
I believe they're there to provide Bill Simmons with rationalizations for subpar Patriots performances.
*THERE GOES THE CHEAP SHOT*
Ah, it's good to be back.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Audit Jon Heyman
I think Jon Heyman and I have been in a communication-less marriage for 31 years, because every little thing he does pisses me off at this point.
The pitiable, primitive Reds simply could not fathom that their #2 pitching prospect (after fellow stud-to-be Homer Bailey) could pitch a good ballgame. But those wise old scouts just nodded slowly, sagely. It had been foretold in the scriptures, after all. They knew this day would come long before Johnny Cueto's mother had met Johnny Cueto's father.
I'm not here to say Ryan Zimmerman's not going to be awesome, but it's been 18 ABs. Why not "AJ Pierzynski's lack of not-being-an-asshole gave some teams pause. Pierzynski has already hit .529 this season for the White Sox". Because it's ridiculous? I thought so.
So [Johnny Cueto's] gem Thursday, where the only blemish was Justin Upton's solo home run in the sixth inning, almost seemed to come out of the blue for the Reds. Though, not to the scouts who've been following him.
The pitiable, primitive Reds simply could not fathom that their #2 pitching prospect (after fellow stud-to-be Homer Bailey) could pitch a good ballgame. But those wise old scouts just nodded slowly, sagely. It had been foretold in the scriptures, after all. They knew this day would come long before Johnny Cueto's mother had met Johnny Cueto's father.
Scout's take: Cueto
(At least once a week, I'll provide a scout's in-depth look at a player.)
"His arm action is as clean and loose as you can get. When you see this guy, you think he can be a guy who goes deep into a game or [can] be a closer. He has a better arm than Homer Bailey, who was a No. 1 pick. He's legit. He's where he should be. A lot of scouts will say he's a little on the small side. But that arm is big. He has an explosiveness to his fastball that's a treat to watch.''
(What emphasis? Who's asking?)
Translation: "Good mechanics, he seems like he can be good for both long and short periods of time, he's better than a good guy, he's good, ????, some say he's small but I say he's good, his fastball is good".
When shoved through a useful information filter: good mechanics, good endurance, fast fastball.
Useful information not included: what type of pitches he throws (other than an erection-inducing fastball) and which he's relatively good at, whether he has good control, whether he's a groundball/flyball/strikeout pitcher, nebulous-but-maybe-important stuff like competitiveness.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT HE'S ON PACE FOR 81 DINGERS!
• Ryan Zimmerman was considered a fabulous defensive third baseman when he was drafted out of the University of Virginia in 2005, but a lack of power (he hit just five home runs in his final season there) gave some teams pause. (But as one scout pointed out, Virginia plays in a "pasture.") Zimmerman has already hit two big home runs this season for the Nats.
I'm not here to say Ryan Zimmerman's not going to be awesome, but it's been 18 ABs. Why not "AJ Pierzynski's lack of not-being-an-asshole gave some teams pause. Pierzynski has already hit .529 this season for the White Sox". Because it's ridiculous? I thought so.
Brian Bannister may turn out to be a bigger loss to the Mets than Scott Kazmir.Great work, Jon. You've identified the other half of a 2-option situation. And you've stated your position in vague enough terms that you'll look clever if it goes down, but no one will remember if it doesn't. Let me be the first to say that you may be involved in a freak broken bat incident at a Phillies game in July.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Jon Heyman is a Lazy Bitch
A few days ago, I made a "joke" concerning this Jon Heyman article thing. I specifically thought this
was funny, for immature reasons. [I actually didn't notice until now that it says "harder" rather than "hard". Neither here nor there.]
Anywho, imagine my surprise when I refreshed firejoemorgan for the 114th time today to find yesterday's Jon Heyman thoughts getting Junior'd:
To sum up: Jon Heyman sucks worse than I'd imagined.
Troy Tulowitzki had a big spring, hitting six home runs. "He's got a swagger about him. He believes,'' one AL scout said. "He's got a lot of Jeter in him.'' It's harder to think of a better compliment.
was funny, for immature reasons. [I actually didn't notice until now that it says "harder" rather than "hard". Neither here nor there.]
Anywho, imagine my surprise when I refreshed firejoemorgan for the 114th time today to find yesterday's Jon Heyman thoughts getting Junior'd:
Tulowitzki appears determined to win the Gold Glove after losing out to Jimmy Rollins last year."Swell", thought I, "I sort of beat FJM to it!" Then I realized that no, I hadn't. The J-Hey Kid just reused his goddamn scout quote from two days before and, worse, added his own shitty "what a good compliment, fwah fwah fwah" commentary."He has a swagger about him -- like Jeter,'' one AL scout said, paying about as high a compliment as you can pay.
To sum up: Jon Heyman sucks worse than I'd imagined.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
[Deep Belly Laugh]
BWAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA.
SI.com's Extra Mustard page (whose purpose I can't figure out) tells funny jokes. They compiled a list of the 25 toughest athletes. My initial reaction was that it should probably place various martial artists in the top 100000 spots with a sprinkling of football linemen, rugby scrum guys, marathon runners, hockey players, and iqiruktuk...um...iqiruktukers.
So, the envelope please (come on Eckstein, come on Erstad)...
Seriously, what the fuck are you even talking about? I know it's a stupid "look at us!" article (they come close to saying so themselves), but still. Why even bother, at this point, continuing? You placed a golfer first. You got some 'splainin:
Uh huh. So there you go. The long-sought toughness equation: Bad Shrimp+Putting=INTENSITY.
Anyway, for hysterical reference, here's #2:
Putting aside the fact that his athletic achievement amounts to depending on dogs, the man had throat cancer and then stood for days on frost-bitten feet. And placed behind "walking around and vomiting".
They at least came to their senses and included Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester. Oh, my bad. They picked Josh Beckett. Because he talks trash.
SI.com's Extra Mustard page (whose purpose I can't figure out) tells funny jokes. They compiled a list of the 25 toughest athletes. My initial reaction was that it should probably place various martial artists in the top 100000 spots with a sprinkling of football linemen, rugby scrum guys, marathon runners, hockey players, and iqiruktuk...um...iqiruktukers.
So, the envelope please (come on Eckstein, come on Erstad)...
What makes him tough: Otherworldly talent, determination and focus that enables him to dominate his sport at 64 PGA wins and counting, including a recent streak of seven in a row. No one is better at sealing the deal when the heat is highest.
1 Tiger Woods
Seriously, what the fuck are you even talking about? I know it's a stupid "look at us!" article (they come close to saying so themselves), but still. Why even bother, at this point, continuing? You placed a golfer first. You got some 'splainin:
Defining moment: Winning by 11 strokes at Bay Hill in 2003 despite the ravages of food poisoning that made him greener than the winner's jacket at August and blowing chunks in the bushes between shots. He finished at 19 under. A mortal golfer would have been six under - as in feet.
Uh huh. So there you go. The long-sought toughness equation: Bad Shrimp+Putting=INTENSITY.
Anyway, for hysterical reference, here's #2:
What makes him tough: Caginess and steadfast refusal to quit in the face of throat cancer (2001), hostile terrain and 40-below temperatures. He did the impossible in sled dog racing -- win the 1,000- mile Yukon Quest and 1,100-mile Iditarod within a month - not once, but in two straight years, most recently this year on frostbitten feet that hadn't fully healed after the Quest.
2 Lance Mackey
Putting aside the fact that his athletic achievement amounts to depending on dogs, the man had throat cancer and then stood for days on frost-bitten feet. And placed behind "walking around and vomiting".
They at least came to their senses and included Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester. Oh, my bad. They picked Josh Beckett. Because he talks trash.
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